JoBloggs

I've been lurking here for months - if not years - and I have finally reached that point that I have seen so many of us reach where I just want to live apart from my AH. My question is, how do I get him out of our family home?

We have three kids and our family home belongs to me - bought before we married and title deeds in my name only. I am not sure if a local court of law would say he is entitled to half of it, but I will find out. When I ask him to either face up to his drinking or move out he tells me that he can't afford to find somewhere else to live right now.

I am not in a country where I could get any help from the authorities, so what do I do? Do I ask his brothers or cousins or friends to come and physically remove him? Of course, if things get too bad, I will scoop up my kids and flee the country (his country). I know, though, that their parents separating will be far harder for our kids if they are removed from their home environment so I want to try to get him to leave our home in the first instance. I just need space from him, time to breathe and work out how to move forward. Any advice?

Latte

Kids are resilient, they will be fine as long as there is one adult in their lives that is a constant.

I don't know the laws in your country. I would consider hiring a lawyer, but if they police won't back you up I don't know that that would help.

Do you have Al-Anon in your area?

JoBloggs

Hi Latte. Thank you for answering so quickly!

I am in the process of setting up an Al Anon group with another woman in a similar situation who lives in my area and we should be up and running in the next couple of weeks. The group is registered already at a local private alcohol/narc rehab centre. I have also been for counselling with an addiction counsellor so emotionally I feel quite prepared for what is ahead.

The thing is, I am not totally ready to give up on my marriage but I feel an urgent need for peace and serenity in our family home and I know I can't get it with him here. I know I need legal advice and I will try to get it next week. The thing that keeps popping up in my head is that I am powerless over his actions - so how can I get him to move out? I can move myself and my kids out, but I can't make him go... That's not the answer I want to hear!!! Anyone have a different answer????

Freedom1990

What a difficult situation for you! For now, I'd just try living in the moment until you are able to get some legal counsel and see what your options are since the home belongs to you.

That is just terrific that you have already been to counseling, and huge kudos to you for getting an Alanon group started up!

I hope you continue to post here, and know I will be keeping you in my prayers.

:ghug :ghug

Joeyboy

Hello Joblogs, Take the children to your mom's, or a friends house for a few days, and change the locks. That will teach him you mean business. Good Luck

GiveLove

Jo, I'm sorry you're faced with this but it seems the right decision for you.

There seem to be several scenarios possible here:

1) He is forced to move out by some higher authority so you & the kids can remain
2) He refuses to move out and so you enlist whoever will help you to force him.
3) He refuses to move out and you & the kids stay with him (yuck)
4) He refuses to move out and you put the property up for sale, forcing him to leave...but you too.
5) He refuses to move out and you & the kids leave and start a new life

...and so on. I'd write down all of the possibilities associated with these choices, i.e. being forced out by family, by the law, having someone you know buy the property and kick him out, be creative and open-minded about options. It may take twenty crazy ideas to come up with one that might work.

And then meet with legal counsel next week, and find out what is within your rights and your power to do. Ask them to be realistic about how things might be enforced.

It is a difficult situation, to be sure. But if you keep your eye on the prize (your serenity and your children's mental health) it will guide you to the right choice.

Hugs,
GL

naive

hi jo-

just an idea.... you could sell the house. that would solve the problem and start afresh somewhere new.

Daisy30

I would change the locks. Make sure the kids aren't there when he is to arrive home. And have some support with you.

I was unable to get my AH to leave. So I left with the three kids. So now he has a house and we live in PEACE in an apartment. I wouldn't have it any other way

JoBloggs

Thank you for all your responses.

GiveLove - I will write down my options as you suggested and try to get my head around the ones I don't want to face up to! Freedom1990 - yes, I am trying to live in the moment.

I have thought about changing the locks, but I have a feeling that he would just come and bash through a door or window! Then we are back to that problem of the police not being very helpful in this country. They would just say "Let him in, he's YOUR HUSBAND!"

I have also thought about selling, but this seems like such a bad time to sell. My house is basically the only thing I own. Our housing market hasn't slumped as badly as in England or the States though so it's an option.

Thank you for your support. My next move is to get legal advice and then I will consider my options carefully and do what's necessary.

escape artist

i told him i thought it is only fair that he should leave because it was more important to not traumatize the kids more than what they already are. it hung that way for a couple months, and at times i would ask him if he found a place to stay yet. family, lots of drinking buddies, he could stay out all nite long any other time, why couldn't he just stay there then? then one day i started packing things in a box and he asked me what i was doing and i said i was packing. he then said, i didn't need to go, he would. (i just said packing- i didn't say i was leaving) he found a place shortly after and moved out.