OT Struggling
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
OT Struggling
My AH is 5 1/2 months clean... I should be happy right? I should be on top of the world... but I'm not...
Somedays I still feel stuck on this merry go round of chaos.. My AH is doing great, he's going to meetings, he has a great sponsor and he is a totaly different person then he was 6 months ago.. There are so many people that would give anything to be in my shoes..
Me-- I still feel like the same person I was 6 months ago.. I go to meetings, both Alanon and open NA.. I like the open NA ones a lot better then Alanon.. I can just relate better to the addicts then the people I come in contact with in alanon.. I sit there and listion to these addicts share there strength hope and experiance and know its only by the grace of God that I'm not an addict because I share the same obsessive thoughts and mindsets as the ones in my meetings do... I read my recovery literature every day and I pray and meditate and really try hard at just letting go and letting God have control of whatever is going to happen.. but some days I still feel so out of control.. I have an eating disorder that is kicking my a$$ (I'm working the 12 steps on that one), I worry constantly about money or the lack of money I should say when in reality between my husband and myself we are making ends meet and we still have a little left over to sock away in savings and to have a "date" every couple of weeks.
Has anyone ever felt this way?... or am I just having a bad couple of months and just letting things get in my way of true recovery...
Somedays I still feel stuck on this merry go round of chaos.. My AH is doing great, he's going to meetings, he has a great sponsor and he is a totaly different person then he was 6 months ago.. There are so many people that would give anything to be in my shoes..
Me-- I still feel like the same person I was 6 months ago.. I go to meetings, both Alanon and open NA.. I like the open NA ones a lot better then Alanon.. I can just relate better to the addicts then the people I come in contact with in alanon.. I sit there and listion to these addicts share there strength hope and experiance and know its only by the grace of God that I'm not an addict because I share the same obsessive thoughts and mindsets as the ones in my meetings do... I read my recovery literature every day and I pray and meditate and really try hard at just letting go and letting God have control of whatever is going to happen.. but some days I still feel so out of control.. I have an eating disorder that is kicking my a$$ (I'm working the 12 steps on that one), I worry constantly about money or the lack of money I should say when in reality between my husband and myself we are making ends meet and we still have a little left over to sock away in savings and to have a "date" every couple of weeks.
Has anyone ever felt this way?... or am I just having a bad couple of months and just letting things get in my way of true recovery...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
:ghug3
Actually, yes, and I was just sharing about this last week at my meeting (alanon) and it reminds me of that "few steps forward, one step back" kind of thing.....how we can make progress and then slip a little here and there. I think the important thing to keep our eyes on is the overall progress, which isn't always easy to do. More importantly, I need to keep taking those steps forward, however small.
I feel like I'm at a stand still. Like, OK, I've come this far....enforcing my boundaries, letting go, taking care of me, but now ~ where am I going from here??
Letting go, IMO, is a constant thing. A friend gave me a rock to keep on my bay window by my sink. It has a smiley face on one side and "Let go, Let God" on the other. In my car I have the Serenity prayer on a sticker on my dashboard. Little reminders help me - and I also try to remember where I was back then....to remind me where I am now.
Haven't been to NA for quite a while. I used to go a lot with my AH - but I feel like he still needs to find his own recovery before I feel good enough to share that with him again. I really do enjoy NA when I do go, however, and admire those people in the rooms who are doing it every day.
At this point I need alanon for me because they help keep me centered on me and the ES&H there helps to remind me of my recovery and things I can do to keep taking those steps forward. Good for you though, going to both and getting what you can from each of them.
So, Jerect, to answer your question...maybe it's a little of both. Everyone can have down times....in recovery or not I think. Do you think there is anything else you can do to kick start your recovery again? Are you doing things for yourself besides the meditation? Things away from your AH and away from the daily stresses? It sounds like your fears are really getting the best of you right now. Can you think of ways to work on releasing those? Are you journaling about them? Lots of questions, I'm just brainstorming.......
Sorry If I'm rambling....I've been sick and feeling a bit dizzy.....going to bed now.
Take it easy, you ARE making progress. This too shall pass.
Actually, yes, and I was just sharing about this last week at my meeting (alanon) and it reminds me of that "few steps forward, one step back" kind of thing.....how we can make progress and then slip a little here and there. I think the important thing to keep our eyes on is the overall progress, which isn't always easy to do. More importantly, I need to keep taking those steps forward, however small.
I feel like I'm at a stand still. Like, OK, I've come this far....enforcing my boundaries, letting go, taking care of me, but now ~ where am I going from here??
Letting go, IMO, is a constant thing. A friend gave me a rock to keep on my bay window by my sink. It has a smiley face on one side and "Let go, Let God" on the other. In my car I have the Serenity prayer on a sticker on my dashboard. Little reminders help me - and I also try to remember where I was back then....to remind me where I am now.
Haven't been to NA for quite a while. I used to go a lot with my AH - but I feel like he still needs to find his own recovery before I feel good enough to share that with him again. I really do enjoy NA when I do go, however, and admire those people in the rooms who are doing it every day.
At this point I need alanon for me because they help keep me centered on me and the ES&H there helps to remind me of my recovery and things I can do to keep taking those steps forward. Good for you though, going to both and getting what you can from each of them.
So, Jerect, to answer your question...maybe it's a little of both. Everyone can have down times....in recovery or not I think. Do you think there is anything else you can do to kick start your recovery again? Are you doing things for yourself besides the meditation? Things away from your AH and away from the daily stresses? It sounds like your fears are really getting the best of you right now. Can you think of ways to work on releasing those? Are you journaling about them? Lots of questions, I'm just brainstorming.......
Sorry If I'm rambling....I've been sick and feeling a bit dizzy.....going to bed now.
Take it easy, you ARE making progress. This too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Yup, been there, done that. I have an anxiety disorder that got the best of me over Christmas. Did not feel like I was working my program very well. Another lady at my meeting was having a similar problem with the blahs. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and the bad times have lifted. Now if spring would just get here in Northeast Michigan
Just keep taking care of yourself, jerect. I, too, suffered from an eating disorder until I had my daughter when I was 33. My daughter is bulimic and a binge eater and so now I watch her struggle. Prayers and hugs, Marle
Just keep taking care of yourself, jerect. I, too, suffered from an eating disorder until I had my daughter when I was 33. My daughter is bulimic and a binge eater and so now I watch her struggle. Prayers and hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Jerect)))) I too understand that feeling of feeling stagnant in recovery. You may feel that way, but please know that I seek out your posts because I always gain something from what you share. I've watched you grow in recovery since you first came here - I think sometimes it is hard to see our own growth.
I found the second year of my recovery to be rather quiet and at times I felt stuck. In the first year, there was so much going on - so many things that changed, such a dramatic difference between the me that was panicky and not sleeping or eating -physically, spiritually and emotionally sick, and the person who became able to make it through each day, learned to look forward to each day, connected with a higher power and even laughed sometimes. In my second year, I think my growth was less obvious, at least to me, but as I look back I realize part of it was that the tools I acquired were starting to become habit so my life wasn't a constant roller coaster where I dropped way down in order to spring back up.
I'm really glad you are working your program for your eating disorder. You are such a beautiful soul and I know you will get through this rough patch and emerge even stronger. Whether NA or Alanon or Coda or SR or something else, I believe the key is to keep taking those baby steps, because they do bring us to a better place.
I found the second year of my recovery to be rather quiet and at times I felt stuck. In the first year, there was so much going on - so many things that changed, such a dramatic difference between the me that was panicky and not sleeping or eating -physically, spiritually and emotionally sick, and the person who became able to make it through each day, learned to look forward to each day, connected with a higher power and even laughed sometimes. In my second year, I think my growth was less obvious, at least to me, but as I look back I realize part of it was that the tools I acquired were starting to become habit so my life wasn't a constant roller coaster where I dropped way down in order to spring back up.
I'm really glad you are working your program for your eating disorder. You are such a beautiful soul and I know you will get through this rough patch and emerge even stronger. Whether NA or Alanon or Coda or SR or something else, I believe the key is to keep taking those baby steps, because they do bring us to a better place.
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Thanks You guys for reassuring me that I am not crazy 
Y'all are the best
I did something tonight that I haven't done in a really long time... since I was feeling spiritually and emotionally disconnected from myself and my HP, I felt the best thing I could do to restore some of that serenity and connection was to go to church.. I was nervous at first because I haven't been since last summer and it seems like the only time I attend is when I'm in the midst of some crisis.
And so I went to church and I'm so glad that I did because I did find the peace that I was seeking.. I felt really good for a change this evening, no anxiety, no worries of tomorrow.. I'm in a much better place then I was this afternoon. I think I'm going to make this a regular habit.. I can't think of a better time to start attending then at Easter time.. a time of rebirth in so many ways
It's comforting to know that others here have faced the same demons I'm facing.. I think I'm finally getting that recovery is not a destination but a life long journey of hills and valley's, of slips and falls and not one day of recovery will ever be perfect..
Y'all are the bestI did something tonight that I haven't done in a really long time... since I was feeling spiritually and emotionally disconnected from myself and my HP, I felt the best thing I could do to restore some of that serenity and connection was to go to church.. I was nervous at first because I haven't been since last summer and it seems like the only time I attend is when I'm in the midst of some crisis.
And so I went to church and I'm so glad that I did because I did find the peace that I was seeking.. I felt really good for a change this evening, no anxiety, no worries of tomorrow.. I'm in a much better place then I was this afternoon. I think I'm going to make this a regular habit.. I can't think of a better time to start attending then at Easter time.. a time of rebirth in so many ways
It's comforting to know that others here have faced the same demons I'm facing.. I think I'm finally getting that recovery is not a destination but a life long journey of hills and valley's, of slips and falls and not one day of recovery will ever be perfect..
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
And so I went to church and I'm so glad that I did because I did find the peace that I was seeking.. I felt really good for a change this evening, no anxiety, no worries of tomorrow.. I'm in a much better place then I was this afternoon. I think I'm going to make this a regular habit.. I can't think of a better time to start attending then at Easter time.. a time of rebirth in so many ways
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