He likes to know I'm in pain.

Old 04-02-2009, 06:08 AM
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He likes to know I'm in pain.

I haven't seen him in the past five days but I have talked to him on the phone everyday since I dumped him always ending the conversations when he would start an argument. The last five days I've reconnected with my father and spent a lot of time with my friends and family and been truly HAPPY. I was sure that I was strong enough to try and be friends with my exabf as well.

But he got the best of me. Again.

He started an argument with me yesterday morning. And I argued back. Again. The usual, telling me that I never try, that I'm never going to change, that I'm insane, that if only I accepted him for who he was quack quackity quack. He told me to "get out of his life" and I hung up the phone on him. In tears, of course.

And now he has absolutely no interest in me. Hasn't called me since. He was ALL OVER me trying to be friends and make it work out when I was in a happy, healthy state of mind, but the minute he dragged me down and got me crying he was GONE.

I hate him so, so much.

It's as if knowing that I'm in pain helps him get through his day. Like it makes his day easier. Then I found out that he went out and got drunk and smoked weed ALONE in my female co-workers room. I just called him right now in TEARS. All he said was, "Nothing will ever happen with that girl." Lies, I know my gut and I also know him. "i don't want you to be in pain". More lies.

I think I have to quit my job. I hate him so much. I need to talk to someone but it's 6am. More than anything I need him to give a DAMN that I'm hurting so much.

I'm so angry at myself because I feel like all the work I did to get healthy is completely shot to ****. All I want to do is call him and try to talk sense into him which I know is about as good as arguging with my own reflection. I can't even begin to remember what I did to make everything okay for the last five days. Guess I have to start from scratch.

I just don't want to see him at work for the next four days. I have to quit my job. Oh god.
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Old 04-02-2009, 06:24 AM
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{hugs} I am sorry you are in such pain. It sure sound like you might want to make some changes so that you don't welcome that pain into your daily life.

What changes can you make? How about not talking to him daily? How about no phone calls? I take it you work with him (sorry but I can't remember for sure). If so, job hunting sounds like a good idea to remove that source of pain. Now I wouldn't just quit unless you are financially able to support yourself while unemployed but hunting for another job makes sense to me.
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Old 04-02-2009, 07:30 AM
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I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Unfortunately, A's do like to see us in pain. They are in their own hell and they want to know others are as miserable as they are. When you are miserable, you are actually doing exactly what he wants you to do. I know it sounds crazy, but your misery gives him satisfaction. It's just the way the A brain works.

The good news.......you recognize it! AND you are willing to DO something about it. Good for you! I know how hard it is not to have contact with him (I'm currently doing the same thing with my A son). But it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Every time you call him or answer his call, you provide an opportunity for him to hurt you again. Stop the pain.

If you do work with him, perhaps it would be best to move on. I own a family business and have worked with my A son before and it's awful. He brought so much negativity to the work place.

Didn't being happy for those few days feel sooooo good!? Just as the habits that were formed while you were with your abf, the "habit" of feeling good will happen if you let it. And when you do, the whole world gets brighter!

gentle hugs
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Old 04-02-2009, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Unfortunately, A's do like to see us in pain. They are in their own hell and they want to know others are as miserable as they are. When you are miserable, you are actually doing exactly what he wants you to do. I know it sounds crazy, but your misery gives him satisfaction. It's just the way the A brain works.
Thank you. Reading that makes it all easier. When I see him at work I'm going to be the happiest chick on the planet. I wont mean it, but whatever.
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Old 04-02-2009, 08:17 AM
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I NEVER engage him at work. I have my own little space (I'm a barista!) and the only way that people can talk to me is if they stop to talk. Even though the managers have already told him to STOP talking to me he still stops by my station when he arrives at work, randomly during the shift, and when he leaves. Management never enforces anything which frankly doesn't surprise me. We've been broken up for almost two weeks now, so I've taught myself how to deal with his little visits. "hi, i'm good, bye". Plus he never tries to argue with me while we're at work. He has a facade to uphold, you see.

Thanks anvilhead. I love this place so much. An hour ago I was hysterically crying and now I'm yawning and ready for bed (finally).

Last edited by Crazy4Him; 04-02-2009 at 08:32 AM.
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Old 04-02-2009, 08:27 AM
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I really have nothing to add except be gentle to yourself. You can do this!!
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Old 04-02-2009, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him View Post
I have talked to him on the phone everyday since I dumped him

he got the best of me. Again.

He started an argument with me yesterday morning. And I argued back. Again. The usual, telling me that I never try, that I'm never going to change, that I'm insane, that if only I accepted him for who he was quack quackity quack. He told me to "get out of his life" and I hung up the phone on him.

And now he has absolutely no interest in me. Hasn't called me since. He was ALL OVER me trying to be friends and make it work out when I was in a happy, healthy state of mind, but the minute he dragged me down and got me crying he was GONE.

I hate him so, so much.


It's as if knowing that I'm in pain helps him get through his day. Like it makes his day easier. Then I found out that he went out and got drunk and smoked weed ALONE in my female co-workers room. I just called him right now in TEARS.

"i don't want you to be in pain". More lies.


More than anything I need him to give a DAMN that I'm hurting so much.

All I want to do is call him and try to talk sense into him which I know is about as good as arguging with my own reflection. I can't even begin to remember what I did to make everything okay for the last five days.
Hi, I am sorry you are going through this, I really am, I know how much it hurts, and how confusing it is

You "dumped" him, WHY are you in remaining in contact?

THAT is insanity, unless of course "dumping" him was just an attempt at behavior modification, a tactic which I have never had be successful by the way

Now that you have "Dumped" him, what he does, and where he goes is no longer any of your business, that's what "breaking up" means.

I know that sounds harsh, but if you truly are "done" with him, CLOSE THE DOOR, no more contact, if, however, you aren't done with him, you may want to try a new behavior modification tactic, this one doesn't seem very effective.

The reason I bring up this all being nothing but "behavior modification" is because you aren't done, you have "dumped him" then remained in contact.

That's actually not "dumping"

To "dump" somebody you actually have to stop engaging with them, or it's just "more of the same"

He has given you all "the information" you need, I believe his quotes were "you won't accept me for who I am", and "get out of my life"

That's not ambiguous.

I am truly sorry if I sound harsh, I'm not, I'm saying if you actually are done with this man, please, just walk away, stop engaging, Shakespeare said it best "On that Path Lies Madness"

Please keep coming back, we do care, I have gone through what you are going through, the only way I got through it was by "closing the door", walking away, and never looking back, NO MATTER WHAT the provocation, whether it was "hearts and flowers" or the nastiest, most spiteful, hurtful behavior I could ever imagine, and I could imagine a lot, I still managed to be surprised by some of the "hell hath no fury" behavior I encountered.

(leave the door closed, keep walking keep walking, don't respond don't respond, call for support, don't look back, don't look back) <----That was my thought process through all of that.

My friend "L" explained it like, Look Andrew, if I go to the Ghetto at 3AM wearing a Rolex driving a Jaguar holding a 3" wad of 100 dollar bills, they WILL mug me, I can either blame them be mad and hurt, and suffer greatly, or just not go to the ghetto at 3am, but the truth of the matter is in the Ghetto they mug people, THAT"S WHAT THEY DO, I can keep going to the Ghetto and getting mugged, then be angry about it, OR I can just stop going to the ghetto.

I stopped going to the Ghetto....it just hurt too much.

I am sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you, I promise.

:ghug



Unfortunately, A's do like to see us in pain. They are in their own hell and they want to know others are as miserable as they are. When you are miserable, you are actually doing exactly what he wants you to do. I know it sounds crazy, but your misery gives him satisfaction. It's just the way the A brain works.
This is a nice "story" to tell yourself, but not true, true people breaking up with each other do try to hurt each other, but Alcoholics by no means have a corner on the market on this behavior, I have seen it just as much from "codies" and "normies" as I have from alcoholics, you can go ahead and tell yourself this if it helps, but alcoholism in and of itself doesn't make one vindictive, nasty break-ups that involve hurt people make people vindictive, and it's usually a two way street.

Like Freedom1990 says frequently, alcohol gets too much credit. A-holes are A-holes regardless of whether or not they drink, and hurt people often lash out and hurt others, That's just how that is.
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Old 04-02-2009, 08:53 AM
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Ago we made the (foolish) decision to try and be friends and that's why I kept taking his calls, plus I work with him. I do see what you're saying and you're absolutely right. It's just hard. I want so badly to be truly done, I really really feel like I am.
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Old 04-02-2009, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him View Post
Ago we made the (foolish) decision to try and be friends and that's why I kept taking his calls, plus I work with him. I do see what you're saying and you're absolutely right. It's just hard. I want so badly to be truly done, I really really feel like I am.
Been there, done that, have "the scars" to prove it.

There was a girl I dated some years ago, I describe our relationship as "the relationship lasted a month, the break up lasted six months"

She wanted to be "just friends"

Didn't work out....kind of like "train wrecks" don't really work as commute tools.

All it turned into was a six month boggy confusing super slow motion train wreck that just wouldn't seem to stop.

In some cases ya just gotta walk away.

I am friends with "my exes" except for one, but in some cases it took a few years of distance.

Take care of yourself no matter what that "looks like", from here it looks like "no contact" but please, just take care of yourself, self care is NOT over rated.
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Old 04-02-2009, 02:46 PM
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Woke up crying after three hours of sleep. I just called a psychologist because... I need someone to talk to. I've never felt an anger like this in my life. Last night before I came on here I wrote him a text saying we needed to talk about how we are going to behave while we're at work since he wants me out of his life and I'm done playing his games. I'm just now realizing that I basically invited him to call me and just by sending that text I AM playing his games. And now I'm dreading whether he will call or whether he wont call. I know I will hurt either way. I don't want to pick up the phone but I'm so afraid I will.

I just don't understand why he acted so friendly towards me all week asking about my life and telling me he wanted me in his life forever if he was just going to tell me to get out of it the next day. Is it the alcohol? Him getting revenge because I broke up with him? Just plain 'ol hatred? I don't want to know. I don't want to know this man anymore.
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Old 04-02-2009, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him View Post
I just don't understand why he acted so friendly towards me all week asking about my life and telling me he wanted me in his life forever if he was just going to tell me to get out of it the next day. Is it the alcohol? Him getting revenge because I broke up with him? Just plain 'ol hatred? I don't want to know.
You don't need to know either. His reasons have nothing to do with you, your emotions or your reactions. Those you can work on. His stuff, well, its his stuff.

I'm glad you are going to try some therapy. It did me a world of good. It can do the same for you. {hugs}
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Old 04-02-2009, 03:48 PM
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If I were in your position I'd start looking for another job. It might take a bit of time to move jobs but at least you'll feel more in control because YOU are taking positive steps to change the situation
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Old 04-02-2009, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him View Post
Woke up crying after three hours of sleep. I just called a psychologist because... I need someone to talk to. I've never felt an anger like this in my life. Last night before I came on here I wrote him a text saying we needed to talk about how we are going to behave while we're at work since he wants me out of his life and I'm done playing his games. I'm just now realizing that I basically invited him to call me and just by sending that text I AM playing his games. And now I'm dreading whether he will call or whether he wont call. I know I will hurt either way. I don't want to pick up the phone but I'm so afraid I will.

I just don't understand why he acted so friendly towards me all week asking about my life and telling me he wanted me in his life forever if he was just going to tell me to get out of it the next day. Is it the alcohol? Him getting revenge because I broke up with him? Just plain 'ol hatred? I don't want to know. I don't want to know this man anymore.
Trying to talk about something, to come to some adult arrangement to get through a difficult period is not going to work.

He's acting friendly because it draws you in.. he needs to draw you in to be able to push you away again.

I don't believe you when you say you don't want him. I'm saying this with love but you have to be honest with yourself first and foremost. If you don't want him and I am reading this all wrong then I apologise unreservedly. If you do want him then you have to ask yourself why when he makes you so miserable.

:ghug
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Old 04-02-2009, 04:02 PM
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I DO want him. I want the man I had before he relapsed. It's so hard to let him go. Or maybe I do want these games for some reason. I'm just off the charts right now and I can't wait to hear what a professional has to say about... me. Because I am very clearly INSANE.

I do want him.
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Old 04-02-2009, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him View Post
I DO want him. I want the man I had before he relapsed. It's so hard to let him go.

I do want him.
That's like me saying I want to be 26 again. Life only moves forward, you can't shift into reverse...............

Either you want him AS HE IS RIGHT NOW, or you don't. Anything else is just magical thinking.

L
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Old 04-02-2009, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him View Post
I DO want him. I want the man I had before he relapsed. It's so hard to let him go.

I do want him.
Ok. That's something you can work with.

You have to let him go. Because if you don't you are just giving more of your precious time on this planet to a mirage.

I want the lovely man back who told me I was beautiful and lovely and wanted to marry me and have a little mini us. I'm not going to get him... because he didn't exist... and if he did it was for a fleeting moment.

What you have is here and now C. The past is gone and the future is unwritten.
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Old 04-02-2009, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him View Post
I DO want him. I want the man I had before he relapsed. It's so hard to let him go. Or maybe I do want these games for some reason. I'm just off the charts right now and I can't wait to hear what a professional has to say about... me. Because I am very clearly INSANE.

I do want him.
You are in love with this man

That's OK, we get that, time to stop beating yourself up, time to start taking care of yourself. Break ups are quite possibly some of the most painful, stressful events we go through as human beings.

I don't think you want "the games" I personally think you are on "overwhelm" and will do almost anything to get the man you fell in love with back.

He's gone.

He's not there, any more.

You say he "relapsed" that leads me to believe that during some point in the relationship, he was sober.

There was a book when I was growing up called "Alice doesn't live here any more" well that's the case here, that man that you knew and loved is gone.

He has a new "lover" and it's called "addiction" and you lose. You will always lose to addiction.

I am SO sorry. I am. My heart is breaking for you right now.

Part of taking care of yourself means being painfully honest with yourself so you can take the actions necessary to take care of yourself.

Earlier I mentioned that I felt this "break up" was "behavior modification" on your part.

Subsequent posts by you have added to that impression.

Time to start asking yourself the "hard" questions.

Can you accept him, as he is right now, and knowing addiction, knowing he will get worse as time passes, which, by the way, will make you even more "insane".

Or, Can you "walk away" now?

Can you "pull off the band aid" knowing it's going to hurt more then anything, knowing it's going to make you cry and hurt like the Dickens?

If you do, you WILL heal. If you don't, you will remain insane, and it gets worse, it gets a LOT worse, there is an abundance of information here, read the stickies, read the stories, it does and will get worse.

By the way, "being insane at the moment" is perfectly acceptable behavior during a break up and, quite frankly during a relationship with an alcoholic/addict.

Have you heard of Alanon?

There you can receive face to face support with people who have lived through what you are going through.

Alanon's second step even states " Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Some people use the group as their higher power, some use "God", you are encouraged to use your own concept of a "power greater then yourself" so don't let that scare you.

Chocolate is good.

Friends are mission critical.

Engaging with him is bad.

Therapy is good.

"Isolating" right now is bad.

Obsessing about him and what is he is doing is bad.

Alanon is good.

Taking care of YOURSELF is good.

Time heals all wounds, when people were telling me that when I was in your shoes, I wanted to kill them, but it's true.

In Recovery, we do things "One Day at a Time", sometimes we do things "One minute at time"

Can you not call him for just one day?

Can you take care of yourself for just one day? Putting yourself ahead of everything in the whole world, especially him, for just. one. day.

Keep coming back, we care, we really really do.
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Old 04-02-2009, 05:42 PM
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Ago is giving you some pretty good advice. (He's kind of like a older sister, right?)

I was told the same things and I HATED it. I still do. I wish L was the man he once was. He isn't there anymore. I miss him, but he is gone.

You are going through a terrible realization right now and it is painful. No two ways about it. You don't want to believe it, but it is real. I wish i could take that pain away for you. I wish I had a crystal ball, but I don't. Once you accept the reality of your situation, then look to whatever higher power (God, church, temple, your dog, friends, whatever...) and please try to understand that you are not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We all know your pain.

Keep talking out your feelings. Cry, journal, see your friends, walk, take bubble baths, light candles, do wahtever you need to do right now to take care of yourself. Pamper yourself and treat yourself RIGHT NOW the way that you wish you were being treated. Treat yourself with ove and kindness.

We are here to listen and help if we can

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Old 04-02-2009, 05:47 PM
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Crazy4Him, first of all, let me send you some (((hugs))). I sooo empathize with you. I work with my Ex. too. And I sooooo relate to the feelings you show here. I know it is a painful place to be. Very painful.

"The usual, telling me that I never try, that I'm never going to change, that I'm insane, that if only I accepted him for who he was quack quackity quack. "

I have learned that whatever people tell me, is what they think of themselves. No exceptions. Its always true. My ex, when still Jekyll, told me I was brave. Ago told me the same thing he is telling you and its true..this is the road to madness. When he was Hyde, drunk as hell, he told me I was a coward. WTF?

The main error there being believing him more than I believe myself. Am I brave? I am. A lot. In my opinion. That's all I need.

He is entitled to his opinion about you, but that does not make it true.
Now, if we talk about your EX..

HE never tries.
HE will never change.
He is insane.

This sounds more accurate IMHO! Do not listen to his quacking.

So, you took a great step, which was to leave the relation. IMHO you have already done the most difficult part. You are nothing but co workers now.

I also tried to keep "friends" with the Ex. I hate it, not to talk to someone. I also talk with all the other ex's, not as these super friends, but at least we are OK. It gets me that I cannot do the same with this one.

BUT, sincerely, own your 50%.

Why can't I talk to F. now? Because F. could not create a space in his schedule, SOBER, and say the following words:

"I am interested in someone else. I am sorry. Never meant to hurt you in purpose. We lived great times."

It would have hurt, but it would have been honest, it would have respected what we lived together, he would have taken responsibility for his acts, and my feelings would have been acknowledged.

But no. His "apologies" were fake and forced. He lied, manipulated, failed to acknowledge and it also seemed he enjoyed stomping on my heart. He was disrespectful not once but many times. Drunk. And sober. He still is, the only difference is that I am no longer there suffering his pain. Because I do not deserve that. I deserve a partner, not a wounded child.

He is not good for me. He can think whatever he wants to think. It hurts to wonder if they give a damn.. or if they do not. But honestly, it does not matter. The damage is done and we need to heal. You need to take steps to heal.

In my case, he was also "friendly" for months - later I realized when he was asking about my party plans, it was because he had been with a new girlfriend for those same months as well, and did not want to attend a party where I may go because I would not let him enjoy as he wanted. What a catch

I asked him not to talk to me unless it was work related. I ALWAYs use dark glasses and iPod. It works wonders, not to have eye contact.

I know you may not be able to do this, but perhaps you can let him know that from now on you are only co workers? You may look for other jobs, then decide if you have a nice offer.

When I wanted to leave my current job my dad told me that first of all we need to bring food to the table, that is the first thing I have to do!! I seeked other jobs but this one was so much better in comparison. So. After I knew staying was MY DECISION, for MY OWN good, it got easier.

Your ex is another coworker. Coworkers are not friends, are coworkers.

Ppl told me I should dress better and look better and act happy, but no, I did not. I looked like a racoon and miserable, because I was miserable. You do not have to act any feeling you do not feel. If he or anyone sees you sad, or whatever, so what? Whose business is it anyway?

The only important thing now is for you to keep your job, seek other jobs if you wish, release all your feelings.

We all miss the ppl we knew, but they are not here anymore. I like to think that someday somehow I will be able to talk to the nice F. For now, he keeps drinking, he keeps acting as a jerk, and I have nothing in common with this person. Alcoholism is merciless. Know that you are taking the best decision for yourself, running away from this.

I think it is difficult when we keep seeing them, but its only a shell.
You've got to trust yourself and move forward, if I am able to do it, believe me you can, too.

Not easy but totally worth it. I "lost" an alcoholic, and I gained self respect, confidence, trust in myself and my instincts, I now know who my real friends are, I improved the relation with my family, allow my feelings to be, and I thank HP every day for giving me the courage to leave a destructive situation, complete, with my life still ahead of me. It WILL get better, I promise.

I hope you improve your relation with HP, ask him for what you need, hand him the situation and your emotions. We are here for you.
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Old 04-02-2009, 06:22 PM
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I'm in the same boat as you, C. I know how much it hurts. What has helped me is accepting the fact that I cannot be with the man I love. It doesn't make me love him any less, but I have to love him from a distance.

I can accept that I LOVE. Love is never wrong, or wasted--it just shows that you have a working, open, human heart. But when that loves starts to cause pain to ourselves, because the one we love is an alcoholic who just doesn't see, and can't give back to us what WE need (and yes, those are valid needs)--well, then it is time to detach with love. For OURSELVES.

Accept that you love him, and may very well love him for some time yet. Then put that away in your heart, do it from a distance, refocus on you and the things that bring you actual joy (remember joy?), and let your healing begin.

I love my alcoholic, too. But he just couldn't love me back the way I deserved to be loved, or even himself. And I can't do it for him.

There is no shortage of love. It will come again for you, in a much healthier and fulfilling form. Promise.
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