littlebrr

Two years ago today, my mom’s boyfriend committed suicide. I remember every single detail of that day… it was a warm, balmy day which isn’t normal round these parts for the end of March. I remember he came over to my house to pick something up in the hours before his death. I didn’t get to say good bye, but instead gave him the cold shoulder because I was angry at him. I regret that.

Four hours later, he sat in his van in front of my mom’s house… pointing a gun at people as they drove down the street. I remember the SWAT team being everywhere… almost like the constant buzzing of a bee that won’t leave. They were positioned on top of houses, in cars, everywhere. The entire block was put on lock down… “Turn off your lights. Lock your doors. Stay as far away from the front windows as possible.”

As usual, my mom was drunk so I had to answer all of the detective's questions. I had to be the one that made sure she was okay. There was no one there to take care of me. No one.

It became a waiting game; a six hour waiting game. A stand off. He had no cell phone so no contact could be made. When it began to get dark, the SWAT team made us go down into the basement. So, I drug my mom and her two dogs downstairs. We sat in lawnchairs in the basement next to the washer and dryer. I remember making small talk with my mom to keep our minds in other places.

Then we heard the sound of a vehicle… an industrial vehicle. As it got closer, my heart beat got faster. We had no idea what was happening because we didn’t have any windows. And then we heard it… one single shot. My mom went insane and I remember grabbing her and screaming at her to SIT DOWN! Don’t you dare go up those stairs. Don’t you move! And then I heard a banging… Like someone was trying to break out a window. And then… silence. It felt like two hours had gone by when in reality it was only 10 minutes. A police officer came downstairs to tell us that he had taken his life. The SWAT team approached him in an armored vehicle, trying to pass him a cell phone to talk. He put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

What happened over the next two hours was a blur. I distinctly remember going upstairs and pushing my mom into the kitchen so that she wouldn’t see his dead, lifeless, bloody body laying there. I didn’t want her to have that image in her head because she was already so fragile from years of alcohol abuse. Instead, I walked to the front door. I had to see. I had to “know” that he was really dead because it was all a bad dream and I knew I’d wake up soon. But it wasn’t. It was so true and so heart breaking. He sat, slumped in his van, gun still in his hand, blood pooling from his head; that imagine was burned into my brain that night and I’ll never forget it for as long as I live. The sound of a gun shot or every the door of a car shutting, brings back memories of that night.

How could he do this to my mom? He knew how she was and that the smallest issue would send her into a tizzy and she’d use any excuse to drink. I was so mad that he left ME with this mess (my mom) to clean up. He was a coward and I was so angry and hurt that he left me to pick up the pieces like I always did.

I immediately got us both into counseling. It did wonderful things for me, but not so much for her. I had nightmares for months; seeing his face in my dreams.

Today she will sit and drink herself into oblivion just as she did last year. She doesn’t realize it, but she is slowly doing to me what he did to her, it just won’t be so sudden. I’ve had years to prepare for her death and maybe that’s a gift. I can prepare for what inevitably will happen. A part of me hurts and aches because this disease is so selfish that she won’t even bother to pick up the phone to see how I’m doing today and I feel guilty for having those feelings because the phone goes both ways, but for once I want to be just as selfish as this disease. I want it to be about me. How I’m feeling and whether or not I need to talk. I just need a simple, “I love you, kid. Everything will be okay.” That’s all. Is that too much to ask?

Rudi - wherever you are... I'm sorry and I hope you're at peace. I miss you, even though you probably don't think I do, I miss you. I think of you often.

GiveLove

I'm sorry you went through this experience, littlebrr. I'm also a suicide survivor and I know the ragged tangle of emotions that it leaves behind.

It's a lot to recover from, especially given the fact that your mom's choices are...what they are. I'm glad you benefitted from counseling. I did too. When moments like these rise up in my heart, I usually do a quick few sessions with mine again - just to process the new stuff that's come up.

One of my sisters committed suicide, and the other was impacted by it, and began drinking even more heavily, until she too died.

I've decided that the domino effect stops there. I don't want to be the next one to fall --- it makes no sense, and doesn't do anyone any good. I hope your mom eventually seeks help, but even if she doesn't make that choice, I hope you find a way back to peace again.

Glad you feel safe getting it out here.

guiab

That is a hard story - tough to hear and no doubt tough to tell. But you got it out and that is good.
It sounds like you are focusing on yourself and that is the best thing to do. You clearly love your mother but she is making her own choices right now.
It is great that you are posting here. Have you been able to talk to any counselors or go to al-anon meetings?

littlebrr

Thank you both for your support. I needed it.

After it happened, I stayed in counseling, but she quit after two sessions because the focus of our conseling shifted to our relationship and her drinking. She couldn't handle it. For once in my life, she heard how I felt. Needless to say, the counseling validated my feelings and my focus then shifted to myself, instead of trying to "make her better". I started reading every book I could get my hands on and going to Al-Anon meetings.

I'm in a much better place now, but every once in a while, I just need to get this stuff out of my head. I needed someone (anyone) to listen. After writing that thread, I put it behind me for the day and moved on. I gave myself time to grieve, be sad and frustrated. I've been trying to re-focus on my feelings and owning them instead of pushing them to the side and them building up until I explode. My day turned out so much better than I thought it would.

GiveLove

This is a really good place to do that, littlebrr.

I'm glad it helped.

This may not help, but I thought I'd share: My sister (who took her own life) saw no way to stop her pain. She had tried so many things to get better, but could never get out of the day-in day-out agony of being alive. I'm not a religious person, but there is a small part of me that knows that her pain is over, she's moved on to whatever comes next for us humans, and she can try again to get it right. I sure do miss her though!

Theresa

Littlebrr, there are people here and there to take care "for" you, you are not alone.

You have been through so much, such an incredible time. Perhaps by sharing your feelings with us and others, you will be opening yourself to new relationships with people who are capable of caring for you in the way that you do deserve.

For me somehow by realizing and accepting that those who I most needed to love and care for me were not capable of doing so, I was able to let go a bit of this dream--and start looking at other people around me in a more realistic way. I'm hopeful that by doing this I will be more open to a new, healthier relationship....not sure if any of this makes sense. I just am trying to say that I believe those people are out there for you.