HideorSeek

it's not.

I drank last night, on what would have been my 58th day. I didn't drink a lot, but enough to feel lousy today and incredibly angry at myself. It's not worth it, believe me. It didn't even feel good at the time. I am more committed than ever today, but needed to "come clean" to all of you and to discourage anyone else who may be teetering.

gurujake

Hey HideorSeek, thanks for your post. I am similar to you in that I recently relapsed after having 65 days. This is my 2nd go-around so I should know better but it's been way more difficult getting back that I could have ever guessed. I too am now more committed and committed to me means action - I got a new sponsor, I'm in the midst of 30 meetings in 30 days, I've picked up two commitments and I've started calling alcoholics on a daily basis...many of them. So, I'm on day 8 again and feeling proud of what I'm doing instead of regretting what I've done. Keep at it!

HideorSeek

Thanks gurujake. I knew better, I really did. I have the "tools", but chose not to use them. It's entirely my fault for not being more proactive. The only good thing is that I really didn't enjoy the feeling. It's been long enough, that I actually felt uncomfortable, which is a good thing. Now, if I am tempted, not only do I need to remind myself of all the emotional and physical distress, but also, how the ahhh feeling just isn't there anymore. Those days are gone. Thanks for your support!

Maggot4Life

I found it helps alot to remember how I felt the last time I drank, I really don't want to feel that way again. I just keep that in the back of my mind whenever the urge hits.

mamabin

Thanks for posting this. I'm teetering. I'm at the point where I'm wondering if I could have one or two around people. And I have just over 2 months.

HideorSeek

Hi Mamabin!

Keep your days! Really, it's not worth it. Let me take the fall for you. I understand (obviously!), how that "last" drink experience dims over time, and how "a couple" sounds like a good idea. But, truly, it didn't even feel good. It felt weird after being sober. Sometimes, when I'm feeling shaky, I read posts here (like mine), and the reality of this disease just smacks me in the face. I should have done that last night, but I didn't.

keep up the good fight!

Hevyn

I promise you, it can never feel the same for us again. The old euphoria will not come back. Believe me, I've tried to recreate it. We also run the risk of a dangerous binge that we might not come out of. I've tried to moderate when out with friends (surely I'd never be foolish enough to get drunk again!). It worked just once. I thought - that went well - I can do this - and off I went, this time for 7 years, until I found SR. Thanks for a great post.

HideorSeek

Hi Hevyn!

You are so right. It's odd how the good feeling that everyone else seems to get, just isn't there for me any more. It makes me feel disoriented and anxious. Definitely NOT euphoric and happy like it used to. So this was a good (hopefully LAST) lesson for me. If it has lost its "effect", why bother? And that's not even touching on the negative consequences...

Amy08

THANK YOU....!

I'm going to take your post as a 'sign' if you don't mind. I have 11 months and have had those intrusive thoughts that just 'maybe' it wouldn't be such a big deal. I have been trying to remember the consequences, the horrible feelings of self loathing when I was drinking; but those too dim. This is the 2nd post I just read in the last 30 minutes that addressed this. Wow, thank you sooo much for sharing this, this board has been a lifesaver!

Amy

HideorSeek

Glad to be of service, Amy! I know that, in the past, a post has come at just the right time for me and one of my reasons for posting this setback was to help others in need of a "reminder"...we are all in this together!

lunarise

Thanks for this post...with the warm weather coming believe it or not that is a trigger for me.....your post reminded me that oh yeah...I didn't even LIKE the feeling of being drunk anymore......

Thanks again...

Hevyn

Amy, I'm with you - even after all I've been through, all the messes I've had to clean up - I still have those thoughts of "Oh, come on, just give it a try one more time." I even once tried to talk my husband into taking me out for a few & "watching" me, so I didn't overdo it. That's just sick and unfair. I wonder what I'm looking for, knowing the truth - but those thoughts still visit me now and then. We must always be vigilant. This thread has helped me too - as Vivid mentioned, spring's here, all sorts of triggers floating around.

Latte

A belly full of booze and a head full of recovery (AA or whatever you use) never works well. Once I found AA and NA, using or drinking wasn't the same.

Keep on keeping on.

Lenina

This has been my experience. Once you've tasted recovery drinking/using just doesn't work. To be honest, if it had been working we wouldn't have made efforts to quit in the first place, I think.

It truly is a progressive disease. It only gets worse. I've done my scouting missions and like you, know for sure, first hand, it doesn't work.

The good news is we now go on with our recovery without the doubt. Drinking isn't the answer. I'm so glad you're still with us.

Love,

Lenina

least

HoS, I know just what you mean. Fifty some days ago I threw away over six months sober for one day, one damn day of drinking. It took me two days to feel 'normal' again and my self hatred and shame were off the graph. Now if I feel like drinking, I come here and read read read and post how I feel. And that gets me past the craving. Thank you so much for posting. You have done so much good by telling your sad experience, for me and for any newcomers who might be feeling tempted.

:ghug3

SelfSeeking

So true. I relapsed for one night after I started attending AA (researching step one, I guess). The compulsion to drink was still there, the euphoria gone. It was just me watching myself in disgust as I chugged booze, by myself as is my style, until I blacked out. When I woke up I thought, hm. Looks like I've had my share and then some. Time to get serious about this.

Since the way we drink can kill us sooner or later, it's a d@mn good thing AA ruins our drinking.

HideorSeek

Thank you, everyone, for the support and understanding. Last night was last night. Today, I am recommitted. I agree that once you "taste" sobriety, drinking just doesn't cut it anymore. This morning, when I felt angry at myself and physically icky, I thought to myself "You used to put up feeling this way several times a week???" Ugh. No more. So I wrote these thoughts in my journal and posted here, lest I "forget" in the future. Nope. Sobriety is way better. For those contemplating drinking: don't. I feel so good sober, emotionally and physically. My life is so much better, my marriage and relationship with my children. I'm physically more fit. My self-esteem is much better. I am proud of myself, not ashamed of my actions. I remember my evenings and don't panic from the repercusssions of blackouts. I accomplish more, I ENJOY my life. Other people can and do drink. So what? Today, I CHOOSE not to.

Thanks again everyone!:ghug3

Richard54

Thanks for this thread.

Sober for 10 weeks and I still have that devil whispering in my ear EVERY DAY.

You all just helped me breeze through another one, sober.

Good going H&S on getting back on board right away! Bravo!

Dee74

Thanks for this thread H&S.

I believe its like what others have said here....once you've admitted - even just a little bit - what drinking or using does to you, and realise that you have a problem...you can't go back.

The buzz is gone.

Doesn't necessarily stop us trying tho - that's one of the awful parts of all this.

Whatever you think drinking or using will do for you - it won't. I have 5 years solid daily experience on that.

There are other better ways to deal with things. Unfortunately they're also often harder.
Go figure. Nothing worth it is easy I reckon?

D

gneiss

Right around 2 months, I think day 63, I had one night where I thought I'd go to a bar, be DD for my friends. 12-ish beers later I staggered out the door to buy drugs (I know I've said it all on here before. Sorry). I still feel like I'm a little obsessed with this horrendously bad decision, I can't quite get over it. Today is 30 days for me... again. I'm still mad at myself for that night. I use it as a motivator when I feel like grabbing a drink. I've been told to put it behind me but I can't let go of it for some reason. I really let myself down. I feel like I threw away 2 months of my life.