good and bad and need insight
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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good and bad and need insight
I posted a couple of weeks ago about the relationship with ABF, with all its muck.
I am working on taking the focus off him and putting it where it belongs. I have decided to go back to school--second masters degree--in guidance and counseling, and have been working on the application.
I am (slowly) detaching and not reacting as strongly to the mood swings and inconsistencies in our relationship. I am not engaging in endless navel-gazing on either of our parts.
I am also working on developing both old and new friendships, since part of my fear is the isolation that I live in with out ABF.
There has been a long-standing issue in our relationship. It's a little embarrassing, but here it goes: ABF has gobs of money. He (doctor) makes more than 15 times what I do (teacher). Since the beginning of our relationship, he has always said that he wants to pay for my babysitters, and I have agreed to that. What is an insignificant amount of money to him (averages between 120-160 bucks a month), is actually a lot to me--can feed my family for a week on that kind of money.
So--he SAYS he will pay, but then I always end up having to ask several times, to the point of feeling really pathetic and ridiculous. In the mean time, his ex wife is completely "on the dole"--alimony in excess of 10K a month, plus child support and all extra expenses paid for the children (tuition, med bills, etc).
To me is shows that he has no idea what my life is actually like, or just doesn't really care. This relationship is supposedly Very Serious. I wouldn't dream of accepting money from a casual acquaintance.
The ex also asks for "extras" all the time, which he typically agrees to. They were married for a VERY short time, she is young and capable, she doesn't work and doesn't seem to do anything much.
I have told ABF many times how uncomfortable it makes me to have to "ask" for the babysitting money. I would not go out as frequently if I had to pay. I simply don't have the cash.
He gives me expensive gifts, takes me on expensive trips and to expensive dates. He gives me gifts of cash on occasion.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS. I want to be able to rely on getting the babysitter paid, when it's time to pay the babysitter--not when he "remembers" or is in the mood to write a check. I often get dangerously low in my checking account while waiting for him to reimburse this expense. I am not materialistic, but I want to be treated thoughtfully and with consideration.
Last night I told him that I really don't like the fact that his ex takes total advantage of him financially, and he never even says a word, but I have to pretty much beg to get the sitter paid.
He is livid with me. Actually said "appalled" and that he feels he has been very "generous" with me.
Frankly, I am "appalled" that he used the word "generous." I have been very "generous" with him, too, if generosity of spirit and patience counts. He's been calling me his "partner" and saying he wants to be in a committed relationship for two years now--dangling the engagement/marriage carrot when he feels me slipping away, and then quickly backpedaling.
I decided today that I am no longer going to accept anything in the form of money from him. If I can't afford the babysitter, I won't go out. If he offers cash prizes (heavy sarcasm), I will turn them down. If he wants to do something that I can't pay my way for--then he can find someone else to do it with.
I'm sure I was ugly (slightly, not seriously, no raised voice or curse words) when I brought this up to him last night. But his attempt to put me in my place has me really, really repulsed.
I realize that much of this is my own crap. But as usual, I have trouble figuring out what's going on here.
I am feeling much closer to making a decision about all this. I appreciate any advice or observations you all might have.
I am working on taking the focus off him and putting it where it belongs. I have decided to go back to school--second masters degree--in guidance and counseling, and have been working on the application.
I am (slowly) detaching and not reacting as strongly to the mood swings and inconsistencies in our relationship. I am not engaging in endless navel-gazing on either of our parts.
I am also working on developing both old and new friendships, since part of my fear is the isolation that I live in with out ABF.
There has been a long-standing issue in our relationship. It's a little embarrassing, but here it goes: ABF has gobs of money. He (doctor) makes more than 15 times what I do (teacher). Since the beginning of our relationship, he has always said that he wants to pay for my babysitters, and I have agreed to that. What is an insignificant amount of money to him (averages between 120-160 bucks a month), is actually a lot to me--can feed my family for a week on that kind of money.
So--he SAYS he will pay, but then I always end up having to ask several times, to the point of feeling really pathetic and ridiculous. In the mean time, his ex wife is completely "on the dole"--alimony in excess of 10K a month, plus child support and all extra expenses paid for the children (tuition, med bills, etc).
To me is shows that he has no idea what my life is actually like, or just doesn't really care. This relationship is supposedly Very Serious. I wouldn't dream of accepting money from a casual acquaintance.
The ex also asks for "extras" all the time, which he typically agrees to. They were married for a VERY short time, she is young and capable, she doesn't work and doesn't seem to do anything much.
I have told ABF many times how uncomfortable it makes me to have to "ask" for the babysitting money. I would not go out as frequently if I had to pay. I simply don't have the cash.
He gives me expensive gifts, takes me on expensive trips and to expensive dates. He gives me gifts of cash on occasion.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS. I want to be able to rely on getting the babysitter paid, when it's time to pay the babysitter--not when he "remembers" or is in the mood to write a check. I often get dangerously low in my checking account while waiting for him to reimburse this expense. I am not materialistic, but I want to be treated thoughtfully and with consideration.
Last night I told him that I really don't like the fact that his ex takes total advantage of him financially, and he never even says a word, but I have to pretty much beg to get the sitter paid.
He is livid with me. Actually said "appalled" and that he feels he has been very "generous" with me.
Frankly, I am "appalled" that he used the word "generous." I have been very "generous" with him, too, if generosity of spirit and patience counts. He's been calling me his "partner" and saying he wants to be in a committed relationship for two years now--dangling the engagement/marriage carrot when he feels me slipping away, and then quickly backpedaling.
I decided today that I am no longer going to accept anything in the form of money from him. If I can't afford the babysitter, I won't go out. If he offers cash prizes (heavy sarcasm), I will turn them down. If he wants to do something that I can't pay my way for--then he can find someone else to do it with.
I'm sure I was ugly (slightly, not seriously, no raised voice or curse words) when I brought this up to him last night. But his attempt to put me in my place has me really, really repulsed.
I realize that much of this is my own crap. But as usual, I have trouble figuring out what's going on here.
I am feeling much closer to making a decision about all this. I appreciate any advice or observations you all might have.
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I completely understand how it feels to count on someone who cannot be counted on. I was married to someone like that for over 18 years. Unfortunately, you can't MAKE them dependable. You can only stop counting on them....and it applies to more than just money, too.
Sounds like you are aware of that. Good on you.
L
Sounds like you are aware of that. Good on you.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Frankly, I am "appalled" that he used the word "generous." I have been very "generous" with him, too, if generosity of spirit and patience counts. He's been calling me his "partner" and saying he wants to be in a committed relationship for two years now--dangling the engagement/marriage carrot when he feels me slipping away, and then quickly backpedaling.
nowwhat, I would (and did) do what you are doing: Set your boundary and honor it. I would no longer dream of asking anyone more than once for something they've offered to freely give --- especially for money to go out with THEM, for heaven's sake. If I couldnt' afford it, I wouldn't go. And I'd refuse those gifts if you truly don't want them - they seem like bribes, or crumbs tossed to you (but that could just be me projecting, so take that with a grain of salt)
He strikes me as a person who just naturally assumes that his money can be used to make people behave the way he wants them to behave. And that would repulse me too.
I'm not interested in a sugar daddy - I'm interested in being respected as a human being, and being treated with dignity. I'd rather hang out on the porch with my funny, blue-collar husband and drink beer than be some rich doctor's arm candy and have to beg to be treated as honorably as a lazy, manipulative ex.
Respect doesn't seem to be what you're getting, and I'm sorry. You deserve better - you're smart, dedicated, and a good person. Kinda p*sses me off, to tell you the truth (can you tell?)
All the money in the world can't make someone a good man.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I'd rather hang out on the porch with my funny, blue-collar husband and drink beer than be some rich doctor's arm candy and have to beg to be treated as honorably as a lazy, manipulative ex.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
I see nothing wrong with accepting a gift from someone. And I see nothing wrong with rejecting future gifts when it turns out that there are manipulative strings attached.
L
L
Agreed. Consider it a lesson learned.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
Apart from money to pay for babysitters, what are you getting from this relationship?
Lately, the answer to your question is: not much. Expensive presents and trips, and occasional babysitter reimbursement.
Yesterday I was busy obtaining passports for me and my two younger children so we can all go on a trip this summer. Worrying the whole time that ABF would reimburse (as promised) "when he got around to it." Passport fees and photos in excess of $300, when I still haven't been paid back for the last few babysitters. I just do not have money for these things, and it causes me enormous anxiety to wonder if/when he'll get around to paying.
Of course, after last night's debacle--he wrote a great big check (excessive), which I now don't want to cash.
Thing is, I NEVER forget to do what I say I'll do. 'Cuz I'm true-blue and totally dependable. Or a raging codie, perhaps?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by nowwhat
Well, I thought I was getting a really fascinating friend, a romantic love life, and a warm, cozy future. We are really compatible in some important ways.
Lately, the answer to your question is: not much. Expensive presents and trips, and occasional babysitter reimbursement.
Yesterday I was busy obtaining passports for me and my two younger children so we can all go on a trip this summer. Worrying the whole time that ABF would reimburse (as promised) "when he got around to it." Passport fees and photos in excess of $300, when I still haven't been paid back for the last few babysitters. I just do not have money for these things, and it causes me enormous anxiety to wonder if/when he'll get around to paying.
Of course, after last night's debacle--he wrote a great big check (excessive), which I now don't want to cash.
Thing is, I NEVER forget to do what I say I'll do. 'Cuz I'm true-blue and totally dependable. Or a raging codie, perhaps?
Lately, the answer to your question is: not much. Expensive presents and trips, and occasional babysitter reimbursement.
Yesterday I was busy obtaining passports for me and my two younger children so we can all go on a trip this summer. Worrying the whole time that ABF would reimburse (as promised) "when he got around to it." Passport fees and photos in excess of $300, when I still haven't been paid back for the last few babysitters. I just do not have money for these things, and it causes me enormous anxiety to wonder if/when he'll get around to paying.
Of course, after last night's debacle--he wrote a great big check (excessive), which I now don't want to cash.
Thing is, I NEVER forget to do what I say I'll do. 'Cuz I'm true-blue and totally dependable. Or a raging codie, perhaps?
I hope you find a way through it. :ghug
Last edited by tallulah; 03-27-2009 at 11:19 AM. Reason: whoops
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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it sounds like he is using money to manipulate you. surely, if he wanted to take the pressure off of you, he would find a way without putting you in the position of asking for it.
it sounds like a good plan to rely on your own money and live within your own means.
i have a friend, who always comes with a bag of groceries. she doesn't make a big deal of it. if i'm not in when she comes, she leaves it at the door. many times, after she has left, i'll find a bit of money left on the mantle.
my point is she does it without any fanfare. there is no drama, no strings, no bargaining.
it sounds like a good plan to rely on your own money and live within your own means.
i have a friend, who always comes with a bag of groceries. she doesn't make a big deal of it. if i'm not in when she comes, she leaves it at the door. many times, after she has left, i'll find a bit of money left on the mantle.
my point is she does it without any fanfare. there is no drama, no strings, no bargaining.
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Now What,
Hi. I was in a similar situation with my exabf. He has 1000000s times more money than I have. I am actually back in grad school anf before this was working for a non-profit.
He told me hundreds of times that he wanted to "take care" of me and that I did not need to worry about money. He gave lavish gifts. He asked me to marry him over a dozen times. Thing is, that I held a hard "I will marry you after you maintain sobriety."
He would get angry and bring up every dollar he every spent on me. This shocked me as I spent money (waht I could) on him too, not to mention turning my life upside down for him.
Eventually I realized that he used money to "control" me. It never really worked as I am pretty stubborn and never accepted drinking. He never followed through with many promises to me, but I am happy to be out of the "reminding" him 5 times to pay me back for the gas to drive to another town to visit him type thing. I felt humiliated.
Hi. I was in a similar situation with my exabf. He has 1000000s times more money than I have. I am actually back in grad school anf before this was working for a non-profit.
He told me hundreds of times that he wanted to "take care" of me and that I did not need to worry about money. He gave lavish gifts. He asked me to marry him over a dozen times. Thing is, that I held a hard "I will marry you after you maintain sobriety."
He would get angry and bring up every dollar he every spent on me. This shocked me as I spent money (waht I could) on him too, not to mention turning my life upside down for him.
Eventually I realized that he used money to "control" me. It never really worked as I am pretty stubborn and never accepted drinking. He never followed through with many promises to me, but I am happy to be out of the "reminding" him 5 times to pay me back for the gas to drive to another town to visit him type thing. I felt humiliated.
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I am happy to be out of the "reminding" him 5 times to pay me back for the gas to drive to another town to visit him type thing. I felt humiliated.
I assume I wouldn't feel this way if things were more real between us. I never accepted money from any man other than my XAH, ever. It seemed somehow more "acceptable" (pun and all) in this case, given the disparity in our incomes.
No more, and never again. This should be an easy enough boundary to enforce.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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The money keeps you bound to him regardless of his behavior. He feels (my ex did) that as long as he paid for things, I should overlook the drinking issue. I never could and quit accepting money from him a while back. About 6 months after I quit accepting money but kept my "no drinking" rule, he started seeing another woman behind my back.
Yuk.
Yuk.
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Its up to you whether that is what you want in a relationship.
It'll be interesting to hear his reaction to this. It's possible that we won't even talk about it, though. Last year when he got mad at me, he broke it off with me with hardly any discussion, and didn't speak to me for six weeks.
If that happens again, I WILL cash that check.
Just kidding (I think).
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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I would cash the check. After all, it was what he agreed to when he wanted you to go out frequently and you couldn't afford it. Cash it, but then, IMO, live within your own means. No more babysitting money from him. And certainly don't marry this man unless a lot changes. It doesn't sound like you even have good communication between you.
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I tore up the check. I probably would have cashed it, but it was for much more than the passports and babysitter. This probably doesn't make any sense, but that makes me feel WORSE. I don't want to be a "kept woman" or a mistress, I just want him to do what he says he's going to do, without being nagged about it.
We talked. I said no more money, period. I said if I can't afford to pay my own babysitter, I won't go out. I will buy my own passports (which I totally can't afford, but after last night's "generous" comment, plus the "I just bought you a TV!" said with great indignation, I am not giving him any more ammo).
I'm letting go of all expectations.
I'm not sure he uses the money to control me, as much as to make himself feel better about the fact that he's been mind-f'ing me for so long. Like, "I'm not really going to marry you, but I will buy you a TV" is going to fix that situation.
I've been telling him all along that I will eventually want to live together, and that if that doesn't happen at some reasonable interval, I'll need to move on to find the type of relationship I want and need.
Like a TV is going to keep me hanging on? I am SO not that cheap, for crying out loud.
So, back to focus on me. By refusing his cash, I will get to see that I really am okay without it. That will help me move forward, I think. My mind has been really wrecked, and some of it is because of the "trappings" of being involved with someone so wealthy. I am embarrassed to admit it, but it's the truth.
We talked. I said no more money, period. I said if I can't afford to pay my own babysitter, I won't go out. I will buy my own passports (which I totally can't afford, but after last night's "generous" comment, plus the "I just bought you a TV!" said with great indignation, I am not giving him any more ammo).
I'm letting go of all expectations.
I'm not sure he uses the money to control me, as much as to make himself feel better about the fact that he's been mind-f'ing me for so long. Like, "I'm not really going to marry you, but I will buy you a TV" is going to fix that situation.
I've been telling him all along that I will eventually want to live together, and that if that doesn't happen at some reasonable interval, I'll need to move on to find the type of relationship I want and need.
Like a TV is going to keep me hanging on? I am SO not that cheap, for crying out loud.
So, back to focus on me. By refusing his cash, I will get to see that I really am okay without it. That will help me move forward, I think. My mind has been really wrecked, and some of it is because of the "trappings" of being involved with someone so wealthy. I am embarrassed to admit it, but it's the truth.
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