Glenna9802

I haven't posted much lately because I've been feeling kind of down. I haven't been able to get to all the meetings I want because of financial reasons (gasoline to get there) and feel like I'm losing my center.

AH and I are having serious money problems and are arguing about that and everything else. However, as I told him, my problem with him isn't about money, but the way that he has treated me (rude and condescending). He dismisses that, of course, but he has been verbally cruel. He actually said that he is allowed to talk to me any way he wants because we're married, but I think that's all the more reason to be respectful. I told him that it's disturbing to me that, while the alcohol is now gone, the mean behavior continues.

I know I have no control over this, but it also concerns me that, while he is going to meetings, he is not working his program like we both agreed to do. He rarely contacts his sponsor and is not doing his step work. I know that's none of my business, but it seems his humility goes right out the window when he does things "on his own."

Not sure what my point is. I just feel spiritually down right now. I miss the great feeling I had when the program first "clicked" for me. My sponsor does help, and I am doing my work, but I still feel disconnected from HP and from myself at the moment. Thanks for listening.

bearfeet

Glenna,

Just wanted to send you a hug and say I was thinking of you, it's easy to get off course, it doesn't help that you are living with cruelty that is 'permitted' because you are in a marriage, I and I feel most other sane people would take your view (!)

Why don't you re-read anything that helped you 'click' in the first place? Do something peaceful and calming to help you reconnect? Just do something nice for yourself anything if only to begin with as a distraction from the hurt you must be feeling?

x

Glenna9802

Thanks. I'm not totally blameless. I reacted with a knee-jerk "F-U" yesterday when he started being mean in traffic yesterday, but I did apologize for it. My sponsor says the silent treatment is actually a form of abuse, but I get to the point where I don't even want to talk anymore because I'm not being listened to. I just feel I could handle it better if I was more grounded and not such a "baby" in recovery. It's frustrating.

tallulah

Hey twinnie... I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were getting on.. :ghug

I confess to feeling slightly envious and fullof hope for you when you posted about the A kind of coming to his senses and getting into a programme and really seeming to be attacking it with gusto. I am sorry to see your post today.

I can only say what I see, but it looks to me like he did all the stuff he needed to do, said all the stuff he needed to say to get you back and now that you are back he doesn't feel like he needs to anymore. Looks to me like this is a slippery slope back to where you first started.

The alcohol going does not always equal the mean behaviour going. Going to AA does not mean he is 'ok'. Having a sponsor does not mean he is 'ok'. I have learned this the hard way. He is fooling himself but he is not fooling you.. so what do you want to do about this? What will be the best course of action for Glenna?

Glenna9802

Before I went back to him, I told him that recovery was non-negotiable for both of us. When I said that, I meant RECOVERY and not just not drinking and attending a meeting here or there. To me, a large part of that is being willing and humble, and I'm not really seeing that anymore.

I'm trying to understand his frustration. He's struggling with sobriety, out of work, etc., but none of that is a free pass to be shi**y to other people.

Coming here is the only thing I can think of to do right now, trying to reconnect. It feels good to be listened to, as I don't feel he hears a word I say right now and I don't want to keep banging my head against the proverbial wall. If it wasn't the alcohol that caused the negative behavior in the first place, then this truly is a "slippery slope," and the only thing I feel can help is true recovery on both our parts. But...you can lead a horse to water...etc.

ICant

Hello Glenna. My husband is in early recovery too and initially when he sucked me back in with "I'll go to AA and give up entirely" I was very concerned that I would sink with his ship if he was to relapse. The answer for me was to not look over my shoulder at his recovery. It is to stay strong in my own. In this way, no matter what he is doing - be it active recovery, active drinking or dry drunk behaviour, I will not ever go back to the codie I was. If I follow the program, I will get better.

In a similar way, my husband will not stand still either. He is either going to get better or get worse. In which case, I'll have my answer about what happens next. In the meantime, I am enjoying life with him and sometimes in spite of him.

catlovermi

Hugs to you, Glenna!



Can you call your sponsor (since you are having problems getting to meetings) and have her help you get a phone list of folks? Then you can get a lot of phone support, or even ears just to vent.

Also, don't be shy to ask for help, such as rides to meetings. The choice to suffer in silence is a CHOICE -- if you have needs, shout them out! Go have a coffee and a laugh with some Al-A-Pals and get yourself physically away from the source of stress, at least for a while.

I'm sorry it's so stressful, and you are not being treated well. Lean on your local people, in times like these. It's what they are there for, in THEIR 12th step. Someday, you can help another likewise.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

Freedom1990

I couldn't agree more with what Tallulah has said. I too was concerned when you had made the decision to make a go of it back home with hubby.

Yes, early sobriety is difficult, but he's quit doing many of the things he was doing prior to you moving back in, and early sobriety doesn't give him the right to be cruel or treat you with disrespect.

When I got out of rehab, I had an eight year old daughter to parent, and a full-time job. There was no time for such foolish games.

Please take care of yourself, Glenna. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and please don't excuse his actions. :ghug :ghug :ghug

Happiness Fairy

My heart goes out to you, Glenna!
I am exactly where you are at right now. As much as I feel so sad for you because I know what you are going through, it helps to know that I am not alone. It is so easy to doubt decisions and behaviors that we cannot control which in turn leads us to that "lost" feeling.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am finding that every day, sometimes every minute, brings different feelings and reactions from both AH and myself. I try to tell myself to stay in the moment.
My thoughts are with you!

Glenna9802

That is a good idea about coming up with some boundaries. I will talk to my sponsor about that today.

I told AH last night, "We don't seem to be communicating very well today. Let's try again tomorrow," but he was like a dog with a bone and kept coming back with more to say. I told him it was definitely not about the money issue, but the way he was speaking down to me, and he insisted that I was wrong (about my own feelings--sheesh) and that it really WAS about money.

It also seems that he is reading these messages because he accused me of calling him a "dry drunk," which I don't think I wrote here. I told him his recovery was his own business, and I would stay out of it. I have nothing to hide in whatever I write, but my recovery is my business as well, and I will continue to seek support where I need it.