lsb

I went to two AA meetings with my boyfriend who is a recovering alcoholic. Just writing that and calling him that sounds weird to me. I don't view him as an alcoholic. I met him in his sobriety of three years. To be honest I can't even view him as a drinker, but obviously he was at one point.

The biggest thing I learned is that when I first met him all he told me was that he didn't drink. So I think that is all I thought. He did tell me about being in A.A. a bit later. But I always took the perspective that he just didn't drink cause he didn't want to. In a way, I think I assumed he was cured. Like, as if you didn't drink for such and such time, you are automatically cured. Which I now realize is a really stupid thing to think. I mean he isn't immune to temptation just cause he is in A.A. or cause he has been sober for 3 years.

Also, I thought about this and I decided to stop drinking all together. I don't go out a lot as it is, so it shouldn't be that hard for me (not as hard as I am sure it was for him). I think it is extremely important I do this for our relationship. And I realize it will make my life happier, easier, and better. Drinking is not that important to me. But he definitely is.

I am just still so mad at myself for ever drinking in front of him. I do feel like even if he says it is Okay, that it is still a selfish thing to do. Yet, on the flip side, maybe it is good because it made me STOP and THINK about this which I clearly wasn't really doing. Anyways, thank you all for your help. I have a lot more insight and will continue to read the posts here. I have learned a lot and it is helping me understand this more.

sailorjohn

We talk about things like 'rigorous honesty', he didn't tell you he was a recovering alcohol, right? He didn't tell you he was troubled by your drinking? You really have nothing to feel guilty about, and I think he's blessed to have someone that supports/enhances his sobriety.

Ago

To Thine Own self Be True

If you want to have a drink, have a drink, if it makes you uncomfortable, don't.

Don't worry about drinking in front of a sober alcoholic, we don't care, unless your drinking begins to affect the relationship, then we respond pretty much like anyone else, as in we may mention "your drinking is beginning to affect our relationship, you may want to take a look at it, because I certainly am"

His drinking or not drinking doesn't have anything to do with you.

freya

Isb:

The fact that you are beating yourself up about things you did innocently and out of ignorance is of concern to me.....as is the fact that, in your post, I see lots and lots of assumptions about what your boyfriend needs from you in terms of support and understanding but no indication whatsoever that you have actually asked him and discussed any of this with him openly and directly.

The reason for my concern is because the idea that one is responsible for someone else's happiness and success (in terms of thier sobriety or anything else), that one should know everything and behave "perfectly," and the idea that one assumes that one knows what someone esle wants and needs regardless af whether that someone has been directly consulted about this, are both behaviors that are strongly related to codependency.

...and codependent behaviors can be very, very dangerous and destructive in any relationship, but especially in a relationship with an alcoholic, drinking or not.

If you are not an alcoholic, why shouldn't you be able to drink...or not drink, as you see fit? If your boyfriend needs certain things from you in terms of if, when, where and how you drink, then why don't the 2 of you discuss this openly and honestly?

While your relationship is still new, it might be agood idea for you to learn more about alcoholism and about the "dos and don'ts" so-to-speak of being (healthily) in relationship with an alcoholic. A good place to start might be Al Anon meetings, or maybe some Al Anon literature -- such as How Al Anon Works -- or something like Melody Beattie's Codependent No More.

Good luck.
freya