girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?
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girlfriend appears to be a closet drinker?
I have been seeing a woman (35) for about 2 months now. I love her dearly. The only problem I see with her is that every now and then she goes on these drinking binges (always wine) where she gets totally hammered at home when she's alone. If she is with me it doesn't happen. She will drink so much that she doesn't even remember anything. She makes late night calls to me and others at times stating that she wants me to come over (like at 2AM and I live 2 hrs from her!), and also gets mad picking on things in the relationship that she states bothers her (i.e. alimony payments to my ex, etc). If I don't answer the phone she calls over and over again until she I guess gives up and sometimes leaves a message or text's me. I believe she told me that she went through recovery once in her early 20s. What's a guy that loves her to do?????????????
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Hmmm. You live 2 hours away from her?
You have only been dating two months?
This doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship for you to be in.
She seems to have a drinking problem.
I also was a stay at home wine drinker.
It takes longer for us to hit bottom as we do most of the damage to ourselves.
She has to be ready to quit and even then, it is a long haul. You ready for that?
You have only been dating two months?
This doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship for you to be in.
She seems to have a drinking problem.
I also was a stay at home wine drinker.
It takes longer for us to hit bottom as we do most of the damage to ourselves.
She has to be ready to quit and even then, it is a long haul. You ready for that?
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What's a guy that loves her to do?????????????
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Yes 2 hrs but we see each other like every other day.....we reciprocate driving to/from each other. Is it a healthy relationship? It's an incredible relationship - we connect totally, have a blast, etc. It appears that she drinks at home when alone (i.e. bored). I told her it bothers me. She said she wouldn't do it. For the most part she hasn't that I know of (she went like 2 weeks w/o doing it but then did it again) and the frequency has been getting less. Last time was Friday, she spent most of the day in bed Saturday. I came over Saturday, she was upset, I held her and didn't really belabor the point too much. I didn't want to say the wrong things....
Am I ready to take this on???? I am because I see her most of the time sober and she is a wonderful person. The binges now are once every 1-2 weeks, whereas before they were 3 times a week or so it seemed.
Am I ready to take this on???? I am because I see her most of the time sober and she is a wonderful person. The binges now are once every 1-2 weeks, whereas before they were 3 times a week or so it seemed.
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She just got out of a 5 year relationship and I asked her if she drank heavily around her previous bf....she said "sometimes". The previous bf also had a daughter with whom she raised from 5-10 years old. When she is sober which is 90% of the time, she is so sweet........
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I also was a stay at home wine drinker.
It takes longer for us to hit bottom as we do most of the damage to ourselves.
She has to be ready to quit and even then, it is a long haul. You ready for that?
When is the bottom for a stay at home wine drinker?
If she agrees to quit, whats the long haul?
It takes longer for us to hit bottom as we do most of the damage to ourselves.
She has to be ready to quit and even then, it is a long haul. You ready for that?
When is the bottom for a stay at home wine drinker?
If she agrees to quit, whats the long haul?
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Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse, unless it is stopped.
No one can say what is the bottom. I always drank at home, alone, and it got worse and worse and worse. That's how the disease works. Your girlfriend needs to make the decision to stop drinking. If she 'agrees' with your statment that she should stop drinking, she likely doesn't really mean it. I promised my husband hundreds of times that I would stop drinking, and what I really meant, deep down, was that I would try harder to control it, and not get caught.
No one can say what is the bottom. I always drank at home, alone, and it got worse and worse and worse. That's how the disease works. Your girlfriend needs to make the decision to stop drinking. If she 'agrees' with your statment that she should stop drinking, she likely doesn't really mean it. I promised my husband hundreds of times that I would stop drinking, and what I really meant, deep down, was that I would try harder to control it, and not get caught.
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977 
I have been seeing a woman (35) for about 2 months now. I love her dearly. The only problem I see with her is that every now and then she goes on these drinking binges (always wine) where she gets totally hammered at home when she's alone. If she is with me it doesn't happen. She will drink so much that she doesn't even remember anything. She makes late night calls to me and others at times stating that she wants me to come over (like at 2AM and I live 2 hrs from her!), and also gets mad picking on things in the relationship that she states bothers her (i.e. alimony payments to my ex, etc). If I don't answer the phone she calls over and over again until she I guess gives up and sometimes leaves a message or text's me. I believe she told me that she went through recovery once in her early 20s. What's a guy that loves her to do?????????????
I also like the suggestion about asking her if she thinks she has a problem. If she says no, you CAN NOT help her. You simply can't. I tried with my ex, who handed me the crack pipe, and it totally blew up. Since he lives off of his millionaire parents, I told them what their son does with their money. It was mostly good for me. It broke the ties that he had me bound to him with, and set me free, but he's still deep in active addiction, selling possessions, himself, and finding other means to rip his parents off in order to get more, and as much as we'd like to save these people, the only thing we really can do is let them go as we need to stay clean/sober ourselves and as much as it will hurt, she is being on her best behavior right now. It will only get worse and the more you invest, the more ties she has to bind you and the harder it will be to let go.
Let go now, pray for her, hope she comes around and sees the light, and gets sober.
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977
I also was a stay at home wine drinker.
It takes longer for us to hit bottom as we do most of the damage to ourselves.
She has to be ready to quit and even then, it is a long haul. You ready for that?
When is the bottom for a stay at home wine drinker?
If she agrees to quit, whats the long haul?
It takes longer for us to hit bottom as we do most of the damage to ourselves.
She has to be ready to quit and even then, it is a long haul. You ready for that?
When is the bottom for a stay at home wine drinker?
If she agrees to quit, whats the long haul?
In fact, the night before I quit I told him I thought I had a problem and needed to get some help. He told me that I was not an alcoholic, I just needed to "slow down". Ha. I was THRILLED I had him fooled.
The next day I totaled my car, got a DUI, with our daughter in the car.
I have not had a drink since but my point is that we have to find our bottom ourselves. A lot of the time it does not have to be as dramatic as mine was but it does come from within us. My husband spent a lot of time confused and hurt. I just would not wish that on anyone. And I truly think you are going to have to find your bottom as well. Right now, you are still able to deny it to some extent but then you do not live with her and do not see her every day.
Just take care of yourself. It is up to her to take care of herself.
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I fell for a guy about 2 months after meeting him; he partied a lot, drinking and drugs. And all I can say from that experience is... RUN!! I spent the next 2 years absolutely miserable and was drinking every day, and doing just about every other type of drug, in part to get away from the absolute misery of that relationship. I stuck it out because I loved him. I couldn't see what a horrible relationship it was because I loved him. It will only get worse. He hid his drinking/drug use from me for a while, but eventually I got sucked into that world, too. It was my choice to do the drugs, of course, but my bad choices were greatly influenced by that relationship.
I look into my crystal ball and see a lot of pain in your future with this girl. Take care of yourself first. You can't love her out of drinking, and you risk enabling her drinking problem because you love her. That was my situation with my ex.
I look into my crystal ball and see a lot of pain in your future with this girl. Take care of yourself first. You can't love her out of drinking, and you risk enabling her drinking problem because you love her. That was my situation with my ex.
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I think my next step will be as follows......
I am going to ask lots of questions about her history...i.e. when she went to rehab 10 or so years ago how was she behaving, when rehab was over how was she, when and why did she start drinking again, etc. Lets see what she tells me......
I am also going to talk to the EAP (employee assistance person) at work and perhaps think about attending an AA meeting in my area. I need to try to get as many details as I can before this. She has been very open with me (i.e. she told me about her rehab and all, etc) so I am fairly certain she will be when I ask these questions....
I am going to ask lots of questions about her history...i.e. when she went to rehab 10 or so years ago how was she behaving, when rehab was over how was she, when and why did she start drinking again, etc. Lets see what she tells me......
I am also going to talk to the EAP (employee assistance person) at work and perhaps think about attending an AA meeting in my area. I need to try to get as many details as I can before this. She has been very open with me (i.e. she told me about her rehab and all, etc) so I am fairly certain she will be when I ask these questions....
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I think that is a good idea. Time to open your eyes. BTW, funny thing is that I went through an inpatient rehab when I was 25 for meth. I have never touched that since. But....I started drinking when I was about 29 and it got me....
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well this last time she really did it, called her parents at 1AM telling them she needed them to come and they did at 330 AM but she was passed out. They returned at 8am and she answered the door - mom was crying (she went to rehab with her the 1st time) and dad well he was there. He told her she reaked of alcohol and all. She called me after they left (sober) and cried. I visited her at 3 that afternoon as I stated in a post above. Her dad has never been to her place (and what a way for him to visit for the 1st time!)....she'll have to face her family this Easter Sunday...and all her bros and sis knows too...ughhhhhh.
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The relationship you just described sounds a lot like the one I had when I first met my husband. I can't presume to know where you and she are headed, but I will share my story with you straight if it can be of any help:
When I met my husband we had a bit of a long-distance relationship and I was definitely a "drink at home alone because I was bored" wine drinker. I'm ashamed to admit that since a lot of our courtship was over the phone in the evenings, I don't remember many of those all-important getting to know you conversations. One of my great regrets is that I did not enjoy our relationship fully present and sober.
Had he asked me about it (which he didn't) I would have minimized it completely and hid it better. 100%. But I also hadn't been to rehab and wasn't as forthcoming as your girlfriend sounds. Firestorm is right though - to keep our addiction active we will lie and sweet-talk in ways we'd never dream of under any circumstances. Talking to her is a good first step, but only time and actions will tell if she was being truthful unfortunately.
I will be honest and tell you that as the relationship progressed I got worse - LOADS worse. In the beginning I hid it. I'd have a glass of wine in the open and a bottle of vodka under the bathroom sink. I'm sure he never understood how I could get so drunk off a glass or two. But by the end I was openly binging and causing him so much pain and sorrow I can't ever forgive myself. Like your girlfriend though, it became less and less frequent - down to once every month or two - so the rest of the time I was a great wife and partner. I think that's what makes it really tough for both people to admit what a problem it really is.
That's where I was in my drinking career though. Seven years ago it was a problem and I wasn't ready. All through our marriage it has been there and I have been getting more and more ready. I hope with all my being that this is it. Who knows? She may be ready now. Or not. Only time will tell and you must decide if you want to stick around to find out.
Although I can understand people telling you to RUN! I'm sure glad nobody told my husband to!
But he had to wait many years before I was ready to give it up. Only you and she can determine how it will play out for you.
If you think Alanon or other counselling would be of benefit I think you should go for it. Nobody can predict if she will stop or not, and the odds aren't in your favour given the stats on alcoholism - hence all the "Run!" advice I would imagine. I've been so blessed to have a patient man who loves me and saw what I could be without the alcohol. But he hasn't had the life he deserves for a long time, and there's a lot of damage to be repaired. I wouldn't wish that hurt on anyone, and it kills me to know I caused it for him.
I hope she is ready. And if she is not, there is nothing you can do to make her be ready. Trust me - he tried so I know.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Jayne
When I met my husband we had a bit of a long-distance relationship and I was definitely a "drink at home alone because I was bored" wine drinker. I'm ashamed to admit that since a lot of our courtship was over the phone in the evenings, I don't remember many of those all-important getting to know you conversations. One of my great regrets is that I did not enjoy our relationship fully present and sober.
Had he asked me about it (which he didn't) I would have minimized it completely and hid it better. 100%. But I also hadn't been to rehab and wasn't as forthcoming as your girlfriend sounds. Firestorm is right though - to keep our addiction active we will lie and sweet-talk in ways we'd never dream of under any circumstances. Talking to her is a good first step, but only time and actions will tell if she was being truthful unfortunately.
I will be honest and tell you that as the relationship progressed I got worse - LOADS worse. In the beginning I hid it. I'd have a glass of wine in the open and a bottle of vodka under the bathroom sink. I'm sure he never understood how I could get so drunk off a glass or two. But by the end I was openly binging and causing him so much pain and sorrow I can't ever forgive myself. Like your girlfriend though, it became less and less frequent - down to once every month or two - so the rest of the time I was a great wife and partner. I think that's what makes it really tough for both people to admit what a problem it really is.
That's where I was in my drinking career though. Seven years ago it was a problem and I wasn't ready. All through our marriage it has been there and I have been getting more and more ready. I hope with all my being that this is it. Who knows? She may be ready now. Or not. Only time will tell and you must decide if you want to stick around to find out.
Although I can understand people telling you to RUN! I'm sure glad nobody told my husband to!
But he had to wait many years before I was ready to give it up. Only you and she can determine how it will play out for you.If you think Alanon or other counselling would be of benefit I think you should go for it. Nobody can predict if she will stop or not, and the odds aren't in your favour given the stats on alcoholism - hence all the "Run!" advice I would imagine. I've been so blessed to have a patient man who loves me and saw what I could be without the alcohol. But he hasn't had the life he deserves for a long time, and there's a lot of damage to be repaired. I wouldn't wish that hurt on anyone, and it kills me to know I caused it for him.
I hope she is ready. And if she is not, there is nothing you can do to make her be ready. Trust me - he tried so I know.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Jayne
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deadboy,
in addition to TTOSBT's advice to your intial question of what you should do, (run!) here is my suggestion of things you can do. they all involve self inquiry and being really honest with yourself. i am glad you are paying attention to her drinking. i'd also suggest you don't want to stop paying attention to things like:
1. how much of your attention/focus/good energy that could be used for better things is going out to her drinking problem?
2. honestly, do you really lover her dearly? is 2 months enough time to be fully comitted to a woman with a drinking problem? any woman with untreated alcoholism is like an actress in a charade. i speak from personal experience. i used to drink wine alone. after my alcoholism progressed, i began lying.....distancing....more lying.....suffice it to say, i did not love myself very much, therefore, i was not a great candidate for love partnership. just my experience. she may be different.
3. is this really healthy for you? what about the knot in your own stomach and the tension in your shoulders? At 2 months in love, you could be on cloud nine, experiencing joy nearly 100% of the time, not just in a sporadic intermittent pattern that is laced with intervals of anxiety, dread and suspicion.
The point i'm hoping to make is that I hope you take care of YOU. very good care. keep us posted.
in addition to TTOSBT's advice to your intial question of what you should do, (run!) here is my suggestion of things you can do. they all involve self inquiry and being really honest with yourself. i am glad you are paying attention to her drinking. i'd also suggest you don't want to stop paying attention to things like:
1. how much of your attention/focus/good energy that could be used for better things is going out to her drinking problem?
2. honestly, do you really lover her dearly? is 2 months enough time to be fully comitted to a woman with a drinking problem? any woman with untreated alcoholism is like an actress in a charade. i speak from personal experience. i used to drink wine alone. after my alcoholism progressed, i began lying.....distancing....more lying.....suffice it to say, i did not love myself very much, therefore, i was not a great candidate for love partnership. just my experience. she may be different.
3. is this really healthy for you? what about the knot in your own stomach and the tension in your shoulders? At 2 months in love, you could be on cloud nine, experiencing joy nearly 100% of the time, not just in a sporadic intermittent pattern that is laced with intervals of anxiety, dread and suspicion.
The point i'm hoping to make is that I hope you take care of YOU. very good care. keep us posted.
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Originally Posted by deadboy1977
Theres an AA meeting in town tonight....I am thinking of going......should I tell her I went??????
If she doesn't follow suit though...........I'm with the others. Addiction is sooooo tricky!! I wanted to quit, knew I needed to quit, tried to quit, it took a lot of "yet"s and desperation to get me to really go through what I needed to get myself into "recovery" for good.
Good Luck.
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I went to the AA meeting BUT it wasnt the family and friends one I needed to go to (oh well, it was interesting as they covered chapter 8 which some people had trouble with). The other meeting is Sat night. I told her I went and she wanted to know why I didnt tell her I was going - it was a last minute decision I made I told her.
I asked her tons of questions and she answered them all - she was in rehab twice - 1st time 2 weeks and 2nd time 30 days. She told me the full story and it seems true with lots of details - too many to explain here!
Then after all this discussion I went to bed - she was sober. At midnight she called and was trashed. I decided to go visit her - she was passed out on the couch when I got there and there was 2 empty bottles of wine on the counter.......depressing. I helped her to her bed.
I asked her tons of questions and she answered them all - she was in rehab twice - 1st time 2 weeks and 2nd time 30 days. She told me the full story and it seems true with lots of details - too many to explain here!
Then after all this discussion I went to bed - she was sober. At midnight she called and was trashed. I decided to go visit her - she was passed out on the couch when I got there and there was 2 empty bottles of wine on the counter.......depressing. I helped her to her bed.
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