Court Plea not 'til June & I keep bumping into him!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Court Plea not 'til June & I keep bumping into him!
Hello All,
Just a quick update, XA went to Crown Court yesterday for a preliminary hearing he entered No Plea again and the next hearing is not until June where he will have to make a plea and only then will I know if I have to give evidence or not in a trial. I can't believe all this takes so long! I am determined to put it out of my mind until June but it's going to be difficult. I don't know what his motives are for dragging it out, my legal person said that over time with cases like this their is a high 'dropout' rate of women witnesses they either reconcile or move on and don't want it being dragged up again.
On another note, I had the Child Maintainence assessment for his financial support to Baby Bearfeet.....wait for it.......this is good........ £2.50 per week.
About the price of a pint then.
He gets about £100 p/w sick pay this is why, I know that sounds very little buit he lives in his Dad's Council House and does not have 1 bill to pay (plus his Dad still has his benefit back pay to drink with him)
Anyway his Bail Conditions state that he is not to contact me in anyway or come to my house (I'm sure he is very happy with this arrangement!) It means he doesn't see his daughter either but once more, it's another responsibility off him and he can tell all that will listen that it's Me and the authorities preventing him even though for 6 months he had no such conditions and repeatedly kept letting her down 'til I gave up altogether.
Problem is and I'm sure it's just bad luck and coincedence I keep seeing him. OnSuday I was in my front garden and he walked down the adjacent road, we looked at one another and I looked away then yesterday on my way home from work he is outside the local pub (In his court clothes stil....) looking at me as I went by, a small part of me thinks it's not bad luck I'm feeling paranoid that it's his plan to let me keep seeing him (he knows very well my times of passing and so on because for years he would sucessfully evade himself from me ha!) so that I'll end up speaking with him, arguning and he will some how be able to use it in his court case, I don't know like i said I'm probably just winding myself up.
Also and I'm sure some of you can recognise this, just seeing him makes me think about him, miss him and question my decisions over and over. Life is so much easier when I don't. it's almost like trying to grieve a death only to keep seeing the beloved in the shops or on the street, you wouldn't be able to!!!
I can't move, I own the house and now is really not the right time to sell at all. Any tips on how to cope with this?
Anyway I've rambled on for way too long so if any of you have got this far, well done!
Thanks again for being my support, even just reading the progress you are all making (and the occasional bump) gives me more support and encouragement than you'l all ever know :ghug
x
Just a quick update, XA went to Crown Court yesterday for a preliminary hearing he entered No Plea again and the next hearing is not until June where he will have to make a plea and only then will I know if I have to give evidence or not in a trial. I can't believe all this takes so long! I am determined to put it out of my mind until June but it's going to be difficult. I don't know what his motives are for dragging it out, my legal person said that over time with cases like this their is a high 'dropout' rate of women witnesses they either reconcile or move on and don't want it being dragged up again.
On another note, I had the Child Maintainence assessment for his financial support to Baby Bearfeet.....wait for it.......this is good........ £2.50 per week.
About the price of a pint then.
He gets about £100 p/w sick pay this is why, I know that sounds very little buit he lives in his Dad's Council House and does not have 1 bill to pay (plus his Dad still has his benefit back pay to drink with him)
Anyway his Bail Conditions state that he is not to contact me in anyway or come to my house (I'm sure he is very happy with this arrangement!) It means he doesn't see his daughter either but once more, it's another responsibility off him and he can tell all that will listen that it's Me and the authorities preventing him even though for 6 months he had no such conditions and repeatedly kept letting her down 'til I gave up altogether.
Problem is and I'm sure it's just bad luck and coincedence I keep seeing him. OnSuday I was in my front garden and he walked down the adjacent road, we looked at one another and I looked away then yesterday on my way home from work he is outside the local pub (In his court clothes stil....) looking at me as I went by, a small part of me thinks it's not bad luck I'm feeling paranoid that it's his plan to let me keep seeing him (he knows very well my times of passing and so on because for years he would sucessfully evade himself from me ha!) so that I'll end up speaking with him, arguning and he will some how be able to use it in his court case, I don't know like i said I'm probably just winding myself up.
Also and I'm sure some of you can recognise this, just seeing him makes me think about him, miss him and question my decisions over and over. Life is so much easier when I don't. it's almost like trying to grieve a death only to keep seeing the beloved in the shops or on the street, you wouldn't be able to!!!
I can't move, I own the house and now is really not the right time to sell at all. Any tips on how to cope with this?
Anyway I've rambled on for way too long so if any of you have got this far, well done!
Thanks again for being my support, even just reading the progress you are all making (and the occasional bump) gives me more support and encouragement than you'l all ever know :ghug
x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
That sounds a bit odd. But the wheels of justice are often slightly skewed and can turn veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery slowly.
I was having a discussion with a friend about this stuff last night. I’m considering going to the next hearing. Not sure why but… Anyway they were saying that I should not even think about the court stuff and actually do nothing. I mean nothing… the implication being walk away… let the justice system do its thing and only be involved when you have to. Maybe he is hoping that it will all go away but that is out of your hands. Do whatever you need to do: as long as whatever you are doing is coming from you and benefits you then it is right. Unless someone is, or has been, in your position they will not understand completely.
You are not a robot. You are not devoid of feelings. You loved this man so it is perfectly natural for you to find seeing him difficult. If you loved truly then you can’t turn off your feelings like a tap. But you can separate them. What is happening now is not of your making. He made a choice. People get angry and people get frustrated and people get upset: but most people don’t choose to raise their hands, throw things, hit people, start a fire. He made a choice and for that there are consequences, which he must face. Even if this court action never happened as a result he would still have to face the consequences of his choice. Karma, fate whatever you will call it always has a habit of coming back and biting you on the @ss.
You don’t know why he seems to be turning up in your orbit. It may be coincidence or planning on his part. That you can’t control (unless he breaches his bail conditions). But what you can control is your reaction to it. Feel what you feel, process it and then let it go. Don’t keep revisiting it. (I know, easier said than done).
If you think he is turning up in your life a little too often then tell someone. If you feel intimidated, tell someone. If he tries to contact you or engage with you, tell someone. Certainly don’t engage him. Ever.
This is a horrible and tough situation, I know. Nobody wants to be in something like this. But as the slogan says.. this too shall pass. Try not to emotionally invest in it. It is wasted energy that would be better channelled into you and making your life great.
You are in my thoughts. Keep your head up and your eyes on your goals. :ghug
I was having a discussion with a friend about this stuff last night. I’m considering going to the next hearing. Not sure why but… Anyway they were saying that I should not even think about the court stuff and actually do nothing. I mean nothing… the implication being walk away… let the justice system do its thing and only be involved when you have to. Maybe he is hoping that it will all go away but that is out of your hands. Do whatever you need to do: as long as whatever you are doing is coming from you and benefits you then it is right. Unless someone is, or has been, in your position they will not understand completely.
You are not a robot. You are not devoid of feelings. You loved this man so it is perfectly natural for you to find seeing him difficult. If you loved truly then you can’t turn off your feelings like a tap. But you can separate them. What is happening now is not of your making. He made a choice. People get angry and people get frustrated and people get upset: but most people don’t choose to raise their hands, throw things, hit people, start a fire. He made a choice and for that there are consequences, which he must face. Even if this court action never happened as a result he would still have to face the consequences of his choice. Karma, fate whatever you will call it always has a habit of coming back and biting you on the @ss.
You don’t know why he seems to be turning up in your orbit. It may be coincidence or planning on his part. That you can’t control (unless he breaches his bail conditions). But what you can control is your reaction to it. Feel what you feel, process it and then let it go. Don’t keep revisiting it. (I know, easier said than done).
If you think he is turning up in your life a little too often then tell someone. If you feel intimidated, tell someone. If he tries to contact you or engage with you, tell someone. Certainly don’t engage him. Ever.
This is a horrible and tough situation, I know. Nobody wants to be in something like this. But as the slogan says.. this too shall pass. Try not to emotionally invest in it. It is wasted energy that would be better channelled into you and making your life great.
You are in my thoughts. Keep your head up and your eyes on your goals. :ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Thank you Tallulah,
It's not even just that I feel sad and miss him after I see him, I then spend the following day berating myself for feeling that way, so one chance encounter eats about 3 days of my life.
I know I'm making slow progress and that's what is cheering me on and for everyone that had told me at the start when I left him that I'd feel as improved (as I generally do) they were right but what a journey it has been.
I just know that I'm still and maybe always will be one kind remark, one nice smile, one compliment away from going right back to where I was before all of it happened and that thought terrifies me, but the even worse thought (and this is the reality) is that despite his circumstance he wouldn't even want me- that's the demon I am really wrestling with isn't it.............
I had to wonder does he have the same gut-wrenching reaction when he has seen me these last couple of occasions?? and the answer in truth? I very much doubt it.
Thanks for listening and letting me ramble on as ever. x
It's not even just that I feel sad and miss him after I see him, I then spend the following day berating myself for feeling that way, so one chance encounter eats about 3 days of my life.
I know I'm making slow progress and that's what is cheering me on and for everyone that had told me at the start when I left him that I'd feel as improved (as I generally do) they were right but what a journey it has been.
I just know that I'm still and maybe always will be one kind remark, one nice smile, one compliment away from going right back to where I was before all of it happened and that thought terrifies me, but the even worse thought (and this is the reality) is that despite his circumstance he wouldn't even want me- that's the demon I am really wrestling with isn't it.............
I had to wonder does he have the same gut-wrenching reaction when he has seen me these last couple of occasions?? and the answer in truth? I very much doubt it.
Thanks for listening and letting me ramble on as ever. x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Tell me about it B. The missing the good parts of him thing lasts fleetingly but the 'what the hell are you thinking woman' lasts alot longer. Forgive yourself. You loved him.. maybe still do. You are human.
I know what you mean about the progress. It is hard and not many people understand it and how difficult it is just putting one foot in front of the other. But you are doing it. Just by getting up each day and posting here and achieving even the 'little' stuff.
I also know what you mean about the feelings. You are human. You don't just turn off feelings like a tap.. not if they were real and heartfelt. I don't think you will ever go back to the person you were before B. Even if after all this is over and he called you up and said he was working on himself and one day he hoped that he could have you back in his life... I don't think for one second you would go running in there blindly.
Your demons? They again probably come down to the fact you loved him and because you are a normal feeling human being it is hard to think that the person you loved might not have loved you back. I have accepted that this man, even though sometimes he said the words and sometimes did the actions, never loved me. It is the only thing that makes sense.
If he feels nothing about what he has done, if he feels nothing about you, if he feels nothing about what he has lost.. then that says more about him than it does you. I know exactly what you mean when you say what you say. Truth is you might not know how he feels... ever. The fact that there is court enforced no contact during this means he can't tell you. The fact that he is being prosecuted may mean he wouldn't want to tell you anyway because (as we know) they are all about themselves and he wouldn't tell you anything that might mean taking responsibility. The fact that he is on serious charges may mean that he will put forward all kinds of remorse in order to mitigate the consequences of his actions. Don't second guess. Let it go.
One of my friends said this. One day or maybe even now, in those quiet times when people catch their breath and look around them at their life, he will remember what he has lost. And he may even want it back. He may be ready to make the commitment to dealing with his problems. By then it may be too late. Because you may be with a new love who holds you instead of pushes you away, who looks at you and thinks 'God I'm lucky' instead of 'I don't want you', who would do anything to protect you rather than anything to hurt you etc. Whatever happens with the legal stuff.. that is the true consequence of his actions. He had you...
:ghug
I know what you mean about the progress. It is hard and not many people understand it and how difficult it is just putting one foot in front of the other. But you are doing it. Just by getting up each day and posting here and achieving even the 'little' stuff.
I also know what you mean about the feelings. You are human. You don't just turn off feelings like a tap.. not if they were real and heartfelt. I don't think you will ever go back to the person you were before B. Even if after all this is over and he called you up and said he was working on himself and one day he hoped that he could have you back in his life... I don't think for one second you would go running in there blindly.
Your demons? They again probably come down to the fact you loved him and because you are a normal feeling human being it is hard to think that the person you loved might not have loved you back. I have accepted that this man, even though sometimes he said the words and sometimes did the actions, never loved me. It is the only thing that makes sense.
If he feels nothing about what he has done, if he feels nothing about you, if he feels nothing about what he has lost.. then that says more about him than it does you. I know exactly what you mean when you say what you say. Truth is you might not know how he feels... ever. The fact that there is court enforced no contact during this means he can't tell you. The fact that he is being prosecuted may mean he wouldn't want to tell you anyway because (as we know) they are all about themselves and he wouldn't tell you anything that might mean taking responsibility. The fact that he is on serious charges may mean that he will put forward all kinds of remorse in order to mitigate the consequences of his actions. Don't second guess. Let it go.
One of my friends said this. One day or maybe even now, in those quiet times when people catch their breath and look around them at their life, he will remember what he has lost. And he may even want it back. He may be ready to make the commitment to dealing with his problems. By then it may be too late. Because you may be with a new love who holds you instead of pushes you away, who looks at you and thinks 'God I'm lucky' instead of 'I don't want you', who would do anything to protect you rather than anything to hurt you etc. Whatever happens with the legal stuff.. that is the true consequence of his actions. He had you...
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by bearfeet 
You've just made me cry!
But in a good way I promise. xxxxxxxx
But in a good way I promise. xxxxxxxx
Tell me about it.. typing that last bit I was in floods. But it is right. I bet other people can see the beauty in you and what you have to offer.. more fool him for being blind to it and more fool him for destroying all that promise and losing it. There will never be another you in his life. You are unique.
I bet it will not be long before you are posting about someone.. male and with no agenda.. reminding you how wonderful you are. When they do remind you, just remember to accept it. :ghug3
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
OK great thead you two... LOL
bearfeet, as I always remember when I bump into F. and cry my heart out at home, while he looks totally aloof - DO NOT compare your insides to his outsides.
I have talked to male friends or see them at work, laughing, looking totally normal and when they talk to me in private... they cry... they accept their heart is totally broken and they feel remorse for their stupid choices...
Truth is we will never know what they are really thinking or feeling. Do not make assumptions that hurt you. Really know this: you do not know his insides.
And yes indeed. I feel it all meant nothing for him, etc. but although it hurts, who cares? My codie tendencies of seeing life through HIS eyes. Through mine - he helped me hit my own bottom for great change in my life. He made me take off my pink glasses and see the hard truth about myself. Specially to be aware of my active mind, my enemy #1. Thanks to him I am becoming my own best friend. Truth is I am taking ALL the lessons that present themselves here.
An alcoholic in recovery told me it may not be his time now to see who he really is and how much he has harmed people. But he will. Alcoholics hide and bury stuff. That does not mean that stuff disappears. There is karma. There is justice. There is "it comes back tenfold". In hurting others, they hurt themselves the most.
I agree it sucks to grieve someone, and then see him smiling having a ball. Its madness. I try to imagine he is the evil twin.
I think that if we can let go of an alcoholic, under these circumstances, we will be able to let go of anyone else in our life. Huge huge lesson on letting go and trusting HP. Sometimes its too much. And sometimes, oh glory, I do not run into F. at all.
Someday I will be indifferent to him. It will be a wonderful day.
I agree HP should send us a videotape where we see the Ex alcoholics walking alone, coming back from the party, noticing their "friends" are nowhere around and they are just drink buddies, waking up alone after abusing the new person... I would like to know what he thinks or feels about me now...
The truth for me is that he is an active alcoholic, so he is porbably thinking "not a drinker? good she is out of my life. she was an obstacle".
Until he reaches his own bottom, no F, just alcohol, and whoever supports it. No trace of the wonderful man before this. The Nth victim of alcoholism.
Sometimes, you know, I just feel glad I was able to step back from hell. Sometimes I think "perhaps this hell is really paradise?". Being lonely, grieving, etc. is nothing compared to the loneliness of seeing the guy you love being killed slowly and mercilessly by addiction.
When I do not find rest for my mind, I just ask HP to take care of EVERYTHING. Then I go to sleep...
Sorry for rambling!! You guys rule... we will trascend this, you'll see.
bearfeet, as I always remember when I bump into F. and cry my heart out at home, while he looks totally aloof - DO NOT compare your insides to his outsides.
I have talked to male friends or see them at work, laughing, looking totally normal and when they talk to me in private... they cry... they accept their heart is totally broken and they feel remorse for their stupid choices...
Truth is we will never know what they are really thinking or feeling. Do not make assumptions that hurt you. Really know this: you do not know his insides.
And yes indeed. I feel it all meant nothing for him, etc. but although it hurts, who cares? My codie tendencies of seeing life through HIS eyes. Through mine - he helped me hit my own bottom for great change in my life. He made me take off my pink glasses and see the hard truth about myself. Specially to be aware of my active mind, my enemy #1. Thanks to him I am becoming my own best friend. Truth is I am taking ALL the lessons that present themselves here.
An alcoholic in recovery told me it may not be his time now to see who he really is and how much he has harmed people. But he will. Alcoholics hide and bury stuff. That does not mean that stuff disappears. There is karma. There is justice. There is "it comes back tenfold". In hurting others, they hurt themselves the most.
I agree it sucks to grieve someone, and then see him smiling having a ball. Its madness. I try to imagine he is the evil twin.
I think that if we can let go of an alcoholic, under these circumstances, we will be able to let go of anyone else in our life. Huge huge lesson on letting go and trusting HP. Sometimes its too much. And sometimes, oh glory, I do not run into F. at all.
Someday I will be indifferent to him. It will be a wonderful day.
I agree HP should send us a videotape where we see the Ex alcoholics walking alone, coming back from the party, noticing their "friends" are nowhere around and they are just drink buddies, waking up alone after abusing the new person... I would like to know what he thinks or feels about me now...
The truth for me is that he is an active alcoholic, so he is porbably thinking "not a drinker? good she is out of my life. she was an obstacle".
Until he reaches his own bottom, no F, just alcohol, and whoever supports it. No trace of the wonderful man before this. The Nth victim of alcoholism.
Sometimes, you know, I just feel glad I was able to step back from hell. Sometimes I think "perhaps this hell is really paradise?". Being lonely, grieving, etc. is nothing compared to the loneliness of seeing the guy you love being killed slowly and mercilessly by addiction.
When I do not find rest for my mind, I just ask HP to take care of EVERYTHING. Then I go to sleep...
Sorry for rambling!! You guys rule... we will trascend this, you'll see.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
bearfeet-
sometimes, i find myself wondering how my ABF can feel so little?
but then i remember that i feel things because i am sober.
and he doesn't feel everything because he is drinking and numbing himself with alcohol.
naive
sometimes, i find myself wondering how my ABF can feel so little?
but then i remember that i feel things because i am sober.
and he doesn't feel everything because he is drinking and numbing himself with alcohol.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by bearfeet
Anyway his Bail Conditions state that he is not to contact me in anyway or come to my house (
I don't know how things work over there but if he keeps showing up in places you woul normally not see him, you might want to see it they will put a stronger restriction on him. It could be considered harrassment or intimidation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
bearfeet,
i live in the uk also and i believe that if we go and see our gp, we can be assigned an addiction counselor. i plan on doing this when i get back, just to be able to work thru some of my damage/anger/resentment at being used and manipulated by my ABF.
have you considered seeking out a counselor/therapist? i find that when i speak to my friends and family, they don't really understand.
i live in the uk also and i believe that if we go and see our gp, we can be assigned an addiction counselor. i plan on doing this when i get back, just to be able to work thru some of my damage/anger/resentment at being used and manipulated by my ABF.
have you considered seeking out a counselor/therapist? i find that when i speak to my friends and family, they don't really understand.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
