outonalimb

My exah has a 15 year old daughter.

I was her step mom from the ages of 2 to 11. After my exah and I divorced, I tried to maintain a relationship with her. I had her over on weekend visits...had her over to celebrate every holiday (since her mom doesn't 'do' holidays). I tried to be a positive force in her life.

But, gradually, she has drifted away.
She hasn't wanted to come over very often.
When she did come over, it was only because she wanted something...
When she did come over, she was surly and sulky...hiding away in a corner with her cellphone... When I would get after her for her disrestpectful attitude she shut me out and went back to her mom's house where not much was expected of her in school or in life.

I wrote her behavior off as teenage angst. I prayed that some day she would return to 'normal' and we could resume the relationship we once had.

Several months ago, I looked at some pics on her cell phone...not 'snooping', really...just curious...and I saw pictures of her and her friends 'partying' with weed and alcohol. I was flabbergasted.

I didn't say anything to her but I did tell her dad and mom and let them handle it...because I'm NOT her mother...and felt it was her parent's responsiblity to deal with the issue.

Well...they didn't deal with it.
A week ago, she was caught in school with a xanax pill.
She was taken to the local PD, held in a holding cell until her mom could pick her up, and suspended from school for three days.

This time I did say something. I had a long talk with her...I told her everything I could think of that might ring a bell with a 15 year old who thinks she knows everything and that I, a 'square adult', know nothing about.
The only avenue I have for punishing her is taking away her cellphone (since I pay for it). I suspended service indefinitely and told her she could get it back when I saw an improvement in her attitude and a good report card.

She watched her dad fall into addiction with heroin.
She knows what this stuff does.
I've had talks with her all these years about the dangers of alcohol given the alcoholism that runs in her dad's side of the family.

I didn't think she'd go down this path.
But I think she is.
And I'm pretty powerless, really, to do much about it except pray.
I'm just really sad about it.
And scared for her too.

I wish I could try to do more...I wish I had more authority over her...but she has pretty free rein at her mom's house and I don't think much will be done. I am powerless. And I just feel really scared and sad about it. God, I hate drugs.

cece1960

Geez I'm sorry Out.
You have done what you could.
Remember she has an HP looking after her. She may stumble and fall a bit finding her way, but her recent bust may give her a little push in the right direction.
((((Hugs))))

breakingfree88

My heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult to be in a position that leaves you so powerless. The fact that you love her and want to give her the best chance at having a healthy life but have no authority to set rules/enforce boundaries (except where you have already done so, like with the cellphone, which IMO was a good idea).
I'll be thinking of you and your situation but I feel you're doing the absolute best that you can do for her. Put her in your HP's hands and trust that what happens will work out for the best in the end.
Love,
Holly

outtolunch

Cutting off the cell phone is good stuff.


Pray.

Done_With_It

It's frustrating. My neighbor was like my little sister, she was over my house more than her house growing up, I was the big sister she never had, was one of those hard lessons I had to learn. Thought I'd never lose that girl, her and her friends came to "Me" for everything, advice about sex, what is this, what's that, the first time one of them got pregnant, advice about drugs, you name it......

Now they are the rudest, most inconsiderate kids you could ever meet, you wouldn't want to meet them on the street, they steal, lie, do drugs, it amazes me.

I remember some of their parents coming to me asking me what to do, I'm like
I don't freakin know???
I occasionally get an email from one of them, so I think their is hope, but damn it hurts,
and it is a long and hard process to watch them............

I'm sorry out, I remember watching them at about 15 and that was a tough age.
I think a lot of it has to do with the food & computers these days to be honest. It makes them
crazy. : ]




:ghug3

rayofsunshine

Yeah, I agree with Miss Done... the preservatives in the food, computers and cell phone-itis (from the constant texting) make teenagers today a whole lot different from when I grew up. (I have 3 in the house! LOL)

:praying for your step-daughter and for you too!

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My niece, Brit, is 15. She lives with us, as her mom died when Brit was 1, and her "dad" is an addict. Brit's "experimented" with weed and alcohol. My dad and I try to set boundaries and rules, but my stepmom is the ultimate codie and is now addicted to pain pills and goes behind our back and lets Brit do what she wants. It's really hard to watch. I found out she'd given Brit lortabs for "cramps" and hit the roof.

Brit, too, knows all about addiction. I've been very honest about MY addiction. I try to lead by example, we have a good relationship and she knows she can talk to me. I find it hard to figure out what is normal teenage behavior and what is addict behavior...darned if they don't seem pretty much alike!

All I know to do is pray a lot, turn her over to HP, and keep the lines of communication open. She saw me go from an RN with the convertible mustang, to being locked up, and now waiting tables, struggling to make ends meet. I think it's had an impact on her. Her "dad" has also stolen money from her to buy drugs. So far, she's not too keen on the drugs, but we all know peer pressure is strong.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

outonalimb

Oh, Yes...I absolutely agree !!

The texting drives me insane. How can a 15 year old girl send and receive over 4000 texts a month? I disabled her texting capabilities during school hours about 4 months ago over concerns about her grades and attitude. Its so irritating. You can't carry on a conversation with them because they are constantly texting and being texted back. Its so obnoxious !!

I know I'm powerless.
I turn her over to her HP and hope she loves herself enough to stay away from the drugs.

Thanks for the words of support.:ghug3

greeteachday

((((OOAL))))
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think you did well to take away the cell phone since that is one thing you "can" control. It's so difficult to imagine after seeing all the pain, that a child would still try. But we all have the power of choice, and unfortunately I think young ones believe they are invinsible and as close as reality is, bad things won't happen to them.
She's in my prayers, as you and your son always are (how is my favorite young man? ) I'm glad you have the tools to get through this Lots of hugs

rose

I didn't know how to put it in words...teens do experiment and with us sometimes we can over react...but we just want to stop it in its tracks. Impurrect put it into good words...are they teens or addicts. My boys sure smoked their share of weed and it all started when they we 15...nasty age. I am sure you recall my posts. I just could not believe that they would do this after what we went through with their dad.

I feel with you Out!

Rose

Done_With_It

I think you just never know. I experimented, I was never safe with my eating issues, but never had problems with anything I ever 'experimented' with.
Thought drugs were silly, stupid.

But I was a grown adult living on my own, when I took that first line of
speed, we bonded like leather and lace.

You just never know, it's like playing russian roulette.
You can play the game, but you never know. I don't think I have all the
'traits' of some addicts I see, but........

dang drugs these days, they aren't like they used to be. and I think it is just going to keep getting worse. I think "some" of these drugs out there can turns teens into addicts.

JMO......

sleepygoat

In my experience with my AD, the kid grew up in meetings, and with understanding of addiction. She knows and she knew - it wasn't a matter of not knowing. It wasn't a matter of 'limits' either. Unfortunately my daughter got the disease of addiction - from me and from her biological father whom I met in "the rooms" because we have it and she got unlucky and has it too. NOTHING I did or didn't do caused that except conceiving her I suppose. We didn't cause it. That means it wasn't my fault or her father's (except in the biological genetic sense). We can't control it - that means examples, boundaries, education, after school activities, church, etc, etc, etc, DON"T change the fact of a disease. She has it or she doesn't have it and we can't control that!! We Can't Cure it - getting her help early, forcing them into treatment, removiing them from 'bad' environment - nope - they still have the diseaes of addiction and won't stop until they want to. Look, i've been there and done all that - we want to be able to blame someone and we want to think if this, if that, if only - its all still about us wanting to control something we are powerless over. If I knew then what I know now, I would have adopted a baby instead of breed one - given the high liklihood any child I had would be an addict due to the genetic link. I really though, "Oh, my kid has seen the disease and the recovery and she would know better." NOPE. Then I thought,"Well she doesn't have the problems I had growing up, so she won't use" NOPE, she still did. Then I thought, "Well, she knows where to go for help, so it won't last" NOPE, she ruined her life so far (HIV/AIDS, criminal record, prostitution....., still using).

the only power we have over the disease of addiction is the power of prayer.

Ann

I think she is very blessed to have you in her life. Taking away the phone was a good move. I too don't like what I see with teens (and adults too) texting all the time. Sheesh, do they have to talk all day with everyone?

You have done what you can do. We can only pray for the rest. My prayers go out that this girl will find her way to a better path soon, before she gets lost in the jungle.

Hugs