CrackQuack

Hi. I haven't read the rules yet, my bad. Just wanted to get a couple posts in and then I promise, I'll go read the rules. Anyway, I don't know "anonymous" to be, but I am an addict. Used all kinds of mind altering substances through my teen years, got pregnant and quit using them all. Drank a few times when I worked for GM. Smoked pot a couple times, but nothing major. Then when my eldest kid turned 16, I was introduced to crack cocaine and I went from there, spending most of my days deep in that well of addiction. My only concern, as ya know... Never was arrested or busted, but I sent my eldest kid to Alaska to his Dad and step mom and my youngest and I are on supervised visits, since I opened my big mouth and told his father what I was trying to do (stay clean). I first quit using in August 08. Relapsed in November of 08, again in December, and one more time in February of 09. On those occasions, I was still smoking weed and drinking. This past 52 days, I've done none of them. I don't know how serious I am about recovery, but I want to be 100% serious and I want to stay clean. So I figured the more places I go, meetings I attend, and work I do, I'll get there. I FEAR going back to crack. But I don't yet fear death or becoming addicted to other substances. I know what I need, and I really hope I am finding it. Well, I don't know everything, otherwise, I'd never had taken that first hit, huh? Ok, I am in a goofy mood today. I've been riding high on life since the obsession has been lifted, thanks to the God of my understanding. I hope to continue this and I look forward to meeting others, learning from them, and maybe make a few friends along the way. Thanks for reading my long post..
Sorry, but they can get longer. LOL

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

You haven't broken any rules-yet. Just kidding.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

lovinmenow

Hey Quack,
Welcome. Congrats on your sobriety. Keep going! Hope we can all help.

Aysha

Glad you are here. There is alot of info and support here.
I am a crack addict too. Not much clean time. Not even a month. But I have been trying for a couple years. I think this last one did me in. I have hit that breaking point and pretty sure that was last time for me.
Good plan to get a network of sober people.
And if you want it enough..Anything is possible.
Hope you keep posting.

MrsMagoo

Welcome to SR! It's good that you posted and good for you on your clean time. I am not an addict but my husband is so I know a little about your struggle. The boards look a little show right now but they will pick up soon and many more will be along to respond.

Hope to see more of you!

CrackQuack

Thanks so much for the welcome, and especially from Chiynita. I felt like such a failure the last times I relapsed. I KNOW crack messes up my life. Really F's things up, and I kept wondering if I had to get arrested or die before I figured out that there was no good end to staying on crack. Although it is extremely hard to look my Mom in the eyes, it took stealing a LOT of money from her to hit my bottom. How sad it made her and it stays in my mind. That I DID THAT really just killed me. All in the name to get high. I just don't want to do that. I don't want to do ANY of the things I've done anymore. Those things were not me. The old me was someone who could act high, but not actually be high. Always high on life and never sweated the small stuff. A rock and a pillar for my friends. Always trustworthy. When my friends and family were down, they came to me for smiles and laughs. I completely changed and I hated it and I hid in the crack to keep from seeing it. So I get to see it now, which SUCKS, but with time, making amends, and some healing, oh and some serious work, I can become who I know I am to be. I really am full of hope. After some serious clean time, I hope I can finally give up the cancer sticks too. Just not ready to do that yet...

CrackQuack

Oh, a little OT, but Dead and Gone, man.. THAT is my song. From the first time I heard it online, to the radio where I nearly blow my speakers out...

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!!

Another recovering crack addict here...just celebrated 2 years. I DID do time in jail, sunk really low on that stuff...it's pure evil. Had some clean time, but relapsed. Finally got tired of all the consequences, a lot of which I'm still dealing with and some I always will, but life is a whole lot better despite that!

I abused a lot of stuff, and even though I don't really have a problem saying "he!! no" to crack, I understand what you're saying about "the other stuff". My instint has always been to numb myself to anything I don't want to feel.

I found out that when I reach out to my HP and my friends in recovery, there hasn't been anything bad enough that I have to use over...and believe me, I've been through some pretty bad stuff this past 2 years.

I'm glad you're here...there are some pretty terrific people here, with a ton of ES&H (experience, strength & hope). There aren't that many of us who used crack, but I've found it really doesn't matter the substance..we all go through a lot of the same feelings.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MrsMagoo

Crack took my husband to a place that I never ever thought I would see him (and he's a former heroin user!). It's some scary stuff. I will look for somethign in the garage and realize....OMG, he pawned it too! I can't dwell on that because he is doing so good and you will be too. Stay focused on prize (YOU and the person more like the person you used to be) and you will be able to do it.

I'm glad to see you've come back a couple of times already. This place is addicting as well. Oh, and don't worry about the smokes right now....one thing at a time. My husband is going to quit too but we both agree that with only 34 days clean....he should probably wait.

Aysha

Yea..I been down the same road practlically as Impurrfect. Took me to places that would make most people cringe.
But after all that. It took me crossing a line with ym family this last time to really smack me in the head.
I been to many bottoms. I was beginning to think I didnt have one. But I do. And it is my family.
And all it took was for them to distance themselves and detach. They still arent talking to me. But its only been about a month.
You sound like you are heading in the right direction.

Anna

Welcome!

CrackQuack

Isn't that the truth? Every time I went back, nothing good came of it. But so far, every time I've said no, good comes right around the corner. I think I am experiencing some "late term" withdrawals? I have no clue. I feel sick all the time, get a migraine nearly every day. And on top of it, got an ear infection about two days ago, which I know has nothing to do with my addiction, but it sucks because I can't afford to go to the doctor. I don't know if it will affect my hearing (HUH?) or not... Hopefully it will go away on it's own and not make me deaf, but well... I am obsessing over it.. My main thing is I am tired of taking Excedrin all day long to avoid daily migraines and I sure don't want/can't afford a script for them. Just wondered if that is more of my head messing with me??? I've not gone this long, ever, without using crack OR a substitute to "get me through". So I really don't know.. Thanks again, everyone for the welcome. I am glad to be here. Especially since getting my new job, I don't want to go to the meetings by where I used to cop (just yet) and I can't go to my night ones since I am working. It kind of sucks. This place gives me some of the comfort and support I am looking for.
And I agree, our DOC's don't matter. We do go through a lot of the same feelings and problems. And I'd love to leave my brain at home. Borrow someone else's for a while until mine recovers. LOLOLOL