After their death. Detached? Learning more?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2
After their death. Detached? Learning more?
My Alcoholic mother passed away a month ago.
She was battling her disease for 10 years and it caught up to her.
Anyways, I feel so detached, I mean, I love her but I detached
myself so much from her during her last 6 months/year that its very difficult to
feel connect back with the thoughts of her. Will this last forever?
Also, we thought she was just an alcoholic but as we have been cleaning up the house and gathering more information =through records we are starting to think she may have been included in some sort of narcotic(s).
When we get the toxicology is it better to just not look or find out?
She was battling her disease for 10 years and it caught up to her.
Anyways, I feel so detached, I mean, I love her but I detached
myself so much from her during her last 6 months/year that its very difficult to
feel connect back with the thoughts of her. Will this last forever?
Also, we thought she was just an alcoholic but as we have been cleaning up the house and gathering more information =through records we are starting to think she may have been included in some sort of narcotic(s).
When we get the toxicology is it better to just not look or find out?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I know what you mean about the numbness and detachment. I had also detached from my late family members, and it took a while to unearth the feelings I had, let alone sort through them.
It will happen on its own timetable, in its own way - we all deal with loss and grief differently. I felt almost nothing right away, but later on things would come to me at odd moments -- counseling helped in those times, to keep it all from becoming overwhelming.
If you think you would benefit in any way from seeing a narcotics report, then I see no reason not to. But really, it doesn't matter. I wasn't interested in knowing everything that was in my sisters' systems when they died. I knew what killed them already, and the rest would've just caused more damage.
That too is a very personal journey though -----
Try your best to take care of the living...you, and your family. Your life goes on, and you might have some healing to do before you can really internalize what's happened, learn from it, forgive, and get on with life.....please let us know if we can help you process anything. Lots of good people here.
Hugs,
GL
It will happen on its own timetable, in its own way - we all deal with loss and grief differently. I felt almost nothing right away, but later on things would come to me at odd moments -- counseling helped in those times, to keep it all from becoming overwhelming.
If you think you would benefit in any way from seeing a narcotics report, then I see no reason not to. But really, it doesn't matter. I wasn't interested in knowing everything that was in my sisters' systems when they died. I knew what killed them already, and the rest would've just caused more damage.
That too is a very personal journey though -----
Try your best to take care of the living...you, and your family. Your life goes on, and you might have some healing to do before you can really internalize what's happened, learn from it, forgive, and get on with life.....please let us know if we can help you process anything. Lots of good people here.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 13
When my Mom passed away the official cause of death was listed was "probable heart failure." In cleaning out her apartment, we found huge quantities of prescription meds she'd stockpiled and so it's very likely it was suicide. I chose not to do an autopsy and personally haven't regretted it, as I'd known for years that she had been deeply depressed (she would occasionally threaten suicide as a manipulation) and had already resolved that if she did take her own life that it was her choice, not my fault. I therefore didn't feel a real need to find out "for sure" what the cause had been when she did pass.
If I could offer anything, it would be to go with your best gut instinct in terms of what you most need right now. Do you feel a need to know for your own peace of heart, or will knowing that her choices caught up with her be enough for you down the years?
If you worry that you'll always wonder, that's worth paying attention to- but you have the freedom to let it go as well.
Best to you in this loss.
If I could offer anything, it would be to go with your best gut instinct in terms of what you most need right now. Do you feel a need to know for your own peace of heart, or will knowing that her choices caught up with her be enough for you down the years?
If you worry that you'll always wonder, that's worth paying attention to- but you have the freedom to let it go as well.
Best to you in this loss.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
A death of a parent is always difficult, in part because our lives were, through good and bad, deeply involved with theirs. Even with detachment, a mother is the person who brought you into the world.
One thing that I know is that one should not deny or dismiss the necessity of some amount of grief or healing from the loss. As Givelove and Psalm have pointed out, you likely have some feelings to sort through eventually. I lost my AM to a alcohol-related car accident in my first year of college. The previous year her health and addiction had not gotten better (AF was not helping the situation). I returned to school resolved to just put the matter behind me and get back to work.
I did not talk to any counselor, campus minister, professor, or any other student about my loss. No body. My AF had encouraged me to handle it this way ('water over the bridge', ect - oh, they give such great life advice). Big mistake. I became even more reclusive, withdrawn, and depressed, and nearly flunked out of school.
With my AF's death, even though I had lots of resentment toward him, it was really (really, really, really, really) helpful to talk with relatives and friends. I didn't have tear-soaked grief-fests, I just talked about things we did together, little problems, or anything at all. It just helped to talk, even if it was mostly about the tv shows he watched. It was difficult to bring up the 'A' word with relatives ('health problems' is what I used) but talking helped anyway.
I can't comment on the testing for narcotics. We did not test my mother for alcohol and to this day such knowledge would not have made any difference.
One thing that I know is that one should not deny or dismiss the necessity of some amount of grief or healing from the loss. As Givelove and Psalm have pointed out, you likely have some feelings to sort through eventually. I lost my AM to a alcohol-related car accident in my first year of college. The previous year her health and addiction had not gotten better (AF was not helping the situation). I returned to school resolved to just put the matter behind me and get back to work.
I did not talk to any counselor, campus minister, professor, or any other student about my loss. No body. My AF had encouraged me to handle it this way ('water over the bridge', ect - oh, they give such great life advice). Big mistake. I became even more reclusive, withdrawn, and depressed, and nearly flunked out of school.
With my AF's death, even though I had lots of resentment toward him, it was really (really, really, really, really) helpful to talk with relatives and friends. I didn't have tear-soaked grief-fests, I just talked about things we did together, little problems, or anything at all. It just helped to talk, even if it was mostly about the tv shows he watched. It was difficult to bring up the 'A' word with relatives ('health problems' is what I used) but talking helped anyway.
I can't comment on the testing for narcotics. We did not test my mother for alcohol and to this day such knowledge would not have made any difference.
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