chestercat

OK.. heres the deal..

My partner knows he has severe alcohol problems. He drinks EVERY night, copious amounts.. he drinks because he has severe anxiety and thinks its the only way he can stop it. He also takes benzos in order to stop himself drinking so much. he admits he has a problem. and wants to stop it. he wants to get better. my question is..

do i stay and support him through his recovery, or am i best to leave and let him do it on his own? It would be great to hear from people who have done both so i can get both sides of the story.

Part of me thinks its best to stay, and help him through it. i know he can do it. The other half says to walk away, let him get sober on his own and if we meet up again once he has been sober for a while we can start again then.

If i stay with him, i dont want to be a distraction or be responsible for him drinking again shoudl we have an argument. But on the flip side.. i dont want to walk away and abandon him if i can help him get better.. or even loose him for good

please please help :-(

kermit

My story, as much as I wanted to help there was nothing I could do, he had to make a choice, he chose booze. We parted, now if he would have chosen recovery and went to treatment I most likely would have stayed. I wanted my marriage to work. After we seperated it took him 2 yrs to figure out what he has lost. He is now sober and is trying to make up for the pain he caused with his children. We do not have a future together, he has met someone else. It was ment to be this way I believe in my heart.
The choice is yours, welcome and I hope you get what you are looking to find, the people here are full of wisdom.

Latte

Welcome. I've got a double whammy..

My husband stayed. He stuck it out. He set boundries and I have lived within those. Unfortunately I can't say that he has stuck with my boundries, but at this point I'm just working on me. He is a normie and he is a good man so I'm trying to work with all this. He is not co-depedent (he was at one point but he grew up in the LDS church and started living his life according to the teachings again so that helped him).

My father is the alcoholic in my life. I set up boundries. He is still active. He can only talk to DH when he calls (he calls when he is drunk). I won't speak to him and my children, ages 10 and 7 aren't allowed to speak to him when he calls drunk. He is welcome in my home as long as he is sober. He visits a few times a year and goes on medication so the withdrawls don't harm him while he is here. He doesn't abuse the medication so I will allow it. He also has a medical condition and I want to spend as much time as I can with him so him being medicated is a way I can feel okay about him here with my children.

I guess my answer is that you have to figure out what your boundries are and stick to them. I struggle with becoming bitter if I don't enforce the boundries in my life.

My thoughts are with you. Al-Anon has really helped me with my father and I still attend my own AA/NA meetings.

Barbara52

Welcome! Stick around and read, keep posting. This is a great palce for information and support.

Only you can decide if staying is what is best. But gaining knowledge about alcoholism and its effects on you and how to handle it all is a great way to start.

You cannot really "help" a whole lot. Only he can decide to get serious about seeking sobriety and recovery. It will be his battle to win or lose. You can't stop him from drinking nor can you make him start to drink. That is solely within his control, its solely his choice. His actions will speak much louder than his words. If he truly wants to get and stay sober, he will show that is what he wants. So far it doesn't sound like he has changed anything just said he's going to.

What you can do is learn how to not enable his drinking, how to set boundaries around what you find acceptable an unacceptable and decide what you are willing to do if your boundaries are violated.

Ago

This might be ....I don't know, but wouldn't he have to actually stop drinking first before you could "help" him through his recovery? Drinking every night isn't recovery, it just isn't.

Alcoholics have a "laundry list" on "why they drink" and anxiety is one of them, never mind that drinking copious amounts every night actually gives you anxiety, you can drink yourself into a panic attack, and then you have to drink to "calm your nerves"

What you see is what you get, so maybe rephrase your question?

"Can I stay and support him while he drinks copiously every night?" might be a better question to ask yourself, because that is what you are and have been doing, what you see is what you get, anything else is known as "magical thinking"

Can you get support for yourself and start dealing with the "what is" in your life instead of the "what if's"?

freya

I think maybe I'm missing something in the OP...because from what I can tell, your partner is not recovering....and it is not possible for you to support him in something that he isn't doing.

For an alcoholic to say he knows he has a problem and wants to stop means absolutely nothing unless it is accompanied by committed and consistent action obviously aimed at achieving that goal. The disease of alcoholism protects itself with many attendant behaviors; those behaviors include lying to and manipulating the people who love them.

One of the first things that I realized when I started to learn about alcoholism was that I had to "listen to" and "trust" my partner's actions, not her words. If an alcoholic is saying he wants to stop, but is not stopping, the reality of the situation is that you are in just as much denial as he is if you are believing the words rather than the actions....and, BTW, if you choose to collude with him in his little fantasy that he is trying to stop, when, in fact, that is not what he's doing, then that behavior on your part is what is known as "enabling," not "supporting."

It seems like, maybe, the best thing for you to do is, as others have said, learn about alcoholism and focus on taking care of yourself. Al Anon meetings are an excellent resource for this. There is also an article that I personally found to be very helpful in understanding how alcoholism works within and affects relationships:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

It's a little verbose and academic, but very much right-on in terms of its content. And, finally, it seems pretty clear that you love your alcoholic, but being in the midst of an actively alcoholic situation means it's probably a very good time for you to figure out how much you love yourself and what you need to do to demonstrate and to support that love.

freya

chestercat

i probably should have added this..

He has just this week, decided to get Sober with the help of his MD. He plans to stop drinking completly and use benzos to do this, And then in 6 weeks slowly ween of the benzos. I'm not sure if this is a realistic time frame or method. I believe he needs to get counselling as well. What are your thoughts on using this method? is counselling a must?

So im not sure if i should leave the relationship while he goes through recovery or if its best for me to stay and support him.

Saying and doing are two different things so his actions will be important.

Ago

A lot of alcoholics "make the decision" to stop drinking

very very very few of them do

I have never seen an alcoholic quit successfully using this method, that doesn't mean it hasn't ever happened, I just have never seen one do it in 17 years.

It must seem to you that you are saying one thing, and everyone keeps either misunderstanding, or answering the "wrong" question or something, you ask question "A" and keep getting the answer to like "question B" or something.

We do understand, and what we are trying to point out is talk means absolutely nothing.

It actually means less then nothing, because it takes the focus off what is really happening.

Addiction requires that the addict lie to themselves, so directly, and indirectly both, they lie to those around them.

Before I got sober, I judged myself by my intentions, while the world judged me by my actions.

His "decision" to get sober and two dollars will get you a small coffee at Starbucks.

It means nothing.

It took me five years from when "I made a decision" to quit drinking to actually quitting, and I am that rare breed I am now finding out that most people in the regular world never meet.

A Sober Alcoholic.

Because I went to meetings, and where I got sober, there were a ton of us, I thought we were common.

I am finding out now, in the "real world" most people have never even met any of us.

This is not my opinion, this is what I'm hearing from people I meet in the "real world", and quite frankly, here at F and F

You live with a practicing Alcoholic.

Anything that comes out of his mouth regarding quitting drinking, is, quite bluntly, a lie. He doesn't know he's lying, he doesn't want to lie, it's part of the disease.

He might get sober. Maybe.

So what we are trying to ask of you, is what can you do for you?

Can you start making decisions based on "what is" not what "might be"? maybe?

Can YOU go to counseling?

Can YOU go to therapy?

Can YOU go to alanon?

I can guarantee that these will be helpful FOR YOU.

bluejay6

it's so confusing, isn't it? so crazy.

it sounds as if he is trying to maintain the status quo. go the easy road. he says he will give up the alcohol and take only the drugs for awhile. he says he will then give up the drugs and be normal.

oh sweetie.

read around here a lot, for you will need a deep education.

and if you try to put yourself between him and his addiction, the addiction will eat you alive.

so be very careful. do not isolate. stay connected or you will lose your mind.

many good hopes you will be all right, no matter what.