DvsAngelNxs

Ahhh I am a Nurse and specialize in Alzheimer's. No wonder I am stressed lol. Six kids 4 of which are hormonal teenagers, One six year old busy boy, a toddler speaking gibberish, Dementia Pts. all day, And An AH with DOC Alcohol And Cocaine ( he binges so I either have the dry drunk at home or the Sociopath).

You always wonder how you got here. You look back trying to find what road that put you here. And although I have always shunned anyone with alcohol and drug issues. One found me anyway...lol. He was on my path god had prepared for me waiting.

My mother was and is an A in recovery right now but still an A at heart. I am the oldest of 5 children and been called little MaMa as long as I can remember. And never minded I just always on instinct knew what to do. No one showed me she was busy with her own things and dad was busy pretending it wasn't going on. I just knew. I hated A's because I saw how selfish a disease or personality trait it was. Never because of things it did to me but because I saw how it affected the other kids when I wasn't there to protect them.

The point is its who I am not who i became.

When I met my A He Was Sober. And I thought it was so strange He thought my caring and giving one of my greatest character flaws. Calls it one of the greatest sins. It put me in the center of the Universe instead of the God. ( at the time I just thought he was jealous of how much I did and gave to others and how many people leaned on me. "Took away from him".) I ponder this for a very long time struggling with if that's what I was doing. I truly saw it as God had given me the knowledge of the right things to do and not doing the right was the sin. It wasn't about me although I must say there is a satisfaction in helping.

Oh well ,I am sure that is a conversation for the therapist couch.

The thing is he told me eventually my well would run dry because I couldn't replenish it. I thought he was crazy. The well itself feeds off the acts.

Until that is you have an A. Been 5 years now with my A active on and off. And you know everything starts being less rewarding. And some point its like no matter how many right choices you make. No matter how many times you are the bigger person, do the right things even when its hard you still get kicked in the teeth. You start loosing faith in everything because really whats the point. You don't matter. YOUR NEEDS DON'T MATTER AND NEVER WILL.

Well here I sit weak, tired and god help I feel selfish now. I need my well replenished for if nothing else my children. I find reward in nothing and lack confidence and passion in all I do. My greatest fear is the person I thought was my soul mate, love of my life and best friend is the one that drained it...and I will never get it back. And Why if would god lay that path for me?

(I know I shouldn't question..so please don't scold me) :praying

But its hard...I am Stuck ,Lost, Afraid, Sad , With no Confidence at all and Feeling guilty. In the middle of a huge questioning of faith.

How do I step forward with or without him at 41. Due to his addiction I have lost everything except my children. A huge responsibility but I love them...I need to be able to survive this for them if nothing else.

I fear I no longer have the strength to do this but I must. I just need a little help I am praying but I cant find it, my legs are trembling beneath me. And there is no where for me to fall and the children will fall with me...I can't let that happen. I fear the straw that lands on my shoulders and I crumble.

Where do I go from here?

DvsAngelNxs

Sorry I am new here and just got carrier away. Didn't not intend for it to be so long.

bookwyrm

(((DvsAngelNxs)))

You sound so worn out. I'm so sorry you've reached this stage. Have you been to see your doctor?

Posting here is a great start to helping you to heal. Take time to read the stickies at the top of the forum - there is a great wealth of wisdom and experience there.

Have you been to Al Anon? I don't attend meetings but I do find the 12 steps to be very useful. Here is a thread that starts on the first step: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-1-a.html

I recommend reading Melody Beattie's 'Co dependant No More' - it was a real eye opener for me and helped me change my situation in a practical way.

You sound like you're ready for change. The great thing about change is that it doesn't all have to be at once. Set your sights on your goal and start taking baby steps towards it. You can do it!

You'll find a lot of support here - there will be others along soon to share their strength and experience with you.

Take care :ghug3

tallulah

Hi Dvs you're in the right place.. :ghug

I'm going on the 'reason, season, lifetime' theory to try and explain how and why the A was put into my path. I'm clearly meant to learn something from this. If not then what is or was the point huh?

Don't beat yourself up.. Questioning yourself appears to come with the territory. And that can be a positive if you learn what you need to learn.

Some people are just emotional vampires I suppose. You know the kind of people who just exhaust you with their presence. Drain you of your life force and then on to the next source.

I read something that likened the whole thing to being a snowman. Eventually the snowman is melted away just leaving a couple of stones that were the eyes and mouth and the carrot that was the nose. All the layers have been stripped away but yet something tangible remains. And it is with that you can rebuild. It doesn't seem like much when you remember the whole snowman but it is there and it is real.

You sound like a very caring compassionate loving person. You are just in a bad situation. I hope you find a way to YOUR peace. Take it one day at a time. Think about what life YOU want to make for yourself and your children. Easier said than done I know but I believe it is possible to make another snowman in the right climate.

Still Waters

If God put your A in your path, then God also gave you the tools do deal with him. Whether that be continuing to live with him, or not.

"Knock, and the door will open" "Ask, and you shall receive"

Don't forget to knock and ask

(I'm not scolding) I tend to not want to ask, it seems so trivial when I compare it to others issues. But when I do ask, my prayers are answered, even if not in the way I would have hoped or thought possible.

Start on you, time to bolster you, so that you can do what you need to for you and your children.

GiveLove

Hi Dvs,
Welcome to SR - I'm so glad you found us.

Just to share a bit of my story - I've been in several relationships with alcoholics who didn't seem like alcoholics when we met. They each lasted several years, and I suffered greatly by staying.

YES, I did learn something from each of those situations. But NO, I don't think that was God's plan for me. I don't think God is that cruel, really. I think he gives us all a full deck when we are born, a full set of tools for crafting a happy, healthy life, and trusts us to use them to empower ourselves. These tools for me right now include SoberRecovery, Al-Anon, personal counseling/therapy to get strong, the book "Codependent No More" and others by Melody Beattie, involvement in community, nurturing parts of my family, creative thinking, self-help books and tapes, my spiritual beliefs, and a dozen other things that I can combine to help keep myself from suffering.

But as long as I believed in my heart that it was God's plan for me to suffer, I could not even begin to heal. After all, who can buck God's wishes?

I no longer believe that. And I have found happiness, freedom, and serenity through using the tools He gave me. And believe me: If I can do this, you can do it better. I was very lost when I began this journey, and so tired I thought I could just lay down and die on the spot.

I hope you will begin to take care of yourself better - replenishing the well in any way that feeds your soul. It is a slow process of many, many steps in the right direction. Choose any of the things above and give them a try -- you've already found community here in SR - Congratulations!

Sending you prayers for strength, clarity, and peace

Freedom1990

I used to get confused a lot between God's will and my will. The difference is that my will usually hurts.

I do believe that God put certain people along the path that my life has been, but ultimately it was up to me whether I chose to actively engage with those people or not.

I made a lot of poor choices (ie, engaging with those people whether in relationships, marriages, etc), and so ended up with painful consequences.

Thankfully today I make healthier choices in my life. I have positive consequences in making those choices. I am my own best friend, and I am a better mother, daughter, friend to others, etc.

Chrysalis123

Welcome Dvs. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Both parents were A's. My mother sought recovery when i was around 11 and then she died right after my 13th b-day. My father was 36 when she died, and he emotionally abandoned us to live his party lifestyle. In order to survive this I developed some incredible coping skills that worked for me as a child.

But...I grew up and the coping skills came with me and suddenly they no longer were helpful. They were incredibly damaging to me as an adult, but I didn't know it. I just knew my world was not working and found myself somehow living and married to an A with kids to boot. Coincidence that I recreated my childhood for my kids????

Therapy, Alanon, SoberRecovery, and a support group helped me unravel all this mess and discover the me I had lost. I now see how I played a part in my problems, and I am no longer exhausted, miserable, dejected and depressed. Dare I say I am "content".

I know that I was a victim of my childhood and did the best I could. After that I kept VOLUNTEERING myself to participate in unhealthy situations.

Stick around, read, and post as much as you want. I am glad you are here.

DvsAngelNxs

Thank You all so much.

Its just so Hard.

I know God doesn't put more on you then you can handle, I will be stronger in the long run yada yada.

I think the scariest part of stepping forward is left or right. Especially when you were heading in a straight line That every single thing in life (except Your A) said was where you were supposed to be.

Maybe instead of DVSAngelNXS I should be Dazed and Confused.

For the record I have seen a doctor put me on anti depressants( I am not a pill person, Tyl. is the only thing I keep in the medicine cabinet for me.) The side affect were awful. Been to a few Al Anon meetings , I just didn't meet anyone I could connect with alot of people there were all about the blame game and poor me ( it actually remined me of my A something is always someone else fault) not what am I doing proactive in my life . I study the steps... I have a hard time with detachment and surrender. How do you detach from someone all consuming and god help you that you love. Surrender...well god helps those who help there selves and lifes hard really hard sometimes the only way to survive is to fight the good fight for the right reasons.

Seriously struggling...as you can tell.

Its just so **** hard.

I appreciate all your kindness and Advice.

Thank You

Still Waters

DvsAngelNxs,

Some of us, me, can't detach while still living with our A's. That's why I left. I just couldn't do it, and trying to was killing me.

Some things that help me:

I try to remember that my AH is really functionally insane, and it's very hard to stay angry at an insane person. This doesn't change the damage to the children however, another reason I had to leave mine.

Surrender: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it. Simple. There is absolutely nothing you can do to "fix" him. Nada, Zero, Zilch. He has to want to do it, then do it.

Temporary: Not all decisions need be permanent. There is nothing saying you can't separate until such time as he decides to get help, and to actually work a program.

I bolded work a program, because my AH is a dry drunk. He talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk so to speak. He's just as miserable and insane "dry" as he was "wet". Worse in some ways.

Hope any of this is somewhat useful to you. I know it's a dark and scary and crappy place to be, where you are right now-but, I'm here to tell you IT DOES GET BETTER, if you want it to.

Barbara52

Sounds like you learned your codependency from childhood just as I did. The good news is that we can unlearn all the unhealthy behaviors we learned back then and build a better life for ourselves.

Codependency can kill us by sucking the life out of us and causing illnesses from the stresses we live under.

Start by learning about codependency, being an adult child of alcoholics and all the effects that likely had on you. This will put you in a good position for figuring out what you can change in your life to make it better.

Don't let being 41 stop you either. I finally began ridding myself of the fog of all my issues in my early 50s. Life can get better no matter your age.

TakingCharge999

Hi Dvs!!

41? You are very young. I know people that have married at 86. Very sweet and lovely. It is never too late to change yourself and enjoy your life, its a gift and a promise given to us every day we wake up.

I used to play tennis with seniors, the players on the other side of the court sometimes added up to 172 years together. And they kicked my a$$ big time LOL. I do not know how this has to do with anything, but just wanted to remind you you are young, and you are free, just like everyone else here

DvsAngelNxs

Thank You all for your kind words. I know I have to find away to survive this and work on me until I can get me and all the kids out.

I love him but I am doing no one any good if I let him destroy me in the process.

I wish for the kids and all of us as a family there was a way to make this work. But I have to keep my sanity too.


I Love You All

DvsAngelNxs

BTW right now 41 feels like 101. lol

Thank You

Still Waters

Listen - not keeping the family together isn't the end of the world, and in some cases it's the best thing that ever happened in families. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Your children will benefit from a happy and healthy Mom, not to mention the life lesson they'll learn (as they get older) that taking care of yourself in these type situations is paramount.

I know it seems a horrible decision now, but it will get better in time. I promise.

PurpleWilder

You don't have to apologize for coming to SR to talk about your problems. That is why we are all here. Anytime you need to post, post. I understand "weary" more than I can explain and can really feel your pain. I will be thinking about you today and praying.

Freedom1990

Oh believe me, I know that feeling well! Old before my time! Are there any other Alanon meetings you could try out? That's a shame you found ones where there was blame. Healthy Alanon meetings aren't like that at all.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers in Kansas. I know what it's like to be totally drained and not knowing if I'd even make it through the day or not.

:ghug :ghug

mermaidgirl

DVS-you are certainly not alone in your feelings and thoughts as you can see from all of the posts. I must admit that when I kept hearing the word "detach" I conjured up a very negative image in my mind. When I started to learn more about what this really meant however, it really constitutes being kind and having mercy on yourself and your heart. You aren't detaching in anger, but in love and care for yourself. You know all of that nurturing you give [I]out?[I]Detachment in this case is a way to turn inward and give you what you need-apart from what your A cannot provide in the relationship. It's truly a healthy thing to do and when I started to practice detachment it felt like the clothes simply didn't "fit", until I accepted my own mercy on myself that I was needing so much and no one could truly give, but myself.

Others here have wisdom beyond me for sure, but I agree with the fact that your children deserve to see at least one of their parents happy; whether they are married or not. I remember a counselor told me a long time ago when I labored over the decision to divorce my first husband after 15 years. She said the biggest indicator for a child to grow up with a healthy outlook on life is to see his/her parent enjoy being an adult. This allows them to look forward to growing up-to experience what YOU have. You do owe your children that-and although it was difficult for me, I can see it was the best thing for my son who is now 18 and a joy to be around.

My current husband is a sober A, but not working the program like he should. Don't dwell on how you landed up with him-as this population is some of the most manipulative folks walking the planet.

Take care of yourself-and your kiddos.

anubus

I am SO sorry you are going through all this!! The other (more experienced) posters came up with some wonderful replies, but I just wanted to suggest that since you are obviously seeking God's plan/help with this, perhaps you would benefit from posting on the Christian Recovery board here. Perhaps start with asking for a prayer request? I did that, and things did seem to improve......my situation didn;t change so much overnight, but I got more stregnth in myself.

This isn't a religious board here, hope I'm not overstepping the board guidelines....Joel Osteen often mentions God is working "Behind The Scenes"......we don;t SEE it, but God IS working.....we just have to go on in faith, and TRUST that He is working on something in our favor. From your posts you mentioned that every time you try to leave, something happens. Perhaps that is God working. I honestly don't know, but I can say that God works in mysterious ways.

Praying that you find the answers/serenity/faith to stay strong for you & your family.

DvsAngelNxs

Thank You all... Today I feel better actually slept ....(insomnia is one of stress reactions) first time in about three weeks. So today I take a baby step of normal and see where it leads me. :ghug3