The divorcing part is really tough--advice needed

Old 04-05-2009, 04:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
The divorcing part is really tough--advice needed

Hey folks--This may be kind of long, so bear with me, but I would like some words of advice, encouragement, what have you--I'll take it all. I am in the process of divorcing my XAH. The final straw was physical abuse, which I described in an earlier post, so I won't rehash it, but I had left and come back many times previous to that. About two weeks after I left and had already hired an attorney, XAH went back on the wagon with renewed promises to change, etc. At the time, I told him that if he were to stay sober and keep a job and let me go through with the divorce, that I thought there was a good chance we would get back together in the future. In fact, I posted about that too, and a lot of people responded with the excellent advice that it wasn't really fair to either of us for me to make an "if you do X, Y, and Z" then it will all work out statement because who can tell what the future truly holds, or whether or not he would be able to stay sober, or who we would both turn into via recovery, or if either of us would meet someone, etc.

Since that time, he relapsed again, and then got back on the wagon, again. This last relapse, he says, was due to again taking a full-commission job that he was unsuccessful at. During the time of his last relapse....I did meet someone. Not someone new, but an old boyfriend contacted me via the internet, and this was someone I had always thought about, but didn't want to try and contact myself until my own personal life was more squared away. But, I did agree to meet him for lunch, and we've since seen each other a few more times and it has been really great. He's been very understanding and respectful of my situation, hasn't been pushing me into anything I'm not ready for, and has been a source of comfort and happiness for me at a time when that feels pretty good.

So....STBXAH of course got back on the wagon and began attending AA again (mind you, it's only been a week at this point). While he was drinking I didn't discuss anything serious or make any promises. Some of my support system people thought that perhaps I should say nothing different than what I had been saying to him, in the hopes that if he still had hope we would be together in the future, he would maybe work harder at his sobriety and then I could deal with any future dilemmas down the line if he did manage to stay sober and still wanted a relationship with me, and if I still had a budding relationship with Mr. Old Boyfriend. But...that didn't feel right to me, to lie to him to that extent; on the other hand, nobody thought it was a good idea that I come completely clean with him and tell him I've been on a few "dates", and I agreed with that part. So what I ended up doing was, telling him what I should have been telling him all along, which is basically the advice I was given earlier. That I didn't think it was fair to either of us for me to make promises I wasn't sure I could keep, that I couldn't predict the future, that I would always love him but was no longer sure that even if he totally changed that we would or could have a relationship, and even that I would not promise not to date anyone else for a year (which is a promise I regretfully had made to him earlier--because I truly did not want to date anyone else and don't think I would have accepted a date if anyone new were to ask). The only reason I feel comfortable enough having my small bit of happiness with Mr. Old Boyfriend is because he is more of an old friend to me right now than a new romantic partner anyway, although I will say that I am very attracted to him, and vice versa--but I'm certainly taking it VERY slow with him.

So now, STBXAH's heart is broken, and of course, that hurts my heart as well. I'm not recovered enough from my own codie ways that hurting a man I used to love, and still do have love for, feels anything but very foreign and painful to me. On the other hand, I really feel I'm doing the right thing right now, after a while of doing the wrong thing by giving too much (potentially) false hope. I'm disappointed in myself that it took another man for me to see that, but part of me feels he was sort of sent by God to me for exactly that purpose. It's just hard feeling like I'm breaking my XAH's heart (which is what he says I'm doing) and I wish this were easier.

If anyone has any thoughts or opinions on this sort of situation, I'd love to hear them. Thanks for being such a great sounding board--even just writing it out helps.
Mambo Queen is offline  
Old 04-05-2009, 04:58 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
peaceteach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I agree. How many times did you feel sad and heartbroken because of his actions? You didn't cause any of this. He did. It's called life with consequences. Less communication with the old guy, and be nice to the new one. I divorced exAH nearly 5 years ago, and old high school friend came and found me too. He's such a sweetie, and I know we both deserve this new shot at love. Have fun! Really! It's okay.
peaceteach is offline  
Old 04-05-2009, 05:09 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Yield beautiful changes
 
ToughChoices's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,681
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen View Post
On the other hand, I really feel I'm doing the right thing right now, after a while of doing the wrong thing by giving too much (potentially) false hope. I'm disappointed in myself that it took another man for me to see that, but part of me feels he was sort of sent by God to me for exactly that purpose.
Trust yourself, here, Mambo Queen. You can feel what is healthy. You know what works for you and what doesn't. That's a HUGE step. No need for disappointment in yourself - life's not always elegant, but you're getting the job done.

Keep telling yourself that you deserve to be happy. Keep telling yourself that your STBXAH's happiness is none of your concern.
That's the truth.

You're going to be just fine!
Hugs to you!

-TC
ToughChoices is online now  
Old 04-06-2009, 07:10 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I agree with the others, you deserve happiness. Your AH had many chances along the way and he wasted every one of them. Don't feel bad - he didn't when he was putting you through he((.
Callie is offline  
Old 04-07-2009, 03:46 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Africa
Posts: 65
I am with the others on this too. Maybe you can spare him the details but don't spare yourself the happiness! XX
JoBloggs is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:17 AM.