orviske

I have been playing phone tag with XABF for the past few days---to my surprise he called twice in one week. I'm beginning to think something is very wrong!

It's awkward when we talk now. He asks about the baby, and tells me about how his son is doing, and we talk about our families. I feel like I have to keep talking in hopes that maybe just maybe today will be the day that he tells me that he can't live without me, that he's jumping in his car at the end of the lease in May to be with us....even though I KNOW this is not what I really want. I want the man, but not his disease.


Lastnight we were on the phone and he tells me that he is at home alone, trying to save money. He sounds drunk, but I can't be sure. Tells me he just lit a cigarette, and then mistakenly lit another one. He tells me for the fifth time that he changed the routing on the power bill so I won't get it anymore---even though it's in my name.

It's April 3rd, rent was due on the 1st. Of course he doesn't have it. He has about $300 of the $700. I don't know about y'all, but I think that's the first thing I made sure I had was a roof over my head. He said all the other bills were paid, and that's what he does. He has a grace period until the 4th, and then he has to pay another $75.

I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all of this. A bit ago I decided that I wasn't wasting anymore time or energy on loving him. That I had a little girl to love....that she is completely DESERVING of my love. It is so so so so hard to let go, even from 1700 miles away. It's four days shy of being six months since I left---and even though I'm sure I did the right thing, you would think that I would be over this guy by now. I mean really. It feels so good not to have the financial nightmares, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse and flying objects toward my body.....but I still miss him.

Please tell me the hardest part is the first six months. I could deal with that.

K

Barbara52

There is no time table unfortunately but you will get there. {hugs}

LaTeeDa

Listening to his sob stories and engaging the "poor me" part of him will only prolong the pain. I had to make myself a boundary that I would only discuss the children and the logistics of visitation. (Sounds like visitation is even less of an issue for you.) Whenever the conversation would veer off into his pity parties, or our (lack of) relationship, I would politely but decisively end the conversation. "I have to go now" became my favorite phrase. After a while, he figured out that I did not want to discuss his problems or "us" and kept the conversation about the kids.

It was a difficult boundary to enforce, but the peace I gained was well worth it. And I'm sure it saved me a lot of self-induced suffering.

L

TakingCharge999

Hi orviske. Its been 6 months already, too. I feel your pain.
My only advice is for you to keep feeling your feelings, and working on your relation with HP.
I know I cannot handle my overwhelming emotions alone.

GiveLove

K,

It's not the disease that is too lazy to pay his own house payment, it's the man.
It's not the disease that doesn't even want to see his own daughter, it's the man.
It's not the disease that made him neglect his own son, it was the man.
It's not the disease that abused you most of the time, it was the man.

Counseling helped me to understand why I continued to "love" someone who was dishonorable, disrespectful, and treated me like dirt. Blaming it on his alcoholism is misguided: he's just a lousy person. But like you, I stuck a big "love" label on it and defended my right to "love" someone who damaged me.

I'm really concerned that you may choose to leap at the chance to go back to him if he just says the right words.

Because then THE MAN will treat your daughter this way too. Because that's the kind of man he is.

If you can look at that sweet little girl and still entertain thoughts that you'd pack her up and drag her into the hell you escaped, then there's probably nothing much we can say here that will save her. I hope you don't, but it's not my choice.

Counseling might help you learn why you still hurt -- what's missing from your current life that you might be able to find in healthier ways. Ways that don't involve going back to a life that was horrible to say the least, to a man who neither respects nor cares for anyone but himself.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

naive

gee k, that sounds just like my ABF! like you, my priority is always to try to keep the roof over our heads, but it's not theirs. see, they know that it takes 3 months or so to be evicted. so to them, the rent is due in 3 months, not overdue 3 days.

so, rather than pay the rent, they can buy more drink and cigarettes today! as for the pending eviction, that, they can put off until it becomes an issue. and then, perhaps, if they give someone their pity story and sad eyes, someone will bail them out or cut them a break.

mine has actually said he hopes he gets evicted, so that it will motivate him to move nearer his children. i can never understand this type of logic. to me, it's just crazy.

naive

k,

i'm wondering why the power bill is still in your name? if he rerouted this to his address, doesn't that mean that if he doesn't pay it, you are still liable?

naive

Barbara52

Good point. Is your name on the lease? If so aren't they going to come after you if its not paid? Same for the utilities and any other joint bills.