catecicc

So I finally did it. It took me a year too long, but I finally told my ABF that I could not handle watching him die any longer. I told him that I loved him and there was nothing more that I wanted than “us” but not with him the way he is. It got nasty and tough to handle, but I feel better now that I have spoken my mind. It’s such a difficult situation still though because I cannot just walk away. We aren’t married and purchased a home together. He was the one that put the down payment down on it. He agreed to leave as long as he gets his money back, but will not leave until then. My parents agreed to help me buy him out but now are giving me a hard time about his still being there. I really don’t have a legal right to kick him out unless he threatens me. So irrespective of my feeling like I am done, I’m still in a catch 22.

I left for awhile last night and visited friends. They confirmed the same things that I know. He won’t change. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone self destruct like this. He has no self worth. I told him last night that I feel as if I love him more than he loves him and he said I probably to.

I know I cannot save him and he has to save himself, but why am I still so sad? I feel very hollow and weak but I know I cannot do this anymore. Each day this goes on I feel as if I am losing a piece of me.

GwenMarie30

Well Im not really sure what to say to the house part but lets deal with one thing at a time. You are dealing with your own recovery first. Second you love him and this is gonna be very painful to do but more pain and heartbreak are whats in store for you if you continue in the relationship.

The heart doesnt need reasons to love just the opportunity.

But the opportunity is going to become less and less until there is nothing left of the both of you.

Can you talk to your parents about staying with them for a couple weeks to give your bf time to get his things out and sign over the papers? Just for a couple weeks. But make sure you get everything notarized before giving him the money. I havent a clue as to what involves the legal end of things where houses and property are involved.

But I did want to say congrats on the first most important step for you today.

Freedom1990

I'm a little confused here. You said your parents would help you buy him out, but now they are upset because he's still there?

So are they wanting him out first and then they will help you buy him out?

Spiritual Seeker

Take action, make a plan and methodically take the steps to make it come true.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Start controlling what you can.
Work at creating the joy and serenity you desire.

It is not easy, but you must walk through the pain to the other side.

catecicc

Freedom - Yes. They want some type of promise that he is out of the house and out of my life before they'll help.

Gwen - I would love to, but my parents live in NJ and I live in MA with him. I moved up here to be with him.

Baby steps I know. It's so tough because I still do care so much and I still worry about him. However I have to put me first. He refuses to even admit to a problem. How do you help someone then?

catecicc

Anvil, I was beginning to think the same thing. He can't afford the house without me. He doesn't have a job. That's why I was going to get the 'rents involved and refinance the house in my name only, give him his downpayment back, and call it a day.

ARGH. the stupidest thing I did was buy this house. I love my home but not all the problems it's causing.

breakingfree88

so it sounds like you don't want to be in the house but you're getting your parents involved so your addict bf doesn't lose the house because he can't afford it? Sounds like you're making it easier on him to get through this, and more tough for you. I'd give it some more thought to just cutting your losses and running. Unless, of course, you're just needing a reason to hang around and expend emotional energy on him still.
Not criticizing, only pointing out something. (That I see in myself).
But regardless of your next step, pat yourself on the back. Congrats for loving you!

winnie12

just a thought but if he's unemployed who's been paying the mortgage? so he put a downpayment on the house but if you've been paying the bills that i dont see how he gets all that money back. you may want to talk to a lawyer before cutting him a check and do NOT give him any money unless he signs a deed transferring the property to you.

catecicc

I love my house and I would love to keep it. My problem, BreakingFree, you hit the nail on the head, I'm so anticonfrontational that I would rather just make him go away and take the s*it on myself than to make more issues.

Anvil, no we didn't.

justtired

Not that this will make you feel any better, but I always think it help to know that it could be worse. You could own 22 houses with your abf like I do with mine! Now THAT will be a mess when and if we split!

I think you're on the right track with just buying him out (depending on how much he put for the down payment and how much you've paid in monthly payments), refinancing in your name only. That sounds like the right move if you really want to stay in your home and can afford to.

I wish you lots and lots of luck moving forward with your new life! I'm so sorry you have to feel the pain of leaving someone who you love. I know what you are going through and I know how bad it hurts. May you be happy and content in this next chapter of your life!

Freedom1990

I lived that way for many years-avoid confrontation at all costs, even if it mean crapping all over myself.

It really is a miserable way to live in the long run, or at least it was for me. I deserve better than that. If I can't be my own best friend, how in the world can I expect anyone else to treat me with respect and dignity?!

Those big girl pants do feel pretty darned good when you finally put them on and use them!

imallright

Be firm. Set a deadline for when he has to be out. Get a quit claim deed and refinance if you decide to buy him out. In this market, you might want to consider the equity in the house rather than how much was put down. If you decide to sell it, you want to protect yourself and not have given too much away. If you like the place and can afford to stay there... then give yourself sometime to figure out what you want to do. Making too many decisions at this point would only make you crazy...I know from where I speak!

Be good to you, be strong and remember what you want out of life. It seems like a no brainer, but we all know it takes courage to stand up for yourself and to make changes. Good for you.

catecicc

I swear to God, if I could spend one day in this kid's damn brain maybe I wouldn't feel so fricken crazy! Last night I opted not to come right home after work. (God forbid I deviate from my routine while he can go out for days/hours and not even think to call). He calls me 5 times in a tizzy and then has a mutual friend call as well. I called him back when I finally decided to go home, was civil and told him I would speak with him when I got home. When I did, it became another blow out. ABF's only coping mechanisms are (1) to get angry and turn on me or (2) to disassociate completely. I told him again what he needed to do and once again I got the "I don't need help" song and a dance.

Then it got emotional. I got the I'm sorry I hurt you and blah blah. It was more emotional I still think for me because a$$ that I am still loves him and still doesn't want to hurt him. God I'm an idiot. I told him that I don't think he even knows how to love me because he's been in a fog between the pot and the cocaine our entire relationship. He tells me he's the same person he was 3 years ago when I met him and didn't I know even the night we met he was all coked up. Well, doesn't that make everything better?!?!

Honestly I wish I could just get angry and tell him to F-off, I don't know why I can't.

I'm still making moves with the house. Once legal aid opens today I'm going to give them a call and see what they suggest. I unfortunately cannot afford an attorney right now.

Justtired - Wow, I'm sorry. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I hope everything works out for your as well!

Winnie - he's a trust fund baby, he's been living on that. I don't know how much etc. but he's been freaking about finances lately and telling me he doesn't wan the responsibility of the house and he was never stressed out before we bought the house so I'm leaning toward the money's running out.

Anvil - I like the analogy and it so suits my situation. ABF throws that in my face all the time now, "Well aren't you just Ms. Corporate America and no one else is good enought for you" all the time. Yes, I am. I'm 27, I have a great job I busted my bum to get here and I like my big girl panties! I have that fight with him all the time. He tells me he's been the same person since he was 15. Well that's great but you're 30 now, the rest of the world grew up, you have to too!

Thanks for listening to my rant guys.

suchAsucker

I tried to get my a-fiance to leave SO MANY TIMES over the past years... Then, I realized that the only thing that I could do was walk away FROM HIM. I hired movers, set a date to leave, broke my lease on my apartment, and set my plan into action. I incurred some fines/fees for breaking my lease, and moving will end up costing me ~approx. $3000. Total I'll loose about $5000-$7000 of money I don't have in order to get away from him... But I realized that Peace Of Mind meant more to me than staying in this relationshi* waiting for him (his whims) to leave. It really sucked that it took me moving out for him to realize that I was serious, and was no longer going to provide meals and a place to shack-up. When finally facing the option of (1) the streets/shacking with friends, or (2) Salvation Army Rehab -- he chose the streets.

The point is, I doubt that if he gets reimbursed he'll leave. It takes motivation to find another place to live, commitment to moving his stuff, and a desire to relocate. Expect him to give excuse-after-excuse for why he cannot leave "just yet".

One line of thought would be to have all the papers drawn-up to give HIM the house, legally, and get out/walk away. If you do all the footwork, and have the papers in front of him to just "sign on the dotted line", you may be able to leave and stay with your parents for awhile. Of course, getting him to sign them won't be easy, but maybe a bribe of 1 month's morgage payment in exchange for his signature may be enough to rid yourself of the headache. You sanity is more important than communal property.

Hugs...

Chino

I noticed you said you're anti-confrontational and also fight with him. I know they're separate issues eliciting different responses. I just wanted to point out you do have the ability to confront and resolve. You're already doing it. I think Legal Aid is a great idea and if they can't help you, be sure to ask them if they know who might. A long time ago I belonged to a women's group. There were a few attorney's in the local chapter who worked pro bono on stuff like yours.