Katie09

I woke up yesterday feeling desperate and completely out of sorts. I got some wine. Long story short, I feel like a complete idiot. You've all been so patient and kind with me but for some reason things are getting worse, not better. I wish that IOP appointment were today and not tomorrow. I apologize for anything stupid I might have said. At any rate, I have to find a way to pull it together and need to step away from here for a while.

Katie

ANGELINA243

Just keep recovery a priority. And don't beat yourself up over this--it won't make things any better. This can be a learning opportunity. What are you going to do from this point on...(that is what matters). Do whatever you feel you need to do in order to get back on track--focus on your recovery....whether here or someplace else for right now. Just don't isolate yourself from other people. We do recover.

windysan

I wish I had the magic answer. Find something that works and work it.

californiapoppy

That's really a bummer. How long had it been? Seems to me that you were sober for a few weeks. Keep trying, I don't think it happens very often when someone who has been drinking a very long time, "a real alcoholic" to use the term, is able to just stop on the first, second, third, or whatever try, but there comes a moment I think, when enough is enough, when we've learned enough about quitting to make it work. Posting here definitely helps me, but I have no face to face help at all, do what it takes, I'm pretty sure you know by now too. If it were just easy... I'm rooting for you, keep at it.

Zencat

ANGELINA243 is spot on, Katie I count my success in recovery by staying in recovery regardless of anything else. The only way for me to fail is to abandon recovery all together.

:ghug3 Keep on keeping on and you'll find your way.

gneiss

Katie, Come back to us when you can. We'll miss you. And don't beat yourself up too much, just put it behind you and focus on finding something that works. Best of luck Friday, take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you!

Bamboozle

Katie, do what you need to do to get better and soon.

PM me if you need to.

Katie09

Thank you all. I signed on yet another dotted line today and added to my credit card. I start IOP on Monday. It is 3 nights a week for 3 hours. I first went to the place and this time asked all the questions I needed to. It was discovered that wasn't the place for me. HOWEVER, on the other side of town they DO have a place for me. Same organization, different person who does the groups. I spoke with him today and he tells me that he is big into REBT and CBT. He has four milestones. The first is making a list of A to Z and coming up with a trigger for each letter of the alphabet. The second is matching a coping strategy to each letter. The third is I forget. And the fourth is contemplation of what you would want a descendent of yours to say about you. He seemed very nice. At any rate, I start on Monday.

As always, I thank all of you for your support. I feel bad in that I don't want ANYONE to think I am not sincere in my efforts to recover. I want each and every one of you to know that I have really appreciated all of your posts, even the ones I found questionable. The fact that ANYONE would take the time to post to me is something I am grateful for.

What I'd really hope to do is to come back in 60 days (the duration of the groups) and say Woohoo! Katie has 60 days! However, I know I could not stay away from SR for 60 days. They do have some sort of support for a year following this. At any rate, what is important is to NEVER give up the fight and I say that for anyone who might be struggling like me.

stone

I am glad you are doing the IOP Katie.

sfgirl

Katie—

That is awesome that you found a place that works for you! Don't beat yourself up over drinking because you are still taking the steps towards getting sober and that is what really counts.

Katie09

Thanks so much sfgirl for your support! and to everyone else! Yeah, it was sort of a fluke and the irony in the whole deal is that I thought I had to flit off to another state to get help. The bigger irony in all of this is that this place was suggested to me a couple of years ago. I discounted it, as I thought it was only for "really bad cases." Well, I've become a "really bad case." No, no fancy places for me. I want REAL help. As long as I can be who I am without offending anyone else that works for me.

What I really appreciated today was that the director of this place had a concern for "the right fit." She acknowledged it was a lot of money and wanted me to be sure. They also want to ensure the safety of others who might be of a 12 step bent and that the groups be a "safe place" for all. And the one great thing I'll say about where I live is they have an organization that will hook you up with resources and they even offered to drive me there. Well, thanks to handy dandy Mapquest, I have to take no freeways. So, I am set. I am going to start on my "assignment" early (the A to Z triggers) so that I can hit the ground running, as they say in all that employment advertisement stuff.

Well, I know I tend to write lengthy posts at times and do apologize, but I am a fast typist so it's not an issue for me to just write and write. And thanks for reading.

Bamboozle

Keep in touch, okay? I hope everything goes well.

sfgirl

I am the master of lengthy posts.

Sounds like a great place. I guess it is kind of funny that you had to go to CA to refind it, but it all worked out in the end which is all that matters.

californiapoppy

Great Katie! You can make it work this time.

allport

Good luck Katie and keep us up to date. x

doorknob

Freepath

You obviously have a lot of support here…I hope you find a workable plan and a way to sort through your difficulties.
I agree with Everyone…don’t take your eyes off of the long term goal of clean sobriety.
When you go to this place, I’ll bet that if you write during that time, you will be able to come back to recovery, even if you slip, and have a long list of the reasons why life is better without drugs or alcohol.
Please remember that there are people here who believe that you can change and find happiness and fulfillment in your life without drugs or alcohol.
Good Luck

Katie09

Thanks, so much, but I already hurt myself with a contusion today, not that I remember how it happened. All I know is it hurts. I gotta get into a program and that is all I know. I've already cut a bunch of my skin here. I must pull myself together and I will, as usual.

Katie09

Ok, guys. Sorry if I've offended anyone. My hope is that those of you out there won't have to wonder how you got a contusion on your arm. As for me, I am afraid I must be a treatment case, not that there is anything wrong with a treatment case. It's just me.

Zencat

Bingo! Staying in addiction treatment come hell or high water is my goal/mission/key point of my recovery. I completely forget about my slips, trips and back flips because why? Because the progress I have made in treatment far outweighs the so called 'backsliding'. My addiction treatment is not up for comparisons or measurement or judgment or scrutiny...by my peers. I'm not going through treatment to win some kind of popularity contest. Nor am I interested in some kind of funky international standard of recovery that tells me if I'm a winner or loser. I'm in treatment because I say so and so are you because you have said so. And that is that and its all good.

You ARE doing it Katie and good going dammit.