queenteree

Hi All,
I posted over in F&F of substance abusers cause it's about my AD, but I know all you people over here from my issues w/my RAH who is in recovery for now. I say for now because I live each day one day at a time with his addiction. And I don't know how well he can deal with the drama my AD causes. But anyway ... that's for him to work out, that's what meetings and sponsors are for. I'm here because I don't really have anyone to turn to at the moment regarding my daughter, and of course, I could go to RAH, but at the moment, I'd rather not (even tho he is taking classes to be an alcoholism and substance abuse counselor). I feel more comfortable with all of you, friends and family of A's, not the A himself. Besides, he really is too close to the situation.

Anyway, my AD was a very level headed person up till about 2 years ago. When my AH had his first stint in rehab, that's when I noticed something wasn't right with her. Now, mind you, she's always been difficult, opinionated, and had entitlement issues. Always. Anyway, two years ago when AH was in rehab, she'd come over to be a "source of strength" for me. Then she would leave her kids w/me, say she was "running to the store" and come back 2 hours later. She was always making up excuses as to why she wanted to borrow money (I'm talking "fell out of her pocket", "gas tank has a leak after she put in $25 gas", etc.), At first, never thinking she would be doing drugs, I believed it (guess that was in the grips of my codie-ism) so I would be handing out money right and left cause if I didn't she said she wouldn't have gas to get to work and "lose her job". She, being a nurse and a single mom, needed her job (not to mention she needed to make the car payment on the brand new car my AH co-signed for her so she could have good transportation to and from work and w/the kids, which HE managed to use as an excuse to drink over and over and over again!) so I was handing out money right and left. Then she had a fire in her apt (french fries) and I lent her my credit card because she did suffer 3rd degree burns for which she needed medical supplies, and since she couldn't work, I paid for them. In any event, she managed to charge up in one month over $1500 (only $300 were on medical supplies). Not to mention $3,000 I paid out in insurance premiums on the new car RAH cosigned for cause she "couldn't pay it" and I couldn't let RAH know it cause he was active in his disease at the time and that would have been the perfect excuse for all hell to break lose. Anyway, fast forward (cause I know I'm rambling, but hey, some newcomer may see a pattern here w/their family member), it finally comes to a head. She admits she has "issues". Gets her act together. Not for long.

I won't go into anymore rambles, I just wanted to give you the background since I'm new to this forum.

But, since then, was arrested last year for being in a car with a guy who had a crack pipe in there, but it got dismissed on "first time offense" type thing, lost several jobs, got evicted from her apt., moved in with her boyfriend, who I might add, is a very sweet, kind, loving man who loved (and I say "loved") her and loves her kids dearly, has done everything for them, including work his butt off to put a roof over their heads and she is unemployed. She no longer has the new car (and hasn't for about 18 mos. cause it was stolen), so she relies on public transportation, does not work, has not renewed her nursing license, and just today stole my debit card from my pocketbook while she was over. Yes, that's right. She came to my house today to do my hair (she's also a hairdresser) and she was "out of it" big time. I noticed my pocketbook wide open wallet wide open when I went in my room for something, yet, of course, she denies it. I told her I wanted to check her pockets, she refused, left (which was my immediate lie detector), went to her boyfriend's truck (she borrowed it from him to come over) came back and then said "here, I'll empty my pockets". Does she think I am dumb???? I had already called and reported it as stolen. I told her she stole it, she denied it, I wasn't gonna get into it (why bother, I know the truth). I told her to leave my house and would not let her take her two kids (they stayed at my house overnight last night). Her boyfriend calls me about 2 hours later saying he had to get to work, and asked if she left yet. I told him she left two hours ago. He started saying how selfish she is, in considerate, and he was really worried he was gonna get in trouble at work. She wound up coming home after that, but he was gonna be late. I calmed him down and he went to work.

Anyway, I brought her kids home a little while ago, she appeared to still be "out of it". Claims she is having "mini seizures". I know for a fact she hangs out with my sister (her 47 yo aunt) who is a crack, ambien, xanax addict, and an alcoholic. I truly don't care anymore what happens to my daughter, I have let go on that one. But I get concerned for her two kids. They are very mature, and I know they can handle things, but do they deserve to grow up with a mother like this? I don't want to open up a can of worms and do something I may regret, but yet I feel for my grandchildren. I work full time, as does RAH, and there would be no way either could give up our jobs to care for these kids, we don't have any extra income for child care, etc. I don't know what to do. Also, we (RAH and I) have discussed the possibility of an intervention but I don't think it would do anything. I have also thought of calling her father (he left when she was 4 and she did not see him nor have a relationship w/him till this past year, she's 27 now) because I have a feeling she is playing her "divide and conquer" game with us (we don't have contact) and is getting money from him w/sob stories, etc. This past month, she was arrested for driving w/a suspended license. she called me for bail, I let her sit in jail for 5 days till her boyfriend bailed her out (borrowed money from my RAH to do it). I got a feeling she gave her father a sob story on that one, said her bf bailed her out, he sent her money, which she spent. I really believe she is on Xanax, coke and vicodin. How does one let go when there are kids involved? Would that then open up another can of worms with RAH, since he is at an age where he thought there would be no more kids. I know, if he relapsed, he caused it and I can't control it, but I could not support them on my own, and I won't subject them to living here with him while he would be active. Any words of wisdom any of you can give me is greatly appreciated.
And as I post this, I hear from my older granddaughter, they are staying over their old landlord (xfamily friend's) house tonite. Their mother called and asked them if they wanted to have them for the night for a visit! At least I know they are OK.

Freedom1990

I put myself through the wringer wtih my oldest AD. Why? There were grandkids involved.

When all was said and done, nothing I did ever made a real difference, she was going to do what she was going to do, and I was drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

She did end up losing custody of the kids, but their father has no backbone to stand up to her, so she still gets them on weekends, and then all summer long.

She is no longer welcome in my home. She gets nothing from me, zilch, zero, nada, not one single dime.

She knows all about recovery because she was eight years old when I went through rehab in '86 and was around the rooms of AA (went to open meetings with me when I didn't have a sitter) and around the good folks in AA a lot.

I cherish the time that I do have with the grandkids when they are in my home for a visit. I love them with all my heart, but know I can't protect them from the effects that their mother's disease has on them. All I can be is a healthy and 'present' grandmother for them.

I continue to work my own program of recovery, through AA and Alanon. I am of little value to anyone else if I am not taking care of myself.

If you're not attending Alanon already, I would encourage you to start doing so for yourself. :ghug :ghug

queenteree

Grandkids, it's the hardest thing ever! And like you, she is no longer welcome in my home, and will get nothing from me. But the kids' father is not in the picture, he terminated his rights to them along w/the divorce (that should be final in a week or so). Her BF was gonna adopt them, but I don't think that relationship will last as he is at his wits end w/her. So who do they have??? Only her and her enablers. I gotta do something soon.

Lilyflower

Terree, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this again, but with your daughter this time?! - it is a hard one for you with the grandkids too, but I think you know how to handle the situation, your experiences with your RAH has taught you alot about life with an addict, and all your tools can be used here too,

As for the grandkids, if you really cannot look after them, the only other option open to you to protect them from any harm is to call child protection. I understand that this is scary and opens up many questions for your relationship with them, their mum and their life, but I could imagine that life at home with addicted mum is hell on earth for them, they deserve so much better than that, perhaps they can help you in some way practically with the situation. It is an avenue to explore anyhow. Also could your sons help out?

She needs to hit her bottom, she will most likely end up losing her children as long as she keeps using, perhaps that would be a bottom for her?

I hope things turn around for you and those little ones, much much love to you all

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

queenteree

Thank you all for your thoughts, concerns and words of wisdom. I have a little update on AD - day after I posted this, her biological father calls me (HP did for me what I wasn't sure I should do, HP made the decision for me)! Turns out he had some questions about things that didn't seem "quite right", so we had a long discussion. I hadn't talked to this man in 20 years! I used to always "protect" (my codie thinking!) my daughter, sugar coat alot of stuff, rescue her. But now, I don't sugar coat anything or rescue anyone. Everyone is responsible for themselves and their actions. I told AD that her father and I had spoke, and neither one of us will be enabling her any longer, that she had to get her act together and do what she needed to do or she was gonna lose everyone and everything. She does know I no longer make "idle threats" (guess she learned that the hard way when I let her stay in jail). She has since gone into therapy and the situation seems hopeful. And she also knows if it doesn't stay that way, I'll do what I need to do for all concerned. So so far, so good. Thank you to all for keeping us in your thoughts.