dslalonde

Hey everyone,
sorry i haven't been on in a while. Just an update on what is going on with my 19 year addict. As some of you know, we have been battleling him for quite a while. Anyway, 2 weeks ago he damaged my car, then didn't call until Sunday evening, job started monday morning. No intention of working.
You guys gave me the strength to pull the plug and lay it on him. And i did. Either tx or the door. Sadly he chose the door. That was last Thursday. Haven't heard from him since. He wrote a sarcastic note to me and my husband not knowing why damaging the car was such a big deal. Like that is all he has done. 4 months of him sitting around the house, staying loaded, no intention of working. Must be nice to wake up @ 1:oopm and start your day and do absolutely nothing. He wasn't high when he hit a curb and busted 2 tires and rims, but hey, no one was hurt. Mom and dad will fix it.
My heart is broken, I wake up crying every day. what is worse?? me watching it or not knowing what is happening. This I am not sure. I know you guys say i am doing the right thing, but it just doesn't feel right to me. I have lost him.
"no kisses today" was what my beautiful son used to wake up saying everyday. His eyes would open and say "its a pretty day today". He was so serious about the kisses, and we would laugh and kiss him more. I wrote a letter to him and reminded him of this. and poured my heart out to him. I know it doesn't help, he doesn't listen and nothing matters to him anymore. He wrote that the 2 people he admired the most, let him down. It breaks my heart. If only he knew how helpless we feel.
Please give me the strength to deal with what is going to happen. I so fear him dying alone without anyone there to hold him.
Susan

cece1960

Hang in there (((Susan)))
There was a time that I couldn't look at pictures of vacation when my kids were young...it just hurt too bad. I wanted SO bad to be back there when I had control and I could make them laugh at silly things.
But as Anvil said, today is today and things change...and we have to learn to change with them.

No one knows what lies around the corner...and sometimes its good stuff.

I feared my son's death for a long time. It didn't happen. And today he is on a better path.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know I don't want to live "my reality" if it means disabling fear of something that didn't occur.

As hard as it is, try to stay in today.

gotahavfaith

Dear Susan

I truly am sorry for what you are going through. This disease takes away the wonderful loving children that we remember.

Watching or not knowing, which is worse? I don't know. Neither option is pleasant.

I believe that you do have the strength to deal with your situation. You had the strength to do what you felt was right.

Please know that I am thinking about you tonite.

Sending mom hugs from another brokenhearted mom.

Gotahavfaith

Maggiemac

Hello my friend I went through the same thing just hopeing my son would wake up and see he was killing himself. I cried a million tears and prayed a million prayers to help him because what I was doing was giving in all the time. So I said if you don't stop you will have to leave and he went to stay with his so called girlfriend. I talked to him on the phone thought that he was trying to stop he told me he was trying then the call came. My only child was dead. So I will pray for you and your son he is the one who has to change you can not make him stop. This is not your fult this is the path he took I hope he sees that getting well can be done if he just tries.
God Bless you and your family
your friend
Maggiemac:praying

Spiritual Seeker

Most moms fear if we don't have that connection something horrible will happen...
We just don't have that kind of power.
It will or won't happen whether we know where they are or not.

Keeping him fed + housed so that his addiction progresses will little struggle has horrible consequences too, as you know.

I know it doesn't feel good to let go...but congrats for doing it anyway.
Stay close to your own recovery process.

lil516

I haven't posted in awhile so you don't know me but your post touched my heart and the title sounded like it could have been written by me (3 years ago!!)

I too missed the little boy who giggled and played little league

I thought if I kept him home I could at least keep him safe...he overdosed upstairs in his bed as his family (me included) sat downstairs watching television


by the grace of God we didn't lose him that night......
but we learned that we couldn't keep him safe....

long story short we stopped enabling, he went into a program and it is now 3 years later.....

I didn't lose my son...he lives (still) in a recovery house....doing well

I will keep you and your son in my prayers
I hope you get your miracle

BBD

Hi Susan. I hear the fear in your post and I know it oh so well. I thought I had lost my son to cocaine. I had to be there to pick him up everytime he fell and he knew it. After he got himself into rehab, I went to counciling and started alanon. Between those 2 and this site~~~~I straightened out. No more help from Mom!!! and you know what?? He knew I was serious and for some unknown reason to me he straightened up. It took alot of time and alot of work on my part......you can do this!! Don't drive yourself crazy worrying. I spent so many nights up crying, feeling crappy the next day~~~~and for what?? My son wasn't worrued about me. Hang in there, listen to everyone here and I hope things turn around for you soon. Smiles, Bonnie

Nina Kay

Oh Susan, I don't know what to say to you. I have thought those thoughts and felt those feelings. It's devastatingly terrifying. I just want you to know that I do understand and I do want to support you however I can as a Mother of an addicted son. Keep coming back here to be with all of us who are going through or have been through what you are. ((((((((((((Comforting HUGS))))))))))))

BayAreaPhoenix

I think it's been a while since I've given a hugs to all the parents on this board, and I think it's time. You all, including you (((dslalone))), are what I call "active" parents. You know, and some of you don't, what a gift you are doing what you need to do as parents and adults. It's not an easy road, but you are doing it, even when it doesn't feel quite right. Nothing about having a child with this disease must feel right, I'm sure, but what it takes to help them help themselves is right! Give yourself a hug, give yourself a break. The fact that you are willing to do whatever it takes, even if it doesn't feel good to YOU right now, is being a "good" parent!

(((hugs)))

sojourner

Susan:

there's great wisdom from people responding to your post. i'm going to also say how hard it is - we just never feel "right" about our choices regarding addicted young adults - if they live with us, if we get them out, if we try to maintain some kind of contact with them, if we tell them "don't try to contact me unless you are in recovery," if we forget to pray for them today, if we remember to pray for them today, if we are mad at them, if we feel pity for them, if we trying to have some kind of "normal" relationship with them..... none of it feels "right" or gives us the sense of peace we would have if they were living lives of integrity. If my addicted son was living a life of integrity, he would be having a normal give-and-take relationship with me. Drugs/alcohol takes all that away, and we are left only with other people on this board and at meetings to guide us, reassure us, help us through to the other side reminding us that there is a process at work here that is being orchestrated by our HP (whom i choose to call God) in our lives and the lives of addicts to bring us all to sanity, integrity, everything good in this world.

Thanks for your post, Susan, and to everyone who took the time to answer....I benefit from everything here also...

Marlie

I am sorry for your pain. I too have an addicted 19 year old and I understand how very difficult it is when you don't know where they are. It has been our responsibility throughout their life to take care of them, to keep them warm and safe, and now they are gone. It gets easier after time but, it never feels right when you know that they are making bad choices. Over time, I came to understand that the longer I provided the longer she could use drugs. I will say a prayer tonight for your son.

rozied

It is so hard, sometimes I feel like its killing me also. I try to not think about it too. My As is in jail right now & at least when he's in there it is easier not to worry. I pray for my son & every addicted mother & child that comes to this room. I pray for the strength to let him go & I pray he chooses life.
Love,
Diane

parentrecovers

please remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. maybe your son isn't ready to recover, but you can start. you did the right thing. it wasn't working the way you were doing it before, right? mom hugs to ya, i sure understand your pain - k

HurtingDad

Susan, I and everyone else here knows your pain, and it's not only Moms. .

You are doing the right things as painful as it feels.

As well as wishing you the best I'd also like to thank everyone who responded so eloquently. It helped me to read about the shared pain we all deal with, somedays better than others.

We're all on a journey, us and our addicts. I pray and wish for everyone it ends on a positive note for all.

Damn...addiction sucks.....

rozied

Dear HurtingDad, Mother or Father it hurts just as much.

Spiritual Seeker

Get off their back
Get out of their way
Get on with your own life.

This is what I am trying to do

Impurrfect

I LIKE that!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Joeyboy

dsalonde, sounds to me like your son is not ready to clean up yet. Where ever he is staying won't last for long. Nobody is going to support your 19 yr old son. You and his father were resentful, what makes you think someone else is going to do it? It will be some time soon, he will be calling you, asking if he can come home. I guarantee this. Don't worry, he isn't going to die. Your a good mother, and the love and fear just pours out of you. How I know the feeling. I have been where you are, and you must take care of yourself. When people told me that, while my son was out using, I couldn't understand it. But in time, I learned that they were right. You have to let go, and let GOD handle your son. There's alot of help, and alot of hope. Keep praying, and stop thinking the worst. You didn't let your son down, he let himself and his parents down. Addicts always like to point a finger. It's always every body else's fault. His addiction and his behavior just got a little more difficult. He might have to pay his way, where ever he is. Help will come soon. One sure thing in life is change. The way things are right now are temporary. Prayers are going up for you and your son tonight.

Angelic17

Awwwh Susan, You remind me so much of myself. The terrified hurting mom, who loves her boy so much. I can tell by your posts that your so grief stricken. I have been where you are, and I know it is awful. I almost died trying to save my son. Unfortunately it's not for us to fix. We can't fix our boys. Only your son, can stop his drug use. Pray that all of his options run out. I said it many times, that my son's addiction is terrorism for me. Your son is young and strong, and he isn't going to die. I am very sure of that. Don't think that way. As mother's we picture the worst things, and we panic. Meanwhile your son is eating, sleeping, and living off the fat of the land, and your exhausted and heart broken. Your son, will be calling you for help soon. Be patient and take care of you right now. It's hard to believe that you will feel better, but you will. Trust me, As soon as you let go, and turn this problem over to GOD, the sooner your pain will be easier to bear. It took me 2 years, but once I turned it over to GOD, and didn't take it back. The healing began. Rest up, he will be calling. Don't let him manipulate you. You did the right thing, and he will be needing you soon. Did you really think you could let him lay around and sleep until 1pm, Not work, and have a warm bed, food, hot shower, televsion, and the best of everything? That's enabling. You have definitely done the right thing by giving him the choice to live right or leave. I sure hope he wakes up and comes to his senses. In the meantime my prayers go out to you and your son. Pray to St. Monica. She is the patron saint for troubled parents. :ghug3