Lambkins

I've been married for 13 years to a very reclusive A. He spends all of his time alone, in his office....I see him when he comes in for dinner and when he comes in for sleep. He spends no time with me or the kids. He is a good person, but there is nothing between us except our house. I am trying to learn why I have stayed for so long and have now realized by reading that I am a co-dependant. I want to tell him to leave but hate to hurt him. I don't want to continue this marriage, but the idea of the confrontation and change scares the hell out of me. I'm just looking for others who have lived a similar situation and can tell me about what they did to get out of this situation.

GiveLove

Lambkins, I think a lot of us have shared that initial overwhelming fear of making a radical change. Even if that change is in the name of greater happiness for yourself, we have a ton of fears, reactions, rituals, habits that make the idea of changing really frightening.

I found personal counseling the most helpful of all in gaining courage, step by tiny step. I mean, tiny. Part of what might be immobilizing you is the thought that you have to do it all at once....but really you don't at all. A good counselor can help to build your self-esteem, your inner courage, in many ways, long before you make any sort of tangible move on the outside.

There are also tiny logistical steps you can take that no one has to know about: Attending Al-Anon meetings and participating here to gain support for YOU, setting up your own post office box and bank account and building your individual credit, etc. Even if you NEVER decide to separate, the act of doing these things is really empowering. I read the book "Codependent No More" for the first time by going to the Library every day...I couldn't even bear to bring it home!

Baby steps, lambkins. Non-scary baby steps will help you & your kids back to a healthy, vibrant life......they did it for me
:ghug3

Freedom1990

Welcome, Lambkins! Change is scary for most people, not just us codependents!

The suggestion of just taking baby steps is an excellent one. See if Alanon meetings are available in your area. Continue to read here. Educate yourself on alcoholism, and keep posting!

:ghug :ghug :ghug

tallulah

If you can.. attend some Al-Anon meetings and read around the subject.. maybe even seek some counselling.. anything for you to get your head into a good place from which to make the next step. And keep posting.. there is alot of experience and good advice on this forum.

Keep coming back.. :ghug

Still Waters

GiveLove is right on.

I hate confrontation, hate it hate it hate it. But, what my counselor helped me realize is, I hate it because it was always with an insane alcoholic, never with a sane person.

So part of my fear is the unknown, because I never knew/know what in the world he was going to do. I mean, it's not even within the realm of "normal" reactions you know?

But she also helped me face "what is the worst that can happen" and to plan for that. Such as physical violence etc.

Most of our fears are of the unknown. And I waste(ed) a lot of time fretting about things that never even occurred.

jaimemk

(((Lambkins))) Good advice up there from some smart people. And I would reiterate what GiveLove had to say about baby steps.

I woke up, looked around, started reading, counseling and left a marriage of fifteen years. (The details are much messier and painful, but that's the gyst) But I kind of wish, now, that I had tried something else.

I wish I would have started living the life I wanted with him still there. Just to see what he would do. You know, out of curiosity. And maybe you already have a full life outside the room he hides in. But I didn't. I paced around outside it, trying to find ways to coax him out. But wouldn't it be fun to see what he would do if you, say...

Took a bellydancing class
Took the kids camping for a week
Had a bunch of girlfriends over for chick flix and brie
Hosted a book club once a week in your living room
Remodeled that room he stinks up
Read and leave lying around all those funny SARK books... "Wild, Succelent Woman," "Eat Mangos Naked," etc.

I don't mean to seem silly when you are hurting. But why wait to start living life for you? It could be that just your doing that will push the envelope and create a natural "atmospheric change" without a huge confrontation.

I completely agree with the Al Anon idea. Good, good stuff. And reading the Melody Beattie books, for sure. Especially helpful for me was her book of daily readings... The Language of Letting Go.

You have begun your journey and we will be here for you no matter how you decide to navigate it.

(((Hugs)))) :ghug3

blessed4x

Lambkins, welcome! I was in the same place, mine a very reclusive A who spent his time in the garage drinking, then quit drinking and spent his time in the bedroom reading. I read Codependent No More, started Alanon 2 months ago, counseling 6 weeks ago, and this week met with an attorney to file for a divorce.

I don't think that's the ONLY path, but it was mine, and I know that the healthier I get, the MORE reclusive he gets......drinking or not. So I gained the courage to do what was right for me. I think by taking some steps to work on YOU, the perfect outcome will unfold naturally.

bluejay6

sometimes the simple act of beginning attendance at al-anon is what tips life with an addict in the direction of change.

addicts do not react well when a spouse begins to address the issue of addiction in her marriage. when a spouse takes that simple independent step toward healing herself by attending a meeting of people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.....an A shows his true colors.

those colors are usually some form of manipulation to get the spouse to stop attending meetings. this is because the A wants total control of his environment and of her. he knows that if nothing changes, he doesn't have to.

so the A may become excessively critical of the spouse, or physically threatening, or have an affair, or drink more, or drink less for a short time, or any number of moves to bring the spouse under control again.

even though he ignores you, he is in complete control of your home and of you. it is his behavior, his moods, his potential reactions, which are completely controlling your choices.

so...in the spirit of baby steps, a good way to start would be attending meetings for the families and friends of alcoholics. see what happens next....within you and within your marriage.

then more will be revealed and you can continue making more choices as you feel surer of yourself and what you really want. and who he really is.

all the very best to you as you seek a better life.

Lambkins

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. This is very helpful information and it is very comforting to know that there are others who have been in a similar situation and are willing to give advice and share their experiences. This forum will be a great source of strenght for me.