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Coming in waves

Old 04-01-2009, 04:15 AM
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Coming in waves

As much as I'm feeling a bit better, I've been getting waves of anxiety and worry that I won't be able to stay sober.
I been taking some medication (clonidine) for my cravings but what my spaced out doctor forgot to tell me is that it can be very addictive. So I've started to ween off of them slowly. Thankfully he gave me a low dose of them so it won't be so bad. I hate the feeling of being numb and that's how the clonidine makes me feel. Even though I'd drink beer to numb myself, at least in the morning I could feel again.
I haven't cried in about a week. I need to cry. If I don't let emotion out of any kind then I'm just going to turn into a little ball of stress and then one day explode on to the wrong person or someone I care about.
I'm praying a lot lately and as soon as I ask for help it actually seems to work and I'll feel a little bit better and I guess just that little bit helps me through the day.
I'm so tired and bored but I've managed to keep my head above water and not go crazy I just feel a little crazy sometimes Lol
My mom has been an awesome support I don't know what I'd do with out her.
Love you so much mom
So I've been having some good distractions and some bad ones too.
I know I've said this before and I don't want anyone to take it the wrong way but I've found for myself that there can be a lot of drama in AA meetings especially the ones I've been going to lately and that's what turned me off the first go around. But now there's something different in me like I've put myself in this protective bubble cause lately when I have been faced with any kind of drama in AA, or my ex boyfriend coming to my door late at night stinking of booze, or calling me late at night trying to tell me how I should live my life LOL! I just didn't let it bother me. I think it has to do with all the praying
I have a nice list of peoples numbers and emails from old friends from the rooms of AA and I'm getting less shy and insecure but I don't want to go to far with the feeling good cause every time I do it starts to scare me.
I feel like happiness can be just as progressive on its own just as much as alcoholism can be. And that's good nice and slow this process, as much as I'm getting antsy.
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Old 04-01-2009, 04:41 AM
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(((Kat)))

You are sounding SO much better. I'm glad you are aware that you need to cry and are weaning yourself from the clonidine. When my mom died, years ago (I wasn't an addict then), everyone tried to give me valium I KNEW I had to get through my feelings then, or everything would just come back to bite me later, and it would be even worse.

I know praying helps me a lot. There are days, I do it over and over...sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it, since most of my prayers are more like "chats". Early in recovery, I also started saying "Thank you", every time any little good thing would happen or something would make me smile...made me more aware of what I had to be grateful for, and that has helped my recovery a LOT.

I think the antsy feelings are normal, and you are doing very well at working through them.

So glad your mom is there for you, but then she's a pretty special lady with a pretty special daughter!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-01-2009, 04:57 AM
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Kat,

It's so good to see you hear, and I think the ups and downs and emotions you're feeling are part of the early recovery process. You will learn how to express your emotions in an appropriate way, you really will.

And, wow, you are sounding like you've come through to the other side and beginning to feel the recovery process in your life. I am so glad you are learning how to protect yourself and take care of yourself, while still taking in what you want to. And, I have found, that one positive change in life, often leads directly to other changes.

I'm proud of you, Kat!
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