At a complete loss, don't know what to feel anymore.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
At a complete loss, don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't even know where to start with this. I read a post on here a little bit ago about someone called their employee assistance program for a counselor and was told she'd get a call by 5 the following evening. But she wanted to talk now, not at 5 tomorrow. That she may not have the courage to reach out tomorrow when they call. I could write the exact same thing. I have picked up the phone before. I have dialed the number. But I've never actually called. And then I lose the strength, the courage, the desire to call again.
Same goes with the number my boss gave me a couple weeks ago. My ABF was drunker than usual. And I was upset with it. I'm tired of it. Tired of listening to it and living with it. He came in with a bottle of home-brewed moonshine the neighbor made. Beer is bad enough, liquor is worse. He's a totally different person. He scares the crap out of me. So when he went outside, I poured it down the drain. After he found the empty bottle, it wasn't but an hour later someone called the sheriff and I was escorted off the property (for my own safety).
Working for my local PD, it wasn't long before my boss found out about it. And he basically made me call a local women's shelter. I put it off for a couple days. Pretended that everything was okay. Then he called me into his office one day after everyone left. Dialed the phone, handed it to me and walked out. He called the shelter for me. I talked to the lady for a little bit and she gave me another number to call. They were already closed so I wrote it down. Three days later, I hadn't called yet so once again I get called into his office, he dialed and left the room. Once again, no answer. I put the number in my desk.
It's been two weeks now. Things have gotten better, I guess. I'm still angry, in a sense. He thinks he did nothing wrong. He called me every name in the book, threatened my life, my kids, my sister, my co-workers, my dogs. Hit me with the liquor bottle. Pushed me over once. Says it was my fault. He was just trying to drink in peace, alone. But I pushed him by asking what was wrong and trying to get him to talk to me.
But that's stopped now. We haven't really fought since then. I've wanted to a couple times. Once he was hollering and screaming at me on the phone. I nearly told him I'd love to talk to him but he can call me when he's sober. But I bit my tongue. Took what he said with a grain of salt. And there have been three days now that's the way it's been--just smile, grin and bare it.
Don't get me wrong, the thought of wanting to leave still crosses my mind. I still think about it, still want it. But with the sunnier days we've had, actually putting the plan in motion has stopped. I've lost the desire, the strength, the courage.
I'm so afraid to stay but terrified to leave!!!! I feel like my emotions are on an up and down roller coaster ride and I can't find the carny to shut the damn ride off!
I keep thinking that he's my best friend. Underneath the drunk is the man I fell in love with. The man I want to be with. And I know that if I leave, I will lose him. I'll lose the chance of ever having that person again. I just want him so bad. And then I think this mean, aggressive, abusive person I know right now isn't really HIM......it's the A in him. It's the disease. So if I choose to leave then aren't I leaving him because of some disease? How awful a person am I if I leave someone because of a disease!!!
I took an "am I in an abusive relationship" quiz online a couple weeks ago. I scored an 81. The advice was to leave, for my own health and safety. It said that nothing will change and it will only continue to get worse.
Huff....next website, next similar quiz.
Same results.
Screw them....next one.
Might as well flashed up on my screen "get out girl".
Doesn't matter what website I go to, what quiz I take, what I read, who I talk to. It's always the same--get out and get out now.
HE is not abusive. The A him IS. So if I leave, I'm leaving someone because of a disease. So again, what kind of person does that make me?
Same goes with the number my boss gave me a couple weeks ago. My ABF was drunker than usual. And I was upset with it. I'm tired of it. Tired of listening to it and living with it. He came in with a bottle of home-brewed moonshine the neighbor made. Beer is bad enough, liquor is worse. He's a totally different person. He scares the crap out of me. So when he went outside, I poured it down the drain. After he found the empty bottle, it wasn't but an hour later someone called the sheriff and I was escorted off the property (for my own safety).
Working for my local PD, it wasn't long before my boss found out about it. And he basically made me call a local women's shelter. I put it off for a couple days. Pretended that everything was okay. Then he called me into his office one day after everyone left. Dialed the phone, handed it to me and walked out. He called the shelter for me. I talked to the lady for a little bit and she gave me another number to call. They were already closed so I wrote it down. Three days later, I hadn't called yet so once again I get called into his office, he dialed and left the room. Once again, no answer. I put the number in my desk.
It's been two weeks now. Things have gotten better, I guess. I'm still angry, in a sense. He thinks he did nothing wrong. He called me every name in the book, threatened my life, my kids, my sister, my co-workers, my dogs. Hit me with the liquor bottle. Pushed me over once. Says it was my fault. He was just trying to drink in peace, alone. But I pushed him by asking what was wrong and trying to get him to talk to me.
But that's stopped now. We haven't really fought since then. I've wanted to a couple times. Once he was hollering and screaming at me on the phone. I nearly told him I'd love to talk to him but he can call me when he's sober. But I bit my tongue. Took what he said with a grain of salt. And there have been three days now that's the way it's been--just smile, grin and bare it.
Don't get me wrong, the thought of wanting to leave still crosses my mind. I still think about it, still want it. But with the sunnier days we've had, actually putting the plan in motion has stopped. I've lost the desire, the strength, the courage.
I'm so afraid to stay but terrified to leave!!!! I feel like my emotions are on an up and down roller coaster ride and I can't find the carny to shut the damn ride off!
I keep thinking that he's my best friend. Underneath the drunk is the man I fell in love with. The man I want to be with. And I know that if I leave, I will lose him. I'll lose the chance of ever having that person again. I just want him so bad. And then I think this mean, aggressive, abusive person I know right now isn't really HIM......it's the A in him. It's the disease. So if I choose to leave then aren't I leaving him because of some disease? How awful a person am I if I leave someone because of a disease!!!
I took an "am I in an abusive relationship" quiz online a couple weeks ago. I scored an 81. The advice was to leave, for my own health and safety. It said that nothing will change and it will only continue to get worse.
Huff....next website, next similar quiz.
Same results.
Screw them....next one.
Might as well flashed up on my screen "get out girl".
Doesn't matter what website I go to, what quiz I take, what I read, who I talk to. It's always the same--get out and get out now.
HE is not abusive. The A him IS. So if I leave, I'm leaving someone because of a disease. So again, what kind of person does that make me?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There is no excuse for abuse, alcoholic or not.
I was beaten for 5 years. My bar of standards got lower and lower, and every time he got done with me, I was convinced I deserved it.
My oldest daughter got to live 5 of her first 8 years in that hell. She can't remember a lot of it because it's blocked out of her memory.
She's 31 years old now, active alcoholic/addict, and 'in love' with a convicted child molester currently in the penitentiary.
You won't get a medal for staying with him because he's an alcoholic. You'll most likely get 'dead'.
I was lucky to get out alive.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
I was beaten for 5 years. My bar of standards got lower and lower, and every time he got done with me, I was convinced I deserved it.
My oldest daughter got to live 5 of her first 8 years in that hell. She can't remember a lot of it because it's blocked out of her memory.
She's 31 years old now, active alcoholic/addict, and 'in love' with a convicted child molester currently in the penitentiary.
You won't get a medal for staying with him because he's an alcoholic. You'll most likely get 'dead'.
I was lucky to get out alive.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If you leave (and yes, that sounds like a wise thing to do), you are leaving the abuser, not the sober man he used to be. Don't fool yourself into thinking he is not responsible for his choice to drink, his choice to be abusive, simply because he is an alcoholic. Yes, its a disease but one that does not absolve him of responsibility for his choice and behaviors. He is not a helpless victim. He could choose to seek sobriety. He could choose not to abuse you. THe disease does not force him to be abusive. He chooses to do that.
What kind of a person does it make you if you leave an abusive relationship? A person who cares about themself, a person who knows they don't deserve abuse.
Does that mean you don't care about him? Nope, not at all. It only shows you care for yourself.
Only he can decide to do something abour his alcoholism. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.
You can choose to act in your own best interests and protect you life. Women die every day from doestic violence. You recognize you are in danger. Please leave before it turns to physical violence! It happens all the time. Very recently to one of our posters. She know bears the scars of her attack.
What makes you feel terrified to leave? What is it that is holding you back?
What kind of a person does it make you if you leave an abusive relationship? A person who cares about themself, a person who knows they don't deserve abuse.
Does that mean you don't care about him? Nope, not at all. It only shows you care for yourself.
Only he can decide to do something abour his alcoholism. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.
You can choose to act in your own best interests and protect you life. Women die every day from doestic violence. You recognize you are in danger. Please leave before it turns to physical violence! It happens all the time. Very recently to one of our posters. She know bears the scars of her attack.
What makes you feel terrified to leave? What is it that is holding you back?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 46
When's the last time you went to the store and picked up a bottle of Cancer?
Maybe leaving him will make him rethink his priorities, but probably not.
You are not safe and you do need to leave. I have been in this exact spot and you WILL feel better with some time and clarity. Do you have family you could stay with and keep the kids safe?
Please keep posting!
Maybe leaving him will make him rethink his priorities, but probably not.
You are not safe and you do need to leave. I have been in this exact spot and you WILL feel better with some time and clarity. Do you have family you could stay with and keep the kids safe?
Please keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I know you're expecting this response, but the kind of person it makes you is a live one.
I understand when you say it's the addict that is abusive, but the addict lives in your ABF, and your ABF will not send him packing.
The addict tells him it's okay to hit you. The addict tells him it's your fault. The addict tells him he's entitled to drink whether it endagers you or anyone else around him.
Physical abuse is not something you can just detach from.
Please take care of you. You can get to a healthy distance and be supportive from there. If he's safe and recovering from his addiction you can go back to him.
All the websites. All the quizzes. It's like a Magic Eight Ball response...."All signs point to yes" as in Yes, you need to get to safety.
I understand when you say it's the addict that is abusive, but the addict lives in your ABF, and your ABF will not send him packing.
The addict tells him it's okay to hit you. The addict tells him it's your fault. The addict tells him he's entitled to drink whether it endagers you or anyone else around him.
Physical abuse is not something you can just detach from.
Please take care of you. You can get to a healthy distance and be supportive from there. If he's safe and recovering from his addiction you can go back to him.
All the websites. All the quizzes. It's like a Magic Eight Ball response...."All signs point to yes" as in Yes, you need to get to safety.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
But that's stopped now. We haven't really fought since then.
NO one is saying that you need to leave for good. Maybe take a little break for yourself. Get your thoughts together over a few days or weeks. Take some time to think w/o having to deal daily with the A.
Are you going to al-anon? It is a great place for support.
remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure,
keep posting
Many people here have gone through what you are going through Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Please do read this poem, if you won't believe anything else you've read:
I Got Flowers Today
What would you say if a sister, a daughter, a woman in your life whom you loved more than life itself, confided in you that the man she lived with hit her with a bottle, threatened the lives of her kids and pets and loved ones, called her every name in the book, and did everything but kill her? What would you think, say, and feel if she then told you,
Seriously. Would you think she was thinking straight? Or would you think that maybe she had gotten so used to be treated like a pile of cr@p, cowered into a corner, that she'd learned to mistake abuse for love? Or even that she'd come to think so little of herself that subconsciously she felt it didn't even matter any more if she died?
Don't take this the wrong way, but you -- like I -- desperately need counseling to find out how this got wired into your head, and UNWIRE IT. In a hurry.
I don't know what it is you're feeling, but it's not love.
You can stick around for a few more years waiting for the "man he could be." And in the meantime, the man HE IS TODAY will kill you the next time you step out of line.
Please, kv. Don't do this to yourself.
Please find some help. You are numb, in shock, and brainwashed by this relationship. Please let someone help you before you end up on some embalmer's table.
I Got Flowers Today
What would you say if a sister, a daughter, a woman in your life whom you loved more than life itself, confided in you that the man she lived with hit her with a bottle, threatened the lives of her kids and pets and loved ones, called her every name in the book, and did everything but kill her? What would you think, say, and feel if she then told you,
I keep thinking that he's my best friend.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you -- like I -- desperately need counseling to find out how this got wired into your head, and UNWIRE IT. In a hurry.
I don't know what it is you're feeling, but it's not love.
You can stick around for a few more years waiting for the "man he could be." And in the meantime, the man HE IS TODAY will kill you the next time you step out of line.
Please, kv. Don't do this to yourself.
Please find some help. You are numb, in shock, and brainwashed by this relationship. Please let someone help you before you end up on some embalmer's table.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I think the statistic is that on average, a woman has suffered at least 31 instances of domestic violence (and that includes emotional, verbal, financial abuse etc.) before she leaves or the matter comes to the attention of the authorities. I'm not sure what number you are on now and maybe you don't even know but for many women the last number leads them to the morgue.
If you think it can't happen to you it can. The anger and inappropriate behaviour doesn't happen all the time. That is the nature of the beast. But it just takes one incident to hurt you, put you in the Hospital or worse. I know, I have been there. What happened to me has scarred me physically (and possibly mentally but omg am I fighting that) for life. It could have killed me (and that sounds dramatic but there was an incident in our news of a very similar nature where the person injured died and there for the grace of God go I).
I have been there with the excuses on his behalf. There is no excuse. If you think that him getting dry will change it all.. be prepared for the fact it might not.. be prepared for the fact that it could get worse. If he doesn't recognise he has this problem and if he doesn't get help for whatever is causing this behaviour it will never change.
Oh I wish I could scoop you up and get you out but I can't. It is something you will have to do or fate will take over and get you out (hopefully in one piece). You have the numbers, the gentle support, the signals... but like the A you need to do this for you. I just hope and pray that when you do leave this awful situation it is not via an ambulance but in a safe and controlled way with lots of support.
Please take care... I am thinking of you... :ghug
If you think it can't happen to you it can. The anger and inappropriate behaviour doesn't happen all the time. That is the nature of the beast. But it just takes one incident to hurt you, put you in the Hospital or worse. I know, I have been there. What happened to me has scarred me physically (and possibly mentally but omg am I fighting that) for life. It could have killed me (and that sounds dramatic but there was an incident in our news of a very similar nature where the person injured died and there for the grace of God go I).
I have been there with the excuses on his behalf. There is no excuse. If you think that him getting dry will change it all.. be prepared for the fact it might not.. be prepared for the fact that it could get worse. If he doesn't recognise he has this problem and if he doesn't get help for whatever is causing this behaviour it will never change.
Oh I wish I could scoop you up and get you out but I can't. It is something you will have to do or fate will take over and get you out (hopefully in one piece). You have the numbers, the gentle support, the signals... but like the A you need to do this for you. I just hope and pray that when you do leave this awful situation it is not via an ambulance but in a safe and controlled way with lots of support.
Please take care... I am thinking of you... :ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Quote > I'll lose the chance of ever having that person again.
Dear, I am sorry to tell you this.. but you may have lost that chance already regardless of staying or leaving him.
He can call you after some years of AA and therapy...
You can love him all you want, but you need to love yourself more. You do not deserve this.
((Hugs))
Dear, I am sorry to tell you this.. but you may have lost that chance already regardless of staying or leaving him.
He can call you after some years of AA and therapy...
You can love him all you want, but you need to love yourself more. You do not deserve this.
((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by kv816 
Might as well flashed up on my screen "get out girl".
Doesn't matter what website I go to, what quiz I take, what I read, who I talk to. It's always the same--get out and get out now.
HE is not abusive. The A him IS. So if I leave, I'm leaving someone because of a disease. So again, what kind of person does that make me?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I posted this in another area but let me say it again: Abuse has nothing to do with being an alcoholic. Lots of people are alcoholics, and they never hurt a fly. It also has nothing to do with whether he was abused as a child, or is depressed or whatever. It is about control. It is also not a relationship problem - it is a personal problem and it is his problem. Until he deals with it, nothing will change - same as with the alcoholism. Try googling Lundy Bancroft and reading what he has to say about it. It really opened my eyes about the situation.
I will be thinking of you today and praying.
I will be thinking of you today and praying.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
My husband is an A and as far away from abusive as anyone can be. He internalizes everything, and is quite passive and wants decisions made for him and for his life to 'magically' work out. I've never been scared of him and he's never called me names, let alone threaten my life.
Conversely, a previous boyfriend who was NOT an alcoholic was toxic and verbally abusive. If he did drink or took any kind of drug it got worse - but it was there to begin with because it was part of WHO HE REALLY WAS. Even if he was a nice guy usually, one thing could set him off. He even slapped me once. Have you ever considered that this ugliness was always there regardless of the disease?
We all want them to be the man we loved, we married. This is a hard feeling to shake but you must see what's right in front of you right now, because it is threatening your safety. But even people with diseases make their own choices, no? If he had cancer and treatment was available and he chose not to get it, would you feel the same way? Or, if he had diabetes and became abusive towards you, would you think that's normal? Part of the disease?
Many here on these boards have gotten out with weaker warning signs than you. And if you're already taking quizzes on if you're abused, what does that tell you? You already know the answer. Love or not, if someone hits you, it's abuse. You're scared of losing him if you leave; what about being scared of losing yourself if you don't? Please focus on your safety.
Conversely, a previous boyfriend who was NOT an alcoholic was toxic and verbally abusive. If he did drink or took any kind of drug it got worse - but it was there to begin with because it was part of WHO HE REALLY WAS. Even if he was a nice guy usually, one thing could set him off. He even slapped me once. Have you ever considered that this ugliness was always there regardless of the disease?
We all want them to be the man we loved, we married. This is a hard feeling to shake but you must see what's right in front of you right now, because it is threatening your safety. But even people with diseases make their own choices, no? If he had cancer and treatment was available and he chose not to get it, would you feel the same way? Or, if he had diabetes and became abusive towards you, would you think that's normal? Part of the disease?
Many here on these boards have gotten out with weaker warning signs than you. And if you're already taking quizzes on if you're abused, what does that tell you? You already know the answer. Love or not, if someone hits you, it's abuse. You're scared of losing him if you leave; what about being scared of losing yourself if you don't? Please focus on your safety.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Alcoholism does not an abuser make!
Sure some people become agressive and/or abusive when they drink but I am convinced the alcohol only exacerbates an existing inclination that is within the person already.
A person who is connected to you through control has 'made you up' in his mind about how you should act, behave, what you should say etc. He only sees this 'pretend person' he does not see you.
When you act against this 'pretend person' idea, he turns on the control, whether that be verbal ''He called me every name in the book'' or emotional ''threatened my life, my kids, my sister, my co-workers, my dogs'' or physical ''Hit me with the liquor bottle. Pushed me over once''. Everything he does is to shut up the you who you truely are, and regain his 'pretend person' he has made you up to be.
He never thinks he has done anything wrong, because in his mind he hasn't. You were the one who rocked the boat, who threatened to remove his 'pretend person' and replace her with some stranger he does not know, who he doesn't want to know. That is why he blames you, ''Says it was my fault. He was just trying to drink in peace, alone. But I pushed him by asking what was wrong and trying to get him to talk to me.'' These are the actions of your true self, and not his 'pretend person', she would never challenge his lifestyle, she would never act against what his vision of her is, she would never presume to ask him what is wrong and try to get him to talk. He 'made' her, so she should already know, and keep her opinions to herself, let him be who he wants.
When you are firmly back in your place, i.e. acting just like his 'pretend person' who doesn't answer back, doesn't request explination, who basically allows him to do whatever whenever, he turns back into what you see as ''my best friend''.
Controllers do not want the you who you are, they want the you they think you should be.
So things have quietened down? You are now acting true to his 'pretend person' once again ''I bit my tongue. Took what he said with a grain of salt'', he has successfully removed you, and placed her in your stance. you are conforming to what he wants, not questioning how he wants to act and behave, and oh, just in case you ever do think about doing that again, he ''was hollering and screaming at me on the phone'' threatens you and your loved ones, and puts you into a place mentally where ''I've lost the desire, the strength, the courage. I'm so afraid to stay but terrified to leave''
People like him never change, getting sober won't make it so, and with drink mixed in, this is an even more dangerous situation. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can avoid his onslaughts, now he knows he can frighten you and humiliate you into this quitened terrified state, he will continue to push, to get more control.
If you show any sign of not being his 'pretend person' (which it is impossible to know what triggers it as you cannot possibly read his thoughts) you are in serious danger of his escalating control and rage.
I cannot stress enough to you - THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH ALCOHOL, THIS IS HIM.
The person you knew has gone, do not put yourself in harms way, call those hot lines now!
National Domestic violence crisis line is:
800-799-SAFE /800-799-7233/800-787-3224 TDD
and is 24 hours.
Also check out this web site in the following thread..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
1st and foremost make yourself safe!
Never take a threat against your life as anything but EXTREMELY SERIOUS
Hoping and praying for the best for you, please stay in touch and CALL that number!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sure some people become agressive and/or abusive when they drink but I am convinced the alcohol only exacerbates an existing inclination that is within the person already.
A person who is connected to you through control has 'made you up' in his mind about how you should act, behave, what you should say etc. He only sees this 'pretend person' he does not see you.
When you act against this 'pretend person' idea, he turns on the control, whether that be verbal ''He called me every name in the book'' or emotional ''threatened my life, my kids, my sister, my co-workers, my dogs'' or physical ''Hit me with the liquor bottle. Pushed me over once''. Everything he does is to shut up the you who you truely are, and regain his 'pretend person' he has made you up to be.
He never thinks he has done anything wrong, because in his mind he hasn't. You were the one who rocked the boat, who threatened to remove his 'pretend person' and replace her with some stranger he does not know, who he doesn't want to know. That is why he blames you, ''Says it was my fault. He was just trying to drink in peace, alone. But I pushed him by asking what was wrong and trying to get him to talk to me.'' These are the actions of your true self, and not his 'pretend person', she would never challenge his lifestyle, she would never act against what his vision of her is, she would never presume to ask him what is wrong and try to get him to talk. He 'made' her, so she should already know, and keep her opinions to herself, let him be who he wants.
When you are firmly back in your place, i.e. acting just like his 'pretend person' who doesn't answer back, doesn't request explination, who basically allows him to do whatever whenever, he turns back into what you see as ''my best friend''.
Controllers do not want the you who you are, they want the you they think you should be.
So things have quietened down? You are now acting true to his 'pretend person' once again ''I bit my tongue. Took what he said with a grain of salt'', he has successfully removed you, and placed her in your stance. you are conforming to what he wants, not questioning how he wants to act and behave, and oh, just in case you ever do think about doing that again, he ''was hollering and screaming at me on the phone'' threatens you and your loved ones, and puts you into a place mentally where ''I've lost the desire, the strength, the courage. I'm so afraid to stay but terrified to leave''
People like him never change, getting sober won't make it so, and with drink mixed in, this is an even more dangerous situation. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can avoid his onslaughts, now he knows he can frighten you and humiliate you into this quitened terrified state, he will continue to push, to get more control.
If you show any sign of not being his 'pretend person' (which it is impossible to know what triggers it as you cannot possibly read his thoughts) you are in serious danger of his escalating control and rage.
I cannot stress enough to you - THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH ALCOHOL, THIS IS HIM.
The person you knew has gone, do not put yourself in harms way, call those hot lines now!
National Domestic violence crisis line is:
800-799-SAFE /800-799-7233/800-787-3224 TDD
and is 24 hours.
Also check out this web site in the following thread..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
1st and foremost make yourself safe!
Never take a threat against your life as anything but EXTREMELY SERIOUS
Hoping and praying for the best for you, please stay in touch and CALL that number!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I have to echo what is being said here. The excuses will come thick and fast. And if one doesn't cut it there will be another one along to take its place. Truth is HE has a problem. Alcoholism does not give any excuse for abuse. None whatsoever.
The man who put me in the Hospital was funny, charming, sweet... all the things you would want in a guy... when I met him. Ok so he said had a problem with alcohol but he said he wanted to be and stay sober. Ok so he relapsed, but he said he was back on track. Ok so he did stuff that was crazy, but he said that was just a blip and not who he was. Ok so he started to rage sometimes but he said he was in recovery and trying. Ok so he had been violent in the past but he said that was a previous relationship and he learned behaviours from her and anyway she was allegedly emotionally and physically abusive too. Ok so he said he would never do that stuff with me. Ok so the first time he threw something at me, he apologised and said he would never do that again. Ok so the next time and the next time and the next time, he said the same. Ok so he said he would get help, and he did but then said he didn't need help and stopped. I could go on. He has blamed his alcoholism, his ex wife, his parents, me... everyone but himself.. and HE is the common denominator.
How do you know the man you met, the man whose memory you cling on to wasn't a mirage of his making? All smoke and mirrors. Do you think you would have fallen for him and be where you are now if he had shown you this side? Of course not. The bad stuff doesn't start showing and the mask doesn't start slipping until you are in and invested. The incidents don't start off dramatic and traumatic. And they get explained and excused away.
You may never know why he is behaving the way he is but the who he is you have today is scaring you and threatening. The only thing that matters now is that YOU get safe... mentally, emotionally and physically.
The man who put me in the Hospital was funny, charming, sweet... all the things you would want in a guy... when I met him. Ok so he said had a problem with alcohol but he said he wanted to be and stay sober. Ok so he relapsed, but he said he was back on track. Ok so he did stuff that was crazy, but he said that was just a blip and not who he was. Ok so he started to rage sometimes but he said he was in recovery and trying. Ok so he had been violent in the past but he said that was a previous relationship and he learned behaviours from her and anyway she was allegedly emotionally and physically abusive too. Ok so he said he would never do that stuff with me. Ok so the first time he threw something at me, he apologised and said he would never do that again. Ok so the next time and the next time and the next time, he said the same. Ok so he said he would get help, and he did but then said he didn't need help and stopped. I could go on. He has blamed his alcoholism, his ex wife, his parents, me... everyone but himself.. and HE is the common denominator.
How do you know the man you met, the man whose memory you cling on to wasn't a mirage of his making? All smoke and mirrors. Do you think you would have fallen for him and be where you are now if he had shown you this side? Of course not. The bad stuff doesn't start showing and the mask doesn't start slipping until you are in and invested. The incidents don't start off dramatic and traumatic. And they get explained and excused away.
You may never know why he is behaving the way he is but the who he is you have today is scaring you and threatening. The only thing that matters now is that YOU get safe... mentally, emotionally and physically.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
HE is not abusive. The A him IS.
He is abusive. Why are you minimizing that? And if he is an alcoholic, or if alcohol is what fuels his insanity (or toothpaste - or raisin toast - it doesn't matter!!!) then why haven't you accepted it as part of who he IS!!?? Accept him just the way he is, today, no excuses. Is this a person you want to spend time with? Hitch your wagon to? Build a life with? Because he IS the person, the only person, who is doing the things he is doing, There are NEVER 2 people in one-- he is one whole being, bad behavior, alcohol abuse, and all. Believe it.
So if I leave, I'm leaving someone because of a disease. So again, what kind of person does that make me?
You're confusing alcoholism with a different kind of disease. Alcoholism is an addiction. It is a disease and it has its own unique prognosis. It has it's own symptoms and outcomes. It has devastating and damaging effects on the loved ones who try to minimize it, or "make it go away" or just make the person stop drinking...etc.
Have you read the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum? Or try getting Under the Influence (most libraries have it). Educate yourself about the disease of addiction. If you think that just staying around and tolerating this kind of behavior is in anyway helping the alcoholic you are mistaken. And it seems you might be endangering your safety with this false belief.
In my opinion if you leave someone who's behavior (whether alcohol is involved or not) is unacceptable and even harmful to you then you are one smart cookie who is taking care of herself. Where is it written that you were sent to this planet to suffer abuse at the hands of another person - sick or well? Where is it written that you should sacrifice your own mental health, happiness, finances, dreams, heart, to someone who is an abusive alcoholic?
You have a choice every day in how you want to live YOUR life.
The past is gone.
You are free in THIS moment!
Please take care of yourself! Be safe, stick around here, and GET WELL soon!
peace,
b
He is abusive. Why are you minimizing that? And if he is an alcoholic, or if alcohol is what fuels his insanity (or toothpaste - or raisin toast - it doesn't matter!!!) then why haven't you accepted it as part of who he IS!!?? Accept him just the way he is, today, no excuses. Is this a person you want to spend time with? Hitch your wagon to? Build a life with? Because he IS the person, the only person, who is doing the things he is doing, There are NEVER 2 people in one-- he is one whole being, bad behavior, alcohol abuse, and all. Believe it.
So if I leave, I'm leaving someone because of a disease. So again, what kind of person does that make me?
You're confusing alcoholism with a different kind of disease. Alcoholism is an addiction. It is a disease and it has its own unique prognosis. It has it's own symptoms and outcomes. It has devastating and damaging effects on the loved ones who try to minimize it, or "make it go away" or just make the person stop drinking...etc.
Have you read the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum? Or try getting Under the Influence (most libraries have it). Educate yourself about the disease of addiction. If you think that just staying around and tolerating this kind of behavior is in anyway helping the alcoholic you are mistaken. And it seems you might be endangering your safety with this false belief.
In my opinion if you leave someone who's behavior (whether alcohol is involved or not) is unacceptable and even harmful to you then you are one smart cookie who is taking care of herself. Where is it written that you were sent to this planet to suffer abuse at the hands of another person - sick or well? Where is it written that you should sacrifice your own mental health, happiness, finances, dreams, heart, to someone who is an abusive alcoholic?
You have a choice every day in how you want to live YOUR life.
The past is gone.
You are free in THIS moment!
Please take care of yourself! Be safe, stick around here, and GET WELL soon!
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Here is some helpful information found over in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers sticky section:
And here is the link if you wish to read the entire post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
L
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE
Phase I: The tension Building
During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily. This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases. There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking. Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells".
This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years
Phase II: The acute incident
This is when the actual "fight" occurs. There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving. There may be threats or the use of a weapon, sexual abuse, or even murder.
Phase III: The honeymoon
In this phase of the cycle, the batter makes many apologies and promises that will never happen again. There may be a honeymoon-like euphoria while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out. The victim begins to hope that the batterer is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again.
This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.
The duration of each phase varies, and will change over time. The Honeymoon Phases will become shorter, as the abuser begins to threaten even worse harm if the victim dares to leave. The Tension Building Phase quickly absorbs honeymoon time and often completely replaces it. As the abuse becomes more frequent and severe the couple moves through the cycle more quickly. Most abusive relationships begin with verbal abuse, and then move into violence, which escalates and becomes more deadly the longer the couple is together.
Many victims of abuse hang on to the belief that "the real person" will someday return for good. But they do not realize that the abuser is "the real person."
Phase I: The tension Building
During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily. This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases. There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking. Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells".
This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years
Phase II: The acute incident
This is when the actual "fight" occurs. There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving. There may be threats or the use of a weapon, sexual abuse, or even murder.
Phase III: The honeymoon
In this phase of the cycle, the batter makes many apologies and promises that will never happen again. There may be a honeymoon-like euphoria while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out. The victim begins to hope that the batterer is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again.
This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.
The duration of each phase varies, and will change over time. The Honeymoon Phases will become shorter, as the abuser begins to threaten even worse harm if the victim dares to leave. The Tension Building Phase quickly absorbs honeymoon time and often completely replaces it. As the abuse becomes more frequent and severe the couple moves through the cycle more quickly. Most abusive relationships begin with verbal abuse, and then move into violence, which escalates and becomes more deadly the longer the couple is together.
Many victims of abuse hang on to the belief that "the real person" will someday return for good. But they do not realize that the abuser is "the real person."
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
it sounds as if you have shut down, honey, and can no longer make decisions for yourself or your children.
this is why the professionals say that living with an addict makes us insane.
everyone is trying to save you...your boss, the neighbors who called the sheriff....people here trying to get through to you.
but you are lost. shut down. it's similar to the wall the addict has around him. you scream and scream and scream at him but he does not hear you.
there is a wall around you, too.
you are very ill, and you need help now.
if you can't do anything else for now...
1.keep a small bag packed with clothes for you and your children and some extra cash in it for a motel.
2. keep the domestic violence number on your cell phone speed dial, as well as the sheriff. thank your neighbors for calling the sheriff and ask them to do it again if necessary.
3. and when he gets that look on his face, without telling him you and your children are leaving, get out of there.
you are very ill, honey. and you need help and counseling. but until you are willing to reach out for that, at least be prepared to run for your life.
and if your children have a father they can live with? send them there now.
this is why the professionals say that living with an addict makes us insane.
everyone is trying to save you...your boss, the neighbors who called the sheriff....people here trying to get through to you.
but you are lost. shut down. it's similar to the wall the addict has around him. you scream and scream and scream at him but he does not hear you.
there is a wall around you, too.
you are very ill, and you need help now.
if you can't do anything else for now...
1.keep a small bag packed with clothes for you and your children and some extra cash in it for a motel.
2. keep the domestic violence number on your cell phone speed dial, as well as the sheriff. thank your neighbors for calling the sheriff and ask them to do it again if necessary.
3. and when he gets that look on his face, without telling him you and your children are leaving, get out of there.
you are very ill, honey. and you need help and counseling. but until you are willing to reach out for that, at least be prepared to run for your life.
and if your children have a father they can live with? send them there now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Once an abuser, always an abuser! Sober or not!
kv816 -
Sounds like you have a very supportive boss, and you are lucky to have this person.
You ask what kind of a person does it make you if you leave him because he has a disease? Abusing someone is not a disease!
This is a poem a friend of mine wrote about domestic violence several years ago. I didn't know she was a victim of abuse the first year I knew her. She kept it a secret, was afraid to tell, was afraid to leave. The last sentence of this will tell you what kind of person you will be!
The Night I Walked Away From Domestic Violence
It started with an interrogation and answers that he didn't believe,
His anger grew stronger when I told him to leave.
He raised his voice and every word he spoke was filled with hate,
I wanted to call the police but new at that time it was too late.
The table went flying clear across the room as he came at me I was frozen with fear.
When the first punch hit I grabbed my face and fell to me knees the pain was unreal.
As he laced his fingers around my neck a million things ran through my head,
Who will take care of my children if this time he doesn't let go until I'm dead?
Finally his grip loosened and then came the second punch,
I could see it coming in slow motion and then I felt the crunch.
At that point he must have been satisfied with his outburst and he walked away,
Clean up your blood is the only thing he had to say.
When he came back around he realized what he had done,
As I sat in pool of blood I told him not to help, I just want you gone.
The blood was cleaned up and help was on the way,
Does this ruin everything is what he had to say.
I'm lucky I walked away with my life that night,
What that man did was wrong and nothing will ever make it right.
I'm sorry doesn't take away the pain or make the memories go away,
But walking away from Domestic Violence makes me a survivor today.
Find your courage, find your strength, and you will be a survivor!
kv816 -
Sounds like you have a very supportive boss, and you are lucky to have this person.
You ask what kind of a person does it make you if you leave him because he has a disease? Abusing someone is not a disease!
This is a poem a friend of mine wrote about domestic violence several years ago. I didn't know she was a victim of abuse the first year I knew her. She kept it a secret, was afraid to tell, was afraid to leave. The last sentence of this will tell you what kind of person you will be!
The Night I Walked Away From Domestic Violence
It started with an interrogation and answers that he didn't believe,
His anger grew stronger when I told him to leave.
He raised his voice and every word he spoke was filled with hate,
I wanted to call the police but new at that time it was too late.
The table went flying clear across the room as he came at me I was frozen with fear.
When the first punch hit I grabbed my face and fell to me knees the pain was unreal.
As he laced his fingers around my neck a million things ran through my head,
Who will take care of my children if this time he doesn't let go until I'm dead?
Finally his grip loosened and then came the second punch,
I could see it coming in slow motion and then I felt the crunch.
At that point he must have been satisfied with his outburst and he walked away,
Clean up your blood is the only thing he had to say.
When he came back around he realized what he had done,
As I sat in pool of blood I told him not to help, I just want you gone.
The blood was cleaned up and help was on the way,
Does this ruin everything is what he had to say.
I'm lucky I walked away with my life that night,
What that man did was wrong and nothing will ever make it right.
I'm sorry doesn't take away the pain or make the memories go away,
But walking away from Domestic Violence makes me a survivor today.
Find your courage, find your strength, and you will be a survivor!
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