Am I just being controlling?
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Am I just being controlling?
I get so angry at times I dont know if I'm being objective in the heat of the moment, so some advice or comments would be appreciated:
My partner is 28 and I'm 26, we have only been together a few months and we live together (I'll admit we're still in that stupidly obsessively in love phase). I'll spare the gushy details but we're a pretty happy couple - it's been a long time since I met anyone I had so much fun with, or such a great connection with, and normally he's fun and comforting and great company. We originally met on the internet and he moved a long way and gave up his job, friends and family to be with me, but before he came here he failed to mention that he has a drinking problem to the extent that he's been in rehab twice (in fact, he even lied to his parents and told them he was moving here to go to rehab so they would pay for his relocation).
He doesnt drink every day, I would say its about 4 days a week. However, when he does, it's to extremes. He's incapable of 'just having a few' - he'll start by drinking at home until he's drunk, then he invariably goes out to the first bar/club he can find where he'll drink with strangers until he's spent all his money. He'll crawl in the door usually between 4 and 7am, usually incapable of talking or walking straight, will often spend a bit of time throwing up, then come to bed and sleep until late the next day, get up again and drink again (to 'cure' his hangover).
I used to also be quite a heavy drinker and figured we could go out drinking together but when we would go out he would behave so coldly and indifferently towards me (of course he's more than friendly to anyone else), and doesnt like having me around when he's out. Which is hurtful and confusing, considering how affectionate he is towards me when we're alone. So in an effort to maybe lead by example (and I also acknowledged I was drinking to excess), I quit drinking and haven't touched alcohol since. As he suffers from panic attacks and has had to borrow money from me due to the costs of his 'lifestyle', he also decided to quit. He lasted 4 days, then he had another "stressful day" and it started again.
His argument is that he's bored, lonely and stressed because he's struggling to find work, and as he has few friends here he's often reliant on me for company. When we argue about the drinking he tells me I'm being controlling and that he's an adult, can do what he wants, and doesnt need a new mother, etc. Is he right, am I just trying to control him?
Does he have a problem, or is it my issue?
Should I just let him drink?
Sometimes I think, 'should this really affect me?' and maybe I should just butt out. I mean, I'm glad he's got a social life and has other friends aside from me, but I just wish we could go out and do things together without him having to get blind drunk, like a normal couple. Every time he comes in drunk I feel so disgusted, I feel like I lose respect for him. I dont want to break up with him, but I get so frustrated and confused...
My partner is 28 and I'm 26, we have only been together a few months and we live together (I'll admit we're still in that stupidly obsessively in love phase). I'll spare the gushy details but we're a pretty happy couple - it's been a long time since I met anyone I had so much fun with, or such a great connection with, and normally he's fun and comforting and great company. We originally met on the internet and he moved a long way and gave up his job, friends and family to be with me, but before he came here he failed to mention that he has a drinking problem to the extent that he's been in rehab twice (in fact, he even lied to his parents and told them he was moving here to go to rehab so they would pay for his relocation).
He doesnt drink every day, I would say its about 4 days a week. However, when he does, it's to extremes. He's incapable of 'just having a few' - he'll start by drinking at home until he's drunk, then he invariably goes out to the first bar/club he can find where he'll drink with strangers until he's spent all his money. He'll crawl in the door usually between 4 and 7am, usually incapable of talking or walking straight, will often spend a bit of time throwing up, then come to bed and sleep until late the next day, get up again and drink again (to 'cure' his hangover).
I used to also be quite a heavy drinker and figured we could go out drinking together but when we would go out he would behave so coldly and indifferently towards me (of course he's more than friendly to anyone else), and doesnt like having me around when he's out. Which is hurtful and confusing, considering how affectionate he is towards me when we're alone. So in an effort to maybe lead by example (and I also acknowledged I was drinking to excess), I quit drinking and haven't touched alcohol since. As he suffers from panic attacks and has had to borrow money from me due to the costs of his 'lifestyle', he also decided to quit. He lasted 4 days, then he had another "stressful day" and it started again.
His argument is that he's bored, lonely and stressed because he's struggling to find work, and as he has few friends here he's often reliant on me for company. When we argue about the drinking he tells me I'm being controlling and that he's an adult, can do what he wants, and doesnt need a new mother, etc. Is he right, am I just trying to control him?
Does he have a problem, or is it my issue?
Should I just let him drink?
Sometimes I think, 'should this really affect me?' and maybe I should just butt out. I mean, I'm glad he's got a social life and has other friends aside from me, but I just wish we could go out and do things together without him having to get blind drunk, like a normal couple. Every time he comes in drunk I feel so disgusted, I feel like I lose respect for him. I dont want to break up with him, but I get so frustrated and confused...
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Welcome. I hope you find this place helpful. Keep reading and posting.
Let me give you my first impressions from what you have written:
You met on the internet. Fell in love. He lies to get the money to move in with you. He lies about some very important facts about his life, being an active alcholic. He has no job and doesn't sound like he looking either. Why should he? He has you to pay for everything. You've never met someone who's so much fun but what he's doing is using you to support his alcoholic life and abusing you while you are doing it. He manipulating you so that it seems you are the problem rather than his alcoholism and his choices.
He's right about being an adult and having the right to live as he's sees fit. That apparently is to sponge off you and get drunk. He's right that you are trying to control him. Something that never works. He is an adult with the right o make his own choices, good and bad. He is not a child who needs someone to tell him what to do. He knows he's an alcoholic and apparently is not interested in seeking recovery.
So the big question is, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want the life you have right now with no changes? You cannot change him, you cannot cure him, you cannot control him. You can decide if this is what you want going forward. Do you want to be used to support and enable his alcoholism? Do you want continued verbal abuse that may escalate to physical abuse at any time? Leave out your dreams for him or for you both as a couple. Deal in reality, in what is right now and assume that is what will be as you go through time. Is life with an active alcoholic what you want?
Let me give you my first impressions from what you have written:
You met on the internet. Fell in love. He lies to get the money to move in with you. He lies about some very important facts about his life, being an active alcholic. He has no job and doesn't sound like he looking either. Why should he? He has you to pay for everything. You've never met someone who's so much fun but what he's doing is using you to support his alcoholic life and abusing you while you are doing it. He manipulating you so that it seems you are the problem rather than his alcoholism and his choices.
He's right about being an adult and having the right to live as he's sees fit. That apparently is to sponge off you and get drunk. He's right that you are trying to control him. Something that never works. He is an adult with the right o make his own choices, good and bad. He is not a child who needs someone to tell him what to do. He knows he's an alcoholic and apparently is not interested in seeking recovery.
So the big question is, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want the life you have right now with no changes? You cannot change him, you cannot cure him, you cannot control him. You can decide if this is what you want going forward. Do you want to be used to support and enable his alcoholism? Do you want continued verbal abuse that may escalate to physical abuse at any time? Leave out your dreams for him or for you both as a couple. Deal in reality, in what is right now and assume that is what will be as you go through time. Is life with an active alcoholic what you want?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I hit my codependent bottom with 'internet love', seriously. There were all sorts of red flags that I neatly chose to ignore.
Now in looking back, I realize he was nothing more than a dry drunk the 15 months we were together. Once my saving account was drained, I had served my purpose of caring for his two pre-teen daughters for the month they had come to visit during the summer, and his creditors had started to catch up with him, out the door he went.
It was an expensive and painful lesson for me in more ways than one.
At the time I thought it was the worst thing that ever could have happened to me.
Now I see it was the lesson that I needed in order to hit a bottom and to start making the changes I needed to make in order to work through my codependency issues.
I no longer look for that knight in shining armor to rescue me because I always end up with some joker with a rusty bucket on his head!
I'll take care of myself, thank you very much!
Now in looking back, I realize he was nothing more than a dry drunk the 15 months we were together. Once my saving account was drained, I had served my purpose of caring for his two pre-teen daughters for the month they had come to visit during the summer, and his creditors had started to catch up with him, out the door he went.
It was an expensive and painful lesson for me in more ways than one.
At the time I thought it was the worst thing that ever could have happened to me.
Now I see it was the lesson that I needed in order to hit a bottom and to start making the changes I needed to make in order to work through my codependency issues.
I no longer look for that knight in shining armor to rescue me because I always end up with some joker with a rusty bucket on his head!
I'll take care of myself, thank you very much!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 10
It's really the first time he's been unemployed and so he burns through money and then repeatedly asks his parents for more. Then spends that pretty quickly. When he goes out I tell him "ask me for money tomorrow and you die!"
However I dont think he intentionally sponges off me, he seems slightly ashamed of it. not enough to stop drinking though. And he's genuinely trying to look for work, it's frustrating for both of us. I know I shouldnt be making excuses, I guess I really am afraid of facing reality: another potential disappointment.
However I dont think he intentionally sponges off me, he seems slightly ashamed of it. not enough to stop drinking though. And he's genuinely trying to look for work, it's frustrating for both of us. I know I shouldnt be making excuses, I guess I really am afraid of facing reality: another potential disappointment.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
My now xAH was fired from his job of 20+ years. Yes, it was very difficult for him. It would be for anyone. His reaction to being fired? Drink when he was conscious and sleep the rest of the time. He did this for 2 years before I finally realized he was was content to use me to support his habit. xAH has been unemployed for 4+ years now. He is still content to sponge off of others rather than get a job. Now is elderly mother is the one supporting and enabling him.
Yes, its difficult to find jobs right now. But they are out there. Might not be the job one wants but it would be a job.
He is intentionally sponging off you. He quit his job and moved in with you without haivng found a job before making such a drastic move. Those are intentional acts.
And you are intentially letting him sponge off you by giving him free housing and spending money. That is enabling his behaviors and choices. You can choose to stop doing it anytime you are ready to do so.
It is indeed hard to face reality, that a bad choice was made. It took me quite a while to admit to myself I had made a bad choice when I married now xAH. THat was a marriage that should never have taken place. But it was my own issues that led me to do so. Now at least that bad choice to marry led me to take a good look at myslef, why I did it and begin moving to a healthier, happier me.
Yes, its difficult to find jobs right now. But they are out there. Might not be the job one wants but it would be a job.
He is intentionally sponging off you. He quit his job and moved in with you without haivng found a job before making such a drastic move. Those are intentional acts.
And you are intentially letting him sponge off you by giving him free housing and spending money. That is enabling his behaviors and choices. You can choose to stop doing it anytime you are ready to do so.
It is indeed hard to face reality, that a bad choice was made. It took me quite a while to admit to myself I had made a bad choice when I married now xAH. THat was a marriage that should never have taken place. But it was my own issues that led me to do so. Now at least that bad choice to marry led me to take a good look at myslef, why I did it and begin moving to a healthier, happier me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
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I guess I may have to check those out, thanks for the suggestions.
I'm actually used to being independent of men, it was a case of me finally finding someone who I thought was a good match and I kindof breathed a sigh of relief of "finally, a man who doesn't suck!" (no offense guys, haha!) so I guess I really wanted to be in a relationship whether it was flawed or not. But I know, I am being co-dependent and it's pretty shameful for me.
Man, I sound like such a loser right now, ha!
I'm actually used to being independent of men, it was a case of me finally finding someone who I thought was a good match and I kindof breathed a sigh of relief of "finally, a man who doesn't suck!" (no offense guys, haha!) so I guess I really wanted to be in a relationship whether it was flawed or not. But I know, I am being co-dependent and it's pretty shameful for me.
Man, I sound like such a loser right now, ha!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Now don't go putting yourself down because you made a bad choice! You aren't a loser!. It isn't shameful! You are human!
We all make good and bad decisions. What matters is what we do when we realize we've made a mistake, not the mistake itself. {hugs}
We all make good and bad decisions. What matters is what we do when we realize we've made a mistake, not the mistake itself. {hugs}
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by lissyl 
I guess I may have to check those out, thanks for the suggestions.
I'm actually used to being independent of men, it was a case of me finally finding someone who I thought was a good match and I kindof breathed a sigh of relief of "finally, a man who doesn't suck!" (no offense guys, haha!) so I guess I really wanted to be in a relationship whether it was flawed or not. But I know, I am being co-dependent and it's pretty shameful for me.
Man, I sound like such a loser right now, ha!
I'm actually used to being independent of men, it was a case of me finally finding someone who I thought was a good match and I kindof breathed a sigh of relief of "finally, a man who doesn't suck!" (no offense guys, haha!) so I guess I really wanted to be in a relationship whether it was flawed or not. But I know, I am being co-dependent and it's pretty shameful for me.
Man, I sound like such a loser right now, ha!
Give yourself credit for reaching out! We all make mistakes! :ghug
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Originally Posted by lissyl
However I dont think he intentionally sponges off me, he seems slightly ashamed of it. not enough to stop drinking though. And he's genuinely trying to look for work, it's frustrating for both of us. I know I shouldnt be making excuses, I guess I really am afraid of facing reality: another potential disappointment.
But, the reality is, he drinks too much and cons you into paying for it. Doesn't matter what kind of a spin he puts on it, it is what it is.
L
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Lissy, wish I could say that this sounds like a relationship that's good for you. I did the same thing: got WAY involved with a man based on lies he told, and because he was the first decent person I'd found. I thought.
I was the cool girlfriend. The tolerant girlfriend. Bleh.
But lying, sponging off parents and you (remorse or not), getting drunk more than half the days of the week, showing up at 4am, puking, irresponsibility, and did I mention lying?.........you may get along great with the guy he is when he's sober, but it sounds like you are losing your soul in this relationship with a person who seems to have no moral compass whatsoever.
Hanging around here and going to Al-Anon meetings helped me with the concept of boundaries: As in, "This (insert behavior) is not something I'm willing to have in my life any more. This isn't negotiable. If you choose to (insert behavior) any more, then I'm going to have to cut you loose to do it on your own, because I choose not to live like this."
You are NOT being controlling - you are making decisions that are best for your life. You may have made a mistake getting in this deep this fast - but you probably woudn't have if you'd known then what you know now. When we are lied to, we base our 'love' on the lie.
He is just doing what alcoholics do. But you have a choice: You can stay in this ickyness, or you can tell him your boundaries, and if he crosses them he has to find his own apartment to puke in, and you'll see him when you feel like it. If you feel like it.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad you found us here. Lots of good people here, and they've been through it all with alcoholics.
I was the cool girlfriend. The tolerant girlfriend. Bleh.
But lying, sponging off parents and you (remorse or not), getting drunk more than half the days of the week, showing up at 4am, puking, irresponsibility, and did I mention lying?.........you may get along great with the guy he is when he's sober, but it sounds like you are losing your soul in this relationship with a person who seems to have no moral compass whatsoever.
Hanging around here and going to Al-Anon meetings helped me with the concept of boundaries: As in, "This (insert behavior) is not something I'm willing to have in my life any more. This isn't negotiable. If you choose to (insert behavior) any more, then I'm going to have to cut you loose to do it on your own, because I choose not to live like this."
You are NOT being controlling - you are making decisions that are best for your life. You may have made a mistake getting in this deep this fast - but you probably woudn't have if you'd known then what you know now. When we are lied to, we base our 'love' on the lie.
He is just doing what alcoholics do. But you have a choice: You can stay in this ickyness, or you can tell him your boundaries, and if he crosses them he has to find his own apartment to puke in, and you'll see him when you feel like it. If you feel like it.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad you found us here. Lots of good people here, and they've been through it all with alcoholics.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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((((hugs))) Many of us here have been through what you are going through. this is a great place for support.
Educate yourself about Alcoholism. It is a progressive disease. It gets worse!!! I REPEAT it gets WORSE! The only outcomes are recovery or death.
You can't love him sober. I know this sounds harsh, but you are too new into this relationship to get sucked into the Alcoholic cycle. Get out while you can.
You are already questioning things...right? What is the foundation of any good relationship?....trust. If your foundation is lies (parents, active alcoholism) it makes for a very shakey relationship. One that is bound to tumble soon.
I bet if you get out of this relationship, it won't be long before the RIGHT person comes along. God has a way of working these things out for us.
Keep posting
Oh just anther thought: Can you make a list of Pros and Cons of your relationship?
Educate yourself about Alcoholism. It is a progressive disease. It gets worse!!! I REPEAT it gets WORSE! The only outcomes are recovery or death.
You can't love him sober. I know this sounds harsh, but you are too new into this relationship to get sucked into the Alcoholic cycle. Get out while you can.
You are already questioning things...right? What is the foundation of any good relationship?....trust. If your foundation is lies (parents, active alcoholism) it makes for a very shakey relationship. One that is bound to tumble soon.
I bet if you get out of this relationship, it won't be long before the RIGHT person comes along
. God has a way of working these things out for us. Keep posting
Oh just anther thought: Can you make a list of Pros and Cons of your relationship?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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When I make a list of pros and cons, there are a lot of pros (he does have a lot of good qualities), but then when I look at the cons they're all emotional cons: hurt, anger, self-doubt, and it's painful to even look at them.
Thanks everyone for the supportive words.
Thanks everyone for the supportive words.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
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I used to also be quite a heavy drinker and figured we could go out drinking together but when we would go out he would behave so coldly and indifferently towards me (of course he's more than friendly to anyone else), and doesnt like having me around when he's out. Which is hurtful and confusing, considering how affectionate he is towards me when we're alone.
Hi lissyl,
As I read your first post, the above section stood out the most. I'm a guy and have been on dates where I did the same thing and it's interesting to note why. Men ignore those whom they are with because they really don't want to with them. When a man is truly interested in his companion, everything she says seems important to him, everything she wants to do seems like a great idea, (within reason) and her slightest smile or giggle can warm the hardest of hearts when he's in love with her. Just to sit in her presence is a treat, a special moment, and an affirmation of his manhood, simply because she has chosen to spend time with him.
On the other hand, to take you out with him and ignore you, tolerate you or treat you coldly or indifferently is an expression of disdain, or worse. I sounds like he is only trying to appease you, not really do what you want to do, but to only take you along so that he can do what he wants to do, at the price of your presence. It sounds like you are paying a very heavy price, only to be have a few crumbs when you are alone.
Just a few more thoughts to consider. I wish you well in choosing the right solution.
Hi lissyl,
As I read your first post, the above section stood out the most. I'm a guy and have been on dates where I did the same thing and it's interesting to note why. Men ignore those whom they are with because they really don't want to with them. When a man is truly interested in his companion, everything she says seems important to him, everything she wants to do seems like a great idea, (within reason) and her slightest smile or giggle can warm the hardest of hearts when he's in love with her. Just to sit in her presence is a treat, a special moment, and an affirmation of his manhood, simply because she has chosen to spend time with him.
On the other hand, to take you out with him and ignore you, tolerate you or treat you coldly or indifferently is an expression of disdain, or worse. I sounds like he is only trying to appease you, not really do what you want to do, but to only take you along so that he can do what he wants to do, at the price of your presence. It sounds like you are paying a very heavy price, only to be have a few crumbs when you are alone.
Just a few more thoughts to consider. I wish you well in choosing the right solution.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Originally Posted by lissyl
I'm actually used to being independent of men, it was a case of me finally finding someone who I thought was a good match and I kindof breathed a sigh of relief of "finally, a man who doesn't suck!"
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Well it's been such an emotional rollercoaster this week. In the space of two weeks I've heard about three pledges to quit, and every time it makes me so full of hope and I tell him how proud I am, blah blah blah....and then it usually takes him about a day or two to break these pledges.
All week we've been looking forward to going to see some bands play tonight...but then I told him I wasnt going to give him money to drink and now he's refusing to go out. And of course it's my fault and I'm being 'dominating' etc. So I'm gonna go out on my own I guess and leave him home to sulk.
All week we've been looking forward to going to see some bands play tonight...but then I told him I wasnt going to give him money to drink and now he's refusing to go out. And of course it's my fault and I'm being 'dominating' etc. So I'm gonna go out on my own I guess and leave him home to sulk.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
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I do hope you went out, if for anything else, a break in the madness. I don't understand why you'd want to continue this, but of course that is your choice. I hope you have some fun tonight and that you're able to relax a bit
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