dorton

My AS rehab just called and asked that my husband and I come up with a set of expectations for my son when he returns home form rehab in a couple of weeks. I really need some good ideas and suggestions. They will call tomorrow to go over those rules. I asked on here before and was advised to send him to a sober living house and I think that is a good idea but I don't know if that is feasable or not. I need to have ideas for home as well. Thanks I know you guys will come through for me.:praying

Hammerhead

Thank Goodness you have another opportunity to do it right! I'm not familiar with the history of your AS but it would seem to me that if a previous suggestion was to send him to a sober house... perhaps that's a good place to start. I hear your concern that "it may not be feasible"... but that is not your cross to bear... that IS the consequence to his behavior and if YOU make that choice for him... well you might be interfering with his lesson (IMHO)

As far as rules for your home... the stickies are a GREAT resource and a good place to begin. Best of luck to you and your family.

:praying

parentrecovers

they should be able to help you with these rules. i'd pursue the idea of sober living if you can first though.

until then, don't make any promises about coming home.

hugs, k

Freedom1990

You do have a choice in this, Dorton. He's an adult, and you have the right to tell rehab that him coming home is NOT an option. We talked about this before.

With no resources for 12 step support in your immediate area for him, I think allowing him to come home is a recipe for disaster.

He's 20, correct? He's an adult. Tell the rehab that coming home is not an option, and stick to your guns.

Just my two cents.

Taking5

How old is he? What was his DOC? I need to know some of his story before I can tell you my thoughts.

winnie12

This is about you and your family - what type of behavior you would expect of anyone living in your home. So what are the things that your family cannot tolerate and expect of anyone. This isnt so much about what rules will keep him clean but what rules will keep you and your family sane. Here's some that i had and/or have already told my AS will be in place when he comes home. My son's a minor so your's would be different. My son wont be home for close to a year and I already know what i can and cant tolerate here. I have another child in my home so these rules have been in place for a while - he just hasnt followed them which is why he's spent the majority of the last two years in jail, hospitals, and rehab. So here's mine:

1. no drugs in my home EVER
2. cannot be high in my home EVER - even if he gets high outside of here then i report him
3. no staying out all night - if spending night with a friend i have to know upfront where he is.
4. no stealing
5. must have a full time job or be in school
6. if not in school must get his GED
7. must follow probation rules
8. must work out a way to pay his fines and probation fees on his own either through job or community service.
9. if he chooses not to live here, he must be in a sober living facility or program i approve. (again he is a minor)
10. no violence of any kind.
11. must help out around the house (just like everyone in my home is expected to do)
12. must take care of his diabetes

I use the probation rules he has as a guideline - if he follows probation then he is usually abiding by my house rules as well. His PO and Judge do talk with me upfront and set his probation rules according to what we all agree upon is best for him and the family - its very helpful to me to have this reinforcement. Luckily my AS will stay in drug court after he gets out of rehab so i'll have all of that support available - they will even put him in their GED program and its court ordered so he'll go. His Probation rules are:

1. no using selling or holding drugs
2. be in school or get GED and Job
3. cannot associate with anyone with a criminal record
4. cannot spend the night with anyone without court approval (they run criminal checks) - cannot leave town without approval
5. curfews - time depending upon their progress
6. regular appearance in drug court and counseling - sometimes AA/NA is ordered
7. obviously cannot break other laws
8. must live at home or at another location that court approves.

dorton

He is 20 DOC is percs in Oct. we found out about the drug abuse after several things were missing from our house. That day we also found a sucide note. Called several places and couldn't find any help 800 numbers we called were all the way across the country, places didn't have a bed, wanted 1000.00 cash at 10:00 on a Sat. night, etc I called a friend who is a school counselor who also has a private practice she got us in with another counselor in her practice on Mon. started him on suboxone on Tues. That didnt work he seemed to be doing everything right but really wasn't. Things got to the point where he moved out for about a week. We found a rehab in Fla he was willing to go to so we took him there Jan. 25th. I know he should have been begging us to take him but our thoughts were to just get him help as he was willing to go. Be that right or wrong it is water under the bridge and can't be changed. We have only had one real bump in the road since he has been in rehab and we refused to go get him and told him that even if he did make it back home (13 hours away) that he would not be allowed to live in our home. Since then things have been better, not wonderful but ok. We have visited him once. The visit was ok but again not wonderful it was somewhat strained. Not sure if this was just none of us knowing how to act around each other or what. Since then he has entered a new phase of treatment and does sound more positive. I will be talking to his counselor tomorrow and she should be able to give me a better idea of how he is really doing and she may say he shouldn't come home or we may come to that when we talk to her. I just want to be ready for anything. I need a list of rules no matter if he comes home or not as I need to say if you come home this will be how it is.

Hangin' In

Dorton,

This will be about you and your boundaries as cynical one pointed out. Only you can decide if you are willing to take him back into your home. Would that be the best thing for you? Boundaries are about us, not about our loved ones. And I do realize he's only 20. But one thing I had to remember when my AD was young and in early recovery was that HER recovery was up to her. I couldn't keep putting a pillow under her, wanting to make it all so comfortable and easy for her. The sooner I backed off and let her figure it out, the sooner she started to get it.

I know that when our AD came back home to live with us, it was a recipe for disaster. She needed to change her playground and her playmates and coming back home wasn't going to make that easy to do. And keep in mind, she moved home when she was ONE YEAR sober. She found out real quick like that her dad and I had changed. We weren't the same parents who had caved, enabled, blah, blah, blah. And she found out that living with mama and daddy wasn't good for her sobriety either. So she packed up and moved away to what seemed to be a very bad choice. But her HP used it and got her right back to where she needed to be.

Just my 2 cents worth, but I haven't ever seen a family bring a person who is in early recovery back home and it work very well. If you do, you will need to make sure that your recovery is VERY SOLID. And even then, your recovery can be rattled very easily by the ones who are attached to our heart strings.

Hugs and prayers for all of you. I sure hope you can find a halfway house where he can go.

Hangin' In

Freedom1990

Florida should have plenty of resources for sober living. He can work that out with his counselors in rehab.

My 31 year old AD is a very clever girl, and ever since I kicked her out (after a 30 day stay where she crossed every boundary I had), changed the locks, and got a restraining order on her in 2003, she's never been homeless more than 24 hours.

Spiritual Seeker

Some parents agree to pay for sober home for just a couple of months while the addict gets settled in and finds a job to then pay the rent on his own.

It really is about them figuring out how to grow up and be responsible.
Moving home usually prolongs their peter pan status and continues to put us in the role
of scolding rule inforcing parent. It seems they always break the rules and usually quite soon. Been there done than...don't advise

greeteachday

My daughter, who was 19 at the time, was in rehab in Florida twice. After the first time, we had boundaries, but without changing people, places and things, nothing much changed. She wasn't ready to do whatever it took to stay clean and sober and attending meetings wasn't going to cut it if she didn't put her heart and soul into wanting recovery. As my boundaries were broken, I allowed myself to fall back into the mess until I said enough is enough, rehab or out. The second time, I made it clear to her counselor...living home following rehab was not an option...It wasn't good for her or us. There were many halfway houses in Florida that she could have stayed at...She didn't like being so far away and opted for one in our state. Unfortunately there was a month wait...Although it was against my better judgement, I allowed myself to be convinced that it was okay to stay wiht us for that month. She did work hard to respect my boundaries (similar to those outlined above) and to work her recovery, but within a few weeks she slipped one night...It was her last time out. I know she is in a better place, but I still miss her every day.

I'm not saying my experience is the norm, and I try to remember I did the best I could with the tools I had, but I do struggle sometimes with thinking about what if I stuck to my word and said coming home even for a month is not an option.

I share this in hopes my experience will help you in your decisions. We are talking about life and recovery and doing all it takes can save a life. Hugs

hello-kitty

Hi dorton. What are your values? Do you expect the people who live with you to respect those values? What kind of behavior are you willing to accept in your house? What do you expect from an adult who is living with you? What steps will you take when someone violaes your personal boundaries?

Maybe those questions can provide you with a starting point.

Frame your boundaries in terms of your personal values. Don't ask someone to do anything you aren't willing to do yourself. And don't expect anything less than total compliance to your house rules. After all. Your son is an adult. He should be required to act like one. And better that he learn at 20 that behavior has consequences, than not learn until he's 40.

Have you been to any alanon meetings? Do you have a support group? I think those things are important for family members of addicts.

PS. When my friend got out of rehab her husband made a list of expectations for her. She had to get up every day. Get dressed. Make her bed. And do three chores around the house. She told me that being required to adhere to a schedule every day and knowing that there are consequences if she doesn't has been paramount to her staying clean.

Freedom1990

My heart goes out to you. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child to addiction...yet. I never fool myself into thinking it can't happen to me.

You did do the best that you could with what you had at the time, hon. :ghug :ghug :ghug

dorton

Right now I am thinking:
*Pass ALL random drug test, failure of even one is not an option to staying in my home
*get a job
*pay for cell phone, car insurance, all food not eaten at home, gas, etc
*help with chores around house
*be an active part of family, not spend all of his time in his room
*be responsible for self (make appointments, do what he needs to do etc)
*NO stealing

I don't plan to allow him to just come home and be the same person he was before, I know this will not be easy and I will need to stay strong.

dorton

Sorry they all have the consequence of not staying in our house I just didn't put that on all of them. I will change them to I statements. I do expect him to have changed. I won't and can't allow the same person back in my house. I am trying to look at it as having to follow a set of guidelines when signing a least to rent an apartment. If you don't follow the rules the landlord has the right to kick you out. In this case I am the landlord and he knows we have told him to leave before and that the only way he would be allowed back at all was to finish this program.

blue pansy

It's really hard when they return home from rehab.
When my RAD came home the most important rule was
You use
You're out.
No second chance, nothing at all.
I meant it and she knew it.

She was lucky though she was only home a couple weeks and she had to go back to school. There weren't many triggers there.

The rest I left up to her, she was an adult. They gave her the tools in rehab, she had to figure out how to use them in the real world.
She's still clean 21 months later.

You have my prayers,
blue

laurie6781

I'm sorry Dorton but I do not believe he should be able to come home YET.

You can say NO to the counselors. This man is an ADULT. NO btw is a complete sentence. See if he can make it in a Sober Living Facility before even thinking about letting him into your home.

It has only been 90 days. He still needs a lot more restrictions and support than you are willing to give him or can give him. Better it come from someone not emotionally involved with him, ie a "House Manager" of a sober living facility.

His actions in a sober living environment will give you a general idea of just how serious he is about recovery.

Please, he is an adult, do not let him back into your home at this time.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

Dorton, I understand what you are trying to do but how about framing them differently. But I think you are setting yourself up for failure in your rules because they are all trying to control him and make him do things or not do things. Perhaps you should try, as people have recommended, to use I statements.

For example,

I will not support you financially.

I will not allow drugs in my house.

I will not allow someone to live in my house who I suspect is using drugs.

I reserve the right to ask you to leave at any time.

I am not a maid. I will not allow someone to mooch off me and be a slob in my house.

If you do not like my boundaries, feel free to find somewhere else to live. I will still love you and support you. You don't have to live here if you don't want to. It may be better for our relationship if you don't.

...and so on and so forth.

Remember that you can't control him. You can only control yourself and the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life.

Good luck. I hope things work out for him and for you.