New to all this- don't know what to do for the best?
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New to all this- don't know what to do for the best?
I am so exhausted and don’t know what to do for the best.
My boyfriend admitted he had an alcohol problem after we had a very nasty break up last Friday.
On the Monday he went to hospital and since then has been to AA at least once a day since.
This is not something I have ever had to deal with in my life and I am unsure what to do. I have spent a lot of time looking at the AA site and reading through this forum.
When we split up I was adamant that it was over- I had already given him chances and he had not done it. It took I think the shock of what he did on that Friday to make him realise he had a problem.
He is now determined that he is going to change his life and never drink again. But can someone who’s whole social life revolves so much around alcohol really change his whole way of being?
Also I do not want him to do this for me- I did not ask him to do this- it was not a conversation we ever had or a condition to us getting back together. It is something he has done off his own back. But I feel responsible to be there for him… I saw him last night and told him I could not be his crux that he needed to do this on his own, I do not want him to be dependant on me to recover as I want him to do it for his self.
I said that maybe if he is sober for 3 months then we could talk about our relationship again but not until then.
Am I doing the right or wrong thing? I can not be there for him on a daily basis for my own self, I need him to so it his self, but by saying that I may consider our relationship again- was I wrong? ??
Can he really change? Can a person change that much. It is consuming my life, I am trying to take one day at a time but it is so hard not to think of the what ifs?
I also feel like I want to reward him when he does well- like he has a big do next Sunday- if he gets through it without drinking I feel like I want to say great well done after your Sunday meeting you can take me out to dinner. But is this sort of thing the wrong thing to do???? I just don’t know what to do for the best??!!
Please help me and give me advice.
x x
My boyfriend admitted he had an alcohol problem after we had a very nasty break up last Friday.
On the Monday he went to hospital and since then has been to AA at least once a day since.
This is not something I have ever had to deal with in my life and I am unsure what to do. I have spent a lot of time looking at the AA site and reading through this forum.
When we split up I was adamant that it was over- I had already given him chances and he had not done it. It took I think the shock of what he did on that Friday to make him realise he had a problem.
He is now determined that he is going to change his life and never drink again. But can someone who’s whole social life revolves so much around alcohol really change his whole way of being?
Also I do not want him to do this for me- I did not ask him to do this- it was not a conversation we ever had or a condition to us getting back together. It is something he has done off his own back. But I feel responsible to be there for him… I saw him last night and told him I could not be his crux that he needed to do this on his own, I do not want him to be dependant on me to recover as I want him to do it for his self.
I said that maybe if he is sober for 3 months then we could talk about our relationship again but not until then.
Am I doing the right or wrong thing? I can not be there for him on a daily basis for my own self, I need him to so it his self, but by saying that I may consider our relationship again- was I wrong? ??
Can he really change? Can a person change that much. It is consuming my life, I am trying to take one day at a time but it is so hard not to think of the what ifs?
I also feel like I want to reward him when he does well- like he has a big do next Sunday- if he gets through it without drinking I feel like I want to say great well done after your Sunday meeting you can take me out to dinner. But is this sort of thing the wrong thing to do???? I just don’t know what to do for the best??!!
Please help me and give me advice.
x x
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Coming from your side of the fence, I'd say it takes a good TWO YEARS MINIMUM of hard, honest, absolutely committed gut-wrenching recovery, for a person to really start to change at the permanent level.
Go off, and live your life the way it makes you happiest for those two years. Make no promises or commitments out into the future with the X. Get yourself to Alanon and learn what this whole new world is about - and it is a whole new world. You don't just go to AA and "fix" it in 90 in 90, so don't be fooled. If he TRULY wants to change his entire being and life away from being an alcoholic, YOU are not the person he needs most for support. He needs the support of other successfully recovering alcoholics.
Read until your eyeballs are popping, on this site, to see the stories and patterns of this disease called addiction. The best thing you can do is step away from the addict, and let them focus entirely on recovery, until they are significantly changed, and stable, if that ever occurs. Read the hundreds of stories of folks in your position, and what happened to them when they made certain types of decisions, thinking it was "in support" of their addict. The best thing you can do is educate yourself about this, and know what the facts are.
And then, after that, take a look at the landscape, and see what you want for YOUR life. The only person you have control over, the only life you are able to direct, is yours. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years? Read around here, and see where people have spent those years. There are no magical cures, no unique addicts, no extra special relationships that make the chances of success better.
To jump back in right now would be a wild ride, with NO guarantee of anything, except extreme stress, for the next two years.
This thing is big, way bigger than you may realize, to change.
CLMI
Go off, and live your life the way it makes you happiest for those two years. Make no promises or commitments out into the future with the X. Get yourself to Alanon and learn what this whole new world is about - and it is a whole new world. You don't just go to AA and "fix" it in 90 in 90, so don't be fooled. If he TRULY wants to change his entire being and life away from being an alcoholic, YOU are not the person he needs most for support. He needs the support of other successfully recovering alcoholics.
Read until your eyeballs are popping, on this site, to see the stories and patterns of this disease called addiction. The best thing you can do is step away from the addict, and let them focus entirely on recovery, until they are significantly changed, and stable, if that ever occurs. Read the hundreds of stories of folks in your position, and what happened to them when they made certain types of decisions, thinking it was "in support" of their addict. The best thing you can do is educate yourself about this, and know what the facts are.
And then, after that, take a look at the landscape, and see what you want for YOUR life. The only person you have control over, the only life you are able to direct, is yours. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years? Read around here, and see where people have spent those years. There are no magical cures, no unique addicts, no extra special relationships that make the chances of success better.
To jump back in right now would be a wild ride, with NO guarantee of anything, except extreme stress, for the next two years.
This thing is big, way bigger than you may realize, to change.
CLMI
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! Keep reading and posting. One of the best things you can do is become informed so that you can make the right choices for yourself. Not him, you.
Yes, many do successfully fight their alcoholism and stay sober for the rest of their life. But its not easy and it needs to be the focus of their life for a considerable period of time, especially at the beginning.
You get to decide if you are willing to put your life on hold waiting to see if he is successful or not, whether you are willing to risk being involved with someone so new to the idea of recovery and sobriety.
My question to you is whether you want his alcoholism to be the focus of our life? It is not your addiction, it is not your problem and it is not something you can control or cure.
You cannot be his support system since you are not a recovering alcoholic and haven't been there, done that (so to speak). He needs to seek his recovery in his own way and you really get to stay in the background. It is his to own.
Rewarding him for getting thru situation X sorta sounds like trating him like a child to me. I mean it sounds like something I would have done with my kids when they were little: if you behave when we are at Susie's birthday party, I'll buy you a toy. From where I sit, that really doesn't sound constructive or adult.
Originally Posted by Bryn 
Can he really change? Can a person change that much.
You get to decide if you are willing to put your life on hold waiting to see if he is successful or not, whether you are willing to risk being involved with someone so new to the idea of recovery and sobriety.
Originally Posted by Bryn
It is consuming my life, I am trying to take one day at a time but it is so hard not to think of the what ifs?
You cannot be his support system since you are not a recovering alcoholic and haven't been there, done that (so to speak). He needs to seek his recovery in his own way and you really get to stay in the background. It is his to own.
Rewarding him for getting thru situation X sorta sounds like trating him like a child to me. I mean it sounds like something I would have done with my kids when they were little: if you behave when we are at Susie's birthday party, I'll buy you a toy. From where I sit, that really doesn't sound constructive or adult.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Thanks for your comments. In regards to the 'rewarding' scenario. Its just so hard because he wants to spend time with me so much and I am currently saying no. I just didn't know whether to say if he gets through these big occasions whether yes we can spend some time together?
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Location: Arlington, VA
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What do you want? Not what does he want or need or expect. What do you want and need? Is it in your best interests to stay involved with an alcoholic? Do you want to stay on the rollercoaster that is life with an alcoholic, even when they begin recovery?
Your choices will not make a danged bit of difference in his recovery. He will drink or not drink regardless of what you do or say.
Your choices will not make a danged bit of difference in his recovery. He will drink or not drink regardless of what you do or say.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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It is just so hard because he is verging on black mailing me, saying that if I don't give him another chance then there is no point of doing it at and even no point to life. If i remain strong and keep my distance how do i live with myself if i am the reason that he didn't carry on recovering?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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Originally Posted by Bryn
It is just so hard because he is verging on black mailing me, saying that if I don't give him another chance then there is no point of doing it at and even no point to life. If i remain strong and keep my distance how do i live with myself if i am the reason that he didn't carry on recovering?
NO! You aren't that powerful. If he drinks, its because he chooses to drink. If he chooses to seek sobriety, it because he chooses to do so.
You cannot control him, you cannot cure him, you cannot change him. Only he can do that. ANd from where I sit, if he is making comments like that, well he is just not serious about seeking sobreity. An A has to want sobriety in their gut if they are going to succeed. If he is trying to blame you or make you responsible for what he chooses to do or not do, he is not serious.
So you get to decide if this is what you want in your life. Do you want an active alcoholic and all that can mean? Do you want someone who tries to blackmail you into staying with them? Do you want to put your own needs and wants on the back burner to deal with his manipulations?
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Join Date: May 2008
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Originally Posted by Bryn
If i remain strong and keep my distance how do i live with myself if i am the reason that he didn't carry on recovering?
(((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Welcome Bryn, your last post worries me....do you really want to stay in a relationship where your partner tries to 'threaten' with his life to get you do be with them? That's a danger signal, for me anyway, a way of trying to control and manipulate you so that he can get what he wants (i.e. time with you).
Please read around this forum and get informed. You are NOT the reason for anyone's recovery or non-recovery, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY. It's manipulation, plain and simple. You can do back-flips, as many of us have done, and if he wants to drink he will. This is not meant to sound harsh, but no one has that kind of power over anyone else. Don't let him convince you otherwise; as you'll see, it's a common tactic with alcoholics. If he doesn't carry on recovery; HE's the reason for that.
Please read around this forum and get informed. You are NOT the reason for anyone's recovery or non-recovery, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY. It's manipulation, plain and simple. You can do back-flips, as many of us have done, and if he wants to drink he will. This is not meant to sound harsh, but no one has that kind of power over anyone else. Don't let him convince you otherwise; as you'll see, it's a common tactic with alcoholics. If he doesn't carry on recovery; HE's the reason for that.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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From your original post:
When we split up I was adamant that it was over- I had already given him chances and he had not done it. It took I think the shock of what he did on that Friday to make him realise he had a problem.
This is your healthy decision based on what is best for you. Good for you. Make a journal of what happened Friday. Write about what had happened prior. You may need to read back over this from time to time as your A continues to make contact.
The contact your A is making is what we affectionately call quacking! The part about him giving up on sobriety or life without you is not original! It is desperation on his part to control you. Alcoholics are master manipulators.
You seem to be a smart person, and you have established some healthy boundaries with consequences. You are doing great! It took me over 10 years to realize how much I was being controlled by my AH. We are now separated and I have filed for divorce. He continued to party through the separation, but since I filed - I have gotten the same desperation attempts.
Yes, some alcoholics can find recovery for themselves. I have. There was not anything my family, friends or spouse could have said or done to MAKE me find sobriety. I needed to do it for myself. I have found the support, help and experience of others in recovery to be very helpful. Support from non-alcoholics is nice to receive, but no one gets it better than someone who has walked the path.
Stick around, read the sticky notes at the top of each section: Friends and Family stickies will show you what it is like to try live with and without the alcoholic, Alcoholism (especially the excerpts from Under the Influence) will show you what it is like to be addicted to alcohol.
We are glad you are here!:ghug
When we split up I was adamant that it was over- I had already given him chances and he had not done it. It took I think the shock of what he did on that Friday to make him realise he had a problem.
This is your healthy decision based on what is best for you. Good for you. Make a journal of what happened Friday. Write about what had happened prior. You may need to read back over this from time to time as your A continues to make contact.
The contact your A is making is what we affectionately call quacking! The part about him giving up on sobriety or life without you is not original! It is desperation on his part to control you. Alcoholics are master manipulators.
You seem to be a smart person, and you have established some healthy boundaries with consequences. You are doing great! It took me over 10 years to realize how much I was being controlled by my AH. We are now separated and I have filed for divorce. He continued to party through the separation, but since I filed - I have gotten the same desperation attempts.
Yes, some alcoholics can find recovery for themselves. I have. There was not anything my family, friends or spouse could have said or done to MAKE me find sobriety. I needed to do it for myself. I have found the support, help and experience of others in recovery to be very helpful. Support from non-alcoholics is nice to receive, but no one gets it better than someone who has walked the path.
Stick around, read the sticky notes at the top of each section: Friends and Family stickies will show you what it is like to try live with and without the alcoholic, Alcoholism (especially the excerpts from Under the Influence) will show you what it is like to be addicted to alcohol.
We are glad you are here!:ghug
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
You are doing the right thing by focusing on YOU!!
I am living with my AH, who is in the midst of early sobriety and going to a meeting every day; however, I don't think it would stick if he did not do the work involved as well (working steps with his sponsor). And I have to wonder how much work your boyfriend is actually doing if he's ready to throw it all away if you are not with him. Don't let him put the responsibility on you.
I am living with my AH, who is in the midst of early sobriety and going to a meeting every day; however, I don't think it would stick if he did not do the work involved as well (working steps with his sponsor). And I have to wonder how much work your boyfriend is actually doing if he's ready to throw it all away if you are not with him. Don't let him put the responsibility on you.
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He has just text me it reads " I have been to 14 meetings now and haven't had a drink since that Friday, would like to but got my life to look forward to. I would love us to get back together in time as I miss you and love you and your the most important thing in my life. Would love you to come tonight (he has a sporting final match) which I know in my heart you won't. If not well life goes on and as long as i'm focussed and work hard and keep faith in my sobriety i'll be ok with you or most probably without"
How sad does this make me feel.
How sad does this make me feel.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
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Take what you will of this and leave the rest.
I have been in the place you are now. I have been told that I am the one, that without me everything is pointless, that I am the most important thing in his life etc. etc. etc.
I have had a heart full of love and hope, I have trusted that what this person has said was real, I have had my heart strings tugged until they almost snap etc. etc.
Does it work out? Maybe you will be the lucky one who knows. Maybe this isn't manipulation. Maybe he has had an epiphany and is getting help and working a programme for a better future and picturing you in it.
But maybe not.. and that is what you have to be honest with yourself about even if he can't be honest with you about that.
The flipside is not a fairy story. Read around what being with someone who can say 'there is no point of doing it at and even no point to life' to someone they say they love and supposedly respect actually means.
If you still want to be with him then I wish you love and strength.. x
I have been in the place you are now. I have been told that I am the one, that without me everything is pointless, that I am the most important thing in his life etc. etc. etc.
I have had a heart full of love and hope, I have trusted that what this person has said was real, I have had my heart strings tugged until they almost snap etc. etc.
Does it work out? Maybe you will be the lucky one who knows. Maybe this isn't manipulation. Maybe he has had an epiphany and is getting help and working a programme for a better future and picturing you in it.
But maybe not.. and that is what you have to be honest with yourself about even if he can't be honest with you about that.
The flipside is not a fairy story. Read around what being with someone who can say 'there is no point of doing it at and even no point to life' to someone they say they love and supposedly respect actually means.
If you still want to be with him then I wish you love and strength.. x
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Just to clarify I am not going to the match. I am going on a very well thought through pre arranged evening of shopping instead!! Knew if I was sat at home it would be harder not to go!
But I just feel like I am being selfish by intentionally not being there for him. By me not being there and supporting him I am making him feel awful- how is this right?
But I just feel like I am being selfish by intentionally not being there for him. By me not being there and supporting him I am making him feel awful- how is this right?
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Originally Posted by Bryn
Just to clarify I am not going to the match. I am going on a very well thought through pre arranged evening of shopping instead!! Knew if I was sat at home it would be harder not to go!
But I just feel like I am being selfish by intentionally not being there for him. By me not being there and supporting him I am making him feel awful- how is this right?
But I just feel like I am being selfish by intentionally not being there for him. By me not being there and supporting him I am making him feel awful- how is this right?
Of course you feel selfish. That's precisely what you are supposed to feel. Not healthy with a healthy normal boundary not to get caught up in someone else's insanity. How dare you say I am not going to get sucked into the blackhole of your problems... after all if you loved him and cared about him you would.. I'm willing to bet if you stay firm the next thing will be that you are just like all the rest but he thought you were different. He'll be disappointed and let down. Then you'll think, hang on I am different and go all out to prove it and IT is different.
I could almost write the script.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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Do you want to stay in this relationship or did you truly break up? If you broke up, why would you be involved? If you are together, well read everything you can about alcoholism, its effects on the loved ones of alcholics and examine why you want to be involved when you know this man has huge problems. How long have you been dating? What dreams do you have for yourself? Does the insanity of alcoholism ift well into those dreams of yours?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Is it selfish to want to move on with your own life after a break up? Is it selfish to hang around your ex and offer him the hope of a reconciliation you don't want? What are your motives for maintaining contact with someone you've finished with? It seems like you're being sucked into his drama.
How can you 'make' him feel awful? You've already said you're not going. Good grief, you broke up!! He is responsible for his own actions, his own decisions and his own feelings. You just don't have the power to make him do, or feel, anything! How he reacts to you not being there is his choice. Your life cannot revolve around him. Trust me - I've been there and that way madness lies...
Hang strong, read the stickies at the top of the forum and I can't recommend highly enough the book 'Co-dependant No More' by Melody Beattie - it was a real eye opener for me!
How can you 'make' him feel awful? You've already said you're not going. Good grief, you broke up!! He is responsible for his own actions, his own decisions and his own feelings. You just don't have the power to make him do, or feel, anything! How he reacts to you not being there is his choice. Your life cannot revolve around him. Trust me - I've been there and that way madness lies...
Hang strong, read the stickies at the top of the forum and I can't recommend highly enough the book 'Co-dependant No More' by Melody Beattie - it was a real eye opener for me!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Originally Posted by tallulah
I'm willing to bet if you stay firm the next thing will be that you are just like all the rest but he thought you were different. He'll be disappointed and let down. Then you'll think, hang on I am different and go all out to prove it and IT is different.
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