lostheart

Hi i am new to all of this. My partner is a recovering addict of alcohol and meth. She has been clean and sober for just over a year. I dont know what my role is suppose to be. I try to be there for her in all aspects. Encouraged her to get a job, fixed her car so she could get to the job or just able to get out during the day while i am at work. I know that sitting idle is not good b/c it gives to much time to think about and miss the lifestyle.
She gets upset with me b/c i ask her to help around the house. i told her that she is acting as if she has no ambition and she told me that her ambition is stay clean and sober on a daily basis.

I guess what i need to know is what am i suppose to do to keep my life and my sons life normal, as it was before she moved in, without putting pressure on her? I feel as if i am walking on egg shells b/c i don't want to be a trigger.

Help please, any advice would be a great starting place for me

Lost Heart:wtf2

Mark75

Hi

Welcome... I would post your question in the friends and family section, you will get excellent responses from people who have lived what you are.

Mark

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I think it might be hard to keep your life the same as it was before your partner moved in, but, you can find support for yourself. Have you looked at AlAnon or NarAnon meetings in your area? Those could be helpful for you and give you support.

Hopefully your partner will continue her recovery.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Wow, not sure what to say. She's been clean and sober for a year, doesn't work and won't help around the house. She's an adult.

Do you see anything wrong with this picture?

lostheart

she has gotten a job, she took a night position at a recovering facility for addicts. She works part time and it seems that she thinks that since she took that step she shouldn't be pushed for more now. She is constantly on her cell phone texting ex's and friends that she got high with. I love very much but it really hurts that she can't seem to give them up. She can't seem to let the past go, is that normal?

flutter

I don't know if there is any "normal" with this stuff, to be honest. When I got sober, I had to change everything.. my friends, my hangouts, etc. I need no reminders of my past life, as I never plan to revisit.

I hope you posted in Friends and Family, they will surely give you some guidance too

Aysha

Its normal but not healthy in IMO.
We can all put the drugs and booze down. But if you dont do much else..Whats the point. Your just the same as you were. Just not high.

sailorjohn

Red flags there. No good reason for her to be hanging out with her old using buddies, unless every single one went through rehab together.

Crack Cocaine Addiction Information for Families of Crack Cocaine Addicts

Coming across like a broken record here as I've posted this link quite a few times, you'll notice that they point out that crack and meth addicts have a lot in common. There is a lot of good information there for you, this site is for families/partners only, no addicts allowed. Strongly urge that you get educated, and keep posting, you'll find a lot of support here. Try the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum.

Jrock75

There's alot of crazy things me and my old friends used to do I'm not proud of but I still reminice alot. But I have no contact with those people anymore. It sounds like your partner is still actually hanging with that crowd and if she works in a recovery facility she should know that it's gonna hamper her recovery IMHO. I'm not a pro though so take what I say with a grain of salt.

dedubya

i was basing.snorting coke for several years - stopped 15 yrs ago- I moved to a different town but that isnt always possible- the only way to fix that is to get completely away from the sources. I know from experience- crap is too powerful. (meth is the same i am sure- no experience with that). I honestly have no cravings or anything for that now- but if someone was doing it around me or even if i knew i could easily get it, that would be DANGEROUS. maybe even now- i hope not.....but whatever you do realize she needs to realize she is swimming in shark water when she is around people that have it or do it. going to get bit...

TTOSBT

Welcome LH!

All I can say is that, I can't speak to whether it is "normal" but it is dangerous and something that people in recovery are discouraged against. Is she working any type of recovery program? Something like NA, AA or ??

May I ask when she moved in? Were you dating before she got clean?

gneiss

Wow. I have only been trying to clean up for about 3 months but aside from my ex BF, who I only broke up with about a week ago and who I started recovery with, I no longer have contact with anyone I used with. I see them around town occasionally, and it makes me look back, the pull is still too strong.

So, she works part time and otherwise sits around talking to her old drug buddies and her ex, and insists she can't be pushed to do more at this time? In my completely amateur opinion, as a recovering meth and alcohol addict, it seems like a matter of time before she is using again. And I agree that working at a recovery facility, with people who are early in recovery and still probably have access to dope, is a big red flag.

Check out the site sailorjohn mentioned. I used crack and powder when I couldn't get meth and they are weirdly similar. I read through a little bit of it and noticed characteristics of myself and my ex mentioned. It looks like a good resource.

Good luck. Having been on both sides of addiction, an addict and dating one, I wish you the best. Take care of yourself and your son.

WLDKATZ

I am not going to say I havent heard of it before, but Sailor John is right.....red flags everywhere! Then again as for the I just dont feel like it......that could be the mental things that go on after comming off of drugs, then again it could be a cover up for her still using......question is.......HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO LET HER CONTROL YOU AND THIS SITUATION?
It has to be about YOU......you have to make your own limits, just how far are you willing to go, you and only you know how far you can go, what are your limits? Set boundries and STICK TO THEM!!!!!

Good Luck and stick around I am sure there will be others with better info than me, but you may want to suggest a physical at the same time, sorry I think b 12 shots are awsome!


Pamm

gneiss

Good point, WLDKATZ: "that could be the mental things that go on after coming off of drugs, then again it could be a cover up for her still using"

A year later, I feel like the mental issues, while still present, should not be a hindrance to working, but I'm not in her shoes and can't really say. But it could be a cover-up for using, especially if you aren't there during the day. If she was on meth she would likely not be eating or sleeping much (these are common, but I had one friend who meth affected in the opposite ways), but drinking is a lot easier to act "normal" (at least it was for me). Again, the contact with druggies and users concerns me greatly.

Tommyh

if you can find a ala non meeting,it would be wise to go and get involved

lostheart

I want to thank you all that have talked to me about this. We were together for four years prior to our first split. She was all about where the next party was and i am the layed back never used and occasional drink mom of two. We fought alot and finally i had enough and left her, now that she is clean we are fighting b/c she told me that it is all about her and daily pact to stay clean. I got her a new phone on my plan so she could get rid of the past but she won't give up her pay as you go phone that has her "friends". she is constantly texting and keeping up with what is going on. She was ready to leave me last night b/c she wants to go to her moms for the night while i stay here. I said that is fine b/c my mom wanted me to go with the gang which i love to do. I love to dance and visit with them. i am not a heavy drinker and this would have been the first time out for me since weekend after halloween. She said that she couldn't be with someone that was at a bar when she is recovering. I did not ask her to go with me and i would not be coming home drunk to her, or leaving her alone to go do this. She was leaving me and my invited me to go with them. Honestly am i wrong for wanting to do this.

gneiss

But she can still text/talk to her old drug buddies non-stop?!?! Give me a break. I'm about to get very blunt about things. Not trying to be rude but it seems like you need an eye-opener. Try to step outside the situation for a minute and look at what's going on:

-Part time job, refuses to work more. So she's probably not paying her portion of the bills, if I had to take a guess.
-Doesn't help around the house.
-Still talks to her ex, with whom she apparently has no reason to communicate (i.e. kids, shared bills, jointly owned property, etc).
-Still talks to her old drug buddies who are still using. In fact, refuses to stop when offered a new phone and a way out of the lifestyle.
-Found a job where she actually has access to more users with one foot in the revolving door.
-Wants to "go to her mom's" without you. I told people stuff like that all the time when I was using and needed an excuse to go get a fix. Not saying she is using, but it sure looks suspicious.
- Threatens to leave if she does not get her way.

So she appears to be using her "recovery" as an excuse to not do anything, i.e."I just can't handle work/chores/whatever because I'm staying clean." Really? There are a bunch of reformed druggies out there who work and take care of their business starting day one of recovery. I'm one of them, and if I'd had someone to wait on me hand and foot, pay the bills, etc, I'd still be using. Part of recovery is getting your act together and living a normal life. She's not doing it. Drug addiction is selfish, and she's still acting like a druggie. Watch out for us methies. I perfected the art of lying, and I felt no remorse about it. My attitude was "F*** them, I got my drugs and that's what matters." Hell, I stole oxycontin from my own grandmother at Christmas because I needed a fix and had no access to meth. Something about this situation doesn't add up.

least

Sounds like you feel pulled in different directions. Whatever you do, be good to yourself and your child. :ghug3

Emimily

hmm...

any time someone gets sober in a relationship that is sick, there's a shift. counseling might help, because there would be a third party to hear both sides of the story. al-anon might help you. reading the big book, especially the chapter "the family afterwards" might help. is she going to AA or NA? if so, maybe you could ask her to take you to an open meeting... if she's closing you off of her life, or shutting you out of recovery, then it may be time to hit the ole dusty trail.

i think you know, in your heart of hearts, what is acceptable and what isn't. in al-anon you'll find the support to stick to boundaries and take care of yourself and your kiddos. just remember, it's never a bad time to tell the truth.

lostheart

I like to go dancing with my mother, step dad (who does not drink ever!!) and their friends (elderly) who just love to dance. She is going to her moms tonight and we are suppose to be going to a mma fight out of town Sat. so she suggested to me days ago that i should hang with my parents while she visits hers. when i said that i may do that she blew up at me saying that it is not right that the partner of a recovering addict be in a bar while she is out of town. I am suppose to stay completely alcohol and bar free even when she has chosen to be out of town. She is upset at me b/c i expressed that my feelings are different from hers. I am not asking her to come, i am not leaving her home alone to go, i am not getting drunk with the buddies, I am going dancing with my parents. Am i in the wrong????