this is what we are waiting for....so now i need your help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
this is what we are waiting for....so now i need your help
Hello everyone,
Ok. D-day is here. I know this will not happen as i hoped, but i need you guys now. My 19 year old returned home yesterday. Claimed he walked 14 miles to get home. He was sunburnt and calm. We both told him a brief hello, and eventually he came up stairs. He was angry and beligerent, and voiced his opinion about me inquiring about him and letting him know that he was an addict in my note. That I was his problem, he had NO DRUG PROBLEM!
I calmly explained that he did, that he could keep denying it, but the facts remain the same. He told me he had only been in California 7 months and had worked 6 of them. Really, i said. You joined us in March of last year, and this is April. this puts you @ 13 months here. You lost your job the first week of December. Where have you been the last 5 months? I guess you don't remember that you have gone thru your entire college savings in 5 weeks during dec. Lets not forget you being incarcerated and going thru TX during the holidays, again our fault. I think it shocked him. I don't think he realized that he had actually missed the last 5 months of his life. I then walked away. He had dinner with us and was pleasant, thanked us, then went to his room. It keeps going thru my mind about the Master Manipulator and i was determined to not be sucked in. I went to his room and just sat by him, and asked him his plans. I was ready to listen. but of course there are none. I told him i would get the information he needed to make his decision.
The home rules stand the same, tx or leave. We would never stop loving him, ever, and would accept his decision either way. He continues to say that he is not on anything more than Pot. I told him i was not a drug user and was very naive on the subject, but i know that it is more than pot. That the demon in this room is not my son, and he certainly did not achieve this status from pot. I told him i wanted my son back, and he had to decide to keep living this hell, or fix it. I need you guys more than ever. Please whatever input and experience you can give me would be appreciated.
susan:wtf2
Ok. D-day is here. I know this will not happen as i hoped, but i need you guys now. My 19 year old returned home yesterday. Claimed he walked 14 miles to get home. He was sunburnt and calm. We both told him a brief hello, and eventually he came up stairs. He was angry and beligerent, and voiced his opinion about me inquiring about him and letting him know that he was an addict in my note. That I was his problem, he had NO DRUG PROBLEM!
I calmly explained that he did, that he could keep denying it, but the facts remain the same. He told me he had only been in California 7 months and had worked 6 of them. Really, i said. You joined us in March of last year, and this is April. this puts you @ 13 months here. You lost your job the first week of December. Where have you been the last 5 months? I guess you don't remember that you have gone thru your entire college savings in 5 weeks during dec. Lets not forget you being incarcerated and going thru TX during the holidays, again our fault. I think it shocked him. I don't think he realized that he had actually missed the last 5 months of his life. I then walked away. He had dinner with us and was pleasant, thanked us, then went to his room. It keeps going thru my mind about the Master Manipulator and i was determined to not be sucked in. I went to his room and just sat by him, and asked him his plans. I was ready to listen. but of course there are none. I told him i would get the information he needed to make his decision.
The home rules stand the same, tx or leave. We would never stop loving him, ever, and would accept his decision either way. He continues to say that he is not on anything more than Pot. I told him i was not a drug user and was very naive on the subject, but i know that it is more than pot. That the demon in this room is not my son, and he certainly did not achieve this status from pot. I told him i wanted my son back, and he had to decide to keep living this hell, or fix it. I need you guys more than ever. Please whatever input and experience you can give me would be appreciated.
susan:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
My daughter denied that she was on anything when she relapsed (other than marijuana). I told her to humor me with a drug test. She failed and then insisted that the test was faulty. What about asking for drug tests if he is to remain in your home?
I have learned that an addict will blame everyone and everything for their problem.
What is Tx?
I have learned that an addict will blame everyone and everything for their problem.
What is Tx?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
I'm hoping, he has not agreed yet, we do not know where to send him. Until he agrees, we are not going to pursue. Like i said it was around 7 pm when he arrived home.
I will speak to Gary today to get some options for him.
Freedom,
I think it finally hit him. He was really shocked ,
and we will give him time to let it sink in. Not much, as i do not have the patience for it.
We want him to go in completely voluntary and ready to commit.
And after last night, i think we can.
I will speak to Gary today to get some options for him.
Freedom,
I think it finally hit him. He was really shocked ,
and we will give him time to let it sink in. Not much, as i do not have the patience for it.
We want him to go in completely voluntary and ready to commit.
And after last night, i think we can.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
When my daughter was in rehab I did lots of internet searches regarding success rates especially with respect to an addict voluntarilly seeking treatment. I was surprised. I was under the impression that for treatment to be successful someone would want to be in rehab and had not gone merely to get out of consequences. I asked many people at my daughters facility why they were there and most frequently the response was the only choice they had was rehab or the streets. I was surprised that it can be successful irrespective of the reasons behind being there.
When I was looking for a place for my daughter, I chose someplace far enough away that if she ran should would have problems getting away. I chose a remote place in Northern California.
When I was looking for a place for my daughter, I chose someplace far enough away that if she ran should would have problems getting away. I chose a remote place in Northern California.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Be careful of your expectations of him. Remember that you are dealing with an active addict. He may agree to go, and he may not.
I've found when I place expectations on others, more often than not I am hurt and disappointed.
I'd highly suggest you put a time limit on his decision.
I've found when I place expectations on others, more often than not I am hurt and disappointed.
I'd highly suggest you put a time limit on his decision.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
dslolonde, While he is there, I would advise you to hide all money's, checkbooks, credit cards, valuables.
With this abusive attitude, I would have removed him from the home immediately, and told him where the closest homeless shelter is.
Praying for Gods protection for you, but I feel you and your home are in danger w/ him there. You have no idea what he's been into these past months.
I agree with the time limit for him to make a decision. Be vigilant, and on guard.
He was angry and beligerent, and voiced his opinion about me inquiring about him and letting him know that he was an addict in my note. That I was his problem, he had NO DRUG PROBLEM!
Praying for Gods protection for you, but I feel you and your home are in danger w/ him there. You have no idea what he's been into these past months.
I agree with the time limit for him to make a decision. Be vigilant, and on guard.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by dslalonde 
I'm hoping, he has not agreed yet, we do not know where to send him. Until he agrees, we are not going to pursue. Like i said it was around 7 pm when he arrived home.
I will speak to Gary today to get some options for him.
Freedom,
I think it finally hit him. He was really shocked ,
and we will give him time to let it sink in. Not much, as i do not have the patience for it.
We want him to go in completely voluntary and ready to commit.
And after last night, i think we can.
I will speak to Gary today to get some options for him.
Freedom,
I think it finally hit him. He was really shocked ,
and we will give him time to let it sink in. Not much, as i do not have the patience for it.
We want him to go in completely voluntary and ready to commit.
And after last night, i think we can.
an addict will stall recovery as long as they can. he may say he's thinking about it - you give it a few days and then you insist and he either leaves or says okay - but then he may stall finding or agreeing upon the treatment or go for a week and then stop - so in the end he could be sitting there another month or two doing nothing and once that happens your boundaries mean nothing. you could play this game for years.
I know you're relieved and i dont want to stomp on that but remember why you did what you did before and dont take a step back. A boundary cant be crossed ever or its not a boundary.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Susan,
You've got a good start there, making some boundaries, AND sticking by them.
Just remember, addicts are the best scammers, and manipulators in the world, (IMO) so be on the watch for all the prograstinating that's headed your way.
A united front with you and your husband also helps the situation, try to stay on the same page.
Give him a time limit, and then it's all up to him.
As for trying to force someone into rehab when they say they don't have a problem....that never worked for me. They had to hit their bottom and WANT to reform. Well...that's what happened to our youngest, as for our oldest, the verdict is still out on him. (NO, it ain't, he's back in jail...
)
Hugs and prayers coming your way.
AND stay safe.
You've got a good start there, making some boundaries, AND sticking by them.
Just remember, addicts are the best scammers, and manipulators in the world, (IMO) so be on the watch for all the prograstinating that's headed your way.
A united front with you and your husband also helps the situation, try to stay on the same page.
Give him a time limit, and then it's all up to him.
As for trying to force someone into rehab when they say they don't have a problem....that never worked for me. They had to hit their bottom and WANT to reform. Well...that's what happened to our youngest, as for our oldest, the verdict is still out on him. (NO, it ain't, he's back in jail...
)Hugs and prayers coming your way.
AND stay safe.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Not to high jack for a moment but .......................... Marlie you said
EXCELLENT. When the show Intervention sends them to rehab, it is far away from their home town and the plane ticket is ONE WAY. If the person stays the full time and is working on their recovery, they continue to help by getting them into the next step ie sober living or whatever. If they leave before the end of the initial treatment, they are ON THEIR OWN in a strange city. Part of the reason why Intervention is having a fairly good success rate I M H O
Susan, I have to say, you have made a good start, BUT ................................ do not let him stay more than today. His decision has to be NOW. He will try and STALL. Please do not accept any stalling. If he's says "I just don't know" or words to that affect, then show him the door. The longer he is allowed to 'think' about it, the more he will be 'thinking' of ways to continue to manipulate.
Your recovery is showing, and now is the hard part, STANDING FIRM. A decision today. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts' about it.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
When I was looking for a place for my daughter, I chose someplace far enough away that if she ran should would have problems getting away. I chose a remote place in Northern California.
Susan, I have to say, you have made a good start, BUT ................................ do not let him stay more than today. His decision has to be NOW. He will try and STALL. Please do not accept any stalling. If he's says "I just don't know" or words to that affect, then show him the door. The longer he is allowed to 'think' about it, the more he will be 'thinking' of ways to continue to manipulate.
Your recovery is showing, and now is the hard part, STANDING FIRM. A decision today. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts' about it.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Live in your recovery more than ever
Don't leave anything unlocked that can be stolen.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Don't lecture, nag, scold ....it only will frustrate you and fall on deaf ears.
He knows what the boundaries are.
Don't leave anything unlocked that can be stolen.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Don't lecture, nag, scold ....it only will frustrate you and fall on deaf ears.
He knows what the boundaries are.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
Susan, I have to say, you have made a good start, BUT ................................ do not let him stay more than today. His decision has to be NOW. He will try and STALL. Please do not accept any stalling. If he's says "I just don't know" or words to that affect, then show him the door. The longer he is allowed to 'think' about it, the more he will be 'thinking' of ways to continue to manipulate.
I agree, don't let him stall. When my daughter said rehab, I moved at lightning speed. She was in rehab within hours (I already had a place with space available). Once, previously, she said she wanted to go to rehab and I didn't move quickly and she managed to manupulate herself into thinking that she would be fine without it. She wasn't and the drug use continued.
If you need some recommendations for Northern CA, send me a private message and I can tell you about the two facilities she was at.
I agree, don't let him stall. When my daughter said rehab, I moved at lightning speed. She was in rehab within hours (I already had a place with space available). Once, previously, she said she wanted to go to rehab and I didn't move quickly and she managed to manupulate herself into thinking that she would be fine without it. She wasn't and the drug use continued.
If you need some recommendations for Northern CA, send me a private message and I can tell you about the two facilities she was at.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by dslalonde
Guys,
I really have to believe that this is the time. I am totally prepared if not, but at least i have another chance.
I really have to believe that this is the time. I am totally prepared if not, but at least i have another chance.
People are telling you what they are telling you for a reason.
What's he done today in your home? Sleep late? Eat your food? Lay around?
The longer he's allowed to stay in your home, the worse he's going to chew you up and spit you out when it's over.
Take it from a recovering meth addict who ran over anyone who got in the way of her addiction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Susan)))
I agree with Freedom. I'm a recovering addict. Had I been allowed to "think about it" I would have been thinking for a long, long time. I didn't do rehab, but I did get out and get a job almost immediately and began working on my recovery (because I had already been to IOP and meetings..I knew what to do, just needed to DO it). I wasn't given a choice...it was that or get out.
I hope you now see that all that panic you've had was, as Winnie said, based on imagination, not fact. He's been running around, getting high, while you were working yourself into a frenzy. He will continue to do this, and you will continue to worry as long as you allow it.
I can't imagine how hard this is, but I can tell you this. I will forever be grateful to my dad for loving me enough to let me fall on my face, and allowing me to suffer enough consequences that recovery seemed like a darned good option, and the one I chose.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree with Freedom. I'm a recovering addict. Had I been allowed to "think about it" I would have been thinking for a long, long time. I didn't do rehab, but I did get out and get a job almost immediately and began working on my recovery (because I had already been to IOP and meetings..I knew what to do, just needed to DO it). I wasn't given a choice...it was that or get out.
I hope you now see that all that panic you've had was, as Winnie said, based on imagination, not fact. He's been running around, getting high, while you were working yourself into a frenzy. He will continue to do this, and you will continue to worry as long as you allow it.
I can't imagine how hard this is, but I can tell you this. I will forever be grateful to my dad for loving me enough to let me fall on my face, and allowing me to suffer enough consequences that recovery seemed like a darned good option, and the one I chose.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
I hope you now see that all that panic you've had was, as Winnie said, based on imagination, not fact. He's been running around, getting high, while you were working yourself into a frenzy. He will continue to do this, and you will continue to worry as long as you allow it.
Most addicts are very clever. God knows my oldest AD certainly surpasses any expectations of cleverness I thought she could possess.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by laurie6781
BUT ................................ do not let him stay more than today. His decision has to be NOW. He will try and STALL. Please do not accept any stalling. If he's says "I just don't know" or words to that affect, then show him the door. The longer he is allowed to 'think' about it, the more he will be 'thinking' of ways to continue to manipulate.
Your recovery is showing, and now is the hard part, STANDING FIRM. A decision today. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts' about it.
Your recovery is showing, and now is the hard part, STANDING FIRM. A decision today. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts' about it.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Stick to your boundaries, DON'T let him think about it, he may be a lonnnnnnnnng time in that stage.
I realize that YOU think he gets it this time, and I truly hope your right.
Hugs from one mom to another.
:ghug
Chris
I realize that YOU think he gets it this time, and I truly hope your right.
Hugs from one mom to another.
:ghug
Chris
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