Never a Dull Moment
learning to live for me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Never a Dull Moment
Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been up here for a few days. I've missed you all!
Wed. night my mom attempted suicide and has been in the ICU and was transferred to a psych unit yesterday. My father's addicted to valium and is very controlling, paranoid and at times violent. I guess she felt like she had no other way out.
Through my dedication (ok, obsession) with succeeding at school, I have successfully eliminated any social support outside of my immediate family. They were who I was relying on after leaving my fiance' (crack addict).
Well, that didn't work out too well because I am entirely alone and anyone in college (atleast that I know here) would say "sorry, that sucks, have a beer." And that's not at all what I need.
I don't know if my ex is being truthful, he had some money so that makes me think that atleast he hasn't been using in the past few days but I can't care right now. I called him crying so hard I couldn't breathe and asked him to come over.
He has spent the past two nights with me and we've kept the conversation light. He has been a real comfort to me and helped me keep my strength to take care of my younger sister who has left my parents' house because she's scared of my dad being violent.
My world has been flipped entirely upside down again, and I don't know what the future holds (do we ever???)
BUT...I know that my HP has a plan in store for me. And that if I keep taking care of me, and focusing minute by minute, that I will make it.
I just wanted to share this tragedy with my SR family.
My mom woke up in ICU and called my sister to tell her that she regretted not dying. That maybe next time she'll drink with the pills (she took 25+ benzos!!!) and that'll take her out.
Thats a GREAT thing to tell your daughter, right??
I fell to my knees in the bathroom on the phone (didn't want my sis to see me upset) and asked myself, in my heart, what did I need right this minute. I needed support, and my ex, although very early in his re-recovery, could provide some, even if it was just nostalgia and denial on my part.
I'm avoiding taking xanax or any chemical to just numb my pain. I'm letting myself feel it and not run away from it. I'm afraid for the future but I remind myself that in this minute, everything is OK. And it is, thank God.
I don't answer the phone when my mom calls right now. I don't have anything to say to her. And I talk to my dad as little as possible. (He's borderline psychotic right now).
I love them both so much and it hurts right now so bad.
Sometimes I've wished that I was the addict and the child of responsible, healthy, loving parents. Not so that I could hurt them but there was a structured, loving environment that I could come home to if I'd only go into recovery. That finally, the solution to a chemical dependency problem would rely on ME! And not what someone else decides to do.
I'm so exhausted with that phrase.
Have I seriously "effed" up by asking my ex to come support me??
Am I going to be OK???
I'm worried.
-Holly
Wed. night my mom attempted suicide and has been in the ICU and was transferred to a psych unit yesterday. My father's addicted to valium and is very controlling, paranoid and at times violent. I guess she felt like she had no other way out.
Through my dedication (ok, obsession) with succeeding at school, I have successfully eliminated any social support outside of my immediate family. They were who I was relying on after leaving my fiance' (crack addict).
Well, that didn't work out too well because I am entirely alone and anyone in college (atleast that I know here) would say "sorry, that sucks, have a beer." And that's not at all what I need.
I don't know if my ex is being truthful, he had some money so that makes me think that atleast he hasn't been using in the past few days but I can't care right now. I called him crying so hard I couldn't breathe and asked him to come over.
He has spent the past two nights with me and we've kept the conversation light. He has been a real comfort to me and helped me keep my strength to take care of my younger sister who has left my parents' house because she's scared of my dad being violent.
My world has been flipped entirely upside down again, and I don't know what the future holds (do we ever???)
BUT...I know that my HP has a plan in store for me. And that if I keep taking care of me, and focusing minute by minute, that I will make it.
I just wanted to share this tragedy with my SR family.
My mom woke up in ICU and called my sister to tell her that she regretted not dying. That maybe next time she'll drink with the pills (she took 25+ benzos!!!) and that'll take her out.
Thats a GREAT thing to tell your daughter, right??
I fell to my knees in the bathroom on the phone (didn't want my sis to see me upset) and asked myself, in my heart, what did I need right this minute. I needed support, and my ex, although very early in his re-recovery, could provide some, even if it was just nostalgia and denial on my part.
I'm avoiding taking xanax or any chemical to just numb my pain. I'm letting myself feel it and not run away from it. I'm afraid for the future but I remind myself that in this minute, everything is OK. And it is, thank God.
I don't answer the phone when my mom calls right now. I don't have anything to say to her. And I talk to my dad as little as possible. (He's borderline psychotic right now).
I love them both so much and it hurts right now so bad.
Sometimes I've wished that I was the addict and the child of responsible, healthy, loving parents. Not so that I could hurt them but there was a structured, loving environment that I could come home to if I'd only go into recovery. That finally, the solution to a chemical dependency problem would rely on ME! And not what someone else decides to do.
I'm so exhausted with that phrase.
Have I seriously "effed" up by asking my ex to come support me??
Am I going to be OK???
I'm worried.
-Holly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
"I'm avoiding taking xanax or any chemical to just numb my pain. I'm letting myself feel it and not run away from it. I'm afraid for the future but I remind myself that in this minute, everything is OK. And it is, thank God."
This is a good start. Escaping only delays the pain... doesn't EVER take it away. Your plate is full.... so Focus on yourself. Love yourself.
:praying
This is a good start. Escaping only delays the pain... doesn't EVER take it away. Your plate is full.... so Focus on yourself. Love yourself.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
It's OK to get what you need right now from your X but if he starts using again, you'll be right back to square one with that. Do you go to Alanon or Naranon? that could be helpful for face to face support for you.
I know you are pissed off at mom but depression to the point of attempting suicide is an illness and thank god she is getting treatment for it. Doesn't sound like dad is open to treament for his own addiction. But if you are the one who gets 'sane' sometimes the rest of the family follows (at least that's what they tell me!).
I know you are pissed off at mom but depression to the point of attempting suicide is an illness and thank god she is getting treatment for it. Doesn't sound like dad is open to treament for his own addiction. But if you are the one who gets 'sane' sometimes the rest of the family follows (at least that's what they tell me!).
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Jackson, Ms
Posts: 15
Hi Holly,
My heart goes out to you. And you are 100% right, you deserve to have parents that
care about you and your sister. You deserve to not need to call an old boyfriend for comfort because your mom is unable to handle life. Yes, you deserve better. But the sad truth is that life is not fair. It is not fair to you or your mom. She deserved better too and never got it so she gave up. You can not fix your mom or your sister even when you love them very much. But you can fix you. At times in life we need to straighten our backbone and say: I am a mess right now but I am not going to call that boyfriend who is so barely into recovery. I might live in a rural area but I going to concentrate on finding one person I can relay to that will not depress or harass me. When you start thinking this way then you are on your way to recovery. When we are surrounded by users and abusers of our sensitive nature, we have to work very hard to correct our thinking. We have to control our thoughts. It is our thoughts that take us to that next level. If you stop yourself when you first thought that you needed your ex comfort, you would have made a better choice. I always tell my children: the choices you make today will affect all your tomorrow. When we decide to be codependent even at a horrible time in our life, we are making a poor choice. You would have been better off going for a walk or a movie to distract yourself from the pain. A walk would have cleared your mind and help you think your situation out without the distraction of an ex who may or may not be using. I am talking to you as I speak to my daughter. Holly, learn to make better choices and you will have a great future. When my daughter tells me that it is easy for me but not her. I tell her: the person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it. Be the one who gets it done and no one will be able to stop you. Holly always remember that life is a precious gift from God, make decisions everyday like someone who cares. Mara
My heart goes out to you. And you are 100% right, you deserve to have parents that
care about you and your sister. You deserve to not need to call an old boyfriend for comfort because your mom is unable to handle life. Yes, you deserve better. But the sad truth is that life is not fair. It is not fair to you or your mom. She deserved better too and never got it so she gave up. You can not fix your mom or your sister even when you love them very much. But you can fix you. At times in life we need to straighten our backbone and say: I am a mess right now but I am not going to call that boyfriend who is so barely into recovery. I might live in a rural area but I going to concentrate on finding one person I can relay to that will not depress or harass me. When you start thinking this way then you are on your way to recovery. When we are surrounded by users and abusers of our sensitive nature, we have to work very hard to correct our thinking. We have to control our thoughts. It is our thoughts that take us to that next level. If you stop yourself when you first thought that you needed your ex comfort, you would have made a better choice. I always tell my children: the choices you make today will affect all your tomorrow. When we decide to be codependent even at a horrible time in our life, we are making a poor choice. You would have been better off going for a walk or a movie to distract yourself from the pain. A walk would have cleared your mind and help you think your situation out without the distraction of an ex who may or may not be using. I am talking to you as I speak to my daughter. Holly, learn to make better choices and you will have a great future. When my daughter tells me that it is easy for me but not her. I tell her: the person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it. Be the one who gets it done and no one will be able to stop you. Holly always remember that life is a precious gift from God, make decisions everyday like someone who cares. Mara
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Holly)))
First of all... because I know you need a hug. I'm so sorry you are going through all this.
As far as the ex, the best thing I can tell you is don't expect him to continue to be there for you. He might, but he might not. I think it's great that he's been there for you, but I don't think he's had enough time to have his feet on solid ground, when it comes to recovery. I hope I'm wrong.
I also hope that you can find support elsewhere. I know it's not easy, when you're in the middle of a crisis.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
First of all...
because I know you need a hug. I'm so sorry you are going through all this.As far as the ex, the best thing I can tell you is don't expect him to continue to be there for you. He might, but he might not. I think it's great that he's been there for you, but I don't think he's had enough time to have his feet on solid ground, when it comes to recovery. I hope I'm wrong.
I also hope that you can find support elsewhere. I know it's not easy, when you're in the middle of a crisis.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Holly)))
I can guarantee you're going to be okay after all this turmoil.
Life events change in the blink of an eye, and you sound like a strong gal. No one wouldn't getted freaked out by what you are going through right now.
Try to get to a meeting for additional support and keep posting, we're all here for you.
taking something to calm you down would be a temporary fix. It sounds like all this drama is something you are going to have to find a way to detach from, or live with. (I choose detaching.
)
Perhaps your mother may come to realize that suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem, and decide to leave her husband, and get on with her life?
Hugs, and hugs........
I can guarantee you're going to be okay after all this turmoil.
Life events change in the blink of an eye, and you sound like a strong gal. No one wouldn't getted freaked out by what you are going through right now.
Try to get to a meeting for additional support and keep posting, we're all here for you.
taking something to calm you down would be a temporary fix. It sounds like all this drama is something you are going to have to find a way to detach from, or live with. (I choose detaching.
)Perhaps your mother may come to realize that suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem, and decide to leave her husband, and get on with her life?
Hugs, and hugs........
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Der Holly, My heart just broke for you & your family when I read what you are going through. You know I really understand what you meant by saying you wish you were the addict & had a stable family to go to. Then as you said the decision would be yours to make, but that is not the reality you are dealing with.
Try & find a f2f support group in your area. With all that is going on in your life you really need some support. Also keep coming here. People really care & you will find alot of help here.
Love,
Diane
Try & find a f2f support group in your area. With all that is going on in your life you really need some support. Also keep coming here. People really care & you will find alot of help here.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i feel your pain in your post & i am so sorry. please find a meeting to go to. you need physical contact right now. all i can do is send you a cyper hugs. do not count on your b.f. keep coming back & let us know how u r. prayers for u & your family.
learning to live for me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
I want to say thank you to everyone who has replied to my post asking for help. Things are still crazy but I'm doing my best to detach and will focus on myself. I still haven't spoke to my mom since all this happened. She's in the psych hospital and has called me a few times but I just didn't pick up. Its hard to be angry at someone I love so much, and that includes both my parents. I just wish they could get better and healthy.
But...As they say, wish in one hand, sh!t in the other and see which fills up first. HAHA.
Once again, thank you from the deepest part of my heart for your love and support. I will keep everyone updated and I wish everyone a beautiful Sunday afternoon.
Love,
Holly
But...As they say, wish in one hand, sh!t in the other and see which fills up first. HAHA.
Once again, thank you from the deepest part of my heart for your love and support. I will keep everyone updated and I wish everyone a beautiful Sunday afternoon.
Love,
Holly
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Holly)))
I know it's hard to be angry at your parents. These are just feelings, though sweetie, and feelings won't kill us as long as we work through them and move on. It's when we DON'T work through them that they hang around forever, and can cause problems down the road, including health problems.
Keep taking care of you, because you deserve it. It's perfectly okay to do something you enjoy, even though chaos is swirling around you like a tornado. Doesn't have to be anything big...just something that will bring a smile to your face, okay?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know it's hard to be angry at your parents. These are just feelings, though sweetie, and feelings won't kill us as long as we work through them and move on. It's when we DON'T work through them that they hang around forever, and can cause problems down the road, including health problems.
Keep taking care of you, because you deserve it. It's perfectly okay to do something you enjoy, even though chaos is swirling around you like a tornado. Doesn't have to be anything big...just something that will bring a smile to your face, okay?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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