Isaiah

So the worst part of screwing up yesterday is that I did so not even an hour after an AA meeting.

Much as I like and credit AA for doing me good, I've been finding that lately I'm only thinking about alcohol and drinking in the time around my AA meetings.

I don't know... I don't know...

I have a great support community where I am. I'm always attentive at meetings and I feel good going. Something buried in my subconscious just seems to want to spite myself. It's been building up for a long time. I should've said something about it sooner before I relapsed.

I am going to bring this up with my fellows, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to bring it up here too.

This is sort of a pattern in my life. When I do something that's good for me, there seems to be a point where if I put too much fuel into it, something backfires. I think I had more serenity and better sobriety a couple months ago when I was ignoring my recovery.

Anna

Hi Isaiah,

I hope you continue to work on your recovery.

One thing I can tell you is, I used to sabotage myself. When things were starting to go well and I'd been sober for a few days or a few weeks, I would sabotage my recovery. I think I was afraid of feeling good and afraid of succeeding. I didn't know where it would lead me. Believe that you deserve a good life!

grrrr

Hi Isaiah,
I have been going to therapy and learning a lot about the reasons I choose to drink/use. I can relate to feeling great the first couple months of not using, but then a lot of feelings came out once I wasn't pushing them down. I relapsed and realized I needed more help to get through this.
You definitely deserve the life you want without drinking. Keep changing the program until it sticks!
K

Missymae737

Hi Isaiah,

I have experienced the same issues you have...I believe that I relapsed because I just didn't believe I could remain sober for any length of time...I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol...Alcohol gave me bravery to tackle any problem...This was early in the disease...Then it all changed and the disease progressed into danger such as blackouts, arrest and finally becoming captive in my home...Drinking alone and drinking just to not feel sick was my life...

Keep trying, sobriety is possible...:ghug

You can do this...

CarolD

I consider I found solid recovery when I began
working my AA steps.

Good to know you quickly stopped again.

Tazman53

Isiaah one of the toughest things I had to learn to do in life in order to STAY sober was to eat HUMBLE pie!!!!

It used to be I would never ask for help, I would never dream of telling someone that "I am struggling." I was Super Man!!!!

When I reached the point where I was willing to do ANYTHING to STAY sober is when I started to ask for help the second I started to think a drink was a good idea instead of waiting until I was already half drunk and then decide "Gee...... maybe I should have called someone or went to a meeting before I had that first drink?"

Once I was willing to call someone or go to a meeting when I got feeling squirrely before I let that thought swirl around in my head telling myself "Oh yea, I can ride this out!!" is when I started to stay sober.

As long as a drink was more important then my pride I never stayed sober, once wanting to stay sober was bigger then my pride, I stayed sober.

Hang in there, do what you have to do.

shaun00

totally relate ..

Until i understood that the meetings are the fellowship..

And the twelve steps according to the big book are the program of recovery..

Only when i started working with a sponsor and the twelve steps did i remain sober....and as importantly...content being sober.

I can go to aa meetings all day long....meet loads of great people...drink loads of anxiety coffee....and talk of the solution....and get drunk.

If i dont follow that solution as outlined in the book.....i have no solution.

Have you started step work and got a sponsor..?

Worked and working for me.......

thats my experience my friend.........god be with you.....trucker

Isaiah

Yeah, I've been doing the steps with a sponsor (he's a long-distance sponsor; I'm still looking for the right person in my area to ask.)

Sobriety hasn't been particularly difficult in a normal, day-to-day, baseline way. I haven't been struggling much with it, even considering that my life is a star-sized ball of chaos at the moment. Fortunately I had a very, very short "drinking period" which makes it easier for me to do a normal routine than it is for a lot of people here. I'm absolutely convinced there is something extra that's psychological.

I'm working in intensive therapy too. Sobriety isn't the only factor in my life where the more I put into making positive efforts something in me is drawn to react negatively.

And humility is, at least at this time, not quite my issue. I didn't drink with the illusion that I could handle it, or that it would make me feel better. I drank for exactly the opposite reason: I felt bad so I thought I should be bad, that I am bad.

I just still don't know how exactly AA has come to be a trigger for me. If it's because I'm reliving my past experiences? If it's because I hear the word "alcohol" mentioned a hundred times? Or if I'm just pissed about something related to a bad meeting or some other unknown AA gripe that I'm passive-aggressively taking out on myself?

In a way, I'm kind of talking to myself here. But I appreciate all your replies and appreciate all of you.

KenL

It almost sounds like your sobriety is a burden for you. I hope that's not the case.

Isaiah

No, I just had other things on my mind with greater urgency. I wasn't thinking about alcohol, alcoholism or steps. I wasn't drinking either.

Then I decide to put things back into gear, to rededicate to keeping sober, started talking to my sponsor more, and then... well... :brick

gravity

I think that a big part of recovery is getting past the self-defeating thinking. Old behaviour patterns, self-sabotage, an "I always fail" mentality. It's all illusion.

Each day we grow and learn from our experiences. I am a different man than I was 15 months ago. My past does not predict my future.

It still blows me away when I think about my old beliefs. Despite the increasing damage to my life and to the lives of those close to me, alcohol was so bloody important and I just could not imagine living without it. All over beer for crying out loud! Unbelievable!

Today is a new day for all of us. We can get past the self-sabotage and move on.

adore79

Same here. With time I stop putting energy into staying sober and I end up drinking. Same thing with meds, once I start feeling better I tend not to take them. I've started reading the book 24 hours a day each morning and I repeat the days prayer over the course of the day. It helps keep me mindful of my priority to stay sober.

Rusty Zipper

isaiah dont stuff feelings any more isaiah, thats what helped get us in this jam in the first place...

for me, sitting in a AA chair was pointless, unless i changed what brought me to that chair also in the first place...

Me!

the steps, working them, and living them is working for me as of now...

i'm a AA'r, what i do know, even the Bog Book says its not for everyone...

perhaps, your one of the everyone...

just if you should try something else, work your ass off with it, and on it...

i do believe having a sponsor in the meetings one attends is all so important...

as they can hear what we say, or do not say...

good wishes isaiah!

zip

Wolfchild

It wasn't until i started working on Steps that i found out about such things like; secrets keeping me sick, reservations are excuses to use, and the ever popular, character defects. In living the Steps i have found that being self centered conflicts with my trying to live a spiritual way of life. How do i not act out on my self will? Abstinence. Gradually, the obsession and compulsion do constantly do things my way gets lifted. i gain a greater sense of freedom and peace within that nothing can touch or screw with. i move on each day in my recovery because i am eager to discover who i really am after all those years of distration and destruction.

It's a weird paradox that i had to become lost so i could find my way home. It would seem that you revisited some things you know never really worked for you in the past. If that can teach you anything then let it and keep coming back. We need you just as much as you need us!

mtnmagic

Isaiah - Thank you for starting this thread. I got something very important out of every single post.

I believe that I am bad, therefore I act bad. So true for me.

Self sabbotage as Anna suggested, well there I am again.

Grrr- So glad to see your post. I have started therapy also, for exactly the same reasons you wrote about. BTW it is good to "see" you. I think about you often.

Missy - I do that too. Don't really believe that I can stay sober, not really down deep. Yes, a captive in my own home, drinking to be ok...what a horrible life, isn't it? Don't want to do that anymore.

trucker - Thank you for reminding me that the solution is in the Big Book. I have been going to meetings, and read in the Big Book a bit. It's time to work those steps and not just depend on the fellowship to keep me sober.

Carol - Another reminder that the key is in the steps. Thank you!

Ken - Wow! I have to question myself. Is sobriety a burden or a gift today.
Need to focus on gratitude, because it really is a gift.

gravity - Self defeating thinking. I'm guilty as charged. But as you say, it is a brand new day.

Adore - I have a daily affirmation book. Your post reminded me to USE it everyday.

RZ - Yup it is all about change. Why is that so hard? Change is a constant.
I seem to fight it every step of the way.

OzSandy - Obviously I've held myself back. Result = Relapse every single time. I know this post sounds like it's all about me. I guess it is. FWIW -
this thread has opened my eyes a lot.

Wolfchild - Becoming so lost, my there I am again. Thanks for your post too.

Taz - So true. How about me shoving the pride and reaching for help BEFORE I am half in the bag. Pride, Pride and Ego. I have watched the transformation in your life through this forum. I joined in 2006 also. What a miracle you are.

I'm sorry if this post is self seeking. It just feels like some things clicked into place after reading it. I see I have a long way to go. None of you were speaking to me directly, yet your words of wisdom have really helped me.

Thank you so very much.

chris1959

When I finally got and stayed clean and sober it was when I realized that nothing, absolutely nothing in my life or this world was going to keep me sober.
When the meetings were over and everybody went home. When the sun went down and the golf course was closed. When I was sick of playing my guitar and writing music. When the phone and the Books weighed 500 lbs. I was alone with myself! And that which is between my ears is a scary neighborhood.

You see I would drink my world away, then get sober and build it up again because I'm a survivor and wicked smart. Only to tear it all down and give it all away once again for a mere drink or drug. Why? I would ask myself this question over and over again.
I was a regular AA guru but I couldn't stay sober. I knew the book inside and out, but only used it for a coaster.
Why? Because I believed there was no power greater than myself! I was the center of my universe. I was the master of my domain!
My motives for building my world back up were all wrong. Things that I thought were important were selfseeking and self-centered. I was trying to live by self-propulsion. I can do this, heres how! Then be board once again.

My sponsor always says, "Step one is step one because it's step one!" I used to want to punch him in the face!
Pain and suffering was my motivator. I was not ready to surrender my will and my life untill I was beaten to near death.That is why it is step one! That is why it was hard and scary. You're talking about a man of my caliber saying uncle!
Which in the end leaves me with what? If I no longer have me and I may not believe in God, well, that's a pretty big void. A big black empty hole.
Admitting that I'm powerless and not knowing what is most important to maintain a good healthy life is a daily commitment even after 14 years.
I still do it one day at a time. The only difference is it is almost second nature but I still have to be careful not to get a fat head.
I can be many things in my life and I am. But first and most important I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. Recoverying from a hopeless state of mind and body.
I don't like the word recovered, I think it's arogant. However, recoverying to me is a life long exploration of self, a decision on a daily basis to try and figure out how to keep my will and my life in the hands of a power greater than myself. Does it matter what that power is? As long as it ain't me!

Eidetic

I can relate to AA meetings making you want to drink. There are a couple meetings I don't go to anymore, just because they ALWAYS made me want to drink. While there's obviously something in my sub-conscious and it's probably not just the meeting that made me want to drink, why go to a meeting that affects you like that? Have you tried mixing up your meetings and trying a different one?

Isaiah

Well, I guess there are still plenty of days ahead to figure this out.

I'm starting a new therapy that I'm excited about. It's supposed to help keep one's head and emotions more focused, which is what I need. I have a bad tendency to get wrapped up in a feeling and lose my mind utterly. Which is bad for sobriety because if I get to feeling self-destructive then I lose all my motivation to even want to be sober or feel good (even temporarily, in alcohol.)

I think I'll be begging for tips from the AA tables on ways to establish a good routine. I'm pretty good with routines.