iloveher

soo heres the story... i got with my fiance about 3 yrs ago, and later found out she had a drug addiction, i tried and tried and tried to help her get clean, but it was hard and for about a month i tried the same stuff she was on just to see what it was that made her like doing it so much... well long story short she kicked me out 2 yrs ago, but i never stopped loving her i have been clean and not touched a drug since that day. well now we are back together and she is in a intense rehab and doing very well, we plan to be married after she is done with all her rehab programs. I what can i do to help her stay sober? ik she wants to stay sober, she wants to start a new life and we want kids and to be happy, but ik it will be hard, it was a very bad drug she was using. just need some pointers i guess she also has been having anxiety problems. please only respond with good positive help, if your one of those people who are going to say i need to leave her, then just please keep it to your self, because will not leave her, she means the world to me and all i want to do is help her. thank you

liesagain

I'm not going to tell you to leave her................but

You said you did drugs with her to see what she liked so much about them. Not everyone who tries drugs becomes addicted, maybe you were lucky. However she is an addict from what I get from your post.

I just want to remind you that addiction is not cured in rehab, its never cured.

What can you do to keep her clean? NOTHING! Not one single thing. Getting clean and staying clean are 100% up to her. It doesnt matter if you marry and have wonderful children and a great home if shes not working 100% of the time to stay clean she can and more than likely will return to drugs despite the life you build.

WHAT can you do? You can start by reaching out for support for yourself, because life with an addict is not an easy one. Stick around here, read the stickys and learn what you can about addiction. Join a family group for support (like alanon, Co-depend anon or naranon)

As a loved one or family member we cant get them clean or keep them clean but we most certainly can get in their way of getting and staying clean.
If shes in rehab I would bet they have some type of family group maybe you could check that out.

Leave or dont leave.............thats not a choice anyone but you can make but in the meantime you should make yourself FULLY aware of what you are choosing.

Best wishes to you both

cece1960

(((iloveher)))
Welcome to our little place in the sun.
We try not to "instruct" someone as to whether to leave or stay, but what you may hear is feedback as to how well it worked for us when we would only listen to what we wanted to hear.

Its all, in the end, good positive help.

My addict is my son, so my situation may be a little different, but if you really want an honest answer...let her handle her recovery.

I spent SO much time getting in the way of my son's recovery, that I lost track of where he ended and I began.

It wasn't until I started taking care of me that I was able to see hope and promise...and that it was up to my son to begin making good choices.

Prior to that my world (and his) seemed so hopeless.

Stick around, read around...we're happy to meet you.
(((Hugs)))

Nina Kay

I want to Welcome you to SR iloveher, but I do also want to caution you to read and reread everything that liesagain said to you in her post. She was absolutely right in every word. You couldn't have gotten a more truthful reply. We are all loved ones of addicts here and we've had ALOT of personal experience with living with and loving an addict, so I do suggest that you might do alot of reading these posts and the Stickies at the top of the page. Everything that you will read here will be from others who have lived it. Keep coming back here as often as possible. Good luck to you.

Serenity Bound

Welcome to SR!! Please read the stickies and other posts, you will find invaluable info from those of us who love an "A" whether we are still living with them or not.

liesagain, has summed up all of the important issues for you to know & consider.

Good luck to you.

outtolunch

A recovering addict needs is to be focused on their own recovery.

I think most professionals would advise a wait of at least a year, before tying the knot or contemplating children.

suchAsucker

I, too, agree with OutToLunch & AnvilHead... Getting married "quickly" after her exodus from rehab is not going to create a heightened sense of "stability and comfort" that you may believe will keep her on the straight path. Rather, marriage is hard work, and may create more stress than it would relieve in the early stages of recovery. Consider taking a year to calmly plan a wedding, and that will give you both time to establish a comfortble, well-measured rhythm in your partnership. If you've decided that you're going to commit to her for a lifetime, what's the rush to get married immeadiately? The pressure of a wedding (or even a small commitment ceremony at City Hall) is not usually the best reccomendation in early recovery. Once out of rehab, she may not even be the same person that you fell in love with before it. Have you considered that she may be a changed person once she is in recovery, and may need to work on herself and life-patterns with which you are not familiar? You met and fell in love with her during her active addiction-- the person who emerges in recovery may not be the woman you're expecting once she's out. Take the time to get to know her for who she is after rehab, rather than getting married to the (active addict) woman with whom you're familiar and in love... Just my two cents..

wooforever

You cannot help her stay sober. If she wants to use she will find a way. It is all up to her, just be there for her. You are not an addict so you cannot know what she is going thru. You need to go to consuling with her. If they group in her rehab it is a good idea to go.

Freedom1990

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Buy it. Read it. Study it.

kj3880

If you really love her as you say, you'll give her the time and space to really put her recovery first. Ahead of your relationship. Because if she doesn't, you will most certainly lose her to the drugs. You need to stay out of her recovery. Give her time and space to attend meetings. Most of us go every day at first. Don't try to control her in recovery, it won't work. Keep the focus of your life on yourself and your career, hobbies, etc... It isnt healthy to lose yourself in someone elses' life. People find it confining, and they start resenting you. Plus, you never get anything done in your own life.

Don't insist on immediate marriage and family and all that. One day at a time. I'd tell you to keep your money and living arrangements separate for now, but you won't listen. Some of us have to learn the hard way. If you want it to be not as hard, at least don't let her have access to your bank account and credit cards for some years.

Love,
KJ

iloveher

thanks for all the advice, we arent planning to be married for a while because i am in the military and will be heading back to post in another state later to day, so we are just going to write each other for now and she is going to focus on her self, ill be deployed again in 2010 so im planning on waiting till after that to get married because i dont believe it would be good to get married then have to run off to another country fighting a war for a yr. ive talked to her therapist, and they seem pretty happy with how she is doing, she really wants to be clean. i dont try to control her at all, my mother worked for an addictions recovery center for yrs and she is trying to help me with the best things to do as well, but i got on here to get some help from those who have actually lived it not just worked with addicts. thanks again to every one who has shared advice so far

suchAsucker

And good luck to you.. may angels keep you safe on your latest deployment.. Thank you for protecting us and our country.. Cheers... And good luck, friend..