Father is an ahcoholic - When do I stop helping?!

Old 04-03-2009, 07:17 AM
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Father is an ahcoholic - When do I stop helping?!

need to know when I need to give up on my father. I am 27 years old and my father is a grown man (57). My mother is not in the picture and my father has raised me by his self since I was 10. Ever since I can remember my father has been an alcoholic. When I was young he would work and provide clothes and food on the table but drank every day about a pint or more. Go to work drunk. He had no control over me because he was not the father he should have been, I did what I wanted. I was taken away from him at a point due to his drinking and I was uncontrollable. He went into rehab when I was about 17 (his work made him) and he was good for a year or two and then started to drink all of the time. For as long as I can remember we never got along cause of his drinking but I love him dearly, he is my only parent. We learned to get along even though he drank. Over the past few years his drinking and drug use has became ridiculous. In 2008 he was drinking so bad I took time off of work and tried to help him, he went into rehab 3-4 times last year. He will do good for a few weeks or a month or so and go right back to drinking. He uses excuses, im an alcoholic, my back hurts, im depressed, or the doctor diagnosed me bi-polar. You know the typical excuses. I'm so mad cause I helped him with rehab, visit him, helped him with his work, bills, car payments, Short term disability, etc. I was acting like a wife, I'm his child and have my own life. But I cant stop helping cause I love him. Well, at the end of 2008 he was drinking so bad and spending his money like crazy. He got a DUI/OWI, got fired from his job, lost his apartment and had no where to go. He lived in WI and I live in IL (a few years a go I moved here to start my own life). Me and my boyfriend drove to WI and helped him move all of his stuff to storage, I spoke to my mom, someone who I hardly speak to and asked if my dad could live with her for awhile till he got on his feet. She said yes but no drinking. Well, he messed that up and was drinking and lying about it. She kicked him out. Then he moved to my aunts house (his sister). Not a good move, she is an alcoholic and druggie herself and her husband. They don't work either. But he had no where to go. After he was there for awhile his drinking continued and I guess he spent like 400.00 on crack and pills. I knew he had to get out. Me and my boyfriend recently moved out together to start a life together. My boyfriend came up with idea to have my dad live with us so he can start fresh and new because we care. So, again I go to WI and help him move to IL with me. The agreement was NO DRINKING and FIND A JOB stop collecting unemployment. He has been here for 3 weeks now, no motivation and has been drinking this week. Me and my boyfriend are not comfortable going home to a place WE PAY FOR cause he drinks,he talks non sense, im a biker, and outlaw, I killed people, and how he wants to do drug deals. Well, me and my boyfriend had a bottle of vodka and gin in OUR BEDROOM HIDDEN away. Well yesterday we came home and he was drunk AGAIN - disrespecting our wishes. I was in my bedroom going through my drawers and guess what, HE WENT THROUGH OUR PERSONAL STUFF AND DRANK THE LIQUOR! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! My boyfriend is very livid. He doesn't want him there. To make things worse its tearing me and my boyfriend apart, we argue now. I want to let go of helping my dad and realize this is who he is. I'm 27 and need to worry of my own life at some point. But I feel bad if I stop helping. I have done everything I could. He is behind in his car and has a court date set cause Chrysler wants the car back. I will go over his finances with him and how much he gets for unemployment and show him what he needs to pay to get caught up, I even have him on a budget where I give him limited money. How much lower can you go in life, lose your job, house, live with your ex-wife, sister and now your daughter?!


Any suggestions? When do I stop helping? I want my own life back and live stress free.I want ot be married and have children, with this route of me always taken care of him and stressing, it will NEVER happen. I think he wants this lifestyle and will always be an alcoholic. Some people truly stay as alcoholic.
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:31 AM
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You can't fix him. Only he can fix himself.

He's a grown man, and if he's been in rehab several times then he has been given the tools to do what he needs to do. He knows he can walk into an AA meeting, walk into the Salvation Army, etc. He knows these things, but he doesn't do them because #1 he doesn't have to, you keep bailing him out and making it easy for him to continue down this path #2 he isn't ready to do what you think he needs to do.

Get on with your life lettc, and allow him the dignity of living his own - somewhere outside of your apartment of course.

Big hugs to you, I know it's so hard. But you simply cannot fix him and trying to will only destroy you also.
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:37 AM
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Would I be a horrible person if I kicked him out of my house after moving him here? He has no where to go. I'm scared if I kick him out he will end up dead by drinking or running his mouth and get into a fight or fall down the stairs when he is drunk. He is my only parent. But you are right, I need to stop bailing him out.

My boyfriends mother was an acholic and drug user. she always stole from him and did drugs. Lucky a friend of the family adopted him. When he was about 16 or so he let his mother go because she always drank and stopped then continued. He said it was hard but he had to let her go. After 5-6 years she finally contacted him and she was sober. My boyfriend doesn't talk to his dad at all cause of drugs and drinking to.

He even tells me to let him go and he did it with his mom. But his situation is different, a friend of the family at least adopted him and he like a father to fall back on.

If anything my dad can go to the salvation army and they can help him find a place to live.

I dont want anyone to despise me for this.

Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
You can't fix him. Only he can fix himself.

He's a grown man, and if he's been in rehab several times then he has been given the tools to do what he needs to do. He knows he can walk into an AA meeting, walk into the Salvation Army, etc. He knows these things, but he doesn't do them because #1 he doesn't have to, you keep bailing him out and making it easy for him to continue down this path #2 he isn't ready to do what you think he needs to do.

Get on with your life lettc, and allow him the dignity of living his own - somewhere outside of your apartment of course.

Big hugs to you, I know it's so hard. But you simply cannot fix him and trying to will only destroy you also.
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:48 AM
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A good slogan to remember: What other people think of me, is none of my business.

You have to do what you need to do, for your own life.

You are NOT a horrible person for having taken your Dad in, just misguided You will NOT be a horrible person for kicking him out! He is an adult. You're right that this situation is different than your boyfriends, you boyfriend was a kid, your Dad is not.

If it makes you feel better, give your Dad a list of local AA meetings and times, and directions to the local Salvation Army.

Don't let your Dad's sickness ruin your life lettec, it's just so unecessary.

Look, your Dad needs the help of other addicts/alcoholics, you can't help him, you simply aren't qualified. Think of booting him out as a step closer to him figuring this out for himself (maybe).
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:50 AM
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If anything my dad can go to the salvation army and they can help him find a place to live.
There you go. You've done everything you can do.

Get him out of your home now. Release him with love.

:ghug :ghug :ghug
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:54 AM
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Thanks everyone. I will follow up with you after this weekend to let you know how it all went.
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:55 AM
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Take care of yourself lettec.
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Old 04-03-2009, 08:14 AM
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Also, I decided to go to Al-Anon meetings to help me cope with this! I told my boyfriend a few minutes ago and he offered to come with and support me. He said he could go to cause his mom and dad are alcholics and he still has alot of anger. I love him and he is so supportive!
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Old 04-03-2009, 08:38 AM
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In your message earlier you said:

I'm scared if I kick him out he will end up dead by drinking or running his mouth and get into a fight or fall down the stairs when he is drunk.

And if he stays, he won't do any of these things? Of course he will - and he will keep right on doing them as long as he continues to drink/use regardless of where he is living, or with whom, or under what circumstances - until he chooses differently.

It sounds like you have already done a lot for him and it hasn't done very much good. As much as you love him, you have to let him go and learn for himself. I know what it is like to be young and on your own with no parental figures to turn to - it is very, very hard. It is not worth your sanity or your safety to keep enabling him. Try contacting the local mental health department - they probably have some advice for you on where he can go.

As for you and your BF, Al-Anon is a great choice. They really know how to help you there. The first few meeting might seem a bit strange at first, but keep with it for a while and it all starts to make sense.

I will be thinking of you today.
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Old 04-03-2009, 01:45 PM
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lettec---K.I.S.S.--You will stop helping your father when you realize you can't help him.
:ghug3
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Old 04-03-2009, 03:50 PM
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Would I be a horrible person if I kicked him out of my house after moving him here?
No! He is an alcoholic and a drug addict the BEST thing you can do is STOP giving him a soft place to land.

He has no where to go. I'm scared if I kick him out he will end up dead by drinking or running his mouth and get into a fight or fall down the stairs when he is drunk.
He is a grown man who knows he has a problem and chooses to maintain his problems instead of find help and solutions. He has every right to live HIS life the way he chooses. If he chooses to drink and drug that is his choice. YOU have every RIGHT to keep alcoholics and addicts out of your home and away from sucking dry YOUR resources.

His illness can start to have a serious effect on your mental health and your financial well-being if you let it. Glad to hear you are going to AlAnon - that really turned my head around in relation to my alcoholic brothers. I was making myself cuckoo because of their problems with alcohol-- at AlAnon I learned how to just step off of their side of the street and get back on my own where I belong!!!

If he falls down drunk, or sadly dies it is not your fault. You are simply not that powerful to make him change nor to hasten his demise. He is the one choosing what will happen to him.

He is my only parent.
And if he was a sane and sober parent he would advise you not to sacrifice your mental health and your plans and your happiness for his insanity. You don't have to give up on him - but you do have to "let go" or be dragged!!

You can give him a ride to a shelter and the number to AA and tell him you love him but YOU can't help him anymore. There are many people at AA who have walked in his shoes who can help him with his problem. You're not a recovered alcoholic so you can't help him get and maintain sobriety - and he has to choose recovery himself. You can continue to love him from afar and send him loving messages.

I need to stop bailing him out.
I agree 100%.

Good luck - glad you found this place - stick around!!
peace-
b
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Old 04-06-2009, 05:52 AM
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Ok everyone, here is the update..

Friday, I didn't make it home on time for the meeting (I live about an hour and half away from work). Friday commute was bad!

Of course he was drunk. Saturday morning came and he came up stairs, still drunk from the night before. I found an apartment for rent. I told him to shower and sober up because you are getting this place and he is no longer welcomed in my home for disrespecting it. We grabbed an application for the apartment. And at that time I told him since he didnt have the apartment yet he would need to stay at a hotel and not our house. In the mean time he kept asking for me stop buy him a bottle, of course I kept saying no. I was hungry so I needed to eat, he ate to. The hardest part to watching him eat was his shaking non stop, his head was shaking and hands so bad. I started to get so disgusted and started to complain on his drinking and the familes drinkin, etc. he kind of stopped eating and said he lost his appetite. You know what, I didn't care.

So, I give him some of his money and I go get him a hotel a few miles down the road from my house.

Later in the night my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to order him a pizza just so he can eat.. The delivery person called to make sure they were at the right place because the person was drunk. We say yes..

On Sunday in the morning I get a call from him.. He's in the hospital, he tried to say he got into a fight at the hotel and they took him to the hospital. Didn't make sense.. Me and my boyfriend go to the hotel to figure out what really happened. Come to find out her was so drunk and he was talking crap to everyone and walking down all the halls starting stuff so they called the cops.

Anyways, I spoke to the nurse at the hospital and said his BAC was 0.44!! And they wont possibly release him until today..

So, what I'm going to do is give him majority of his money and give him the choice what he wants to do with it.
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Old 04-06-2009, 06:16 AM
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i'm so sorry for what you are going through, lettec. i hope you and your boyfriend can get to that alanon meeting. and i will say prayers that your dad will find the help he needs.

you can't control the addiction. please find some peace today. and know that regardless of how it plays out for your father in the upcoming days - you are a wonderful and caring daughter.

hugs, k
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Old 04-06-2009, 07:37 AM
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So sorry, lettec. Sounds very similar to my older sister (in her 50's) who behaved similarly. Just know that you're doing the best you can. His life, his choices...hope for the best, but protect your own life first.
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Old 04-07-2009, 11:25 AM
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Ok, I just need to vent a bit here.

So I talked to my dad today. He said he now wants to move back to Milwaukee, WI. He said my aunt was right he wouldn't make it here for one month because me and my boyfriend are set in our ways. Um since when is telling someone not to drink in their household a horrible thing?! He also said if I can't accept him for who he is, he should go back and he has friends at least back home.

He also said he is tired of me treating him like a kid (no drinking) and he doesn't want to live by someone elses rules.

Then he got mad cause he spent all of this money to come here and he couldve stayed in Milw spending the same amount.

Well, Hello father.. if you didn't drink like a drunk in my house you wouldn't be in this situation.

Then he said he's worse off here by me because he can't act like an old 57 year old man! - (Um a 57 year old man would be working and have a home of their own).

Then he said hes worse off here because he didnt have a cell phone or directions any where.

Is he kidding me?! Shouldn't a 57 year old man be able to find his own directions? And find a walmart or meiejer and hook up a cell?! What he wanted me to continue to do all for him?!

He's acting like a 18 year old that lives in their parents house still but hes 57
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Old 04-07-2009, 11:30 AM
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Vent away.

That's what we call the alcoholic quacking (one of our lovely members always reminds me to picture the AFLAC duck quack quaack quaaaaacking whenever they do this ) Sometimes the BS is incredible, isn't it? "It's all your fault I screwed up my life!"

It's designed to make you feel bad, and if possible guilt-trip you into changing your choices so they are better for HIM.

I know it's miserable, lettec, but all the more reason for you to let him go back to wherever and continue to ruin his life the way he was before you let him move in with you. Sometimes this is the only way WE learn our lesson: let the alcoholic make their own choices, and don't save them from the repercussions of those choices. It doesn't do anyone any good.

Sending you hugs - you will get through this and be stronger on the other side, if you let yourself.
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Old 04-07-2009, 11:34 AM
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HAHA I SOO have to remember the AFLAC commercial on this one!

Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
Vent away.

That's what we call the alcoholic quacking (one of our lovely members always reminds me to picture the AFLAC duck quack quaack quaaaaacking whenever they do this ) Sometimes the BS is incredible, isn't it? "It's all your fault I screwed up my life!"

It's designed to make you feel bad, and if possible guilt-trip you into changing your choices so they are better for HIM.

I know it's miserable, lettec, but all the more reason for you to let him go back to wherever and continue to ruin his life the way he was before you let him move in with you. Sometimes this is the only way WE learn our lesson: let the alcoholic make their own choices, and don't save them from the repercussions of those choices. It doesn't do anyone any good.

Sending you hugs - you will get through this and be stronger on the other side, if you let yourself.
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:42 PM
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Sounds like he's quacking and hoping you fall for all the "poor litle me" stuff.

I so wanted to tell my 54 yr now xAH to grow up already and stop the whining! I never did but heck an adult can take care of themself.

Just let all the quacking go in one in ear and out the other. Its meaningless.
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:47 PM
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I did get that in at our last counseling session, when he was off on his "she disrespects me" meme.

"Act like a child, get treated like one"

Pretty sure I got a "you need to GROW UP" in there too.

Not helpful, I'm sure - but it did feel good.
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