I'm sick of being angry

Old 04-05-2009, 08:10 PM
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I'm sick of being angry

I'm sick of being angry all the damn time! I'm angry at him, I'm angry at her, I'm angry at myself. I feel like everything good that happens to me, I just **** it up. Or he'll [he being the drunk that I have as a father], mess it up. I haven't had a friend over in months, because he drinks. His doctors have already told him he drinks too much, and he's going to die because of it, but does that matter? Not to him. I guess his family doesn't matter, and that makes me even more angry, because I am his family, and he just doesn't give a damn. I'm sick of crying over this, I'm sick of being so damn miserable, that now when I get happy it doesn't feel right to me, and all I can think is, when's this bubble gonna pop? There are times where I feel like I do nothing right, and I find myself back in that little emotion-less grave I've dug myself when I was a kid. The one where I don't feel anything but emptiness and anger. I wish I could have someone to just be with me and say "It's going to be okay!" but it's not that simple, and I know that. I just wish it was. Sometimes I wonder, why some people are happy, and others get to be miserable. And why is it that blessings only come in disguise? Why can't life just be simple? I'm just so sick of complex and messy. I haven't been in a relationship in over two years...I haven't been in a healthy relationship ever. I'm probably codependant, and I'm so stressed out that I don't even care. I'm so sick of being angry and sick and tired. Oh and I'm also sick of people not listening to me! When I say leave me the hell alone, they come closer, and then I get angry at them. WTF?!? Why can't people respect me for once in their lives!??!!! I'm sick of trying to please everybody else on this damn planet, and then me last. **** that.
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:28 PM
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Wow, that sure sounds frustrating when you can't trust anything to go well (even "normal") because of your AF. Three things come to mind...

First, why should you not be angry? This situation is aggravating! It's like getting angry at yourself for getting angry at someone who pokes you all the time. Maybe they should just stop poking you. Each time they do it, they show that they are not respecting your personal space or your feelings. You have every right to feel upset about it.

I'm also sick of people not listening to me! When I say leave me the hell alone, they come closer, and then I get angry at them. WTF?!? Why can't people respect me for once in their lives!??!!!
Second, get thee to counselling. Your circuits for stress are overloaded because you deserve to have your feelings respected and right now you're immersed in an environment where that's not happening. This pain is hurting you to the point where even the people who care about you can't figure out how to help you. Maybe because you don't even know what would help you right now.

What is your situation? Are you living at home with your parents? Are you in high school? College? Working?

Third - and I know you're going to think that I'm just pulling your leg - but how you are living/feeling right now can change, even if it's impossible to imagine at this point. I have been in your shoes. I am still watching my AF drink himself into his own grave, crying about how nobody loves him along the way. I have listened to him whine about how unloved he was as a child, and watched him walk away when I open my mouth to describe my own feelings. I have cried and slept my way through my own birthdays and holidays because it was the easiest way to get through the emotional abuse of AF's drinking. And I used to wonder the exact same thing: why do some people get to be happy, while some people (like me) get to be so damned alone and miserable? What am I doing wrong?

Everlong, I hear that you are hurting. It's like a sore, infested wound that never really heals - just scabs over for a while until it's ripped off again (next family gathering, I betcha). This too can change. Imagine that dealing with your anger is like dealing with a broken limb. Every time you try to move it, the pain reminds you of why it's broken in the first place - hence, instant rage, frustration, and resentment. In order for a broken limb to heal, it needs to be set (painful!) and then given time to heal. Dealing with your anger may require dealing with some very painful memories/feelings first. But if you do it right, you will heal and use that strength again. It's short-term pain for long-term gain, IF you are serious about change and figuring out what that looks like.

Know this: Your AF doesn't have to change in order for you to change. You can create change enough for you to manage the stress now, and when you feel calm-minded again, you can continue to create change to further reduce the impact this tension is having on you. This might require some guidance (as I bet your AF didn't teach you many helpful lessons about dealing with stress). This is where any of the following options will help: counselling, Al-anon or Alateen, journalling, posting online, finding someone to talk to. Remember the broken limb analogy. If your leg was broken, would you try to walk on it or fix it on your own? This brokenness involving anger, despair, and grief is not much different except that it's inside. Whether you choose to see a counsellor or just post here, finding help is just what the doctor would order. You don't have to "fix" all of this on your own.

Blessings only come in disguise when we haven't learned how to recognize them properly. Taking off the ACOA goggles can help.

Please take some time, rant, and tell us about the things frustrating you the most right now. Last time you posted, you didn't reply to anyone's questions. Know that you are NOT burdening anyone by venting your feelings here. This forum is full of great listeners, so go ahead and let us know what's going on for you.
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:32 PM
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I'm sorry you're in that place right now. 'Cause yeah, it's a pretty tiresome space to be in. I spent the first 35 years of my life angry. Got really freakin' old.

Tell me something, everlong: If you had this miraculous power to change yourself into somebody different, something different, what would it look like? You can't change somebody else - that's the unfortunately part of it - you can't change your dad's stupid choices or the clerk at the store or the guy down the street who hits his dog. BUT you can go inside your own head and heart with a big fat wrench and tweak yourself to feel whatever, do whatever, be whatever. You're all powerful and all knowing and you can make yourself into a completely different kind of person.

What would that non-angry, non-empty, non-lonely person look like? Sound like? Act like? Would you be smarter, more confident, you'd care more, you'd care less, what? Try writing it down, in detail, when you get the time. Write it first-person if you can. Talk about it as if you're already them. Doesn't have to be possible or even realistic. Just think it up, write it down.

That was the first tiny step on my agonizing journey to here. Sounds like things can't get much worse for you - why not give it a try.
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Old 04-06-2009, 08:19 AM
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The last few weeks especially have been extremely difficult for me, bouncing between being really angry and then really upset.
Yesterday I realized this was doing ME no good... my anger wasn't going to make any kind of impact on the situation I'm in. It's not going to stop my mother from drinking or make other's feel the pain I'm feeling. So...although its hard, from now on im going to do what is best for me. Just deciding that has made me feel better already... more positive about the future I guess.

Just remember you can get through this...you've clearly been through alot already. Keep your chin up and do whatever is best for you
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:04 PM
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Everlong,
Thank you for being so real! I hate all this negative stuff happening in you,around you,and to you. I REALLY do. I wish you did not have to endure these things, or suffer any longer. I know it seems impossible now, but YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY.

I hear so much of myself in you. I understand anger very well. I spent 23 years of my life making sure I never shed a tear. And now I still find anger to be something I naturally go to first when I am hurt. Anger, for a time,(ecspecially all throughout my childhood) was something I needed to protect myself from all the harmful things going on around me. I had no safe place, or safe person. No one. So there was all this pain adding up day after day after day, and no one to help me through it, let alone help me to develope into my own person. Had to suppresss my sadness and turn it into anger to survive,this was actually a good strategy at the time and I am thankful it helped me through it. I am glad you have this too for certain times. Even though anger can eventually turn destructive to you or others, for a time it is good and healthy. I am glad in this enviroment you have grown up in that you have still maintained enough of your own personhood to be upset, and realize that YOU DO DESERVE MORE!

You do deserve more, and so do your family members. Some of your family may choose more for themselves, and some may not. It sounds like you are on your way to try and figure out how to get to "your more", how to stop reliving this nightmare day in and day out. It sucks so bad, and is so unfair that you have to feel this anger and this pain. It sucks that you have to figure out how to heal and mend your broken heart. I know you never asked for any of this and it has stolen pieces of your own life away, but you can live differently than what you have known.

I pray you have the strength to keep letting your anger out, the strength to go underneath your anger into those deep pools of sadness, and the strength to find your way. I love your spirit! You sound like a fighter to me! I am sorry you were a victim, but I am glad you are a survivor!!!

Much love to you
Fluer

Please keep reaching out here and try to find at least one person who you can be real with, who can help love you through this. I had to pay someone for this role for a time( a counselor) because i just had no safe people in my world. That felt kinda humilating at first, and just added to the list of something to be mad and sad about, but it helped me change my entire life. I still don't know why some people are born into healthy,loving families and some are not -but I do know with alot of courage and determination you can become capable of loving and being loved the way you have always wanted!
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:43 AM
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Everlong,
You have some great advice here. I felt the way you felt with my very alcoholic parents.
little emotion-less grave I've dug myself
And that is exactly how it feels - always returning to that same place and not making progress anywhere.
But, you know you want OUT of this. That is big. You know you want to change. It sounds small, and doesn't feel like much but it is real progress.

It took me years to realize that the way out was to stop digging, look up, realize there is a different 'me' and a brighter reality up there, understand that I had no idea what that reality feels like but that it is likely better, put down the old shovel that feels so very comfortable in my hands, and learn to ask someone how to climb.

One of the SR people has a great signature line that goes roughly like this: "why does a caterpillar turn into a butterfly? because it wants to fly so much it is willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Yeah, it is a bit of sentimental c**p, but there is some truth in it. One of the reasons we go back to that hole we dug is that we really know how to function there- lots of old comfortable habits. And it has the one tool we are comfortable using against all of our problems.

If there is an alanon/alateen group in your area you should really try to attend a meeting or two. And the suggestion of counseling is spot-on good. Just as you are doing here, you need to get your thoughts out of your head, either to a person, persons, or even a journal, so you can make even more progress.
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Old 04-10-2009, 01:41 PM
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By fluer
Had to suppresss my sadness and turn it into anger to survive,this was actually a good strategy at the time and I am thankful it helped me through it.
Just wanted to say this really strikes a chord with me. It's what I am doing right now to power myself forward through, frankly, what are some terrifying changes in my life - terrifying, successful changes. I am scared to succeed because I am afraid that people will "find out" that I'm not really a successful person but some sort of fraud. Right now the little voice in my head is trained to whisper, "If I can be this angry, then this should certainly be no problem....."


By grewupinabarn
One of the SR people has a great signature line that goes roughly like this: "why does a caterpillar turn into a butterfly? because it wants to fly so much it is willing to give up being a caterpillar."
Sentimental but fantastically true.
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Old 04-10-2009, 10:02 PM
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You've obviously already received a ton of good advice, but I thought I'd respond to a comment you made.

Originally Posted by Everlong View Post
I haven't had a friend over in months, because he drinks. His doctors have already told him he drinks too much, and he's going to die because of it, but does that matter? Not to him. I guess his family doesn't matter, and that makes me even more angry, because I am his family, and he just doesn't give a damn.
I'm assuming you're either in high school or graduated recently and are stuck living at home. Please don't think that you and your family do not matter. It's taken me a very long time (still in the process!) to realize that it is not within the alcoholic's control to stop. You haven't elaborated on your situation (correct me if I'm wrong) but from what I've seen and read, most alcoholics are in extreme denial. It doesn't matter how much proof you can give them. For instance, one time my brother and I taped 25 empty beer cans to the kitchen table after just one night of my parent's binge drinking. Nothing works. The many nights I spent screaming at them to stop, saying that they didn't really love me, that they should choose me over the beer, were pointless. It's a hard thing to wrap your head around, but alcoholics don't think like healthy people. They don't understand the harm they do to others, or they choose not to see it. It most likely isn't that your father (?) doesn't care or that you don't matter to him, it's just that he can't stop his addiction. Alcoholics will stop at nothing to feed their addiction.
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Old 04-12-2009, 01:39 PM
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Hi Everlong.

You probably haven't seen me much, lately I've had things that have been keeping me from posting much, but this post I felt I might be able to help with.

The key to no longer being angry is acceptance. Accepting your father the way he is, accepting the situation the way it is, and accepting your feelings as they are.

For the first two, a therapist once gave me a great line that I occasionally use as a mantra: "I am not entitled to the father I think I should have, I am only entitled to the father I have." This works with any toxic person in your life, be they related or not. It's a gentle reminder to yourself that you don't get to choose the actions or behaviors of those around you, all you can do is witness them, and possibly wish they were different - but you don't get to change any of it.

For the third in my list, I have a hypothetical situation for you to ponder. Let's say you know a child - maybe 8 or 9 or 10 years old. They could be a niece or nephew or student or next door neighbor or whomever. And, for whatever reason, let's say that you have earned their trust. One day this child comes to you and asks "Why does Daddy drink? He's not nice when he drinks. It makes him sick and I'm scared that he's going to die because of how sick it makes him. So why does he do it? It makes me angry the way he treats me and mommy."

What would you say to that child (not talking about involving children's services, simply what would you reply to the child at that moment)?

I would probably say something like: "You're right, your Daddy is doing something that makes him sick, and it's not fair, especially since he could hurt you or your mommy. Some people don't think about how what they do will hurt the other people around them. It's not fair, it's not even right, but it is the way that some people act. I would be angry and worried and hurt if I were you too."

Now the key is to take the You that isn't in the situation - that would be the you who is asking the question, not the you that is feeling the anger - and have that You tell the other You - the one who is feeling the anger - tell the other You exactly what you would tell a child. Give yourself permission to feel angry. Some people get confused that to feel anger towards another person is to not love them, but the reality is that the more we love someone, the more angry we tend to be with them. Giving yourself permission to be angry, telling yourself that it would only be natural to be upset and that being hurt and wounded by his behavior is acceptable may take away some of your difficulties in accepting the situation as-is.

If you need to hear it from someone else, I'll tell you that yes, it is awful. It is hurtful and anger is a completely natural feeling to have given the circumstances, and I would be more worried if you *weren't* angry.

Grant yourself the sympathy for your situation that you would grant to that hypothetical child I mentioned above. Be a parent to yourself - tell yourself the things that you've known all along, but no other adult would dare say out loud for whatever reason.

The anger lessens as the acceptance of the situation increases. It's not an easy process, but it can be done.

I wish you peace in your heart.

Gin
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