suchAsucker

I'm so angry with myself. A-N-G-R-Y. I'm 19 days away from moving out & leaving my addict fiance. And now, as I look around, look inside myself, and see everything for The Truth Of It All, I have no one to blame but myself for being in this situation. There were so many times over these past 2.5 years that I had the opportunity to walk away from him, scot-free, with my pride, health, and finances intact, but rather than running for the hills I fought like hell to stick by my man and save the relationship. I even find myself wishing that we had never met, and that that chance meeting in 2006 never happened. If there were 60 seconds, a turn of the corner, that I could take back, it would be those seconds that I turned the corner and bumped into him.

What a mess my life is now. I look forward to regaining my freedom soon, but WOW what a mess it has become. Even my furniture... I've alway kept my furniture in perfect condition, until the addict came into my life, and the ash-marks, spills, and stains cover them, not even worth taking with me during the move, to be donated to a thrift store. I look around my house and I don't know where anything is located, since it has been rearranged hundreds of times when he rummaged thru my stuff to find things to pawn. Even some of my kitchen utencils are destroyed and used for druggie-paraphenalia.

I'm cured of wanting a "bad boy". I find myself just wanting to be alone with my pets, in a clean, organized home, everything exactly where I left it when I last used it. Quiet. Gas in my car, untouched since I last drove it. I want to buy groceries "just for me, what I like", without having to think about him. Lately, when we go grocery shopping, I find myself tallying what is in the cart "for me" vs. "for him" and getting angry that the bulk of food is his. I don't even like to eat meat or drink beer. And I want THE WHOLE BED, and to sleep in the center of it, by myself. I want to buy shampoo that I like, and have it last more than it does when 2 people are using the bottle.

If I date sometime again in the FAR FUTURE, I will absolutely NOT let him into my home, but rather be able to meet at his place or other neutral territory when I can leave him and return to my own peacfeul, uncrowded sanctuary at the end of the date.

I really wish I had been less infatuated with him and left when I FIRST discovered that he was a druggie (7 weeks after our first meeting), rather than becoming attached with all of the BS: jail, court, crazy-making, chaos. The only good lessons I learned, and am grateful for, is that I'm getting out NOW and will do my best to NEVER put myself in this kind of situation ever again. So I'm ANGRY at myself for being this foolish. And I'm angry that my furniture is destroyed. And I want my bed back. And I want salad and vegetables in my refridgerator. And an organized closet.

Okay, amybe my anger is kinda funny, re-reading this post... but it's true. It's the little things I miss about having a "normal life".

Thank for letting me vent... Love you all so much!

Spiritual Seeker

Doesn't sound like you are taking much away from this relationship.
Be sure not to leave the "lessons" behind. That is the silver lining here.
There are lessons. Take the time to know what they are and grow from them.

Serenity Bound

nothing wrong with feelings of anger, just acknowledge it, feel it & then let it go, just like your letting him go

hello-kitty

19... 18... 17... 16... 15... and soon you will be moving on to a new future and you will be all the wiser. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. This too shall pass.

Angelic17

suchasucker, sounds like when you finally do meet a good normal man, one that is not a draining, blood sucking drug user, that you will not be moving in together so fast. It's almost always a mistake to let a man, live in your place. A good responsible man, will find a place for the both of you to start your life together. And when you are in love, you won't mind, buying food for him. And you will love sharing your bed with him. Sounds like this guy did a real number on you. Chalk it up as a learning experience. How wonderful it will be when a real man comes along. Not all men, are like this guy. My first husband was an addict. Second husband is the complete opposite. I am happily married for many years. He has never lied to me, or done anything to hurt me in anyway. I hope you find someone like that. You deserve it. Oh, and just think how nice your new furniture will be. Better days, and things are waiting for you. Bless You

kj3880

Or finding knives/or and spoons up in the bathroom...somehow I knew that nobody was eating steak and soup up there...

And the places we find our mirrors relocated to when we get home....

All the coins gone from the change dish next to the bed...

When "I'm just running to the store, honey" trips became voyages with strange twists and accidents and traffic situations and stoppages for emergencies that somehow took hours...

Ah, the little things...how we'll miss them! NOT!!!!


KJ

suchAsucker

Hello Friends,

My Goodness, HOW TRUE...!!!!

All the dumb BS... lighters, spoons, screwdrivers, foil, my state quarter collection that has been stolen THREE TIMES and now sits empty on my wall, just anything... I hope, Angelic17, that there is a companion someday but I'm not ready for it (yet).. but I'm looking foward to meeting for the first time in my life a clean-cut, honest, WORKING, guy someday... they're out there... Yes, the silver lining is that it's almost over and the Lesson has been bleached into my bones... Thank the Gods... But damn, I'm ready to take a bath, a GOOD bath, without him sneaking out to get his drugs when I'm having a relaxing bath for 30 minutes (really happened 3 weeks ago)... I just find this existence a complete comedy... just when I think it cannot get any stupider -- somehow it gets more stupid... I feel like I'm living in the movie "Dumb and Dumber" with Jim Carey... Lately, I look at him with this look on my face that says, "Are you really thinking that the screwdriver (his crack "pusher") is really a necessary tool to fix the toilet plunger?!?"... It's so dumb, but here I am and I know that I've accepted stupid-er excuses in the past... Thank God for y'all, and thank SR for all the support... you guys are awesome...

P.S. I'm already fantasizing about my new furniture and kitchen utencils!!!!

kj3880

We should really write a book:

"The Crazy Things Addicts Do and How to Get Away from them with Your Sanity and Bank Account Intact"

I wonder if people would buy it?

Love,
KJ

imallright

I don't know if people would buy the book, but I do know it would be so thick and have sooo many chapters, nobody could lift it! Sucker...go easy on yourself... that is the advise that I got here many, many times. Remember, you have made the decision to live a healthy, clean, happy life. That is soooo exciting and just the thought is liberating. Be proud of yourself that you recognized that place you were in and took control of your life to move forward. Good for you!

Angelic17

I would buy that book kj, lol. I read anything and everything when it comes to addiction. Suchasucker, 18 days to go. Don't change your mind, and don't tell him where your going either. You have to pity him, the poor guy has a disease. Maybe you should talk to him, and tell him to go into treatment. Does he know your leaving? Or are you just walking out on him? Either way, your doing the right thing.

cessy68

:c011
AHHHHHHHH
What a breath of fresh air.... (back in the day, before my codie behavior, before this disfunctional relatinship)
Yet AFTER my divorce, this is exactly what I sounded like - when talkin to my friends, about being / getting a divorce.

They used to say I could be the poster child for divorce.... and we would giggle, because I made it sound so dang appealing!!!

JUST LIKE YOU!!!

WOW, freedom is definatly underated!!! Thanks for reminding me how great it was....
Love,cess