ICant

I haven't posted for a while because things have been stable but I want to take stock. AH is in AA and I'm in Al-Anon. It is early sobriety for him (3months). I'm holding on to the advice of no major changes in the first year. In the past when I was in denial of the problem, we had agreed on trying for a third child. NOW, frankly I would want a couple of years of sobriety before that happened and by that time it will be a little late in the day for me to be trying. Really, the upshot is that we will not have any more children.

The other thing was that we agreed when my job contract ended we would move to a rural area. There is no way I want that now because I will lose my support network.

The title is Trust because deep down I don't trust him not to ever drink again and I make my decisions accordingly. This isn't stopping me from enjoying life so mentally I feel healthy. What I struggle with is that marriage is a partnership and the situations above are examples of decisions that are long term. I can't see how the One Day At A Time philosophy to life fits in with huge changes.

LaTeeDa

So then the question becomes "what do you want?" Do you want to spend the rest of your life (or even the next year) with someone you don't trust? Your decision, your choice.

L

Bernadette

I can't see how the One Day At A Time philosophy to life fits in with huge changes.

One Day at a Time is a strength builder for me. It does not replace long term planning or goal-setting or decision making. It gives me the strength to roll with the inevitable changes that occur even in my long-term plans.

Situations change, economies change, fertility changes, minds change....when I am worrying or freaking out over these changes or tough decisions I can remind myself that I only have to take the steps I have laid out for myself today. Just this one day at a time...and if I change my plans or my mind - that is Ok too- but then I can only walk that walk one day at a time as well...

It keeps me grounded in the here and now - today - and if for example - today I realize that living with someone who I believe I cannot trust is unacceptable to me, then I can make a plan to get myself out of an unacceptable situation, and I can execute that plan: one day at a time!!

It's a blancing act no question! And it isn't easy what you're struggling with. (((((hugs)))))
b

GiveLove

Choosing to stay with a known alcoholic/addict does not come free.

The price you pay is always - forever - needing to be prepared for a relapse should it occur. This could mean making appropriate decisions, as you are. Or it could mean amassing enough money, personal strength, and recovery to handle it, should the unthinkable happen (one day at a time).

I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry. It's just the reality of addiction.

Barbara52

So is it possible for you to stay in a marriage where trust has been destroyed?

If not, what do you want to do?

If so, well, all choices have consequences, good and bad. Perhaps you do give up on dreams of having a 3rd child (although women have babies at "advanced" ages these days). Perhaps it means you don't move to where you had wanted to move. Are those consequences something you can live with?


It doesn't. One day at a time is for dealing with the daily "stuff" that is in our path, for dealing with the immediate effects of someting It does not refer to give up on setting and working toward long terms goals.