I let go..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 46
I let go.. After I posted about control recently, I got a lot of replies that opened my thinking. You were all right and I need to learn to let go of the urge to orchestrate and direct things.
I have so much pain at my own hand, when things don't go they way I want them to. It's more than just a let down. It's falsely elevated expectations based on my "ethnocentric" way of thinking as a codie. Momma knows best right? :P Not so much.
When ABF came home for lunch yesterday, I told him that I wasn't comfortable with having made the decision for "weekend only drinking", even if he did ask me to give him a guideline. I explained that I didn't want that type of control and that I needed to trust that he was competent to make his own decisions in regard to his behavior. I feel good about that. I actually believed myself as the words parted my lips.
I still need to decide what my boundary is with his level of A. I think only some time observing his choices will help me in that. Knowing what we've been through and discussed I know if my boundary is crossed my only option will be to leave. I won't tell him what my boundary is when I figure out what my boundary is, because I now see that it would be controlling on my part. I can't expect him to change because I want him to, and I can't be expected to give in because he can't change.
So I'm playing it by ear for now. I'm trying to heal as I go.
Thank you all for continuing to call us all on the carpet- We need all of the help we can get
:ghug
I have so much pain at my own hand, when things don't go they way I want them to. It's more than just a let down. It's falsely elevated expectations based on my "ethnocentric" way of thinking as a codie. Momma knows best right? :P Not so much.
When ABF came home for lunch yesterday, I told him that I wasn't comfortable with having made the decision for "weekend only drinking", even if he did ask me to give him a guideline. I explained that I didn't want that type of control and that I needed to trust that he was competent to make his own decisions in regard to his behavior. I feel good about that. I actually believed myself as the words parted my lips.
I still need to decide what my boundary is with his level of A. I think only some time observing his choices will help me in that. Knowing what we've been through and discussed I know if my boundary is crossed my only option will be to leave. I won't tell him what my boundary is when I figure out what my boundary is, because I now see that it would be controlling on my part. I can't expect him to change because I want him to, and I can't be expected to give in because he can't change.
So I'm playing it by ear for now. I'm trying to heal as I go.
Thank you all for continuing to call us all on the carpet- We need all of the help we can get
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Cherie, I hope you plan to do something nice for yourself today because you deserve it: this is hard, hard work you're doing. And staying in the 'now', staying inside your own sphere of control, is SO very hard.
There's a famous quote that describes writing a novel, but the principle is the same for us folks trying to figure out where our boundaries are: It's like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
Stay in the moment, stay tuned-in to that small, still voice inside you that tells you what's best for YOU - your happiness, your future, your development as a human being. Everything will become clear to you, one day at a time.
You can make the whole trip that way :ghug3
There's a famous quote that describes writing a novel, but the principle is the same for us folks trying to figure out where our boundaries are: It's like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
Stay in the moment, stay tuned-in to that small, still voice inside you that tells you what's best for YOU - your happiness, your future, your development as a human being. Everything will become clear to you, one day at a time.
You can make the whole trip that way :ghug3
I'll celebrate when I'm feeling better!Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
sleepycherie!
Well done!
The more you transact in this type of "letting go" thinking the more natural and automatic it will become...one day at a time! You've made a great stride in YOUR recovery!! Hope you feel better soon-
peace,
b
Well done!
The more you transact in this type of "letting go" thinking the more natural and automatic it will become...one day at a time! You've made a great stride in YOUR recovery!! Hope you feel better soon-
peace,
b
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