logan77

hi,

I'm in over my head. I fell in love with an addict, unknown to me.
We hit it off so well, lived together and...BOOM. one night she took off!
came home 4am. We talked. she apparently had a few drinks, and agreed it wouldn't happen again. it didn't.
ok, isolated incident?


fast forward...didn't come home at all and confessed to SMOKING CRACK(worst off, she has a bum heart valve!).
drinking all night. I had to throw her out. stuck to my guns. we agreed no drama. what would I be teaching her if I became a door mat?
I called her mother, I worked with her HARD. took her to the medical center for help. stepped back for a few days, 3. needed help myself and then the day comes I'm calmer to visit....she's gone!
disappeared for 10 days. I took the high road: went to the cops to file missing persons.
her mom confessed to me: she has a history of dope, alcohol, and running off.
wish I was properly informed before we got serious. her mother KNEW this.

well, I took the high road, emailed her, she came home. We talked. I got her to rehab. she did AMAZING. worked her butt off for 30 days. docs said they honestly hadn't seen that type of dedication in a while. we agreed, for every progress she made, I would let a boundrary go down.
she was very compliant. we spent 3 days together, hiking, cooking, etc. total heaven. we went to 3 meetings together in 3 days. she spoke, cried, took numbers, tried to get a sponsor.
then....the ONE day I don't see her....she takes off! she's been missing since Sunday. lied to her grandma, snuck out a drink, and off she went. she was SUPPPOSEDLY taking meds that would make her very sick if she drank.

here is what I KNOW.

1. her affection for me is 100% seperate from her addiction. it has NOTHING to do if I was a bad boyfriend etc.

2. She had undiagnosed chemical imbalance. she took it seriously and immediately went on Abilify. docs said it was a world of difference in 4 days flat.

3. unknown to her, alcoholism was in her family.

4. lying to ourselves about our TRUE affections(YES, I know she does, one cannot fake a beating heart, trust me) for each other resulted in her being frightened and engaging in usage to try and forget the pain when I threw her out. I didn't function well, too. we came clean about how we felt.
YES, I believe her affection. NO, I know for a fact her running away isn't done to intentionally hurt me. everyone remarks about the affection being geniune. can't fool doctors with decades of experience...

5. I go to ALA-NON FOR ME, not for her.

6. anything I say or do at this point does not matter. she has got to make the journey alone.

7. she willfully puts herself in danger. she uses to numb past trauma in her life. not so much for pleasure. 3 different docs. concluded this.
I believe them

8. I cannot have a 100% functional relationship with her until she cleans up. consistently...

9. I cannot care for someone that does not care about themselves.

10. I'm scared TOO DEATH that she might not make it out alive this time cuz the shame and guilt are at an all-time high for her.

11. she's not ready to get clean.

what I don't know:

1. how to detatch with love and not feel guilt if GOD FORBId something happened

2. how to stop myself from being Charles Bronson and hunting these low lives down.

3. how to admit I care this much, cuz I do, but calmly put it to the side and focus better on me. I can focus, but only to some xtent.

4. sever all ties, except receiving letters from her until she's clean for a consistent amount of time.

5. ever even feel like bothering to trust her again....self-preservation.

6. Humbly admitting in the 5 months we've been together: she's had 4 episodes in 5 months.

7. scared to accept perhaps some people do drugs all their lives.

8. her mom is wrapped up in her new life with her soon to be hubby and doesn't want her daughter moving back. she has no place to go! her grandma was nice enough to take her back twice already.
she cannot live with me, not healthy for either of us right now.

9. how to cope with the fact she was a stripper years ago and scared what she might do now for $ and dope. she has little employment history and she's broke.


any advice is welcome. please, don't name call or use told you so language. it will only compound the issue. I came her for help.

thanks!

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Logan)))

Welcome. Read around - especially the stickies at the top. No one around here calls anyone names or says "I told you so" - there is no purpose in that, we are here to help each other.

You know a lot - knowing what you don't know is important too. You have a mission statement going here. The face-to-face meetings will help you a lot. There are books - Melodie Beattie has several that most of us have read, that could help with what you are asking, especially the detaching with love. We all do it differently, but it is something we all grapple with at one time or another.

Time. Take a breath. You're on your way to answering the questions you have.

I'm sorry for what brought you here, but you have found a very good place. A lot of ES&H (Experience, Strength & Hope) is shared here!

Angelic17

logan, you seem to understand the situation very well, it is up to her to stop using. There is nothing you can do to stop her. She has to want to get clean and straight. Unfortunately, great people, with alot of love in their hearts, have the disease of addiction. Pray for her. Sounds to me like you have already done enough for her. If anything bad happens to her, it's not your fault. There are mother's that can't save their kids on this site. Naranon teaches that it's not your fault. The 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Its up to her, and GOD. It's between them, and it always will be. You might need to move on. You seem like a great guy, But, you can't save her honey. Go to a Naranon meeting, and listen in. Unfortunately when you love someone, it's not like you can just shut your love off with a switch. Hang around, more people will post advice.

jerect

Welcome to SR

What you said is very true

but you hit the nail on the head with this quote.. You may not ever have a functional relationship with her but you can have one with yourself.

Your going to Alanon and Naranon.. thats a great start.. please keep going no matter what happens between you and your girlfriend.

We have all been in your shoes one way or the other.. I could sit here and tell you to cut your losses and run for the hills but thats not for me to tell you.. one way or the other you will have to figure out if that is the thing that you need to do..

For now, I would enforce a total No contact rule with her for the sake of your own sanity. Being away from the situation might help you gain better clairity on what to do. You already know that you can't fix her and that she is the one that has to want to get clean.. Your hands are virtually tied.. believe me I know how painful this is..

Continue to go to your meetings and keep positing here.. someone will be along after me to perhaps offer you some better advice then I can..

Impurrfect

(((Logan77))

Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm a recovering crack addict. I also left my bf, who I love, because he continues to use, and my stepmom is addicted to pain pills, so I know BOTH sides of addiction.

You do know a lot, and I'm glad you've come here. This is a place filled with some terrific, compassionate people who know what you're going through.

I had to cut all ties with my bf, because it jeopardized MY recovery. It was hard, but it was something I had to do. I have seen him a few times since..unfortunately, one of those times is when I relapsed 2 years ago. He is one of those, I think, who will do crack forever. I've had to accept that. I write to him (he's in jail again) and I tell him of MY life in recovery, I don't send him money, and I don't listen to his "I promise I'll get clean" stuff...heard it too many times before. I DO believe he loves me, but it's not enough.

As far as what she may do to get drugs, I did it. I'm not proud of it, in any way, but it is a reality when it comes to crack. Some women don't go that far, but a lot do. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. I was a highly certified RN before I discovered crack...that's how much of a hold it got on me.

People who have bipolar or other mental illnesses who don't take their meds and are addicts are self-medicating. They don't like what their minds are doing, so they do more drugs. It's a viscious cycle. Again, there is nothing you can do about it.

Going to al anon, and coming here will help you, tremendously. No matter what, it's going to hurt. FWIW, I think you have a really good idea of what is going on, and what to do for you.

One more thing..we talk about the 3 c's here...you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't change it.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

breakingfree88

First off, welcome. I hope you'll find the help and support you're looking for here at SR.
Second, I'm going to tell you like I wish someone had told me when I discovered that I loved a crackhead, so take what you need and leave the rest.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I saw a problem with you saying "for progress she made, I would let a boundary down". Our boundaries should never go down! In fact, when in a relationship with a recovering addict, we should take the opportunity to strengthen and reinforce our boundaries. We'll need it!
I see several times in your post where you mention that you "took the high road". Where I live, that means that we chose the better decision over a poorer one, despite justification for making the poor decision.
When loving addicts, it is easy to see everywhere that they go wrong and compare their bad decisions to our 'good decisions'.
We have to be careful not to take another's inventory or look down our nose at them. We're not helping anyone when we judge and "take the high road". If we're feeling like that, it is prob. our heart screaming for us to step back and detach.

It sounds to me like your partner does not truly want recovery. It looks like she's doing it for you/your relationship. BUT...assuming she goes against the odds and finds recovery WHILE living up to/maintaining a romantic relationship, there's still things about her/her past that you don't accept.
There's a saying in AA. "A sober horse thief is still a horse thief." (Not comparing stripping to being a thief! Everyone has the right to whatever makes them happy as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else...sex workers included )
So, saying she gets clean, if you don't like the person she was, she's still that person and always will be. her past is not something for YOU to cope with or GET OVER. You love her for who she is today, not who she was OR who she could be.
Today, she's a crack addict. Today, she has forgone recovery in favor of drugs. Today, you are torn up over her.
Is that OK with you?
If not, you've got 5 months in this.
Love yourself...and get out.


Love,
Me

cece1960

Welcome Logan
We don't shoot our wounded here.
You have given much thought to what she is feeling and experiencing...I think we all try to better understand our loved ones that suffer.

But now may the perfect time to concentrate what you need in your life, to heal and to really embrace the fact that this is out of your control.

This may take time, and you may only feel baby steps at first, but with some hard work, the first thought of your day may just start being about you, rather than her.
Stick around, read around...
(((Hugs)))

gowest

Being in love with an addict is really really hard and many of us have been or "are" there in one form another.

Yes, he loves me, but not enough. It helps me to remember that the way I feel about him, the intensity, the passion, the love, he really only feels that for himself and the drugs.

I write my addict emails that I don't send. I have a lot to say that I never was able to say to his face. It helps me, I don't know if it would help you. It helps get the running conversation I have with him out of my head so I can focus on myself.

I'll always cherish the times I had with him when he was "in recovery", they were beautiful.

Hang in there, it does get better, slowly.

bluejay6

oh logan, things got deep and painful fast, didn't they? and in only five months. but that seems to happen often when we fall in love with addicts. maybe it's because addiction is so diabolical in its intent, and everything tales on a life-or-death intensity.

she came into your life in her chemical insanity. and now you are feeling insane yourself (in spite of your intellectual knowledge about addiction). we really do become lost in their storm.

if you want to remain in relationship with her IN YOUR HEART, then the best thing you can do for the relationship is go to nar-anon, or to al-anon if nar-anon is not nearby.

we have a responsibility....if we are going to step into an addict's life, recovering or otherwise....we have a responsibility to do our part to battle the disease. that responsibility means that we go to our own recovery meetings and our own counselors and we take care of our side of the street.

so...just trying to set boundaries and have calculated reactions to her behavior as you joust with her disease is just not enough. you need support, you need recovery. because the addiction has now infected you.

i agree that it would be best to withdraw from communication with her, even if it means changing phone numbers, changing the locks, etc. crack addicts steal. they become violent. their friends are thieves and criminals. do not underestimate the world you are about to open your life to.

it is true she will probably get drugs by doing anything and everything to secure them. so don't underestimate that, either, nor your risk of serious disease if you ever sleep with her again.

it is true that she is not ready to get clean.

it is true that you cannot save her from death or degradation because short of chaining her to a wall, nothing will stop her.

it is also true that if you keep holding her hand through the using and the recovery, she will not find her own two feet. the people she needs in her life are recovering addicts and addiction counselors. any other relationship--a love relationship--is a distraction from the serious need to save her own life.

i would give it two years. can you wait that long? few can, but if you want to wait for her life to bottom out, and for her to claw her way to recovery, and for her to find some sanity and dignity again....then i would give it two years.

i know it's hard. the days are hard and long and we wonder and wonder what are they doing, where are they, and why are we not enough. why are they not here with us, loving us passionately and with deep commitment.

so it is very very very hard, when you are deeply in love with someone who is having a passionate love affair with dope instead of with you. it hurts and it's lonely and it makes us nauseous and nervous and depressed.

what will you do with your part in this? what action will you take now? how will you do battle with the disease which has infected you?

i hope you choose the recovery path. so glad you are here. information, specific horror stories, and stories of resurrection....keep reading. every day. and check for nar-anon locally. they'll be so glad to see you, too. they will help you heal.

rozied

Dear Logan, I see myself in your post but that was many yrs ago. My ex was a Compulsive Gambler. I loved him so much. I married him when I was 18. Left 9 times then finally divorced cuz of pressure from my parents. After 2yrs apart we remarried. He was clean for 2yrs then OTB opened. I finally left for good when I was 27.
I stayed alone 10yrs then remarried. We will be married 25yrs in Nov.
About 8mts ago my ex called me after 25+yrs. It seems he went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean & sober until he was 58yrs old.
I am sure glad I ended it when I did but it has deeply affected my 2 sons The older one has been addicted to coke since he was 21. ( he is now 42 ) The younger one is a single dad of 2 young sons.
How do you get over someone you love that you know is in no way abel to have a relationship? Fo me putting physical space btw us helped alot. Keep your focus on yourself & KNOW that nothing you can do or say will make any difference. You cannot save someone from themself. Another big help in ending it was I didn't like the person I was becoming living with him. His behaviour brought out the worst in me. ( throwing his clothes out the door, unable to concentrate on my own life worrying where he was etc etc ) Real love brings out the best in you.
Really think about saving yourself. You are not yet married and don't have any children. Children are deeply hurt when they have an addicted parent.

splendra

Is she a minor? The reason I ask is because it seems like you are taking an awful lot of responsibility for her...

SnowLeopard

Be careful.

A lot of people suffering from personality disorders (including antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and sociopathy) also use drugs in a dependent way. Personality disorders and substance abuse are frequently comorbid. In the experience of the 12 steppers most substance users have massive personality flaws, in addition to the substance use.

A lot of people involved with substance users want to believe that their loved one (child, girlfriend, parent) is the exception, and that when the drugging or drinking stops everything will be just peachy. I have double digit sobriety in AA. In my experience, I've never met an exception. After the drinking and drugging stop, we can get better and become worthwhile girlfriends, lovers, friends, etc. We have to a lot of work to do, though, to learn to live on the planet with other people.

You're the only who can decide how much effort you want to put into your relationship with your girlfriend and much bad behavior you're willing to take from her. Don't be ashamed if you decide to walk away from the relationship. It's not your failure. It's hers.

bluejay6

welcome snow leopard and thank you for your input. a very good point often forgotten by those made crazy by addicts. indeed there is oftentimes a personality disorder underneath which really makes our world totally totally surreal.

i have seen addicts in recovery put up with a lot of sh** from newly recovering addicts because they thought they should suspend judgment toward a fellow sufferer, etc, as that person struggled toward sobriety.

as a result, the newly recovering addict with a personality disorder underneath got away with some awful behavior which damaged a lot of people because fellow addicts were trying to love the person until "he/she loved themselves."

so the point is a good one here....hope it helps logan out.

welcome to the boards.

logan77

Thanks for all the online support. I have massive strength, and good judgment. My family has xperienced the death of a child, a rape, etc. and I came out of it stronger and wiser than ever. but painful endurance ain't much to be proud of.
this is different. I can survive...however, my feelings do run deep. BUT I'm in a relationship ALONE. makes no sense. I'm doing all the work.

what I know is...she's a liar. what I know is...she HAS to be degrading herself to get dope. what I know is....

1. she wan an un-wanted pregnancy. her mom was never married to her father. they never stayed together.

2. she had her daughter at the same age as her mother had her!
the father of her child tried to kill her! she still stayed with him. he raped her sister and he had to get deported.

3. her step dad was abusive. she asked her mom many times to leave him, she did not. finally, her mother did, but her mom has another daughter STILL living with this abusive man. go figure...why allow it if you saw what it did to your other child?

4. she started smoking pot daily at 13. she QUIT. permanently. she does have the power to quit things, ya know...

5. she used to be a stripper

6. she purposely lived with a faithful club patron and they did drugs together on a daily basis. they hate each other, but she did sleep with him. she has no kind words about him, and scarily enough, she said he reminds her of her stepdad.

7. she has a history of running away and going on binges. no, she has no history of ever stealing $ from family and friends. this is good....

8. she totally planned this recent binge. sadly, she informed her sister of it in advance, her sis didn't call or tell anybody. smart, huh?
further sadness, I spent all day and night with my gal, she could've told me she had urges etc.

9. once left her child alone, unattended. her mother got a court order of protection and the child was taken away! sadly, she wasn't drunk, high or anything. she figured her mom was due to arrive any minute so she went out. not even to get dope etc. to go for a walk and get out of the house! something wrong there....

10. all she has is a GED. No social or academic high school experiences to speak of.

11. Gifted artist and throws it all away.

12. missed her young daughter growing up. I always wondered, does she know her first words? does she know about her first tooth? depressing....

so, ALA-NON was very helpful today. THEY ALL told me to leave. permanently. they said nothing good can come of this. they've seen it before. her doc off the record said to run like hell in the opposite direction.

I must sever ties out of love. this cycle cannot go on any longer. she needs to go out of state for 6 month+ treatment. it's a long journey. perhaps I can be around when there is CONSISTENT sobriety.
this is all very embarassing. I don't feel used. just forgotten.
being forgotten is truly the final death.

Serenity Bound

Logan, You do know quite alot about her. What you really need to focus on is that she is NOT doing this to hurt you, it's NOT about you at all. It's all about the drugs. Such a sad life our addicts live. Missing the really important things in life, wish we could love them clean, but we can't.

Sending you hugs & prayers.

logan77

oh, I took all my stuff out of her room. sent intense letters, one angry one, and left them along with pics of us on her empty dresser.
I found the empty beer bottle, too. left it on her dresser with the AA keychain around it.

I feel loneliness!
I feel anger!
I feel sadness...
I feel powerless....but not powerless enough to ignore my OWN LIFE.
I owe myself more than this right now.

let her experience true emptiness. I visited rehab every day. we spoke on the phone at length. we exchanged beautiful letters, letters I haven't gotten of that type in years.

if she calls. I will ignore, or quickly pick up and tell her to call her mom and then hang up. let her mom get back in the swing of things and pick her up.
I got her into rehab, I helped have her clean for the longest time she ever had in her life. time for her mom to step back in. her grandma is getting ill over this and cannot do it anymore.

wish me luck on my job interviews. I gotta go on...with a heavy heart. she will one day follow the light I will leave shining. should I decide to do so.

YOU ALL are great in your own way. don't leave me know, if I tire any one out, I will cease posting and understand.

splendra

With all the respect and love I have to ask how you know what this person needs? To you it may seem like she is at a bottom but she may not be at her bottom yet. It is not up to us to decide what they need.

You most likely will not be able to stop her. You are not God. Stop yourself if you can and ask God to help you cause it takes more than human strength and love to make an addict stop. We are addicts too ya know that don't you? You get over your addiction to her and if you can be very grateful cause it ain't easy for us either as I am sure you are beginning to find out.((((((((BIGHUGS))))))

Serenity Bound

Lots of luck coming your way for the job interviews.

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris

logan77

not to be smug but I know more about her than her own family. honest. her confessions to me they don't know but should....
lastly, if all her dope hangouts are in ny and close to where she resided at her gram's...out of state treatment is needed.

she's in my thoughts, even she doesn't deserve to know this right now

splendra

You are the one we are concerned about. Tell us about who you are. We want to hear your story.

I really do know what you are going thru. I hate it for you. We all know that addicts suffer and they do some very hurtful things I have several addicts in my life 3 are my siblings 1 is my husband.

You are suffering too and you don't have any medicine like she does. We all are in different phases of learning that we cannot be the one who decides when the addict in our lives gets clean. We all have horror stories.

I think we are in the most pain when we search for help for them. We don't want to feel our own pain so we focus on theirs.