Need Some Direction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Need Some Direction
OK, here goes. I have to talk to someone, so I came to the people who seem to GET IT. I know your not judgemental and only want to help, but why am I so embarassed to ask for help? Maybe it's because I know I have done all the wrong things that have not helped her in the past.
As some of you know, AD is 24 with 2 children ages 2 and 5. They live with me. My daughter had 8 months clean last year and relapsed for 3 months. She came to me in February to tell me that it had all fallen apart again. I already knew this but I just had not said anything. Really, she had to tell me because all her money was gone (income tax), and she had been laid off from her job. She tried to make some quick money with a drug dealer, but the dealer got busted so her money went down the drain (imagine that)
She has been back in treatment for a month, seeing a suboxone dr. Has been going to counseling. I paid for the treatment for 2 months, but I told her that was all I could do and would not spend any more money on HER addiction.. There has been way too much money spent on this addiction S#*! and I am not willing to spend anymore. My husband and I could have went on a really nice vacation (I want to go to ARUBA!) with all the money that I have spent trying to make her well. I tend to keep forgetting that I CAN'T FIX THIS!
Anyways, my husband and I have agreed to let her stay here for the next six months if she stays in treatment. The last time she was really into her treatment. Hopefully that will continue this time. She also starts business college next week. She went and did this all on her own.
What I am struggling with is the everyday things that she needs to be doing. You know, the normal things that families have to do. Taking care of the house, getting up getting her child on the bus ON TIME, having a 2 year old to take care of all day. She just cannot seem to get it together enough to do the normal things in life. My husband and I both work full time but I feel like I am doing WAY more than my share. I know being a single mom is hard, as her ex is still in full blown addiction, doesn't work, can't help with kids etc.
BUT, she has to learn how to live day to day. And I have to learn to let her. Tomorrow I am taking her to her Dr. appt. which is a 2 hour drive and I want to talk to her about my boundaries and expectations.
So I guess what I am asking for is some suggestions on that talk. If anybody could help me out it would be greatly appreciated!!!
Any thoughts?
Thanks
Gotahavfaith
As some of you know, AD is 24 with 2 children ages 2 and 5. They live with me. My daughter had 8 months clean last year and relapsed for 3 months. She came to me in February to tell me that it had all fallen apart again. I already knew this but I just had not said anything. Really, she had to tell me because all her money was gone (income tax), and she had been laid off from her job. She tried to make some quick money with a drug dealer, but the dealer got busted so her money went down the drain (imagine that)
She has been back in treatment for a month, seeing a suboxone dr. Has been going to counseling. I paid for the treatment for 2 months, but I told her that was all I could do and would not spend any more money on HER addiction.. There has been way too much money spent on this addiction S#*! and I am not willing to spend anymore. My husband and I could have went on a really nice vacation (I want to go to ARUBA!) with all the money that I have spent trying to make her well. I tend to keep forgetting that I CAN'T FIX THIS!
Anyways, my husband and I have agreed to let her stay here for the next six months if she stays in treatment. The last time she was really into her treatment. Hopefully that will continue this time. She also starts business college next week. She went and did this all on her own.
What I am struggling with is the everyday things that she needs to be doing. You know, the normal things that families have to do. Taking care of the house, getting up getting her child on the bus ON TIME, having a 2 year old to take care of all day. She just cannot seem to get it together enough to do the normal things in life. My husband and I both work full time but I feel like I am doing WAY more than my share. I know being a single mom is hard, as her ex is still in full blown addiction, doesn't work, can't help with kids etc.
BUT, she has to learn how to live day to day. And I have to learn to let her. Tomorrow I am taking her to her Dr. appt. which is a 2 hour drive and I want to talk to her about my boundaries and expectations.
So I guess what I am asking for is some suggestions on that talk. If anybody could help me out it would be greatly appreciated!!!
Any thoughts?
Thanks
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I would suggest before you have that talk tomorrow that you have a list of boundaries on paper that are clear for her to see.
You will not be the built-in babysitter that gets the older child up and to the bus on time.
You will not be her built-in maid, cook, dishwasher, etc.
You're also going to have to have consequences if she steps across those boundaries.
You've already told her she could stay the six months if she stuck out treatment and school, correct?
That can be subject to change.
As for single parenting, yes it's hard, but it's doable.
I raised two daughters by myself for the most part, and working full-time. I have also been in recovery long-term.
You will not be the built-in babysitter that gets the older child up and to the bus on time.
You will not be her built-in maid, cook, dishwasher, etc.
You're also going to have to have consequences if she steps across those boundaries.
You've already told her she could stay the six months if she stuck out treatment and school, correct?
That can be subject to change.
As for single parenting, yes it's hard, but it's doable.
I raised two daughters by myself for the most part, and working full-time. I have also been in recovery long-term.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
sheesh, you sure got your hands full.
I too have/had a problem brings boudaries and expectations up for fear of sending my son over the edge and "stressing "him" out".
You have to remain calm so you don't blow up when she says it's hard, as if we don't know that. I think calm and take your time in what you say is the key.
good luck
I too have/had a problem brings boudaries and expectations up for fear of sending my son over the edge and "stressing "him" out".
You have to remain calm so you don't blow up when she says it's hard, as if we don't know that. I think calm and take your time in what you say is the key.
good luck
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It's been my experience that much depends I how I present things; which of course depends on how I feel. When I break things down into smaller pieces and realize that much of what I get annoyed about is because of my own expectations (pre-meditated resentments...I love that expression) and because I made choices, and that I was getting annoyed at my daughter for things I did without ever clearly saying, I don't really want to do this, how can we address this in another way.
As an example... one time several years ago, my daughter asked me if I would be willing to stop and pick her up and drop her off at work on my way to work. I said yes but occassionally I would resent "having" to leave the house earlier, go "out of my way" and get her. Once I realized how silly that was (since she asked and I said yes) my resentment disappeared. More recently, when she lost her license and we had a conversation about getting to and from work, there was no passing judgment in the conversation...I stated matter of factly that I was okay with occassionally pitching in if the weather was horrible or she had to work late and past dark, but she understood that she would seek out public transportaiton and joining a car pool. The more conversations we have like this where the focus is on "what ideas do you have to resolve this issue" rather than "you're driving me crazy because...", the better our interactions have become, the less I pass judgment and make both of us miserible, and the more she takes pride in doing for herself.
So I guess I would suggest rather than having a conversation about rules, perhaps letting her know that you have found it easy to slip back into the mom the fixer mode since she has moved home and want to know what thoughts she has on how she can help you not to keep jumping in and rescuing. I don't know...maybe not; much depends on your relationship, but I find when I let go of the mom the disciplinarian roll with my adult child and approach things as how can we work together towards a common goal, things are much smoother and far more healthy.
As an example... one time several years ago, my daughter asked me if I would be willing to stop and pick her up and drop her off at work on my way to work. I said yes but occassionally I would resent "having" to leave the house earlier, go "out of my way" and get her. Once I realized how silly that was (since she asked and I said yes) my resentment disappeared. More recently, when she lost her license and we had a conversation about getting to and from work, there was no passing judgment in the conversation...I stated matter of factly that I was okay with occassionally pitching in if the weather was horrible or she had to work late and past dark, but she understood that she would seek out public transportaiton and joining a car pool. The more conversations we have like this where the focus is on "what ideas do you have to resolve this issue" rather than "you're driving me crazy because...", the better our interactions have become, the less I pass judgment and make both of us miserible, and the more she takes pride in doing for herself.
So I guess I would suggest rather than having a conversation about rules, perhaps letting her know that you have found it easy to slip back into the mom the fixer mode since she has moved home and want to know what thoughts she has on how she can help you not to keep jumping in and rescuing. I don't know...maybe not; much depends on your relationship, but I find when I let go of the mom the disciplinarian roll with my adult child and approach things as how can we work together towards a common goal, things are much smoother and far more healthy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: thunder bay, on
Posts: 4
It's all in step 1
when we are able to acknowledge powerlessness to minds influence, new and exciting things begin to happen. Addiction and associated behaviours really are no fault of any of us. As we are simply identifying with our minds influences. The simple realization that i am powerless to this influence renders mind ineffective, openning one to influences greater than minds direction. The experience ( not belief) which can occur from this process will cause one to feel apart of and realize this is what we were seeking through drugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
At the halfway house that my daughter stayed at for two months, she was expected to get up each morning at 6:30, walk for a half an hour and then attend a house meeting. She also needed to do volunteer work of at least 15 hours a week, help with house cleaning, meal preparation, attend IOP and nightly house meetings. She managed to do all of those things, so when she moved home, I told her that there would be no lieing around in bed all day. She had to be up at a decent hour, exercise, get a job, help around the house. She managed to do all of those things. Our children will do what we let them get away with. Now is the time to tell your daughter that she is the mother to her children and you expect her to be that. My daughter is also on Suboxone and we agreed to help her for a year (Which will be coming up soon). We will renegotiate that with her as she is working, paying her upkeep and bills and will be attending college again in the fall and be on our insurance which will pay for any further Suboxone treatment. Set the boundaries that you can live with and your daughter will have the choice to follow them or find other arrangements. Sending you hugs and prayers that you find the right words. Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by greeteachday 
So I guess I would suggest rather than having a conversation about rules, perhaps letting her know that you have found it easy to slip back into the mom the fixer mode since she has moved home and want to know what thoughts she has on how she can help you not to keep jumping in and rescuing. I don't know...maybe not; much depends on your relationship, but I find when I let go of the mom the disciplinarian roll with my adult child and approach things as how can we work together towards a common goal, things are much smoother and far more healthy.
Winnie-I think you are such a strong person and I don't think you will be in my shoes. I have read your posts and you started your recovery while he is still at young age. You will be a PRO by then. (Hopefully, you won't have to be).
I think calm will be the key here and I can't worry about "stressing her out". And I am working on that list of boundaries tonite.
I don't want to fight I just want her to respect my space. And I want her to feel pride in accomplishing things herself.
Thanks for the hugs I needed them.
Hope I did the quote right, haven't done them before.
Gotahavfaith
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
gotahavfaith,
Maybe what YOU'RE doing is what I seem to be kind of catching myself doing...already, and my grandson is just a month old!
Since I see it's not being done, I just do it. That's the kind of person I am anyway, and it's really easy for me to jump back in and fall off my wagon. AND I feel terrible sad that the GF is raising this child herself without the help from my AS.
I realize how hard it is to step back, and let happen, happen, but it's something you just have to do. (other than one of the children being in a risky situation)
Addiction stinks.
Hugs and hugs,
I hope your talk with her tackled some issues.
Maybe what YOU'RE doing is what I seem to be kind of catching myself doing...already, and my grandson is just a month old!
Since I see it's not being done, I just do it. That's the kind of person I am anyway, and it's really easy for me to jump back in and fall off my wagon. AND I feel terrible sad that the GF is raising this child herself without the help from my AS.
I realize how hard it is to step back, and let happen, happen, but it's something you just have to do. (other than one of the children being in a risky situation)
Addiction stinks.
Hugs and hugs,
I hope your talk with her tackled some issues.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by gotahavfaith
What I am struggling with is the everyday things that she needs to be doing. You know, the normal things that families have to do. Taking care of the house, getting up getting her child on the bus ON TIME, having a 2 year old to take care of all day. She just cannot seem to get it together enough to do the normal things in life. My husband and I both work full time but I feel like I am doing WAY more than my share. I know being a single mom is hard, as her ex is still in full blown addiction, doesn't work, can't help with kids etc.
Gotahavfaith
Gotahavfaith
I'm glad you asked for some feedback, cause our situations are very similiar. It's the normal everyday things that are annoying to me. I have to constantly tell myself that my AD is NOT me. And I have to work on not just jumping in to take care of the 1 yo or the 6 yo. And sometimes I just have to say, how about making dinner tonight, or cleaning a room or two. Geez.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Just an update.
Today went (WAY) better than expected. I worked my butt off most of the day (very busy day in the clinic I work at) jumped in the car, drove to the house ready to carry out MY play by play plan. The 2 year old had to go with us (wasn't planned), pooped everywhere before we walked out of door (wasn't planned) talked our ears off for 2 hours (wasn't planned). Check engine light came on (obviously wasn't planned) and needless to say I was getting very agitated because I HAD A PLAN.
So anyways, we get to the doctor's office. This was a new doctor from last month. That doctor just didn't seem to fit after 3 visits. Daughter was pretty nervous and I think she was getting discouraged, she really seemed to want to connect to the people that are providing her treatment and it hadn't really worked out that way. This doctor met us at his office door, treated my daughter and me with total respect, took us into the office and let daughter pour her heart out. (I stepped out of the room for that). He called me back in for a discussion and low and behold all the EVERYDAY stuff came out. He actually LISTENED!!!! He offered some suggestions on how WE both could handle this and I came out of the room feeling pretty good. Charged me $100 (yippeee) and we were on our way. He gave daughter and me his CELL Phone number in case we had any questions or concerns.
On the drive home, I got (sort of?LOL) lost for about 45 minutes. My mind was going 90 miles an hour and I was going in circles, grandson was yelling CHICKIE NUGGETS. There was that agitation again. Finally I stopped! I prayed! I went in and ask directions got gas added oil and antifreese, the engine light went off and for all that driving I was about 6 miles from where I wanted to be. All in all it was really a long day by the time we stopped and got other grandson and got home it was 9:30 but I feel like we got something accomplished. AND IT WASN'T MY PLAN!!!!
Today I am grateful.
Tomorrow, (rather today now) MY PLAN is to work and go to my 5 year old grandson's
1st Spring Program at school. He says he has stage fright, should be interesting.
The house can remain a mess and I'm not talking about anything unpleasant or doing anything that I don't want to do. We'll see how my plan works out.
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Serenity, who knows, maybe mine and yours will clean a room or two. (Maybe)
Gotahavfaith
Today went (WAY) better than expected. I worked my butt off most of the day (very busy day in the clinic I work at) jumped in the car, drove to the house ready to carry out MY play by play plan. The 2 year old had to go with us (wasn't planned), pooped everywhere before we walked out of door (wasn't planned) talked our ears off for 2 hours (wasn't planned). Check engine light came on (obviously wasn't planned) and needless to say I was getting very agitated because I HAD A PLAN.
So anyways, we get to the doctor's office. This was a new doctor from last month. That doctor just didn't seem to fit after 3 visits. Daughter was pretty nervous and I think she was getting discouraged, she really seemed to want to connect to the people that are providing her treatment and it hadn't really worked out that way. This doctor met us at his office door, treated my daughter and me with total respect, took us into the office and let daughter pour her heart out. (I stepped out of the room for that). He called me back in for a discussion and low and behold all the EVERYDAY stuff came out. He actually LISTENED!!!! He offered some suggestions on how WE both could handle this and I came out of the room feeling pretty good. Charged me $100 (yippeee) and we were on our way. He gave daughter and me his CELL Phone number in case we had any questions or concerns.
On the drive home, I got (sort of?LOL) lost for about 45 minutes. My mind was going 90 miles an hour and I was going in circles, grandson was yelling CHICKIE NUGGETS. There was that agitation again. Finally I stopped! I prayed! I went in and ask directions got gas added oil and antifreese, the engine light went off and for all that driving I was about 6 miles from where I wanted to be. All in all it was really a long day by the time we stopped and got other grandson and got home it was 9:30 but I feel like we got something accomplished. AND IT WASN'T MY PLAN!!!!
Today I am grateful.
Tomorrow, (rather today now) MY PLAN is to work and go to my 5 year old grandson's
1st Spring Program at school. He says he has stage fright, should be interesting.
The house can remain a mess and I'm not talking about anything unpleasant or doing anything that I don't want to do. We'll see how my plan works out.
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Serenity, who knows, maybe mine and yours will clean a room or two. (Maybe)
Gotahavfaith
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi gotahavfaith. I just love it when God has a better plan, but we only find that out after our plans have gone to heck in a handbasket. lol We needed to have just Let Go & Let God, in the first place, huh?! LOL. I keep learning this in my life and then continually forgetting it until it happens again. Duh. I'm so glad things worked out for you the way that they did.
I didn't have any advice for you, but I was just going to say that maybe you should just say exactly what you said to us here.
(((((((((Belated Supportive Hugs)))))))))
I didn't have any advice for you, but I was just going to say that maybe you should just say exactly what you said to us here.
(((((((((Belated Supportive Hugs)))))))))
I don't want to fight I just want her to respect my space. And I want her to feel pride in accomplishing things herself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Gotahavfaith, I'm just laughing along with you at your UNPLANNED day's events, as I can feel my own anxiety level reaching it's peak right about the time that the little one's yelling for chickie nuggets. Enter, God's Plan!! Then our vision seems to clear, & what is really important emerges.
Hoping you have a Wonderful day filled with God's planning.
And just maybe our AD's will get a move on those rooms.
Hugs,
Chris
Hoping you have a Wonderful day filled with God's planning.
And just maybe our AD's will get a move on those rooms.
Hugs,
Chris
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
