Stuck

Old 04-01-2009, 07:36 AM
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Question Stuck

ABF and I talked about beer again last night and again this morning. He likes to blame my feelings on the matter on my history with my mom and my struggles with her drinking.

This morning I said: What if this isn't about my mom, what if this is just about you. How about I think you drink too much.

To which he replied: I'm willing to work with that, we can get through that and work on it.

What does that even mean?

He's molding me into the enabler he needs me to be, yeah?

This is all coming about because I'm supposed to be signing my divorce papers in an hour, my x was a verbal abuser who has undergone therapy and is consistent with meds and is actively trying to reconcile with me.

ABF knows some small part of me thinks about reconciling and that the thought is driven by the only conflict we have: beer.

Now I'm just flat out confused. I have a 2 year old daughter with my x and although I don't feel like I love him like I did.. it may be worth trying again now that he's been in therapy for almost a year.

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Old 04-01-2009, 08:04 AM
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It's not about beer. Beer is a fizzy yellow liquid sitting in a glass.

It's about his lack of control over alcohol, and his lousy treatment of you for a long time.

If he was truly willing to work this out, he would've already. You have tried, and it has failed. This is last-ditch quacking, and i think you know that.

How about you sign the papers and worry about WHO you're going to choose to be with later. You don't need to jump from one moving bus onto another. You can stroll around a bit in between, can't you?
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Old 04-01-2009, 08:28 AM
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Cherie,

Hi. From your brief post I am wondering why you are considering either relationship right now. Perhaps, you might consider being with your daughter and the two of you establishing a healthy househodl without the drama and chaos of these two men.

If you want to be with one of them after they are sober, recovered, healthier, then why not wait until they are like that before you get/stay involved.
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Old 04-01-2009, 08:29 AM
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I'm willing to work with that, we can get through that and work on it.

What does that even mean?


That means he is NOT willing to work with you in the way you'd like!!

It means he is saying just enough to get you off his back...I mean I am an optimist but how you feel about what he says or how you wish things would be is irrelevant: behavior tells you all you need to know.

I agree with everyone above--when you are ready to believe it you'll see that the world is full of endless possibilities for you and your life-- and it has NOTHING to do with which guy you choose!!!!!!!

Are you getting some counseling or attending AlAnon at all cherie? It's good to have face to face help with this stuff!

peace,
b
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Old 04-01-2009, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
It's about his lack of control over alcohol, and his lousy treatment of you for a long time.
I do have to correct this statement- he really is very good to me. He's never been disrespectful or name calling like my x was daily. He's kind and passionate, he is committed and great with my kids. When I say outside of the drinking, we really have a perfect fit, it's true. Otherwise this decision would be really easy. The times when I've posted about his drinking behavior, it's been because I'm pissed that he's drinking, but his behavior isn't "different". He's one of those fully functioning A's.

I don't think going back to my x is the right option. I know he's better and that he'd also treat me well now, but there is no connection, no spark.

I'm really prone to bolting at the first sign of rough water. I don't finish many things. Half of my personality traits point to codie, the other half point to a non-committal portion of me that blocks out accepting other people because of my childhood.

I am in counseling and am trying to work towards a better me.

If it makes a difference, I have been looking at renting a house alone. I know I have a furnished house sitting empty, but it's 2 hours away from my children's school and father.. and I'm out of work right now.

*sigh*

Can't there be an easy answer? Flip a coin? Sit tight until I stop waffling?
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Old 04-01-2009, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by SleepyCherie View Post
I am in counseling and am trying to work towards a better me.
The funny thing for me was no matter what I did, counseling, my 12 step meetings, etc etc etc, until I made a firm commitment to no more relationships, period while I was working on that 'better' me, well, you get the idea.

I say keep doing what you're doing. It's obviously working for you, no?

I did, until I got tired of beating my head against the wall. I don't think you're there yet, but I could be wrong.
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