cessy68

Hi guys,
I'm just getting to reading all of your posts, I haven't had time to be on the computer the past few days.... I will try to write/respond to you all soon....

I have a problem/dilemma/ inner-battle going on tonight, that is causeing me some signifigant distress... please help. (i'll apoligize for the length of the post up-front... as usual.)

On Thursday morning, my usually self-absorbed bratty teenager, left me a letter in my pocketbook, where it wouldn't be missed... (before he left for school).

When I got to work i found it. I will spare you the details, but in essence- he was the most loving, heart-filled, child I knew I gave birth to.

He told me..."Mom, I know this is going to be hard for you to read, and it's hard for me to write, but I want to help you. I found out about ______'s addiction. I don't want to believe it, but by accident, you must of left the computer open on the addiction recovery website. I'm sorry I looked, but I read everything you wrote......"

The letter goes on and on, about how he dosen't want to believe it's true, that he loves my abf, and considers him a father figure, that he now knows why I get mad sometimes, and he never understood it before, because the abf is such a 'great guy'....

He told me he wants to help me help the abf get rehab.... that he dosen't want him to die... etc. He told me "you shouldn't be going through this alone, or with people on the computer that you don't know... (cute)

I told the abf, and read him the letter. He said he was so sad that my son found out - and that he would 'talk' to him about his problem.... and we'd take it from there.

Well, tonight, when my son came home from his dads, I told him on the way home, "honey- there is nothing you or I can do to 'help' him, he has to 'help' himself." I also told him that the only control I have is to either wait for him to 'get help'... or if his addiction gets in the way of our lives... then I will have to end the relationship. That is the only 'control' I have over his addiction.... (whether he stays or goes.. and how long I will wait for him to get help etc.)

Anyhow, my son was loving and beautiful, and more than understanding.

However, when we came in --- did the abf do what he 'said' he was going to do??? NOPE. And now i'm pissed as all hell. I'm keeping that to myself... but I'm furious. (granted we can't count on addicts to do what they say... but I'm telling you- my abf has ALWAYS taken responsibility for things that go sideways.... especially being there for the kids, and financially etc.)

I don't know what to do. I feel like going downstairs and asking him how he could NOT approach my son---- that I don't CARE how uncomfortable it is for him... that MY SON is now grappeling with his addiction (questions, concerns) and i think HE OWES it to my son to give him the courtesy of a discussion, as he promised me he would.

Am i that far off?

What do I do with these emotions?

Also, If I kick him out now, my son will flip-out, because he already said, he was afraid that I'd do something like that, because he 'told' me he knew about it...

What the heck do i do.
Please help guys.
Love,
cess

Freedom1990

Expectations get me in trouble every time, Cessy, especially when it comes to an active addict.

I've written many letters to my oldest AD, never sent them, but you can bet your bottom dollar I got all that anger out, down on paper, owned it, and let it go.

Sending them to her would serve no purpose because she is never going to understand where I am coming from.

It was for me, to get that anger out, and let it go.

Or...maybe the BF does need to go out the door now. Maybe this is the freight train that is meant to get you angry enough to say enough is enough. I don't know.

Just my two cents which isn't much in this day's economy.

:ghug :ghug

cessy68

I don't know Anvil,

I really don't quite know. That's what I'm asking here.... should I attempt to talk to the abf and tell him that he 'needs' to discuss this with my son, or that something will have to change?? It's not fair for my son to be feeling 'uncomfortable' that my abf won't approach him about something that he now knows...

Also, My son has made it abundantly clear, that If I ask my abf to leave... (because he wrote this letter) that he won't feel 'comfortable' enough to 'talk' to me in the future.

He told me that the abf means alot to him, and that he isn't 'hurting' any of us... but that now that he 'knows' he's worried for his health/saftey.... (meaning my abfs potential demise due to addiction to the pills)

MyJoey

Cessy,

Sorry to hear your son found out. At this point I think I would wait till they are in the same room together and I would bring it up and let your boyfriend handle it from there............not like it's a secret anymore.

cessy68

I don't expect much... but I did expect him to discuss this with my son.....

what happens to my son if I now ask him to leave... (the very thing my son asked me NOT to do, when I first read the letter and talked to him about it...saying.. "mom, do not ask him to leave, I just want to make sure he's ok...I'm worried that he is going to die from takeing pills, they are so bad for you.....")

gotahavfaith

Cessy-

No you are not that far off.

Your son sounds like a beautiful kind kid. Did he know that you told ABF about him knowing?
Did your son know that he was going to talk to him? That would really make me very angry. Maybe your ABF didn't know what to say. Not taking up for him, but you know how addicts are. They don't like to face anything.

I don't have much advise, but maybe he will still talk to him. I hope so for your son's sake. I tend to stuff my feelings sometimes, but sometimes I know its better not to say anything when I am so angry.

You and your son (and ABF) are in my thoughts and prayers tonite.

Gotahavfaith

BayAreaPhoenix

IMO, children need the adults to be adults. We are the ones that understand the WHOLE picture, they do not. Now that he knows, he might need help to understand addiction - counseling, education, I don't know what. When we start trying to make the world what our children want it to be, we are not teaching them the realities of life, we end up in positions that are not good for us, and with your guidance he can learn a lesson in non-codie behavior.

I'm sorry your ABF let your son down, but it's not surprising. At the time, I'm sure he cared. My XAH has a son that he was never part of his growing up years. We have seen him off and on during the years, he's an adult now and has his own child. My XAH stopped calling when his son didn't call him back or not often enough. I did not agree with this. The parent is always the parent, and this kid has had enough - the least my XAH could do (in my not-so-humble opinion ) was at least call and leave a msg. 1x/week. But, nope - couldn't even do that. Every once in a while he would put his son first, but it never lasted too long and my heart would just break for the boy/man. XAH was just not capable. I wish he was.

Your son sounds like a wonderful child/young man!

(((hugs))) to you all

Freedom1990

Addiction sucks up everyone in its path. Now you are seeing it, Cessy. What you had hoped was hidden from your son is out.

Both of my daughters have learned that I am a parent first and foremost.

That has meant at times making decisions that they were not happy with.

So now what? Does BF stay permanently now that the secret is out with your son so that you don't upset your son? See what I'm getting at here?

Things can snowball really fast when it comes to addiction.

Hammerhead

cessy68... I struggling with your question. I've just recently become aware of co-dependency/co-addiction and all of it's ugliness and side effects. Your son is now involved (beyond your control)... such a thoughtful kid to think and worry about his mother... I can't help but think that his recent discovery of abf disease is one thing.... but the drama that has since unfolded might teach your son more than he is emotionally ready for. When it comes to children (I have none) I remember what a wise person once said.... children do not have the same foundation of knowledge we have... i.e. experience and ability to reason and they often think THEY are the cause.

IMHO your abf has no reason to be involved with your child's emotional foundation...period. You are his mother and if you can't explain it to him in a way that can help relieve him of his ownership.... you can't expect the abf to do it and I'm not sure I'd want him to.

Please don't mistake my words as being mean spirited... I say this because I have long running issues with my mother and her emotional abandonment.... so please forgive me getting really squirmy about this. Protect your treasure and maybe think for a moment that it may not be best to involve your child in this level of drama.... keep it short and sweet with him and let him ask the questions and answer honestly and THEN LET IT GO!

BTW it sounds to me like abf may not ready to be a responsible parent.

Much love to you.

ZombieWife

I think it's important for any child (or teen) to know that it's not necessarily a prudent thing to place a lot of hope in "instant recovery" or "the magical rehab program." We, as adults, are prone to giving in too quickly to hope sometimes and think that because an addict agrees to get help, then it just might be the end. Most of us know better. And the pain and disappointment that comes along with that is utterly heartbreaking. And this is for adults.

For children/teens? Many still have stars in their eyes. They're a bit naive. They give trust far more readily and their hope is unabashed and shameless.

In regard to your question. I guess I wouldn't push it. It's a LOT to sit down with a child and tell them this kind of thing. There is the risk of glamorizing it, of brushing it off as no big deal, or of going the other direction and scaring him so much that it effects the teen in a really negative way.

Were I in your shoes, I would probably look for help of some kind--be it counseling or whatnot. Maybe even a book about how to talk to teens about drug addiction. This is heavy heavy stuff. For a teen? Multiply that times a thousand.

I think it's great if the ABF wants to sit down and talk about it, but I can also imagine how much pressure that is on ABF. Now that your son knows, there's even more pressure on him to stay clean. That's two people to be accountable to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: it's a lot. I personally couldn't do this on my own and w/o some kind of support/help. But, you know this situation better than any of us, so in the end, go with your gut.

dorton

How old is your son? I know your son asked you not to kick the ABF out, and I'm not saying you should, but did it occur to you that your son may not know what is best for himself in the long run and that is up to you to figure out. I think you have to ask yourself how is living with an addict, even a functioning one, going to affect your son in the long run. Your son is the one you are responsible for not the ABF so I don't think you should even take him into consideration in this. But that is just my opinion, that and a quarter will get you exactly nothing.

cessy68

Well, the abf just came upstairs to see how my 'homework' was going.... ( i quickly minimized my SR screen and put my essay backup!) slippery little sucker i am. However I took the opportunity to ask him why he didn't discuss this with my son tonight.

He said he didn't know what to say. I told him, "don't you think my 17yr old dosen't know what to say---- knowing you know that HE knows"...

He said he would talk to him tomorrow, that this is hard and uncomfortable for him.
(oh poor baby)
Urgh.

I just let it go. I will see where this goes tomorrow. Unfortunatly he has (the abf) a HUGE busy business deal this week, and I'm sure that will be the NEXT excuse for not talkin to my son.

I guess I will just talk to my son in the meantime, and explain to him yet again, that the abf took pills for a back injury and now he 'can't/won't' stop takeing them. I will also explain to him, that this is beyond our control.... and that if we sit around and 'worry' about him, that we are takeing away our own joy. I will further explain to him, that we could sit and worry about getting hit by a bus on our way home....but what good would that do?

I'm hopeing that the abf will step up... if he dosen't then ultimatly I will end up loosing so much respect for him that the universe might have just handed me a wonderful gift of insight....

thankyou for all your responses.
(p.s.--- when I hit the thankyou button, it hardly ever works, so once in a while it does it, otherwise... i give up and send you all my Thanks!!!!!!!!)

Impurrfect

(((Cessy))))

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but I agree with Freedom...this is what addiction can snowball into.

My only suggestion is that when you're talking to your son, and you're explaining (again) how ABF is the only one who can make the choice to get help and do the work of getting clean, that you also explain how you've recently learned that enabling him may only make him worse. That way he MAY understand, a little bit more, that if you kick out ABF, it has nothing to do with your son, and he also won't wonder why you've never done anything about it in the past, if you already knew about it.

My niece has said the "if you do....I'll never tell you about anything else again", too (she's almost 16). I've told her that, as smart as she is, there are just some things she doesn't know, and she's going to have to trust me, that I am ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. She gets mad, but she has always come around and we have a great relationship, mainly because I'm honest with her.

Big hugs and prayers!

Amy

Nina Kay

Cessy, we haven't spoken here before, but I just wanted to say good luck with the talk with your son. I know that this is so hard. Addiction doesn't really make much sense, even to adults, so I know that it's very hard to make a teenager understand. It sounds like you're explaining things pretty well so far. Just keep trying to stay basic and to the point. (((((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))))

winnie12

Your son sounds like a caring young man. I'm not surprised its taking your bf a while to talk to him - even if he werent an addict - I think its harder for men to "talk" and especially when its about them. I also notice that with some men when they do talk its not in a manner that we would. We would sit down and have a long talk and discuss things in detal where they may just have a short conversation without going into great detail. There's nothing you can do to initiate this conversation and personally I wouldnt push it because you really dont want your son being filled with the same Addict mentality bs that you have been getting. Its hard and confusing for you but it will be even harder for a teenager to understand the difference between truth and manipulation.

You instead are the one who should be talking to your son. Share what you have learned about how to help an addict and what enabling is. Finally try to get your son to understand that whether or not you ask bf to leave is a decision that you have to make based on what is best for your kids and yourself. Your son says it will be hard to trust you but he will get over this. Kids are a lot more dramatic - they think in the present and dont always see the big picture - its up to you to show him the big picture. How you handle this is going to be a huge lesson for his life on what he will put up with in a relationship so take it slowly and with wisdom. Above all make sure your son knows that you are there for him, that you love him, and that whatever is decided will be in his best interests because he comes first.

Callie

Cessy,

I'm sorry your son has to now be involved. I agree with the others that it's not suprising that ABF hasn't stepped up. My first thoughts were that I would want to rip into ABF for acting this way and not stepping up and talking with your ds. But then I started thinking, what would he say anyway that would make things better. Nothing but recovery would make things better. He can say whatever he wants to to ds, but nothing makes it right or better - it's all just quacking.

I'd try to keep the lines of communication open with your son. I also would make sure that he's not shouldering the guilt of ABF leaving should you kick him out. In th end, you're his mom and you need to do what's best for your family whatever that may be.

cessy68

Winnie, my boy is a doll, (I know I usually complain about how selfish - and selfabsorbed he is) but he is also VERY feeling, emotional, and dramatic....just like dear old mom!

this is exactly what I was thinking again today---- why would I even push the abf t have a conversation? For him to quack to my boy?? Mmmmm, something to ponder.

Instead, I had a very, very long conversation with my son alone last night. He is most concerned that I am pained by this--- rather than any affect it has on the abf.

I told him in life, that we are 'pained' by alot of things, and we all have decisions to leave or stay, and that if I got pained enough... I'd have to end it and thats that.

He said, "ma, It's still not easy, I know you love him, and you don't have anyone to 'talk' to about how you feel."

I told him that his mama is alot stronger than he knows, and that if he says some prayers that god keeps me healthy (physically and mentally) that I will be just fine. That the most important thing for me, is to be healthy, and the rest will be what is supposed to be.
He's a good boy.............

I also told him not to 'worry'- that life's too short to 'worry' and anytime he wants to talk to me, I'm here.....

winnie12

You know Cessy i complain about my son all the time but there is one area that i havent told where he has stood by me. My exh was not my son's natural father but was his dad for 12 years. He went to work one day and never came home - never told anyone he was leaving and has still yet to tell us why he left. That man destroyed this family but my son was most angry at him for what he did to me and his sister. I remember the only time that i really had a brawl with my ex (its not in his nature to fight or yell so we always argued nicely) - it was just a few months after we split and i found out that even though we were still married that he had been having his new gf hang out with my daughter. the worst thing was he told my daughter not to tell me - she held this secret in for a few weeks before she finally told her brother who immediately told me. He came to pick up my daughter and i met him on the front porch away from the kids (of course they were listening from the window - duh).

My ex said he didnt have to tell me anything and in fact i had to start driving her to his house for visitation from now on because it was too much gas money (he wasnt even paying child support) I was so mad that I punched him in the face (i know i know this is bad behavior but i had held so much in for so long that i couldnt hold it back.) my ex obviously got upset and started yelling and cussing at me - within seconds the door was flung open and my son was chasing him to his car telling him that he couldnt talk to me like that.

They hurt us so much but when it comes down to it they cant handle anyone - especially another man hurting us. In the end we're Mom and no matter how much they complain and pester us they dont want us to feel pain either. When the man in our lives doesnt take care of us i think a son's natural instinct is to step up and be the protector - i dont think that its their duty but it is honorable. Thanks for reminding me of this.

NeedingHelp7

He sounds like a sweet boy Cessy. As difficult as it is, tt sounds like you are handling this very well with him. You're doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

Serenity Bound

Cessy, Sounds like you did the right thing by explaining the situation to your son, yourself. It's has to be hard for him to understand all that is involved in addiction and living with an addict. H!ll it's hard for us adults. The only other suggestion I have, is that perhaps your son could attend Al-ateen meetings.

Hugs,
Chris