Not sure how to title this..... (Long)
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Not sure how to title this..... (Long)
and I'm not even sure if this is the best place to post it, but I need to vent and get this out. It's weighing heavy and it's eating up the happiness that I wake up every day with, I go to bed feeling drained. Here's the background....
I've always considered my parents great people, I've heard it shared by others as "my childhood was horrible, my parents kept telling me they loved me". Dad worked his @ss off and went to school to support us, Mom was the greatest housewife and homemaker we knew. Later on in life they would become my drinking buddies, and while I realize that's not an ideal situation, it is what it is, I'm in recovery now and my life is infinitely better. Mom died 11 years ago from cancer and alcoholism. I guess that's the starting point for this share.
Ever since Mom died Dad has been more miserable than normal. He never was a real happy kind of guy, but he has this effect on people now, when you're around him for more than a few minutes you want to stab a knife into your head. His conversations solely focus on how miserable his life is, how much he misses his wife, how poor his health his, and how his doctors and everyone else in the world are out to get him. He goes to support groups about once every few months, heck one of the women in his group actually wants to date him (!), and then he sinks back into depression. And yes, he drinks vodka like a fish.
His grandchildren (my kids) barely know him, other than he's the guy that brings over a plateful of cookies and junk that he finds on his walks around town. He's never visited his other son (my younger brother) and his family since they moved to Georgia a couple years ago. My older brother and I have encouraged him to travel, he's got plenty of money to do it, but he has no desire to travel outside his "safety zone" or "box".
He's had issues with his heart for years, lately they've gotten worse so it's meant trips to the ER, giving him rides to and from the hospital. While he's there he complains about the care and makes negative comments about the doctors and nurses, bitches about wanting to go home, then when he's released he complains about the pain he's in.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. Every weekend I feel the need (or maybe it's a responsibility) to invite him over for a visit . He's not going to live forever, I still love and respect the man. But lately it's getting to the point where I instantly regret having him there. The conversations are effing draining and depressing, there's absolutely nothing positive that comes out of his mouth, it's only doom and gloom. I know about boundaries, I know I should detach, but my heart is breaking because I feel like he might drop dead tomorrow, and that also makes me feel like a f**king hostage. It's sucking the goddamn life out of me and I just want to crawl into a hole and cry until it stops.
I want to be a happy father to my kids, and a loving partner to my fiance, but I feel like I'm failing in all my relationships. I know, I know, I need a therapist, or I should be working on my CoDA steps. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed with the economy and financial responsibilities, so I'm making excuses about not having the time or money to work on myself. What I also know is that I might need to just make the time to stop what I'm doing and attack this until it's somehow resolved. I don't know how much longer I can drag myself around feeling like this.
If you're still reading this, thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to throw out any thoughts or words of experience. I love you all and I'm grateful for your support.
Scott
I've always considered my parents great people, I've heard it shared by others as "my childhood was horrible, my parents kept telling me they loved me". Dad worked his @ss off and went to school to support us, Mom was the greatest housewife and homemaker we knew. Later on in life they would become my drinking buddies, and while I realize that's not an ideal situation, it is what it is, I'm in recovery now and my life is infinitely better. Mom died 11 years ago from cancer and alcoholism. I guess that's the starting point for this share.
Ever since Mom died Dad has been more miserable than normal. He never was a real happy kind of guy, but he has this effect on people now, when you're around him for more than a few minutes you want to stab a knife into your head. His conversations solely focus on how miserable his life is, how much he misses his wife, how poor his health his, and how his doctors and everyone else in the world are out to get him. He goes to support groups about once every few months, heck one of the women in his group actually wants to date him (!), and then he sinks back into depression. And yes, he drinks vodka like a fish.
His grandchildren (my kids) barely know him, other than he's the guy that brings over a plateful of cookies and junk that he finds on his walks around town. He's never visited his other son (my younger brother) and his family since they moved to Georgia a couple years ago. My older brother and I have encouraged him to travel, he's got plenty of money to do it, but he has no desire to travel outside his "safety zone" or "box".
He's had issues with his heart for years, lately they've gotten worse so it's meant trips to the ER, giving him rides to and from the hospital. While he's there he complains about the care and makes negative comments about the doctors and nurses, bitches about wanting to go home, then when he's released he complains about the pain he's in.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. Every weekend I feel the need (or maybe it's a responsibility) to invite him over for a visit . He's not going to live forever, I still love and respect the man. But lately it's getting to the point where I instantly regret having him there. The conversations are effing draining and depressing, there's absolutely nothing positive that comes out of his mouth, it's only doom and gloom. I know about boundaries, I know I should detach, but my heart is breaking because I feel like he might drop dead tomorrow, and that also makes me feel like a f**king hostage. It's sucking the goddamn life out of me and I just want to crawl into a hole and cry until it stops.
I want to be a happy father to my kids, and a loving partner to my fiance, but I feel like I'm failing in all my relationships. I know, I know, I need a therapist, or I should be working on my CoDA steps. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed with the economy and financial responsibilities, so I'm making excuses about not having the time or money to work on myself. What I also know is that I might need to just make the time to stop what I'm doing and attack this until it's somehow resolved. I don't know how much longer I can drag myself around feeling like this.
If you're still reading this, thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to throw out any thoughts or words of experience. I love you all and I'm grateful for your support.
Scott
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Scott)))
I respect that you feel the need to spend time with your dad.
Try to limit it.
Try not to get dragged down too much.
But, please know,
As much as my mom could drag me down for the last 2 1/2 years of her life,
Filled with pain and illness,
I miss her terribly now that she's gone.
Perhaps when he comes over,
You could have some activity planned.
Like a movie. Or organizing the family photos.
Or something that would keep him busy
So he's not such a drag.
cuz, it's probably just habbit with him now,
And he doesn't even realize it.
I wish you well, friend.
Shalom!
I respect that you feel the need to spend time with your dad.
Try to limit it.
Try not to get dragged down too much.
But, please know,
As much as my mom could drag me down for the last 2 1/2 years of her life,
Filled with pain and illness,
I miss her terribly now that she's gone.
Perhaps when he comes over,
You could have some activity planned.
Like a movie. Or organizing the family photos.
Or something that would keep him busy
So he's not such a drag.
cuz, it's probably just habbit with him now,
And he doesn't even realize it.
I wish you well, friend.
Shalom!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 194
I feel for you! My mom can drain the beejeezus out of me if I allow it. I'm learning that things go better for me if I lead our conversations to topics that are of mutual interest. I allow her some time to do her blahblahblah, and then I gently guide the convo to topics I know we both enjoy. I actually prepare some topics to cover with her! And asking her about her childhood experiences has given me some interesting glimpses into her own life which help me understand her better. I've also had good results with doing things outside the house, sort of takes us out of the "toxic family" environment. You mention your father takes walks around town, that could be a family activity, or one for you and him to do together (plus gets you both exercising, an added bonus!) I do that with my mom and it's very therapeutic, hard to get too wound up when the body is producing endorphins! Hope you find time to take care of you!
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Hugs, ((( Scott )))
I have a mother - a stepmother actually - who is a carbon copy of your dad. Every visit and phone call quickly descends into a droning litany of physical woes, pain, loneliness, depression, and other brands of negativity.......which is not surprising given the milligrams of depressants she pours into her body every day. But be that as it may.
Please don't take what I'm about to say as some whacked-out new-age psychobabble, though it may seem like it at first.
Your dad's life is his business. Your life is your business.
It is not his right to come to you and say, "You'd be so much happier if you'd just get a faster car, buy a Rottweiler, take up skeet shooting, cut your hair, get a job as a taxidermist, and join the NAACP." He may be right (if I was being a bit less cuckoo with my examples). He may be absolutely right. But that doesn't give him the right to do it.
It's not your job to go to him and say, "You'd be so much happier if you'd just stop complaining, stop drinking, start dating some nice ladies, move into assisted living where you'd have company, start walking an hour a day, and join the NAACP."
You're absolutely right (well, maybe not about the NAACP).
But you don't GET to decide that for him.
Here's the psychobabble part: Maybe your dad, and my stepmom, are on their own journey. Maybe it isn't our job to determine their destiny. We can try to plant positive things along the way for them, but we can't make them pick them.
If he wants to live a miserable life, and resists all efforts to make it un-miserable, you have to let him walk that path by himself.
As usual in recovery, the only thing we can control is our own space, our own happiness.
Here are some of the things I felt I had to do: Your mileage may vary.
1) No phone calls or visits when she's been drinking, ever.
2) Complete honesty about why: I have been around alcoholism my whole life, and I'm deeply uncomfortable talking to inebriated people, and so I'm not doing it any more. If you want to communicate with me, you have to do it sober.
3) Careful honesty about the effect she has on me, and other people in the family. The line that worked best was, "You know, there are people who find it really uncomfortable to be around you, because nearly 100% of the things you talk about are negative, and all of our attempts to help you have a better life have been ignored. I'm afraid that people won't want to spend time with you if you can't find something good to say."
4) Random acts of kindness: I have, at odd moments, sent random things to her: A DVD on yoga to help alleviate arthritis symptoms; A telephone answering machine to help her screen telemarketers; Herbal remedies for various ills; An Etta James CD; A cookbook; a magazine subscription for an active-retirement audience; newspaper clippings about funny things. I do it with clear conscience and with no expectations. It answers the knowledge in me that says she just needs to know that people do indeed care about her welfare, but she never hears it any more because we're all too busy running the other way when she comes
5) Talking through the issue with a counselor, and coming up with some airtight responses to deter yet another descent into self-pity, to redirect it to something positive or a task that kept her occupied.
6) As a last resort, visiting with her on a set schedule (mine was approximately once per month) on neutral turf, doing something that left little room for conversation, and not forcing her on the rest of my family.
If I'm not mistaken, your ACOA-ness is saying, "I ought to be able to fix this! Under NO circumstances should I keep my distance from him, because if he dies unhappy it'll be all my fault! I should have the answers, the magic wand to make it all better!"
Detachment with love is such a wonderful space to be in, Scott. I can send love to her in ways other than the ones that throw me into an ACoA tizzy. I can let her go to take her own trip on this planet. I can see in my journal how hard I tried to make it a better one, and LET IT GO if she didn't accept my offerings. There are tears, but they don't burn me any more.
Although I would love for every person in my sphere of influence to have an ecstatic, fulfilling time in the 80-odd years they have to spend upright........I have resigned from the position of Supreme Fix-It-All for them.
If you can find a way to pry loose a few dollars to work for a short time with a counselor who has worked with ACOA issues, you may find yourself in a whole new ballgame with your dad. I did. And all I had to do was go back to basic cable and generic cheerios for a few months to afford it
Sending you and yours hugs from up here in the snow
:ghug3
p.s. sorry about the novella.....you're just such a cool guy, and I hate to see you suffering like this, over something you have so little control over.
I have a mother - a stepmother actually - who is a carbon copy of your dad. Every visit and phone call quickly descends into a droning litany of physical woes, pain, loneliness, depression, and other brands of negativity.......which is not surprising given the milligrams of depressants she pours into her body every day. But be that as it may.
Please don't take what I'm about to say as some whacked-out new-age psychobabble, though it may seem like it at first.
Your dad's life is his business. Your life is your business.
It is not his right to come to you and say, "You'd be so much happier if you'd just get a faster car, buy a Rottweiler, take up skeet shooting, cut your hair, get a job as a taxidermist, and join the NAACP." He may be right (if I was being a bit less cuckoo with my examples). He may be absolutely right. But that doesn't give him the right to do it.
It's not your job to go to him and say, "You'd be so much happier if you'd just stop complaining, stop drinking, start dating some nice ladies, move into assisted living where you'd have company, start walking an hour a day, and join the NAACP."
You're absolutely right (well, maybe not about the NAACP).
But you don't GET to decide that for him.
Here's the psychobabble part: Maybe your dad, and my stepmom, are on their own journey. Maybe it isn't our job to determine their destiny. We can try to plant positive things along the way for them, but we can't make them pick them.
If he wants to live a miserable life, and resists all efforts to make it un-miserable, you have to let him walk that path by himself.
As usual in recovery, the only thing we can control is our own space, our own happiness.
Here are some of the things I felt I had to do: Your mileage may vary.
1) No phone calls or visits when she's been drinking, ever.
2) Complete honesty about why: I have been around alcoholism my whole life, and I'm deeply uncomfortable talking to inebriated people, and so I'm not doing it any more. If you want to communicate with me, you have to do it sober.
3) Careful honesty about the effect she has on me, and other people in the family. The line that worked best was, "You know, there are people who find it really uncomfortable to be around you, because nearly 100% of the things you talk about are negative, and all of our attempts to help you have a better life have been ignored. I'm afraid that people won't want to spend time with you if you can't find something good to say."
4) Random acts of kindness: I have, at odd moments, sent random things to her: A DVD on yoga to help alleviate arthritis symptoms; A telephone answering machine to help her screen telemarketers; Herbal remedies for various ills; An Etta James CD; A cookbook; a magazine subscription for an active-retirement audience; newspaper clippings about funny things. I do it with clear conscience and with no expectations. It answers the knowledge in me that says she just needs to know that people do indeed care about her welfare, but she never hears it any more because we're all too busy running the other way when she comes
5) Talking through the issue with a counselor, and coming up with some airtight responses to deter yet another descent into self-pity, to redirect it to something positive or a task that kept her occupied.
6) As a last resort, visiting with her on a set schedule (mine was approximately once per month) on neutral turf, doing something that left little room for conversation, and not forcing her on the rest of my family.
If I'm not mistaken, your ACOA-ness is saying, "I ought to be able to fix this! Under NO circumstances should I keep my distance from him, because if he dies unhappy it'll be all my fault! I should have the answers, the magic wand to make it all better!"
Detachment with love is such a wonderful space to be in, Scott. I can send love to her in ways other than the ones that throw me into an ACoA tizzy. I can let her go to take her own trip on this planet. I can see in my journal how hard I tried to make it a better one, and LET IT GO if she didn't accept my offerings. There are tears, but they don't burn me any more.
Although I would love for every person in my sphere of influence to have an ecstatic, fulfilling time in the 80-odd years they have to spend upright........I have resigned from the position of Supreme Fix-It-All for them.
If you can find a way to pry loose a few dollars to work for a short time with a counselor who has worked with ACOA issues, you may find yourself in a whole new ballgame with your dad. I did. And all I had to do was go back to basic cable and generic cheerios for a few months to afford it
Sending you and yours hugs from up here in the snow
:ghug3
p.s. sorry about the novella.....you're just such a cool guy, and I hate to see you suffering like this, over something you have so little control over.
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Wow, I'm amazed at the responses, so many things I hadn't considered but they all make so much sense.
When I started reading history's response I had a quick revelation about our weekend visits.........I've been partially steering the mood myself, or I guess it's a lack of steering. As soon as we sit down I start fearing where we're heading, I can feel my face sink into a frown and I begin to brace myself for the misery.
He starts his drinking in the evenings, long past the time when he's over here, but I've had to put a quick stop to some drunk-dials in the past, I don't care for the slurred one-sided convos he won't remember the next day. He knows I take my recovery very seriously and seems to respect it.
We've got a private park across the street from the new house, maybe this Sunday I'll try inviting him for a walk, the kids like the playground anyway.
I called him this afternoon and left a message to see how he's feeling. When he called back later he sounded surprisingly good. He started to tell me he was at Valley Lu..... now keep in mind that the heart center used to be Valley Lutheran Hospital. Shocked the hell out of me when it turned out he was at Valle Luna Mexican Restaurant for a meeting with his grief support group. He said he didn't feel like sticking around for long, but I swear he sounded pretty happy. He also talked about getting some second opinions from other heart doctors, he's had bad results with the surgeries that were done from the groin area.
I know what you mean Give, for the last few years I've really started to have faith on the paths we each take on our journey in life, I understand that I'm not the director for his path. And you can write me a novella anytime, any of you can, I'm so thankful for your responses and insight.
I'll keep you updated on how things are going. One day at a time, progress not perfection, and somedays it'll be one step forward and three steps back.
Cynay and I had a nice dinner date after our CoDA meeting tonight. Gourmet burgers. Yum. I think I've got a smile back on my face
When I started reading history's response I had a quick revelation about our weekend visits.........I've been partially steering the mood myself, or I guess it's a lack of steering. As soon as we sit down I start fearing where we're heading, I can feel my face sink into a frown and I begin to brace myself for the misery.
He starts his drinking in the evenings, long past the time when he's over here, but I've had to put a quick stop to some drunk-dials in the past, I don't care for the slurred one-sided convos he won't remember the next day. He knows I take my recovery very seriously and seems to respect it.
We've got a private park across the street from the new house, maybe this Sunday I'll try inviting him for a walk, the kids like the playground anyway.
I called him this afternoon and left a message to see how he's feeling. When he called back later he sounded surprisingly good. He started to tell me he was at Valley Lu..... now keep in mind that the heart center used to be Valley Lutheran Hospital. Shocked the hell out of me when it turned out he was at Valle Luna Mexican Restaurant for a meeting with his grief support group. He said he didn't feel like sticking around for long, but I swear he sounded pretty happy. He also talked about getting some second opinions from other heart doctors, he's had bad results with the surgeries that were done from the groin area.
I know what you mean Give, for the last few years I've really started to have faith on the paths we each take on our journey in life, I understand that I'm not the director for his path. And you can write me a novella anytime, any of you can, I'm so thankful for your responses and insight.
I'll keep you updated on how things are going. One day at a time, progress not perfection, and somedays it'll be one step forward and three steps back.
Cynay and I had a nice dinner date after our CoDA meeting tonight. Gourmet burgers. Yum. I think I've got a smile back on my face
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
I can't add much more to the great advice you have gotten here. The walk in a park with kids is great idea, and I hope he is mobile enough to stay out for a few hours. I have done a lot of work with people in the outdoors and have found that it always puts people in a better mood. This sounds very tree-huggy and flower-sniffy but getting people out were there is sun, wind, trees, and no TV just seems to help. A silly little contest or two, like who can find 3 sticks or rocks that look exactly alike, can add a little fun.
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Scott, what is it he likes to do? Does he like trucks, tools, guns, RVs, armchair traveling, books, trains?
I have trouble with my mostly-negative father-in-law too, and I can ALWAYS find a way to be supportive -- without subjecting myself to a complaint-fest -- by going to things like model train stores, the aviation museum, the restaurant with the big dead animal heads on the walls, etc. When we DO talk, I'm asking him questions about his remembrances about these kinds of things, picking his brain. That serves three purposes: I learn something new, it keeps the discussion on a healthy plane, AND makes him feel like his knowledge is valued.
Worth a try, if you can find an appropriate substitute in your neck of the woods.
Gourmet burgers.....mmmmmmmmm.
I have trouble with my mostly-negative father-in-law too, and I can ALWAYS find a way to be supportive -- without subjecting myself to a complaint-fest -- by going to things like model train stores, the aviation museum, the restaurant with the big dead animal heads on the walls, etc. When we DO talk, I'm asking him questions about his remembrances about these kinds of things, picking his brain. That serves three purposes: I learn something new, it keeps the discussion on a healthy plane, AND makes him feel like his knowledge is valued.
Worth a try, if you can find an appropriate substitute in your neck of the woods.
Gourmet burgers.....mmmmmmmmm.
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I really have nothing to add but thanks for sharing that with us. I really have gotten a lot of great info on how to be supportive to the negative ppl in my life... Without following them down the rabbit hole...
:ghug3
:ghug3
Last edited by CoDieNOmore; 04-01-2009 at 08:32 AM. Reason: spelling
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Scott, what is it he likes to do? Does he like trucks, tools, guns, RVs, armchair traveling, books, trains?
I guess that's part of the dilemna. He used to love woodworking, home improvement, reading, hiking, fishing, and especially traveling. But since Mom died he's had zero interest in doing much of anything except for taking long walks. He's always liked exercise and used to go running, but an accident many years ago reduced that to just walking.
The park is right across the street and it's small, he shouldn't have any problems going that far, assuming he'll agree to go. I love being outdoors, it was one of the biggest motivators in my recovery, to go from isolating inside to sitting in the sunshine, drinking coffee and people-watching.
Thanks for all the ideas everyone. Anything is better than sitting across from each other at the kitchen table and looking morose!
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A quick update....
Dad visited Sunday afternoon and as planned we took a walk over to the park, sat in the shade of a tree and chatted while the kids and dog ran around on the playground. For the most part his end of the conversation was pretty upbeat, I stayed focused on positive things about his grandchildren and when he started talking about how poorly the world is treating him, I tried to gently nudge the conversation in a better direction.
That's the best I can do, and felt pretty good about the way it went. Maybe we'll try it again on Easter Sunday. His next heart surgery is scheduled for Apr. 23rd, say a little prayer for him if you think of it. Thanks for all the support my friends!
Dad visited Sunday afternoon and as planned we took a walk over to the park, sat in the shade of a tree and chatted while the kids and dog ran around on the playground. For the most part his end of the conversation was pretty upbeat, I stayed focused on positive things about his grandchildren and when he started talking about how poorly the world is treating him, I tried to gently nudge the conversation in a better direction.
That's the best I can do, and felt pretty good about the way it went. Maybe we'll try it again on Easter Sunday. His next heart surgery is scheduled for Apr. 23rd, say a little prayer for him if you think of it. Thanks for all the support my friends!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
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That is great to hear! A win-win situation. We can sometimes get ourselves into a either-or dilemma, when in fact there is a lot of gray and unseen opportunities. It is not a choice between 'talking to dad and getting depressed' or 'abandoning dad'. You broke the question down into little sub-questions, like 'is he always negative' and 'what are my boundaries'.
He has my prayers. My dad was an 'either-or' situation all on his own (and he had heart problems for years). If he was drunk he was very depressing, sometimes scary, to be around, but sober he was so energetic and go-get-em positive that he would run circles around everyone.
He has my prayers. My dad was an 'either-or' situation all on his own (and he had heart problems for years). If he was drunk he was very depressing, sometimes scary, to be around, but sober he was so energetic and go-get-em positive that he would run circles around everyone.
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Originally Posted by Astro
Dad visited Sunday afternoon and as planned we took a walk over to the park, sat in the shade of a tree and chatted while the kids and dog ran around on the playground. For the most part his end of the conversation was pretty upbeat, I stayed focused on positive things about his grandchildren and when he started talking about how poorly the world is treating him, I tried to gently nudge the conversation in a better direction.
The best you can do is more than good enough. Life's a game of small corrections, like steering one of those huge oil tankers: I like to look at incidents like this and think about tiny corrections I can make next time to make it even better (for ME). Slowwwly, the ship's course changes. Wishing you and your dad luck.
P.S. is he on heart medication? My father suffered from serious depression as a result of the medicines he took for his bad ticker. Made him even MORE negative than usual!!
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He takes a few things, but the one he struggles with the side effects of is Coumadin, the blood thinner. It causes easy bruising and unusually heavy bleeding. But that's something he's stubborn about taking care of too.....
I've explained that he likes to walk a lot, in the Phoenix area that means a lot of time in the heat and blazing sun. The man refuses to put sunblock on, or lotion, so his skin is extremely burnt, dry, and fragile. It looks horrible, almost painful. If he bumps into something he tears the skin and the bleeding begins, and it's very hard to stop and doesn't heal quickly. We've bought him bottles of lotion and sunblock, they sit on his kitchen table unused.
It's interesting. My Dad manages to take care of himself except when it comes to personal care, even then he does pretty well with most things, it just seems like there are a couple things he refuses to take care of.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, experience, and suggestions with me again.
I've explained that he likes to walk a lot, in the Phoenix area that means a lot of time in the heat and blazing sun. The man refuses to put sunblock on, or lotion, so his skin is extremely burnt, dry, and fragile. It looks horrible, almost painful. If he bumps into something he tears the skin and the bleeding begins, and it's very hard to stop and doesn't heal quickly. We've bought him bottles of lotion and sunblock, they sit on his kitchen table unused.
It's interesting. My Dad manages to take care of himself except when it comes to personal care, even then he does pretty well with most things, it just seems like there are a couple things he refuses to take care of.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, experience, and suggestions with me again.
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Dad's in the hospital again today, another surgical procedure on his heart, hopefully this will reduce his rate. Apparently his doctor had him start taking childrens aspirin this week, one of the side-effects is that one of his arms turned almost black.
I'll be going to visit him this afternoon, been praying for him all day. My visit with him last weekend went OK, but when he started to talk about having to call the police on the next person who rents the vacant house next door if they have barking dogs, I had to interject and set a boundary. It's pretty hard to explain to an untreated alkie what it means to live in the moment though
I'll be going to visit him this afternoon, been praying for him all day. My visit with him last weekend went OK, but when he started to talk about having to call the police on the next person who rents the vacant house next door if they have barking dogs, I had to interject and set a boundary. It's pretty hard to explain to an untreated alkie what it means to live in the moment though
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Its sad that some of us dont have healthy
relationships with our families.
Im one like that with my own parents and
siblings, exhusband and kids.
Everytime i tried to have some sort of
mother daughter relationship with the
one that physically and verbally abused
me it falls thru....its just another abuse
ive had to put up with and now enough
is enough.
I have to take care of me and my recovery
and my serenity. I cant allow a sick person
to invade my mind and occupy space there.
Anyway.....ive concluded just recently that
she is no longer a part of my life and sad
to say she has been severd from my mind
and life.
I know it sound selfish but if i dont let that
unhealthy situationgo then it will destroy my
peace of mind and i cant aford it.
Take care of u Astro. Are r that important
and special.
relationships with our families.
Im one like that with my own parents and
siblings, exhusband and kids.
Everytime i tried to have some sort of
mother daughter relationship with the
one that physically and verbally abused
me it falls thru....its just another abuse
ive had to put up with and now enough
is enough.
I have to take care of me and my recovery
and my serenity. I cant allow a sick person
to invade my mind and occupy space there.
Anyway.....ive concluded just recently that
she is no longer a part of my life and sad
to say she has been severd from my mind
and life.
I know it sound selfish but if i dont let that
unhealthy situationgo then it will destroy my
peace of mind and i cant aford it.
Take care of u Astro. Are r that important
and special.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Scott, sending good thoughts to you and to your dad. Black arms would scare me quite a bit.
Tell him you love him. Keep thinking about the good you've shared...keep it pulsing through your heart. Hope for the best.
Hugs,
GL
Tell him you love him. Keep thinking about the good you've shared...keep it pulsing through your heart. Hope for the best.
Hugs,
GL
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Thanks for the kind words ladies. Dad was pretty doped up and drowsy when I went to see him, but he looked good and the doctor said the surgery went well. He might even be able to get off of some of his heart meds in a couple months, even the Coumadin. That's a good thing.
He started in with sharing some of his old resentments right away so I kept shutting him down and changing the subject. Cantankerous old fart, gotta love him!
He started in with sharing some of his old resentments right away so I kept shutting him down and changing the subject. Cantankerous old fart, gotta love him!
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Slight turn for the worse last night. Dad had some catheters removed as part of the operation, for some reason that caused him to go into shock early this morning. They brought in an emergency medical team to work on him and he ended up in the ICU. He was coherent enough to call me this morning and give me an update, but there's a chance he'll be getting a pacemaker.
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