blessed4x

I'm losing my serenity tonight. I broke the news to AH that I filed. He said "that's good". He said "I know you think I cheated, but I didn't.....I had her here to work on a power point presentation." Yeah, whatever? Entire family is out of town and you choose to have a female co-worker who is not even in the same department over to work on a presentation on a Friday night at 10pm.......those were my thoughts anyway. All I said to him was "I know everything I need to".

He told our 17 and 13 year olds that I would be telling them he cheated, but he didn't and they should believe him. :wtf2 My 17 year old told me he said it. I just told them that what went on was adult and between their dad and I and I would be happy to answer any questions they have with as much info as I felt appropriate, but I have no intentions of saying anything mean about their dad and they should never be put in the middle.

I really want to take the high road, and I am having to remind myself on a minute by minute basis. He promptly went out, bought a case of beer, and drank until he passed out.....after 7 weeks of white-knuckling it. Meanwhile I am left with 4 kids and all of their feelings. And this is who I will be sending my children to every other weekend and 1 evening a week. Makes me sick.

Any advice from you who have been here?

Freedom1990

Take some long slow deep breaths. Stay in the moment.

I know how hard it is to take the high road sometimes.

Do you have any Alanon reading material handy? Say the Serenity prayer over and over if nothing else. God didn't bring you this far to drop you, hon.

How about a nice warm bubble bath?

Ago

:ghug3

:sorry

ItsmeAlice

Those actions really do say everything, don't they? He says he didn't cheat and "that's good" when you told him you filed...then he buys a case of beer and drinks himself unconscious. That looks like guilt and hurt feelings to me. I bet it looks the same way to your kids.

The uncertainty and lack of balance will pass. You will get through this, what you don't know yet is how. Let you higher power handle that part.

You are doing the right thing, and your kids will come to understand that. Give them and yourself time.

introuble

I know this won't help. I am just posting to let you know that I know how you feel. Being the wife of a truck driver, there have been many times that I have questioned fidelity. It's a very hard thing to think of and figure out...:wtf2

kermit

I remember those feelings all to well. I always felt it unfair that I was left to deal with the kids and all their emotions, but now I look back on it and I'm glad, because I'm the stable one, as are you...believe it you are stong and a wonderful Mom. When it is time to talk to the kids, be as honest as you can. It worked best for me, I never ever spoke badly about their Dad either.
Good luck, we are here for you.

blessed4x

Thanks. It wouldn't even cross my mind to talk bad about their dad to them because it would only hurt the kids. I know that through all of this they will see who he really is, and that is good and bad. I still find myself wishing he were someone other than he is.

GiveLove

I know that whenever *I* am going over to a married man's house close to midnight when his wife's out of town to help him with a power point presentation, I ALWAYS leave three messages for him during the day telling him how much I'm looking forward to it. I'm too disgusted at this lie to even go find the eye-rolling smiley for it....

So, let's see:

--Pretends not to care about impending divorce (check)
--Lies about his infidelity (check)
--Puts his kids in the middle, making them extremely uncomfortable (check)
--Checks out by drinking 'til he passes out (check)
--Generally emotionally and verbally abusive (check)

Should I go on?

I'm only sorry you have to wait before you can unload this dead weight from your life, blessed. And of course I'm sorry you're suffering this anxiety. The remainder of your time there might need to be spent at least part-time on "anxiety abatement." Is there anything like yoga, tai chi, meditation, anything relaxing and centering like that you can do to keep yourself in the moment?

Do the best you can - your instincts about what's good & right are spot-on. Trust yourself.

By the way: How did he know you "thought he was cheating"?
Is this another case where he's out here snooping around, looking for your posts? (see Glenna's post from this morning) Just curious.

:ghug3

blessed4x

No. He got me hooked on Monday and I made the stupid mistake of asking him if he felt guilty about anything. I was smart enough to avoid him the rest of the week. He knows what he did, and he knows that I know. I am well aware that everything he is doing is to cover his tracks and make me look like the bad guy. He is going to have to work overtime to gather his allies because he can't stand alone.

I know what I know. There is absolutely no denying that having a member of the opposite sex over when your family is out of town is unacceptable. Especially when he called numerous times to be sure we weren't coming home early. If it were the other way around and I had a man over he would be furious. He has already admitted that she was here, so he can't weasel out of that. I think it's ludicrous that he would even bother to explain because no one in their right mind would think it okay.

All of that aside.....we had a crappy marriage. I am hoping to get through this divorce with as little drama as possible. He better not start dragging the kids into it. I don't think he wants to meet mama bear!

blessed4x

Things seem a little clearer and calmer this morning after a few hours of sleep. He urinated on himself sometime in the night....sadly, another reminder for me that I am on the right path. I have an overwhelming rush of emotions that seem to change from minute to minute. All normal stuff I suppose.

I think some of the anxiety last night was due to the fact that prior to yesterday he hadn't drank in a couple months and he is so unpredictable when he drinks. It brought up all of those fight or flight responses.

GiveLove

Peeing. Always the peeing (sigh)

If there's anything we can do to help you keep your sanity until you can get to a more peaceful space, blessed, just holler.

blessed4x

You are already doing it. I think I would be stark-raving mad if it weren't for SR! I've heard from many people that the filing and breaking the news to family is the hardest part....even harder than the actual divorce hearing (which my attorney said I may not even be required to be at). So I figure it's all downhill from here.....even though I'm sure there will be a bump in the road here and there.

And yes, it always seems to come back to the peeing.