dorton

my 20yo AS was set to graduated from rehab one week from today. we got a call this a.m. saying he had been suspended for 2 weeks because he was caught in a locked coloset kissing a girl (against the rules of course) the options were to put him on a bus and send him home and they would take him back in 2 weeks or take him to a homeless shelter. i said homeless shelter because i had already told him that if he got kicked out for any reason he could not come back home. i was trying to do the tough love thing my husband was right there and said yes to that plan. once we got off the phone he tells me that he doesn't think this was the right thing to do but he refused to call back and tell them to do something else with him he said our son would kill himself, go back to drugs, etc i am sorry but i cant listent o that right now. anyway my husband just left saying he was driving to fla. to get our son don't know if he will get part of the way and change his mind or what but i am at such a loss right now did i do the right thing in saying take him to a homeless shelter or did i just sign my sons death warrent and if i did how will i ever be able to live with myself i can barely do it just knowing i said take him to a shelter. i know this doesn't make a lot of sence if you can even read it but i am so in need of prayer right now.

Taking5

First of all, you did not sign your son's death warrant. Even if God forbid, he is suicidal and acts on it, it is not your fault.

Many people here will tell you that tough love is what saved them. Your son in young yet and he can make it through this. I do believe you and you H need to be united on how to handle things though.

Keep posting, there is a lot of great support and life experience here.

lauren

When we keep interfering with their recovery and keep making
things happen the way we want to see the outcome..it prolongs
their bottom of being responsible and helping themselves.

I know that you are scared..that is natural for goodness sake, and
as to this being your fault..always remember we are "of god" not "god.

When your husband calls you, reflect that your decision was a good
decision and that you are not making your sons choices..he already
did by going against the rules..so now the consequences belong to
him.

We are not always on the same page with our husbands, develop
a new relationship with the person that wants help and that being
your hubby, he is just as scared and fearful, hence the rescue mission.

Come together as a couple and stand fast together this is what you
both need right now..be strong.

lauren

Done_With_It

Oh gosh sweetie..... Your son is responsible for his own actions.

If you keep bailing him out that is saying that you do not trust him
or think that he is capable" of running his own life. By sending him
to a homeless shelter you are telling him that he has consequences
for him actions. You are not saying Go Kill Yourself.....

That is wrong of your husband to put that on you. He is just not in the
same place of understanding as you.
Try not to take what your husband says personally, instead maybe
try and understand what he is thinking. If you understand him first,
then it makes things clearer.

He is acting based on fear. You are taking on his fear.

See how this cycle of drugs is??

The drugs hit your son and affect him and his life, he makes bad choices
that spill out onto whoever takes them.

You and your husband are taking in his bad choices and letting them, turn your lives upside down, your are now not communicating, not understanding
each other, thinking irrational thoughts.

Sit back, take some deep breaths, you are the parents and he is the child.
Take back your control. You know in your heart you did the right thing.

When you talk to your husband next, maybe start by saying I understand what you are saying/feeling. And go from there, if you let him explain his fears, get them out, maybe you will have a better chance of explaining where you are coming from.
Maybe you have, I don't know, just a thought.

Just my 2 cents.
I think you did the thing though, if you take him in now, what is to
stop him from doing this again next time.
Good ol Mom and Dad will fix it for me.

7 Minutes in Heaven was something you do in jr. high not rehab.
That is really pushing it.


:ghug3

NeedingHelp7

((((((dorton)))))) Huggs and prayers.

winnie12

you know if he had been in a 9 month program and got caught kissing a girl then i may have had some sympathy for him but he's only been there a month right? when its short term rehab i think its even more important to practice tough love.

Just because you're married doesnt mean you are always going to agree with each other - sometimes we have to have enough respect for ourselves and our spouse to just agree to disagree. Trying to convince your husband of something that he's not ready to learn may just put a lot of stress on your marriage and make all of this harder. At least your son knows that one of his parents isnt going to coddle him anymore.

dorton

I do understand where he is coming from right now he is acting on fear. it is the same fear that i feel we just cant seem to agree on how to handle the fear and i don't know how to talk to him about it. do all couples go through this in dealing with addicted kids, i know he is 20 and an adult but he his still my kid no matter how old he is

dorton

he has been there since Jan 25th

Serenity Bound

(((Dorton)))

First, you did the right thing.

Second, I agree with both Lauren&Done. Your AS has to take on the consequences of HIS actions. His actions are NOT your's to fix. I also agree that you & hubby need to calmly talk & get on the same page. It seems your hubby's reactions are due to fear.
I've personally done the same, it's not easy to Let Go & Let God, but it is certainly the better way.

Sending you hugs & prayers,
Chris

I can only answer for myself, but my H & I have not always been on the same page at all, and it really can make an already difficult situation even worse.

winnie12

living with an addicted person is very stressful on a family and can destroy a marriage. I dont know if my son's addiction is why my husband left but i do think it was a contributing factor - we didnt know he was an addict at the time but it was very volitile in my home and my husband just couldnt handle it, so he split and left me to deal with it alone - he had the opposite reaction to your husband. You should seek your own counseling together - come up with a plan on how the two of you will deal with the problems together - divided you are weak but together you are strong. Your husband may just need to learn some things before he gets to the stage you are at. One way or another i think you need to be on the same team - the one that helps your son in ways that dont enable him. Try to remember that you've made mistakes too - that you've enable your son in the past and be gentle with your husband while he learns these lessons too.

NeedingHelp7

Maybe he needs to see the walls of a homeless shelter for a few weeks, so he can see where he may land if he doesn't do what he's supposed to do. It may be an eye-opener for him.... hoping for the best dorton.

Done_With_It

Of course he is your kid, he'll always be your baby. My mom is the same way with me. I would have never made it without her.


What would you want or need if you were in this position do you think?
If you were addicted to drugs and not seeing "where you were".

If someone was trying to help you, say your husband and your son,
and they so badly wanted you to see what they could see but you could not.

Would you want them to bring you home and try and force you to see what they can see? "Make you see it" You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Or would you want them to let you do what you need to do, love you and be there for you as much as they could, but let you find your water when you got thirsty enough to drink.

Maybe try explaining something like that to your husband.
You can't control your baby boy anymore, you have to love him
enough to let him be who he is.

If my Mom could control me I would not be living in Hollywood right now,
I would be living right across the street from her.

I guarantee you that.

Freedom1990

It's hard not to immediately react to fear. I've certainly had my share of dealing with it.

Fear is absence of faith. I try hard to remember that I can't worry and pray at the same time.

You made it clear to your son that if he got kicked out for whatever reason, coming home wasn't an option, and you stuck to your guns. You did the right thing.

Hopefully your husband will rethink his decision and turn around to come home.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

MrsMagoo

Hi. Just want you to know that I'm praying for a good outcome. These ladies here at SR really know what they are talking about even though it is difficult to hear and more difficult to implement but they are right on target every time.

I wish you the best of luck and lots of strength during this scary time. I think your initial boundaries were great but now your husband is sending mixed messages.

dorton

Well he is sitting in a mission waiting for a bed. I called the mission jsut wanting to make sure he was there and not on the street and he was sitting with the guy who answered the phone so he just handed him the phone and I talked to him he just sounded kind of mad but not furious/ he still expects us to come rescue him. wanted to know if he really was going to have to stay there for 2 weeks i asked him waht he thought and he didn't have an answer. I didn't really want to talk to him just to have them tell me he was there and they had a bed for him, so much for that plan. the mission he is at has shelter beds which can be used for a couple nights and they have program beds where you have to agree to go through the 12 stwp pragram, work go to meetings etc. in order to stay you have to agree to do the program i asked him if he would agree to the program he said no.
his dad is still on his way says he had no intention of bringing him home just staying a hotel with him for the 2 weeks. i didnn't make any promises to my son because i really didn't know what to tell him. i don't want to tell him one thing and have his dad turn around and do something else. i am so confused right now i don't know what to even think. he at least did admit to what he had done which is new but said he didn't know why he did it (yea right!!!!!!) thank you for all your support and please keep it coming!

suki44883

I think he'd be better off at the mission. Sitting in a hotel isn't doing anything for his recovery. JMHO.

lagrutke

I know it is very tough. The best thing my husband and I did immediately after finding out our son had a drug problem was to go to counseling together. We go to an anger and addiction counselor. It has been very helpful. Things are still quite tough, but I firmly believe we would not still be married if not for the counseling. We are learning how not to enable. As a team, you are only as strong as your weakest link. We take turns being the weakest link but our chain has not broken and is getting stronger every day.

Freedom1990

I agree. I hope your husband talks to you again before he gets there. Putting your son up in a hotel is only going to teach him that bad behavior gets him rewarded. Ugh.

dorton

I think the mission is the best option also. But part of me thinks if both of them can stay in a hotel room for 2 weeks without killing each other then some of the crap my son is holding in just might come out which would also be a good thing. I have told my husband I think we have to stop rescuing him but he didn't say he was coming home so I really don't know.

Freedom1990

I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry you're caught in the middle of this thing, with your husband taking off like he did. What a position to be in. :ghug :ghug