Language of Letting Go - April 4 - Negotiating Conflict
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Language of Letting Go - April 4 - Negotiating Conflict
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Negotiating Conflicts
Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
--Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work -- problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Negotiating Conflicts
Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
--Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work -- problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions.
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Ann, Thank you for this reading. Seems lately I have had a real hard time with this issue. I, too, tend to be emotional, and I do know that to tackle a problem at this time would not be beneficial to anyone. My problem at the moment is with boundaries, and that I can't seem to speak up about them, don't want to start an argument. I have always been someone who steps away from confrontation. I let the little things build inside, then blow at the smallest irration, usually at the wrong person.
Right now, my AD (4+ mos clean) is living with us yet AGAIN. I feel she should help around the house, not just take care of her baby. I feel afraid (there I said it) that if I make a big deal about it, that she'll run right back to her abusive H, and/or start using again.
I need to learn how to deal with my unresolved conflicts.
Thanks,
Chris
Right now, my AD (4+ mos clean) is living with us yet AGAIN. I feel she should help around the house, not just take care of her baby. I feel afraid (there I said it) that if I make a big deal about it, that she'll run right back to her abusive H, and/or start using again.
I need to learn how to deal with my unresolved conflicts.
Thanks,
Chris
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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I feel afraid (there I said it) that if I make a big deal about it, that she'll run right back to her abusive H, and/or start using again.
Chris...I really relate to what you said...I remember well having those types of feelings. Sometimes I had to break it down to smaller pieces (such as ask nicely for a specific task to be done in the day and if it wasn't, I had to work hard to not react with judgment and emotion, but by stating without emotion...something like "You agreed to x and it didn't happen...Could you explain why") I tried to relate it to how I would handle a conversation with an employee who did not perform an assigned task...detached from guilt invoking emotional response, I guess.
It helped me to remember that working early recovery was a tough job too so if I provided a clear, specific request rather than a general "I sure wish you would be helpful" statement, it worked better for both of us. Hugs.
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That's me too...And when it is help around the house, I always felt resentment because for heaven's sake they should know that the dishes need to be washed, or the lawn mowed, or the laundry done or whatever. And even when I asked, sometimes it didn't happen - or at least not in my time or how I wanted it done. So I would stew and feel yuck which it impacted no one but me.
It bugged me most with my husband, my girls, when they were home did help out some. But my husband...anther story (only son of very traditional italian family = rarely lifted a finger and I let him get away with it for far too long) I tried just not doing certain things to "make" him do it, but it just didn't get done and that drove me nuts. So I figured out that the things that mattered to me didn't matter to him at all, and I thought about what mattered to him. Food and clean clothes. So I stopped cooking and doing his laundry...Guess who does it now?
It may not be a textbook way to address the situation, but it works for me at least for today.
It bugged me most with my husband, my girls, when they were home did help out some. But my husband...anther story (only son of very traditional italian family = rarely lifted a finger and I let him get away with it for far too long) I tried just not doing certain things to "make" him do it, but it just didn't get done and that drove me nuts. So I figured out that the things that mattered to me didn't matter to him at all, and I thought about what mattered to him. Food and clean clothes. So I stopped cooking and doing his laundry...Guess who does it now?
It may not be a textbook way to address the situation, but it works for me at least for today.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
I too have a very hard time negotiating things. I get all wound up inside but my fear of rocking the boat gets in the way of me negotiating what could be a mutual agreement. Or I blow up and say things that are better left unsaid.
Serenity- I think we should have our daughters moving in together, take care of their kids, AND THEY CAN NEGOTIATE WHO IS GOING TO CLEAN THE HOUSE. (LOL)
Gotahavfaith
Serenity- I think we should have our daughters moving in together, take care of their kids, AND THEY CAN NEGOTIATE WHO IS GOING TO CLEAN THE HOUSE. (LOL)
Gotahavfaith
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Greet, we must be twins separated at birth. I too got tired of all the housework and cooking...especially when I had worked more than 30 years.
Today, after some brief negotiation, lol, we go out or order in more and I have a cleaning service once a week. The rest we share.
Hugs
Today, after some brief negotiation, lol, we go out or order in more and I have a cleaning service once a week. The rest we share.
Hugs
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