UNHAPPY777

Okay I finally was able to talk more openly to my parents this morning. They asked me to bottom line it for them.......Why don't you make him leave (THROUGH COURT)? Well I finally was able to say If he dies out there in the street then I would have to harbor that guilt for the rest of my life. My fathers response was "he can die anyway because he's always out there"......I just feel like if he dies right now a lease I can say he had a nice place to stay and it's notmy fault...But, if I put him out I would feel like he had no place to go so he gave up.......I sorry if this doesnt make sense a lot of things don't make sense these days!!!! Thanks for listening!!!!

Serenity Bound

unhappy, I agree with anvil. he doesn't need to do anything to change, as you're keeping him afloat....for now.

Anvil....Bella is adorable.

BayAreaPhoenix

This is not a judgement, just another way to look at it.

What IF, because he gets kicked out he hits rock-bottom all the faster and actually reaches out for and gets the help he needs for himself? Would it be your "fault" if he doesn't hit rock-bottom? Would it be your "fault" if he does hit rock-bottom?

Remember the three C's - You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.

There never is one solution to any situation. We can awefulize, we can imagine. Yes, sometimes it is clear if we take a certain path where we will end up, but we each have free will to take fork off on to another path at any given point in time on our journey, we are not forced to stay going in one direction. We cannot force anyone else to get off their path if they don't want to. But, we can help them see the consequences of the path they're on and maybe influence them.

I am in no way telling you what to do, you have to decide that for yourself, just a reminder that the only choice you really have is for you, your own peace of mind, your own happiness, your own life!

(((hugs)))

Callie

I have been RIGHT where you are only a few months ago. The DAY my Ah went ino rehab he'd called and scared "he'd do something stupid" (suicide). Upon the advise here I told him if he was feeling suicidal to please go to the ER and said goodbye.

I also agree with BayArea - when she says that you haboring him only enables him to use longer. You're actually PREVENTING him from hitting his bottom sooner. I've BTDT too.

It's time to put yourself ahead of addiction. Hugs to you, I know how painful it is and how hard it is to see through the manipulation and guilt.

winnie12

I know the guilt that you talk about. My turning point was with my dad when he said "your son may die and if he does you have to know that its not your fault." my dad wouldnt have said that if he thought there was anything that i could do because this man doesnt give up on anything. He can die just as easily in your home as he can in the streets - its just that in the streets he's going to have to work harder for it. Do you see how its a bit irrational for us when we make it easier for them to use? If i tell my AS not to use but then look the other way and make things easy on him why would he ever quit? He has no reason to quit if it never affects his life or his comfort.

Freedom1990

My parents enabled me to stay active and sick in my active addictions for many years. How? They made sure I always had a soft place to fall. The rent was paid for me when I didn't have the money. Groceries were provided when I didn't have the money. Utilities were paid when I didn't have the money (and of course I didn't have the money because I was using).

I didn't have to fully face the consequences of my addiction as long as they kept cushioning the fall.

He's been wiping his feet all over you for so long, you don't even realize you're flat on the ground and muddy.

You can love someone to death. Is that the kind of guilt you'd rather live with?

laurie6781

Unhappy you are so wrapped up in your CODIE COAT you cannot see that you are KILLING HIM WITH KINDNESS.

The consequences of his actions, of having no nice warm comfy bed with a roof over his head is EXACTLY what will bring him to his bottom sooner.

Here is just part of my story and many like me:

My only regret was that they waited so long.

Your father is correct. You are not helping him, you are harming him as it stands now. How will he ever get past his denial if you keep protecting him from the consequences of his actions?

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this, which you are trying to do, and

You can't CURE this.

It is all on him. Please listen to your father. Go to AlAnon, talk to a therapist. Please.

Love and hugs,

suchAsucker

I used to feel the EXACT same way... until I realized that I was not God (HP) and I did not have the Super Power to save him (or anyone else). When he is out on the streets, his HP is with him. You cannot love him sober. You cannot "save him from himself". If he put as much effort into getting sober as he did to get his drugs, he could change many things in his life. You cannot save him, but he can save himself with HP's help.

I finally believed the 3-C's when, after all my efforts to control his behavior/activities and "save him from the streets and a life of destitution", he told me he was going out onto the balcony for a cigarette (I was in the next room separated only by a clear-glass door) and he scaled down the 2-story apartment building to sneak out to his dealer to buy drugs. I saw this with my own two eyes. And then he climbed back up the wall of the 2 story apartment building with drugs in his pocket AS I STOOD ON THE BALOCNY AND WATCHED HIM in complete shock. He said he dropped his slipper and just went down to retrieve it.

At that moment, I realized that only God/HP could take care of him. And I let go... There is nothing you are doing or will do in the fututre that will make him change until he really wants to change...

UNHAPPY777

Thanks everyone. I know what I need to do but, my heart has to catch my mind before it's too late. Now I know that the only time that he feels remorse is when he runs out of drugs. Sometimes it's the same night and other times it's three days later. I drive over an hour to work and I am responsible for everything. It really bothers me that he doesnt know if I even made it to get the kids. My mom and dad live out of state and it would take them 4 hour by car and 1 hr by plane (if flights are available) to get here if there was an emergency. The funny thing is that I know they would get here before him and he's in the same town.
What happend to the man I married, where has he gone. Sometimes he surfaces and can be the most loving person I know. My parents have told me that if I don't see him this way then my healing process can begin. I told him that I was gonna change the locks months back, but I DIDNT FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!!! D*MN........... I think that I'm gonna have to do that and except the fact that what will be will be. He asked me why I didn't change the locks.....maybe that was his cry for me to be responsible......but all in one sentence he asked for the gun to kill himself. Boy I'm suppose to be the scholar! What psychological games they play.

Thanks for listening!!!!!

Freedom1990

If you wait for your heart to catch up with your mind, you may be waiting forever.

We have to walk through the discomfort to get past it.

:ghug :ghug

cessy68

Unhappy, I don't feel guilt the anymore. This will happen, for you too, it's just a process.

Life is so short, life is so beautiful. Wasteing time, even useing the name you use.... "unhappy"....

Why hon? Why not decide it's OK for you to be HAPPY!

Life dosen't always hand us the deck of cards that we wish we could have. Sometimes it's best to just fold em.

Look to your inner-self and ask why you want to keep 'looseing' by hanging on to those cards.

Nothing happens without US makeing the decisions about how WE want to live our lives.

Is the guy you know gone... you betcha. Is it sad, of course it is hon. But he isn't going to magically reappear--- by your sadness.

Take care of you, and try to let go of the guilt.
It's very very enlightening when you let go..................
love,
cess

dorton

I too struggled with kicking my AS out of the house feeling that if he died on the street, or went hungry, or was cold, etc, etc that I would be guilty of letting him be homless, hungry, cold, etc until a counselor asked what my level of guilt would be if I allowed him to live in my home and he died of an overdose in his own bed having used money from my purse to buy the drugs he ODed on. That helped a lot because I realized that my guilt would have been greater if he died at home because I would have enabled him to continue using. I can't stop him from using but I sure as he!! don't have to help him do it either.

Wascally Wabbit

He has a choice ya know.
But, you're making the choices for him.
A fellow alanon member once told me concerning my son who was an addict that "you can enable someone literally to death"
I had to think about that for a long time. It finally hit me that if I continued "taking care" of him he would never make his own decisions to get well.

I let go of him completely 2 years ago. He has been clean for over a year now.
He was homeless, sleeping in shelters, spent 9 mos. in jail.
He finally woke up because I stepped out of his way.

Callie

Hey sweets, lemme tell you I've been doing this codie dance for 20 years, unknowingly fighting something that I had no clue what it was (pre- addiction). Mainly the last 10 (when he became an addict instead of dabbling). I found out about his addiction and only discovered the severity a year ago. Your heart will NEVER catch up with your mind. Even with my AH in recovery, my heart is far away from what my mind says to do most of the time. I find I'm still listening to my heart because he IS in recovery. But it's not that pretty on the recovery side either. It's not just that he's off of drugs, he needs to re-work his entire life. Just because he's clean doesn't mean that everything is peachy keen because it ISN'T. BTW, I am 38 years old. More than 1/2 of my life has been chaos.

I'll be the first to tell you that you can endure way more than you think you can - that's not a good thing when you're dealing with an addict. I know everything you're feeling - not trying to be hard on you, just that I know where you're at.

hello-kitty

Unhappy, it may be hard to hear this but what you are doing right now - taking care of him,giving him a safe place to land - is actually preventing him from wanting to recover from his disease. Why should he. He has everything an addict needs to continue his addiction comfortably.

Now letting him hit his bottom may not save him. But preventing him from hitting his bottom definitely isn't saving him. Why not give the poor guy a chance to make the choice for himself. Ya never know. He may surprise you by deciding to do what it takes to get better. Give him the respect and human dignity of allowing him to be responsible for his own decisions. We all deserve that. The right choice isn't always the easy choice...

My own experience tells me that co-dependents focus on trying to save other people because then we don't have to focus on the hard stuff in our own lives - trying save ourselves from our need to control other people and change them.

I think that as codependents, subconsciously, we don't want our addicts to get better. Because then we would have to focus on the real problem - ourselves.

bluebelle

If he threatens to kill himself, tell him that you are concerned about him and that you are going to call 911 so the paramedics can do a psychological assessment to determine if he is a danger to himself. The next time he threatens suicide, go ahead and call 911 and have them come out and do the assessment. If he is just saying this to get attention, then he will stop. I've tried this with an ex-boyfriend, and with my mom, and it worked both times.

However, if he is really thinking of harming himself, then the trained healthcare workers can help him. Either way, it is not your job, or in your ability to save him from himself. By calling 911, you are putting the responsibility back on him.

UNHAPPY777

I can agree with you Hello Kitty to a certain extent. I know that right now my real problem is HIM. If you take him out of the picture life would be just fine....emotionally, financially, and physically. Im a GO-getter and I always make things work for me not against me.... I think this weekend has given me the opportunity to fine out about ME. I am not an will not deal with the chaos anymore. I will write on the board this week about what occured on Friday. I know that the woman that was lost for the last 13 months is now BACK!!!!!! Thanks for you responses