Help - I just forced my AH to leave...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
Help - I just forced my AH to leave...
This forum has been a lifesaver to me over the last month so to everyone that has shared their stories and encouragement - thank you. This, along with my counsellor, has given me the courage to make my AH leave our house.
I was so scared. Luckily, my dad (an recovering A himself) came with me; not for me but for AH. It was awful! And now I feel terrible and guily. He is now accusing me of our marriage being a sham, that I am taking his hard earned money and that I am trying to control him about letting him see the kids. I simply told him no overnights witht he baby - he passes out every night and has NEVER heard her wake up in the night. She just turned 5 months old and the 8 year old doesn't want anything to do with him right now. He just wants him to get better.
I know I did the right thing, but I am afraid that wasn't the hard part. I am in for alot more hurt and heartache before this is over. Any encouraging words or experiences that any of you can offer and share will help keep me strong.
:praying
I was so scared. Luckily, my dad (an recovering A himself) came with me; not for me but for AH. It was awful! And now I feel terrible and guily. He is now accusing me of our marriage being a sham, that I am taking his hard earned money and that I am trying to control him about letting him see the kids. I simply told him no overnights witht he baby - he passes out every night and has NEVER heard her wake up in the night. She just turned 5 months old and the 8 year old doesn't want anything to do with him right now. He just wants him to get better.
I know I did the right thing, but I am afraid that wasn't the hard part. I am in for alot more hurt and heartache before this is over. Any encouraging words or experiences that any of you can offer and share will help keep me strong.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Fairy,
So proud of you for putting your foot down, and deciding you didn't want to live like that any more, nor force your children to grow up in that kind of household.
It's a super-traumatic thing to do, and an alcoholic will try to make you feel like you're Satan On Wheels in order to gain their comfy drunken nest back.
You know he's going to do this. He wants his enabler back. He wants to pass out in peace in his own house. Hard as it is, you have to harden yourself to these things, and remind yourself you're a good person who is trying hard to do the right thing -- he doesnt' HAVE to agree. Active alcoholics are really irrational.
You have two children to protect, though, and I am so glad you've done this. I grew up with alcoholism, and it caused me a seemingly endless amount of suffering. That you are taking these steps NOW so that your kids won't have to grow up like I did....well....that makes me a little teary.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through these first few days. Please try not to "awfulize" - to imagine some horrible thing happening down the line. It doesn't make anything better, and it may not come to pass.
GL
So proud of you for putting your foot down, and deciding you didn't want to live like that any more, nor force your children to grow up in that kind of household.
It's a super-traumatic thing to do, and an alcoholic will try to make you feel like you're Satan On Wheels in order to gain their comfy drunken nest back.
You know he's going to do this. He wants his enabler back. He wants to pass out in peace in his own house. Hard as it is, you have to harden yourself to these things, and remind yourself you're a good person who is trying hard to do the right thing -- he doesnt' HAVE to agree. Active alcoholics are really irrational.
You have two children to protect, though, and I am so glad you've done this. I grew up with alcoholism, and it caused me a seemingly endless amount of suffering. That you are taking these steps NOW so that your kids won't have to grow up like I did....well....that makes me a little teary.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through these first few days. Please try not to "awfulize" - to imagine some horrible thing happening down the line. It doesn't make anything better, and it may not come to pass.
GL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Congratulations on taking the action needed to protect yourself and your children! I know that was incredibly hard but you did it! And you will do what you need to do to get through what ever else comes along. When you waver, think of those kdis who deserve to grow up outside the madness of alcholism.
You might want to talk to an attorney to get information, help writing up a separation agreement, and anything else that might impact your decisions.
You might want to talk to an attorney to get information, help writing up a separation agreement, and anything else that might impact your decisions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know it's easier said than done, but work really hard on just living in the moment in front of you. We are so good at projecting into the future and borrowing trouble before it ever gets here. You did the right thing, my dear!
:ghug :ghug
:ghug :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement.
Freedom, it is so hard to live in the moment, but you are totally right! It's all about changing my thinking. And yes, it helps to keep telling myself that it's the best for the kids. I, too, grew up in an alcoholic/codependent family and I want to stop the cycle right here. My kids deserve better!
Freedom, it is so hard to live in the moment, but you are totally right! It's all about changing my thinking. And yes, it helps to keep telling myself that it's the best for the kids. I, too, grew up in an alcoholic/codependent family and I want to stop the cycle right here. My kids deserve better!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Happiness Fairy
Once it became clear and the evidence was indisputable my husband had a serious drinking problem (this was a challenge to do), and was not the social drinker he had professed to be - I finally found the courage to get him to leave our house.
I put it to him in these terms, that our children's well being came first, and they would not be subjected to the insanity that came of having an alcoholic in our home. He was told simply, as long as he drank, he would not be welcome. If he protested, all I had to say was, "just stop drinking, get your life together ...and we can be a family again".
Like you, my father was a recovering alcoholic living near us and his support was invaluable. He would patiently counsel my AH and try to get him to do what was right for our children. My AH became less hostile and reluctantly complied. The well being of our children came first - unlike an adult, they cannot pack up and leave the alcoholic insanity ... and I felt it was my duty as a parent to protect them.
It was a tough battle getting him to actually leave ... but it was better to have this one big battle, than to live with the constant daily upheaval of having an alcoholic under the same roof. And yes, there will be times it will feel strange ... but remember, he has chosen alcohol over the well being of his children.
It was amazing how much more peaceful our home became when the toxic influence of alcohol was gone ... it started feeling like a real home once again. Wishing you the serenity that comes with keeping this destructive addiction away from your children and out of your home.
Once it became clear and the evidence was indisputable my husband had a serious drinking problem (this was a challenge to do), and was not the social drinker he had professed to be - I finally found the courage to get him to leave our house.
I put it to him in these terms, that our children's well being came first, and they would not be subjected to the insanity that came of having an alcoholic in our home. He was told simply, as long as he drank, he would not be welcome. If he protested, all I had to say was, "just stop drinking, get your life together ...and we can be a family again".
Like you, my father was a recovering alcoholic living near us and his support was invaluable. He would patiently counsel my AH and try to get him to do what was right for our children. My AH became less hostile and reluctantly complied. The well being of our children came first - unlike an adult, they cannot pack up and leave the alcoholic insanity ... and I felt it was my duty as a parent to protect them.
It was a tough battle getting him to actually leave ... but it was better to have this one big battle, than to live with the constant daily upheaval of having an alcoholic under the same roof. And yes, there will be times it will feel strange ... but remember, he has chosen alcohol over the well being of his children.
It was amazing how much more peaceful our home became when the toxic influence of alcohol was gone ... it started feeling like a real home once again. Wishing you the serenity that comes with keeping this destructive addiction away from your children and out of your home.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm another one going through the separation/divorce. It can be tough and lonely, but it can also be peaceful and bring much needed relief.
I recommend you limit or stop contact with your AH and focus on yourself and your childrens needs for a while. Give yourself time and space away from the manipulation, lies and control. You deserve the break.
Peace and hugs to you and your children.
I recommend you limit or stop contact with your AH and focus on yourself and your childrens needs for a while. Give yourself time and space away from the manipulation, lies and control. You deserve the break.
Peace and hugs to you and your children.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
HF,
I meant to add this:
The day I asked my AH to leave was right after my first Al-anon meeting. Al-anon is helping me to focus on my needs and how to take care of myself. I am also welcomed at the meetings by so many people that have experienced living with active alcoholism.
Maybe you can find al-anon in your community.
I meant to add this:
The day I asked my AH to leave was right after my first Al-anon meeting. Al-anon is helping me to focus on my needs and how to take care of myself. I am also welcomed at the meetings by so many people that have experienced living with active alcoholism.
Maybe you can find al-anon in your community.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
for me, i always try to see it as a battle with the disease: me-- the codependent-- vs. the disease.
so i would say to myself "the disease hates this new boundary", "the disease is really panicking now", "the disease is becoming more dangerous to my safety," "the disease wants me to hate myself"....etc. as long as the man i loved was active in his addiction, as far as i was concerned, it was me vs. the disease.
it's a lot easier to fight for your life that way. the disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. and it definitely has us in its line of fire.
so do keep doing the right things...with support. alone, we always succumb. it brings us to our knees.
you'll be all right as long as you stay with recovering people through this. all the very best to you.
so i would say to myself "the disease hates this new boundary", "the disease is really panicking now", "the disease is becoming more dangerous to my safety," "the disease wants me to hate myself"....etc. as long as the man i loved was active in his addiction, as far as i was concerned, it was me vs. the disease.
it's a lot easier to fight for your life that way. the disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. and it definitely has us in its line of fire.
so do keep doing the right things...with support. alone, we always succumb. it brings us to our knees.
you'll be all right as long as you stay with recovering people through this. all the very best to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Happiness Fairy 
Freedom, it is so hard to live in the moment, but you are totally right! It's all about changing my thinking. And yes, it helps to keep telling myself that it's the best for the kids. I, too, grew up in an alcoholic/codependent family and I want to stop the cycle right here. My kids deserve better!
The beauty of having recovery for ourselves is we can break that cycle, hon. Your kids are very blessed to have you for a mom! :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Hi Happiness,
What a courageous thing to do! Choose YOU and YOUR CHILDREN over an A. You did it!
It's interesting - they are the ones who are unhealthy, mean, confused, addicted, unsteady, passed out, etc, but they tell us how horrible we are.
The best part is...we believe it sometimes!
What makes me think that I am the reason my ABF went on a binge last year after I'd shown him a receipt from a liquor store, proving he was still drinking? Hmmmm. Was the binge really my fault or was it his choice?
What makes me feel terrible about wanting to ask him to leave because I'm unhappy? My happiness is not the requirement (no pun intended!). That's why. His well-being is. And if I ask him to leave, he'll be lost; he can't keep up with his share of our expenses, the restaurant business is suffering from the economy (he's a waiter for 32 years, that should have told me something!) and one his two jobs may be closing down next month. This is all, indeed, my fault.
...Or is it?
We take on their responsibilities. Then we protect them from suffering the consequences of their actions. We've been open and honest and loving, and through that they've learned our Hot Buttons (a term sales people use). So, our dear ABFs and AHs know what buttons to push when necessary. Mine are the Silent Treatment and You've Saved Me. Do/Say that, and I'm hypnotized. They press our Hot Buttons, and knowing that we do care; they trigger that need to do the right thing, to be the good wife, to be supportive and loving - and poof, we're feeling bad for wanting more, better, safer and healthier conditions for ourselves and our children. We actually feel guilty for wanting to be safe.
Don't fall for it, Happiness. You have done the right thing. We want to believe that our A's are going to change, they are really good people, they just need someone to believe in them, etc. No - they can be very distructive because their awareness and abilities are altered. That's not judgement, that's fact. So you're leaving the AH so that he can not be a danger (physically or emotionally) to yourself and to your children.
GREAT work. Be strong. I can't wait until I can add an X to the AB. It's a process and when I'm ready to deal, and I'm as courageous as you are, I will.
R.
What a courageous thing to do! Choose YOU and YOUR CHILDREN over an A. You did it!
It's interesting - they are the ones who are unhealthy, mean, confused, addicted, unsteady, passed out, etc, but they tell us how horrible we are.
The best part is...we believe it sometimes!
What makes me think that I am the reason my ABF went on a binge last year after I'd shown him a receipt from a liquor store, proving he was still drinking? Hmmmm. Was the binge really my fault or was it his choice?
What makes me feel terrible about wanting to ask him to leave because I'm unhappy? My happiness is not the requirement (no pun intended!). That's why. His well-being is. And if I ask him to leave, he'll be lost; he can't keep up with his share of our expenses, the restaurant business is suffering from the economy (he's a waiter for 32 years, that should have told me something!) and one his two jobs may be closing down next month. This is all, indeed, my fault.
...Or is it?
We take on their responsibilities. Then we protect them from suffering the consequences of their actions. We've been open and honest and loving, and through that they've learned our Hot Buttons (a term sales people use). So, our dear ABFs and AHs know what buttons to push when necessary. Mine are the Silent Treatment and You've Saved Me. Do/Say that, and I'm hypnotized. They press our Hot Buttons, and knowing that we do care; they trigger that need to do the right thing, to be the good wife, to be supportive and loving - and poof, we're feeling bad for wanting more, better, safer and healthier conditions for ourselves and our children. We actually feel guilty for wanting to be safe.
Don't fall for it, Happiness. You have done the right thing. We want to believe that our A's are going to change, they are really good people, they just need someone to believe in them, etc. No - they can be very distructive because their awareness and abilities are altered. That's not judgement, that's fact. So you're leaving the AH so that he can not be a danger (physically or emotionally) to yourself and to your children.
GREAT work. Be strong. I can't wait until I can add an X to the AB. It's a process and when I'm ready to deal, and I'm as courageous as you are, I will.
R.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
It was two years ago this month that I posted this and gained such encouragement and strength from all the feedback. But, like an idiot, my AH sweet talked me and I took him back (a month later!!!!). Now, here we are, another two years and another kid later, back to the exact same place. I filed for divorce yesterday and told him this last night. He cried, begged, pleaded for me to PLEASE give him one more chance - funny right? What about the other hundred or so chances he already got? Why now that I have filed for divorce does it suddenly matter?
I feel like a total idiot. What a wasted 2 years (although not totally or my youngest wouldn't be here right now). So, here I am with a 10 year old, 2 year old, and a 1 year old, divorce papers filed, and actually listening to his boo-hoo story and considering JUST ONE MORE CHANCE. What is wrong me?! Somebody stop me! I'm going to see my therapist ASAP - hopefully she'll slap me on the forehead and I'll will regain my faculties!
OMG - how am I going to do this?! I know there are others out there who have gone through this same song and dance... Words of wisdom and advice would be SO helpful right now.
I feel like a total idiot. What a wasted 2 years (although not totally or my youngest wouldn't be here right now). So, here I am with a 10 year old, 2 year old, and a 1 year old, divorce papers filed, and actually listening to his boo-hoo story and considering JUST ONE MORE CHANCE. What is wrong me?! Somebody stop me! I'm going to see my therapist ASAP - hopefully she'll slap me on the forehead and I'll will regain my faculties!
OMG - how am I going to do this?! I know there are others out there who have gone through this same song and dance... Words of wisdom and advice would be SO helpful right now.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Look, you've filed for divorce. You had good reasons for doing that, and also good reasons to believe these promises of his are just a reaction to this little bit of news that he should have seen coming for a LONG TIME.
Let the process go forward. If, someday, he does recover, you can reconcile if you want to. But it sounds like you've given him a lot of chances, and holding onto his family wasn't enough to get him to quit drinking before, so you have no reason to believe it will be any different this time if you stay.
Hugs,
Look, you've filed for divorce. You had good reasons for doing that, and also good reasons to believe these promises of his are just a reaction to this little bit of news that he should have seen coming for a LONG TIME.
Let the process go forward. If, someday, he does recover, you can reconcile if you want to. But it sounds like you've given him a lot of chances, and holding onto his family wasn't enough to get him to quit drinking before, so you have no reason to believe it will be any different this time if you stay.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Hi Happiness, 
First off I will say you are not an idiot. Because if you are, so am I, and i refuse to believe that us being forgiving, supportive, patient, and understanding, and learning life's lessons the hard way makes us idiots.
I just finally left my ABF, after months and months of the same things... the same promises of change... the same 'one more chance, I can't do it without you'. Last year, at one point, I kicked him out, and he was so convinced that we needed to be together, and he was going to change and be everything he promised he would be, that his attempts at making me realize these things made me physically (and emotionally) uncomfortable. Showing up at the house all hours, phone calls and sobbing messages, suicidal, showing up at my work, waiting for me in the parking lot, etc. I ended up involving the police, because I feared for his safety as well as mine.
Eventually, I gave him another chance. Do you think he remembered any of the promises he made? Do you think he remembered the pain he was in every day that he didn't have me by his side, the sobbing and begging and pleading? Do you think he did everything possible to be sure he would never have to go through that misery again? Of course not. Within 2 months he was drinking and driving again, coming home drunk, spending money we didn't have, you get the picture. The disease makes it impossible for them to keep these promises. I do believe at the time he meant all of them, but he just isn't capable if doing what he says. He is a very sick man.
And me, I'm not an idiot, i'm just sick. Sometimes sicker than he is. He is to me like alcohol is to him. He is my addiction, what I kept going back to, time after time, no matter how much I knew it was destroying my chances at happiness. A's are so good at convincing themselves that they can control their drinking (every single A has tried to "cut back" or "only drink on the weekends", "only drink beer now") I had convinced myself that there were things I could do to still have MY addiction in my life, i could 'control' it. Deep down I knew the relationship wasn't good for me, that it was only going to get worse, and that I needed to do something about it. But I just couldn't help myself, each time something happened it was so easy to convince myself of the excuses, his excuses and mine, and why I should give him one more chance. This time he really means it. Last time I didn't communicate enough. Last time I wasn't understanding enough. Whatever.
Some of us take longer to hit bottom than others. It doesn't make us any less of human beings. What is important is what we do once we get there. I couldn't do it before I was really ready to do it. I'm out of excuses now, I've officially tried everything, been the most supportive, understanding, loving, forgiving person I could be, and (even though others here had told me before) it didn't work. I had to learn it on my own. I can leave this relationship now, no matter what he says, knowing that the only way to beat my addiction to him is to quit 100%. Like an alcoholic who walks into his first meeting battered, degraded, and defeated, I am in the same place. And there is NOTHING he can say to change my mind.
Luckily we have things like Al-Anon and SR, and every day I learn new ways to face my addiction and move past it, replacing old habits with healthy ones, reprogramming the way I think of myself and others. It's a long process, and I slip/relapse on a regular basis, but as long as I am honest with myself about where I was and how desperate I am not to be there ever again, I can keep moving forward with my head up, eyes and heart open, knowing that things can only get better from here.
At least that's what I tell myself
First off I will say you are not an idiot. Because if you are, so am I, and i refuse to believe that us being forgiving, supportive, patient, and understanding, and learning life's lessons the hard way makes us idiots.
I just finally left my ABF, after months and months of the same things... the same promises of change... the same 'one more chance, I can't do it without you'. Last year, at one point, I kicked him out, and he was so convinced that we needed to be together, and he was going to change and be everything he promised he would be, that his attempts at making me realize these things made me physically (and emotionally) uncomfortable. Showing up at the house all hours, phone calls and sobbing messages, suicidal, showing up at my work, waiting for me in the parking lot, etc. I ended up involving the police, because I feared for his safety as well as mine.
Eventually, I gave him another chance. Do you think he remembered any of the promises he made? Do you think he remembered the pain he was in every day that he didn't have me by his side, the sobbing and begging and pleading? Do you think he did everything possible to be sure he would never have to go through that misery again? Of course not. Within 2 months he was drinking and driving again, coming home drunk, spending money we didn't have, you get the picture. The disease makes it impossible for them to keep these promises. I do believe at the time he meant all of them, but he just isn't capable if doing what he says. He is a very sick man.
And me, I'm not an idiot, i'm just sick. Sometimes sicker than he is. He is to me like alcohol is to him. He is my addiction, what I kept going back to, time after time, no matter how much I knew it was destroying my chances at happiness. A's are so good at convincing themselves that they can control their drinking (every single A has tried to "cut back" or "only drink on the weekends", "only drink beer now") I had convinced myself that there were things I could do to still have MY addiction in my life, i could 'control' it. Deep down I knew the relationship wasn't good for me, that it was only going to get worse, and that I needed to do something about it. But I just couldn't help myself, each time something happened it was so easy to convince myself of the excuses, his excuses and mine, and why I should give him one more chance. This time he really means it. Last time I didn't communicate enough. Last time I wasn't understanding enough. Whatever.
Some of us take longer to hit bottom than others. It doesn't make us any less of human beings. What is important is what we do once we get there. I couldn't do it before I was really ready to do it. I'm out of excuses now, I've officially tried everything, been the most supportive, understanding, loving, forgiving person I could be, and (even though others here had told me before) it didn't work. I had to learn it on my own. I can leave this relationship now, no matter what he says, knowing that the only way to beat my addiction to him is to quit 100%. Like an alcoholic who walks into his first meeting battered, degraded, and defeated, I am in the same place. And there is NOTHING he can say to change my mind.
Luckily we have things like Al-Anon and SR, and every day I learn new ways to face my addiction and move past it, replacing old habits with healthy ones, reprogramming the way I think of myself and others. It's a long process, and I slip/relapse on a regular basis, but as long as I am honest with myself about where I was and how desperate I am not to be there ever again, I can keep moving forward with my head up, eyes and heart open, knowing that things can only get better from here.
At least that's what I tell myself
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