tallulah

Well... It has been twelve days since the incident and I left the house I shared with the A.

In that time I've had a myriad of things to deal with and I have a few more on the horizon. I've been concentrating on me. I have had no contact with the A (due to the pending legal matters).

I'm wondering if how I am feeling is 'normal'. I'm missing the 'good' feelings of being in the relationship but not so much that I am grieving them. I'm not angry with him and in fact I have forgiven him, but I'm mindful of what he has done and the wrong in that. I haven't forgotten.

This probably sounds odd but I feel quite indifferent about him in some ways. I'm not feeling any 'mourning'. There is no breaking of my heart, weeping, gnashing of teeth. It just struck me today that none of the usual stuff that goes with the breakdown of a relationship is going on with me.

Huh-oh... is it storing up waiting to hit me later.

Chrysalis123

Do you think you may be in shock and or denial?

Freedom1990

That doesn't sound odd to me at all because that is where I'm at, and have been for a long time with my oldest AD, indifferent.

That doesn't mean I don't have some fond memories of her pre-addiction/alcoholism, but I'm flat out indifferent. The damage has been done, she continues to make the choices she does, and I've moved on with my life.

Sometimes I think we get too caught up in thinking we 'should' be feeling different than what we are feeling, instead of just being right where we are at the moment and accepting it.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

tallulah

I was definately in shock and denial when the incident happened and for a couple of days afterwards. But I don't feel that way now... or at least I feel different and can recognise how I was feeling.

If that makes sense.

tallulah

I know exactly what you mean. I'm not diminishing any of the good stuff of the relationship and I'm not denying the love I felt for the good parts of him... but I'm in this place of almost seeing it (the relationship and him) from outside looking in.

It just struck me today.. I'm in some kind of acceptance about what has happened and indifference about him. No crying for what I have lost or might have beens. Which got me to wondering whether I'm storing up some heartache or delayed reaction for the future when the craziness of what has happened is over.

Barbara52

This sounds a lot like what I felt when I finally left now xAH. I think that because it took me a while, and by the time I did leave I knew my marriage had died long ago and my love for him with it, it was in some ways anticlimatic. Sure there was some pain, some sadness. But on the whole, it wasn't anywhere near as hard or gut wrenching as I thought it "should" be.

tallulah

I think back to previous relationship endings and feeling sad and in mourning. This time.. it's different.

I was moving out anyway but still felt sadness and pain.. but then 'BAM' he did what he did and the aftermath of that is that feeling is nowhere to be found. I suppose it has something to do with it. In some kind of strange way what he has done has dealt a blow to that. It isn't as gut wrenching at all. In fact it feels like it all happened a hundred years ago.

TakingCharge999

Hi tallulah!

I agree 100% with Freedom. As long as they are YOUR feelings, they are valid. There are no shoulds. When I left I was almost relieved. To me it was the other way, I left feeling normal, and just after a few months it started dawning on me how much I felt for this guy.

Then there have been 5 waves and a mix of all kinds of emotions... its just a process and as long as you take care of yourself you'll do well! I am glad you are posting and you are doing better. ((tallulah))

littlebrr

You've been seeking active recovery for a while, right?

You prepared yourself, educated yourself and starting making yourself your #1 priority.

That preparation probably helped you to detach a while ago so maybe the mourning and the saddness has already happened (what was the reason you sought recovery in the first place?) You've been angry, sad, frustrated, heart broken, but realized that you needed to do what you needed to do to make your life better.

Now, you accept that he's an A and isn't going to change, but that doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't continue on your journey. You've realized that you have to leave him behind (and you probably realized this a long time ago) or you would continue to suffer and "that" life wasn't acceptable to you.

This is how I feel about my relationship with my A who also happens to be my mom. I had to leave her behind (stop enabling, being codependant, etc.) and it scared the hell out of me that I wasn't sad or depressed. I didn't give up, I just chose to make my life a priority instead of hers. I still talk to her, but our conversations are usually two or three minutes because I don't want to hear the quacking. She still isn't in recovery or even admitting she's an A (deny, deny, deny) and until she does, I will continue on my journey, even if that means that our current "relationship" stays this way forever and I accept that that might just be what happens.

tallulah

Awww thanks :ghug I'm taking everyday as it comes and just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I was kind of wrenched out of the situation with the A and there is an enforced NC on his part. I've realised that I have not had one single urge to contact him and I suppose it is puzzling me that I don't (lol). I guess these things happen for a reason and I am being given the space to deal with things without any blame throwing and making me feel crappy from him.

It's the 'waves' that concern me. That's why I've posted for some ESH. I'm wondering whether this is going to hit me like a ton of bricks sometime in the not too distant future and whether there is anything I can to do to ensure it doesn't.

tallulah

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting on 9 February. I had detached from the A in some ways a year before that. I sought out Al-Anon because I needed to get a handle on how I was feeling. I suppose having lived in a limbo for a year I needed to make me a priority again, see if the relationship was something I could 'do' anymore and if it was get the correct tools for me. The relationship with the A ended after that meeting. I still attended Al-Anon and still pressed ahead with my plans for a happier future for me.

You know you are probably right. I've already done the mourning but it was probably all jumbled up with the wondering whether it could work out and so the sadness that it wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't has already been there.

Barbara52

This thread may help alittle

tallulah

That's great Barbara.. Thank you :ghug3

GiveLove

It didn't for me (hit like a ton of bricks, that is.)

Everyone is different. For you, and for me, I think we had done quite a bit of detaching before things officially came to an end. It didn't come out of the blue. We thought a lot and planned a lot and tried a lot and worked through a lot of the pain already.

Tallulah.........maybe you're just.........growing?

:ghug3

tallulah

I hear ya about the detaching. I think it would have been harder had he been or acted more like the guy I first met. As it was my last memory of him is the guy who would do me harm and think nothing of it.

Growing? how cool is that

:ghug

GiveLove

That's what I've got my money on I think we're often taught that if we don't feel this wrenching anguish, there's something wrong with us. We wait for the other shoe to drop, and because we're looking for it, it might accommodate us!

But really.......you may just be healing & processing inside, subconsciously working through what you'll do next, and it takes all your mental energy. No time for wringing of hands...you're too busy surviving, living and growing.

tallulah

Yeah. I think back to a couple of boyfriends nowhere near as significant as this man (I mean I actually loved him and there was talk of marriage and baby with him!) and the pain and sadness of them leaving my life was palpable. I felt it. So here I am waiting for it and nothing.

My energy is probably being spent on physically and mentally healing. The focus is off him and on me. I'm thinking of the future. I'm picturing being happy, content, in the moment and loving it, excited about the future.. and this is going to sound a bit premature probably (and I'm ready to have my @ss kicked for thinking this).. being in a healthy relationship!

snowdreamerny

It's probably a form of detachment from you being treated so badly for so long. I go through detachment periods when my AB is in relapse mode. This most recent relapse he had, I didn't even want to talk to him. When he called me, I knew he was drunk and wouldn't answer my phone. I had no desire to talk to him at all. The more relapses he has, the more detached I feel during the relapse period. I even debated if I loved him anymore. However, once he gets sober again, all the feels of love coming rushing back. Lucky for me, I guess, because since his first relapse two months ago, the sober periods are quite rare. Therefore, maybe within the next relapse period or two, I'll be able to get over him for good!

Freedom1990

Stay in the moment. My sponsor used to get on me about that a lot. Don't borrow trouble before it gets here (and chances are, whatever freaking trouble my head thinks will get here doesn't arrive anyway).

Go with the flow. Live in the moment. Get out of your head. Take a walk. Read a book. Do something other than stay stuck in your head, hon. :ghug

Spontaneity is a lot of fun when we learn to finally relax and just go with the flow!

tallulah

I'm afraid my A didn't have the excuse of the booze for the last couple of years. He wasn't drinking.

The more they push you away the harder it is to keep coming back. Then one day they push and you haven't the strength to come back. Then they can point and say, 'Look see this is how it always ends up and you are no different. I knew you were wrong for me. Yadda yadda yadda.' Like it's your fault.

Oh how I dream of having a certain consistency. The ability to be able to have a disagreement about something, or to voice a boundary, or to voice a hurt and the love/trust/respect still be there. The ability to just be and the love is unconditional.

Actually scratch the dream part... that's next for me