ItsmeAlice

I think I have hit a bit of a wall in detaching from my ABF and putting my efforts towards me.

I started out taking some quiet time each morning to process my thoughts and make small daily goals for myself. Now, I find my thoughts always turn towards something my ABF has done that has upset me, something he has said that hurt or manipulated me, or some way that his drinking pattern has changed and what that might mean.

I find myself focusing on what I should say to him or what action I should take that will make him "see the light" and make him change his behavior in some way. I keep trying to slant what I do for me to have some effect on him. Of course, we all know what this is...codie nonsense...but I can't seem to let it go.

A prime example of this is last weekend when he decided to stay out all night drinking. I accepted easily that he wasn't coming home, and I didn't feel worried or tense about it, but I was so distracted by what I should say in response when he finally did return or what I should do so he knew how rude and inconsiderate he was that I couldn't enjoy the time to myself.

How can I keep the focus on me and not him? How can I keep my recovery to myself and not try to elicit a response from him with it? What do you do when/if this happens to you?

In the weeds.

Alice

Freedom1990

I have no suggestions for you. I could not live with a practicing alcoholic and have any semblance of sanity at all.

I deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, and love. I wasn't going to get that with an active alcoholic, and no amount of detachment would change that.

:ghug :ghug

Still Waters

I'm the same as Freedom, I couldn't do it - so I had to leave.

Then you just aren't ready to let it go, that's all. Took me a long time, takes some shorter, some never let it go at all.

GiveLove

Alice, is it okay with you that he stays out all night drinking? Is it TRULY okay? This is the relationship you've always wanted? This is what you consider honorable and loving behavior?

I too take a short meditative time every morning. I try to run through the steps from Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet" ==

Nothing: Fifteen minutes of nothing, clearing my mind
Truth: Being 100% honest with myself about how I feel. Asking myself questions: what hurts right now? what is the story I'm telling myself? can I be sure my story is true? etc
Desire: What is it my heart desires, today, right now, this week?......etc

Making things be about me assumes that I can escape current reality and see a bigger, broader reality. I don't know of a way to combat the fact that his behavior is savagely disrespecting you, he KNOWS it is disrespecting you, and he does nothing to change it, and this will continue (as it stands right now) for the rest of your life.

I simply wouldn't know any way to turn this around and make it just about me.

And know that I'm d@mned good at doing that, after so many years of practice. Heck, I can make the whole Recession about me if I want to.

But the big problem comes because "Me" knows that I'm being taken advantage of, that I'm being disrespected, and that I'm basing my current life on illusions. ME knows that I deserve better treatment, and that my goal of making it "not matter" in my heart just won't work. There was just no quieting that down in my heart, because it's not meant to be quieted down. It was a big screaming hint that I'm damaging myself by staying -- and the self-hatred I generated by FORCING myself to stay in a bad, disrespectful situation was enormous, crowding out any serenity I tried for. How could I make it about me? I didn't even respect myself.

What I'm saying is that maybe disrespect is simply something you can't get past, no matter how much Me Time you schedule for yourself. I wish I had a better answer.

My answer was to be honest about what hurt, set better boundaries, and protect them. Then I knew I could trust and respect myself again, and could get back to the business of inner work in relative peace.

Just me.....

Good luck...

Bernadette

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

Rinse. Repeat!!!!

Repeat 100x if necessary!

It's not like clicking a switch - it takes time and discipline to get to the place of: acceptance.

There is no right or wrong answer or thing to say that will affect him in the way of your choosing. I mean, you can say whatever you want, or you can say nothing, but if you're carrying an expectation of a certain kind of response from him then you have not accepted your powerlessness over other people.

Maintaining expectations is a way of keeping your mind in the knot of other people's problems. It's a super easy and convenient way to avoid the discomfort of looking at yourself. It is, in effect, your DOC.

I needed AlAnon and one-on-one therapy to untangle the knots and free myself from the constant distraction of my brothers alcoholism or my exH's irresponsibility.

It's good you said you can make little plans and goals for yourself each day. Maybe try making a plan for when the anxious focusing on him starts? Like an envelope with some of your own goals or even odd jobs written on slips of paper -- just pull one out and then discipline your mind to focus on that.

Or anytime you are struggling to think of the right response, the right compelling words to say, that is your signal to stop, breathe, and SAY NOTHING!! Try that a few dozen times and see if that helps you change.

It takes real effort to change your own mind and patterns of thinking - so just keep at it-- perseverance is the key!

peace,
b

Daisy30

two thoughts come to mind

When this happens to me , I have to search inside myself to figure out why I am feeling this way. I know when I feel angry it is my mind fighting acceptence of something. So I then ask myself what am I failing to accept in this situation.



I have found it helpful when I am obsessing over something to give myself a time limit.
EX. You can obsess about this for 30 minutes and then you have to let it go.
Then the next day make it less time...say 20 minutes...etc. till you find you no longer need to think about it.

Freedom1990

Alice, what are you getting out of the relationship?

What is the payoff for you? Honestly?

ItsmeAlice

Thank you all for such a quick responses!

I don't want the relationship I have. I don't want the disrespect, mistrust, and manipulation. No, it's not okay with me. My life feels like a perfectly ripe, juicy apple with a bruised spot on it. I'm trying to cut away the bruise without losing the whole peice of fruit.

I am really stuck in my current living situation, and I'm working to change that. Until I can get out, I'm trying to at least make some forward movement in my recovery and keep that bruise from spreading.

The absolute last thing I want is to finally get the funds together, gather up my herd, and move out on our own only to find myself feeling lost without him or obsessing over what he's doing. I don't want to wind up emotionally paralyzed after all of this.

I will definitely try your suggestions, and I feel silly not having thought to recite the serenity prayer.

IO Storm

Focus on yourself and.."your herd"...make sure you are putting time into the kids.

I don't know what ages they are..or who belongs to whom.

Hurry and decision are your enemy..stay calm, and your answers will come.

Hugs

silkspin

When my thoughts start to run off, I picture a large red stop sign in my head. It helps to activate my thoughts rather than letting them run on passively and then I can turn my attention to something else. Kind of snapping myself out of it.

An Al Anon friend gave me some useful advice recently - if I start feeling a certain way - angry, anxious etc (and this usually comes when I start letting my thoughts wander into codie-land), look up that feeling in the index of one of my Al Anon books and read up on it. As Daisy30 said, it helps to figure out why I'm feeling that way and helps for me to work through the feeling and move on. I did it last week and to my surprise, really worked well.

I think we all have times where our thinking goes down the wrong road but I think the key is to be aware of it, which you are. Once you're aware, you can do something about it. Practice stopping your negative and/or codie thoughts and it will get easier and naturally it will start happening less and less. But as the others also said, you have to be ready. Sometimes we travel back down the codie road because what we see ahead is scary - when you start thinking in healthier terms it means you may have to tackle some truths or realities you've been avoiding.

ItsmeAlice

Thank you both. I did better with things this morning.

Thankfully, I was able to turn my "meditation" time back to me, and I started my day on a much better note.

Your suggestions are all very much appreciated.

Alice

GiveLove

I had forgotten that you were trying to jockey for position financially in order to feel better about leaving.

But there is definitely something ominous in the fact that this person is treating you SO badly, and you still fear that you're going to want to come back if you leave. Do you agree that this isn't normal behavior?

Could you see it if you saw it in another person? What would you think if you met someone who was really treated like dirt, but they still came crawling back for another rap on the snout? What sort of self-help would you recommend to them, in order to grow their self-esteem to the point where they could say to him, with clear conscience and flashing eyes:

"Not one more minute with you, not ever, you abusive piece of cr@p."

Which is, you have to admit, the correct response when one is repeatedly treated with such disrespect.

Perhaps you are not reaching your financial goals because it's something else that's really keeping you there. Maybe there's a little self-sabotage at work.

I hope you find out what it is -- and I'm glad you're having a better day!!!!

ItsmeAlice

What's holding me is purely financial. I just don't have a way to get from where we are to where I need to be (several states away), and I don't make enough money to support myself when I get there. My friends and family are also not able to support me. I left my previous career, went to school, and have just gotten into my new profession so I'm starting low in pay. This will improve after the summer.

I would seriously kick his butt on the street, but the housing we have is part of his job. If he loses his job, quits or takes a new one, which he may do, I have to leave.

Now, I have an evacuation plan set up, but that is my backup parachute and I don't want to use that option unless I am in harms way or left hanging. It makes me a burden to others, and I'm not at the point where I can accept being one.

I have set at least one boundary. I have only talked to him about his drinking once since joining here, and it was he who pressed the issue. When he figured out I was talking about his drinking, he got agitated, and I walked away.

This past weekend was the first time in many years that he stayed out all night like that. I was caught off guard. He did call, drunk, at one point to tell me where he was, but by then I had figured it out. I just said fine and hung up. He can come and go to his own house as he pleases. I don't have much defense against that.

My contact with him is very limited up to an hour a day if that. If he is at home when I start to make dinner, I include him because I have always done the cooking, and we cannot afford the heat-and-eat meals that he is able to make. We will then eat together and make small talk. If he's intoxicated or irritable, I leave to eat. When dinner's done, I leave to work, work out, read, do yoga, play with the dogs, whatever...he sleeps on the sofa. (He's always slept on the sofa. He says he prefers it.) I used to try to get him to come to bed. When he started drinking, I stopped trying.

Sorry...this got kinda long.

You are right about my holding back. I do find myself getting discouraged when I check rental listings and I try to put money aside each month for moving expenses. I find myself going days without making any progress or without pushing myself to save that extra dollar or clean out those unused items to sell on Craiglist. When you feel stuck in one way, I guess you start to feel stuck in other ways as well. There is a lot I can do, I'm just not doing it as quickly as I guess I should. That's why I thought my focus was waining and I wondered how I might fight to get it back.

silkspin

Sounds to me like you're treading water, possibly some self-sabotage as GiveLove said. I understand that feeling - AH's drinking wasn't constant and he wasn't mean or abusive and life went on as 'normal' in between and it lulled me into a sense that this is what my life is. The light really started to turn on after I started alanon. I had come to accept my life as going through the motions, but I hadn't been ready to admit the truth, that my H was an A, that my life as I wished or had pictured it was not what it was. It's heartbreaking, really. Not so much that I have expectations anymore, but sometimes I want so badly for it to have been the thing of my dreams when I first met him. It is really hard to come to terms with that and that, even if he's in recovery, he still may not be what I want. Maybe you're hanging on to that same thing and you're keeping a foot in that life, in hopes that something will change. What I must keep faith in, is that despite these heartwrenching realities, happiness is still in my future.

GiveLove

I left my first abusive BF and rented a room in a big house with my own bath for (today's equivalent of) about $400.00/month including utilities. It was an adventure, like camping out. I love being alone, and so I was absolutely amazed that such a situation could be so happy. Like you, we'd been doing everything separately, avoiding each other, and other high-stress eggshell-walking. It was a really sad, soul-sucking time, but I couldn't see that while I was in it.

There came a time when I knew it wasn't really the money keeping me there, but fear of change. But I understand 100%, Alice, honestly I do. When I was done with that half-hearted existence and saw that it was really hurting me on deep levels, then and only then did I start to take risks to get out - and not one minute before.

Focusing on you is a great way to pass the time until you feel right about making a change

silkspin

soul sucking is right; a great way to put it, GiveLove.

tallulah

My life before I said I was thinking of leaving was a really weird place. Sad, soul-sucking about sums it up perfectly. There was a flicker of something still there between us in the relationship (I think) but I was beat emotionally. I just retreated. Dimmed the light inside me and faded into the woodwork. Made myself very 'small'. Stopped thinking about or caring about the things said and done that would hurt me. My ex was carrying on a covert email conversation with someone which I never knew whether it ended after I found out.... and I stopped caring. Because to care would just mean the same hurt for me which would include verbal abuse and his anger possibly coupled with his lies. I suppose I was fed up of being the whipping post. I became ineffectual.

Then I woke up one morning and thought wtf am I becoming. I had gone from this sassy gal to well I have no clue but I sure as hell didn't recognise her. I wasn't depressed but I was in this horrible fug and lost. Of course as soon as I held a spotlight up to it I knew what the problem was.

So I planned to leave. Now planning to leave is great if you can get all your ducks in a row with the minimum of fuss but in my case that didn't happen. See when I planned to leave I stopped being girlfriend scared and I just became single me. The light started to shine a bit brighter. I detached completely. I started to think about a life without the A in it and... gasp... perhaps an emotionally available man instead. I'm not saying I wasn't sad at the demise of what I thought was the love of my life.. I'm human.. but I had a future back and as uncertain as it was it was no more scary than the past I was leaving behind. I don't think the A liked that. Well that is the impression I got. And that is why, even though I had nothing more fixed than a place to store my stuff and a half baked plan to spend some time with family/friends, I had to stop waiting for everything to be perfect for me to leave. Because the truth was I could have still been there in a years time treading water for the perfect opportunity.

The time spent in the company of the A yet 'out' of the relationship.. in relation to where I am now.. did nothing to help keeping it about me. Maybe you can do it but with hindsight I think it is nigh on impossible.

I went to a meeting last night and the share was about balance and keeping a foot firmly planted. My life with the A was unbalanced. Small wonder really. But I've been away from the A for just over two weeks. An eventful two weeks. On paper a two weeks which would leave people wobbling like they were on slippery rocks. But I have not been so focussed and productive for what seems like ages. Sure life is throwing some obstacles and challenges my way but I am meeting each of them and getting things done. The sparky sassy get things done gal is back... maybe not completely just yet but she's getting there.

I have just taken a call about my car... (Long story but there was a bit of a debacle about the warranty. I was asked to call up the warranty company because they were giving the garage the runaround. So I did and hey presto the problem got solved).. the guy at the garage I have been dealing with has just said he is looking forward to meeting me 'the girl who gets things done'. You have no idea how that has made me smile.

Time you smiled miss... :ghug3

ItsmeAlice

Thanks T-
I was thinking about the replies to my post today, and I was feeling pretty low.

The idea that I'm just passing the time and treading water makes it sound like I'm not even trying to better my life. Two months ago I didn't think I deserved anything but what I had. I believed I made this bed and I had to lie in it. I started reading here thinking I might find a new way to make the best of my situation or some method I hadn't tried yet to fix things for us. I've stopped trying to fix him and now I'm fixing me. It was only a month ago that I began to really believe I needed to leave for my own wellbeing and now I'm making that happen.

The suggestions I received are really helping me to stay positive, focus on what I want and how I intend to make that happen, and to avoid getting caught up in what he's doing and what I think it means for me.

I may not being fast, but I'll get there.

**Glad your doing well T !!

tallulah

Hope you don't think I'm belittling your progress babe. I wouldn't dream of it. Every step in the right direction, no matter how large or how small, is fabulous progress.. :ghug

It's easy for me to sound all 'go getting' and 'hey I'm off the rollercoaster'... I got wrenched out of there like some emergency caeserian. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It was and is traumatic. I may sound upbeat and positive but trust me I have my downs too. It's hard has hell leaving someone you love under any circumstances: couple that with injury and massive breach of trust and it is going to effect the strongest of hearts, minds and wills and I am no exception. But now I'm out I can see the wood for the trees... well most of the time... and whilst I'd be lying if I said it was all roses and whistling bluebirds, it isn't as scary as it seems when you are in the swamp wading through.

I got 'pulled out' the way I did for a reason. I'm not very good with the HP thing but in this instance I am willing to accept that.. lol. You will get there when you get there... and when you need to get there. Just take care of you on the journey.

ItsmeAlice

Thanks again friend!

I appreciate the situation you are in deeply. I have a fear in me that I will be in process of moving my things and it will send him over the edge. I remember how you were struggling with your motivation and feeling frustrated and alone in getting your life packed up when his rage struck you down. I so badly want to avoid that. I want to blink and have it all done while he snoozes on the couch.

I'm new to the HP thing, too, but I'm secretly hoping that there will be some cosmic moment that will make is all happen.

I don't feel belittled, just reality struck I guess. I go up and down in my emotions. Being here and reaching out for help and support makes it easier.

I went to the doctor today for my annual checkup. I'm down 34 pounds. My blood pressure was spot on. My BMI is way down. Lots of changes in the last year, all good. My doc was quite pleased. She asked a lot about my home life, and she made some great suggestions for me to try to stay on track with my healthy changes. It was a real boost to me to have someone else see my progress and get excited over it.