so I've been used again
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
so I've been used again
In the last two weeks I have seen my recovery go down the tubes. My AD moved back in with us (and her 1 yo) on 2/28. She got a protective order against her abusive husband.(H#2) At first, things were okay, he was staying away, couldn't call her because she had her cell # changed, she was working her program, going to lots of appts to get cash assistence, food stamps, etc.
Approx 2 1/2 weeks ago, she got mad at her sponsor & hasn't had a sponsor since. She's no longer working her program, reading literature, getting on SR and certainly not going to as many meetings as she had been doing.
Other than taking care of her 1 yo & talking to friends, she doesn't do anything more. Heaven forbid she clean a room or make dinner.
Somehow (hmmp) her husband#2 got her phone number 3 days ago, calling her all day long. The 1 yo is sick again, so she & H#2 took her to the doctors today together.
Right now, she is spending the nite with him. Now I know that this is her choice and not mine. However, knowing that, I'm still pissed to the max. So pissed, that here I am at 2 am wide awake.
Approx 2 1/2 weeks ago, she got mad at her sponsor & hasn't had a sponsor since. She's no longer working her program, reading literature, getting on SR and certainly not going to as many meetings as she had been doing.
Other than taking care of her 1 yo & talking to friends, she doesn't do anything more. Heaven forbid she clean a room or make dinner.
Somehow (hmmp) her husband#2 got her phone number 3 days ago, calling her all day long. The 1 yo is sick again, so she & H#2 took her to the doctors today together.
Right now, she is spending the nite with him. Now I know that this is her choice and not mine. However, knowing that, I'm still pissed to the max. So pissed, that here I am at 2 am wide awake.
Chris 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Chris,
I am so sorry. You are a wonderful mother, hopefully she will see she is slipping and get back on the track. There really is nothing you can do, but make sure the baby is taken care of. It really sounds as if she is not ready to move away from this husband and move on with her life. I'm just sorry for you Chris I know how much it hurts to see our kids make wrong choices. (((HUGS)))
I am so sorry. You are a wonderful mother, hopefully she will see she is slipping and get back on the track. There really is nothing you can do, but make sure the baby is taken care of. It really sounds as if she is not ready to move away from this husband and move on with her life. I'm just sorry for you Chris I know how much it hurts to see our kids make wrong choices. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Chris))))
It's hard to watch, isn't it. I never could... I wasn't a front row person. I had to establish the boundary that if you were in my house you had to be actively working a program. Even that didn't make home life stress-free. I was in early recovery and so was my daughter. But at least i had folks to call in my program and she did in her's and that made it easier for me to let go of her stuff. I'm not sure how I'd be if there was a baby involved.
It helps me when I get worked up to remember that it is my choice how I react and that my stress and anger is not affecting anyone but me. If I think about this long enough and shift my focus, it's easier to let go.
Sure hope you got some sleep last night...Hugs
It's hard to watch, isn't it. I never could... I wasn't a front row person. I had to establish the boundary that if you were in my house you had to be actively working a program. Even that didn't make home life stress-free. I was in early recovery and so was my daughter. But at least i had folks to call in my program and she did in her's and that made it easier for me to let go of her stuff. I'm not sure how I'd be if there was a baby involved.
It helps me when I get worked up to remember that it is my choice how I react and that my stress and anger is not affecting anyone but me. If I think about this long enough and shift my focus, it's easier to let go.
Sure hope you got some sleep last night...Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Did you have anything clearly stated before she moved in as far as what your boundaries were?
My oldest AD used my grandkids as pawns, and she used me as a doormat time and time again. She finally lost custody of her kids.
She's no longer welcome in my home, and she knows it.
My oldest AD used my grandkids as pawns, and she used me as a doormat time and time again. She finally lost custody of her kids.
She's no longer welcome in my home, and she knows it.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Serenity
So sorry about your situation. It is very hard having a front row seat to all the chaos. I totally understand, especially with the little ones involved. And I know about the 2:00am thing too. I don't have any advise. Just wanted you to know that I understand.
I really hope you got some sleep last nite. Sleep deprivation makes it much harder on me to think straight.
Sending you hugs :ghug3
Gotahavfaith
So sorry about your situation. It is very hard having a front row seat to all the chaos. I totally understand, especially with the little ones involved. And I know about the 2:00am thing too. I don't have any advise. Just wanted you to know that I understand.
I really hope you got some sleep last nite. Sleep deprivation makes it much harder on me to think straight.
Sending you hugs :ghug3
Gotahavfaith
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Chris, I am so sorry. I know it has to be hard to let her go but that is exactely what you have to do. It sounds like she is not over Hubbie #2 yet. If she goes back with him then leaves him again you have the choice whether to take her in. I am sure it is very hard because of the baby.
Hoping & praying things work out,
Diane
Hoping & praying things work out,
Diane
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Thank you everyone. I finally got to sleep about 4:30 am, at least I didn't have to get up early so I slept in til 11 am 
I had boundaries with her b/4 she moved in, let her know that she had to be clean, working her program, take care of her baby & pick up after herself & pay rent, etc. hmmmm that lasted all of two weeks, of course rent never paid.
It's not even about the above, it's really seeing once again how selfish she is & how blind.
When I finally figured out last nite that my anger was only hurting me, I was able to put it aside & sleep.
She stopped by today (don't know what for) she didn't bother saying hello to either her dad or I. I was out on the deck & when I heard the door slam, I opened it, asked her how Alaura (1yo) was, she said fine, I said okay & simply closed the door.
So thankful it was sunny & warm today, it lifted my spirits to sit outside in the sun.
I just don't get it, ya know.........I will have to work harder on my program, even if that means going back to step 1.
I had boundaries with her b/4 she moved in, let her know that she had to be clean, working her program, take care of her baby & pick up after herself & pay rent, etc. hmmmm that lasted all of two weeks, of course rent never paid.
It's not even about the above, it's really seeing once again how selfish she is & how blind.
When I finally figured out last nite that my anger was only hurting me, I was able to put it aside & sleep.
She stopped by today (don't know what for) she didn't bother saying hello to either her dad or I. I was out on the deck & when I heard the door slam, I opened it, asked her how Alaura (1yo) was, she said fine, I said okay & simply closed the door.
So thankful it was sunny & warm today, it lifted my spirits to sit outside in the sun.
I just don't get it, ya know.........I will have to work harder on my program, even if that means going back to step 1.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
She is not ready to meet your expectations no matter how angry, watchful, generous, etc. that you are.
You are getting a big ole history lesson of how you don't have control.
With addicts boundaries and rules get broken. People don't change because of our expectations.
What you do have control over is not having to walk on eggshells in your own house.
How you do this must be determined.
The way our adult children behave, it is hard to believe we raised them.
How'd they get so selfish?
However, we only give if we are willing with full disclosure that is doesn't change the situation in and of itself.
You are getting a big ole history lesson of how you don't have control.
With addicts boundaries and rules get broken. People don't change because of our expectations.
What you do have control over is not having to walk on eggshells in your own house.
How you do this must be determined.
The way our adult children behave, it is hard to believe we raised them.
How'd they get so selfish?
However, we only give if we are willing with full disclosure that is doesn't change the situation in and of itself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker 
She is not ready to meet your expectations no matter how angry, watchful, generous, etc. that you are.
You are getting a big ole history lesson of how you don't have control.
With addicts boundaries and rules get broken. People don't change because of our expectations.
What you do have control over is not having to walk on eggshells in your own house.
How you do this must be determined.
The way our adult children behave, it is hard to believe we raised them.
How'd they get so selfish?
However, we only give if we are willing with full disclosure that is doesn't change the situation in and of itself.
You are getting a big ole history lesson of how you don't have control.
With addicts boundaries and rules get broken. People don't change because of our expectations.
What you do have control over is not having to walk on eggshells in your own house.
How you do this must be determined.
The way our adult children behave, it is hard to believe we raised them.
How'd they get so selfish?
However, we only give if we are willing with full disclosure that is doesn't change the situation in and of itself.
Really who raised this kid? Kid....h!ll she's 30yo.
Anyway, she, H#2 & both kids came yesterday, it seems she bought the 6yo a new bike. (bigger) apparently that's why she stopped by earlier to put the bike in our garage and then pick up 6 yo from her H#1's and surprise her with the bike. We live in a court so it is less dangerous for gd to ride there. So, I watch her from the door, my H takes pictures and we leave it at that. Then H#2 leaves, my AD & gd's stay.:wtf2
Of course I did NOT question her as I'm not going to start anything in front of the 6yo.
So just for today, I'm going to keep the focus on me, and even go out to dinner with friends.
I feel like I've taken several steps back, may be dinner will be 1/2 step forward
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Just spoke to my AD, she said she was going to tell me something I wouldn't like. She will be moving back in with her H#2 this wednesday. 
That's me dancing at this news. I told her that it was her life, her decision, I only want whats best for her. Her recovery needs to be a priority, she said that she & H talked and that this was addressed. Already has her ride in place for her morning meetings. I also brought up the abuse issue, and well she seems to think he won't abuse her if she doesn't put him in the position to. Not much I can do there.
I DID tell her that she has cried wolf one too many times, and that my door would NO longer be open if she decides to leave him again.
So I'm going out to dinner tonight and have a GOOD time.
That's me dancing at this news. I told her that it was her life, her decision, I only want whats best for her. Her recovery needs to be a priority, she said that she & H talked and that this was addressed. Already has her ride in place for her morning meetings. I also brought up the abuse issue, and well she seems to think he won't abuse her if she doesn't put him in the position to. Not much I can do there.I DID tell her that she has cried wolf one too many times, and that my door would NO longer be open if she decides to leave him again.
So I'm going out to dinner tonight and have a GOOD time.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Thank you guys for always being there, letting me rant and find my way back.
Even when the road is not easy, you all help me to put things in perspective and hopefully come out better for it.
Hugs,
Chris
dinner is with the reunion committee, our reunion was in Nov, but we all had so much fun...we decided to keep getting together.
Even when the road is not easy, you all help me to put things in perspective and hopefully come out better for it.
Hugs,
Chris
dinner is with the reunion committee, our reunion was in Nov, but we all had so much fun...we decided to keep getting together.
Last edited by Serenity Bound; 04-06-2009 at 11:32 AM. Reason: add
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
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Originally Posted by Serenity Bound
I DID tell her that she has cried wolf one too many times, and that my door would NO longer be open if she decides to leave him again.
What a difficult situation. Maybe a list of domestic abuse hotlines, or addresses, by the phone, to give her if she should call you?
Hugs....
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